I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

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Slippers

Murphy goes to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezin' mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," says Murphy, and he runs upstairs. Upstairs are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hell...

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The Rich Man and The Poor Man

Tony tells this in an episode of The Sopranos:

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. Every year they meet on Madison Avenue, when they're shopping for their wives. The poor man says to the rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" Rich man says, "I got her a huge ...

What is a foot long and slippery?

A slipper!

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Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

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A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve

The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them....

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

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My dad was sitting in front of the TV and asked me to get him his slippers.

I went to get them, but a devilish idea came to my head. I walked into my sister's room, where she was hanging out with her best friend.

"Dad told me to come grab your friend's tits" I said.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"You don't believe me?" I turned around and yelled t...

I’ve finally gone and bought some memory foam inserts for my slippers.

No more forgetting why I walked in to the kitchen.

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I'm going to get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for Secret Santa.

If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

(heard at work)

A woman walked into a church wearing slippers and a snuggy and started playing on her phone during the sermon.

The preacher called her out for idle worship.

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Both of them.

A guy visits his friends house and finds his friend tired and hungover. His friend asks him to bring his slippers from upstairs. When he goes upstairs he sees two escorts his friend called for the night and tells them that the guy told him to bang both of them. The girls reply “are you sure ?, that...

What do you call a shoe that is made from bananas?

A slipper

Job rotation!

A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said:

When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it's different.
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my ...

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A Pair of Slippers and A Dildo

Two guys are sitting around talking about what they got their wives for Valentines Day

Todd : "So, what did you get your wife for Valentines day?"

Mark : "I got her this BEAUTIFUL diamond ring. She shows this thing off wherever she goes. She wears it to the store, out to get the mail, ...

There's this dad who is trying to get his daughter a birthday gift

And he knows that she is really starting to like Barbie, so he goes to the mall in hopes of finding a Barbie doll. He finally finds a store that sells Barbies and asks the cashier what Barbies are available.

"Well we have four Barbies: the Regular Barbie, which is $5."

The dad doesn't ...

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

What's pink and slippery?

Pink slippers


What's brown and runny?

Usain bolt

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll ...

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Two friends, a rich one and a poor one, got married on the same day.

20 years later, they're both still married, and planning their special anniversary celebrations.

Dave, the poor one, asks Phil, the rich one, what he got his wife for their anniversary.

"Oh, I got her a diamond ring and a new Mercedes."

"Really? Why did you get her a diamond ri...

The slippers

This is more like a funny story not a joke to me. I'm not a native English speaker, so my English is not that well.

Madurese, a tribe from Indonesia, are known to be very religious but, unfortunately, bad tempered and proud.

(OP is Madurese) It goes like this:



One day, a...

What do you call a pair of banana peels?

Slippers!

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Friend told me this joke today.. a rich man and a poor man are discussing presents for their wives..

“What are you going to get your wife?” Asks the poor man.

“Easy”, he says, “I’ll get her a diamond ring and a Ferrari”.

“Why both?”

“Well if she doesn’t like the ring we can drive to the store to exchange it, driving in the Ferrari so it’s a win win” says the rich man.
...

What shoes do they make out of banana skins?

Slippers.

I was chatting with my neighbour who was bragging about how clever his dog was

He said "he knows all his toys by name and will fetch certain items by command, he fetches my slippers, I can even send him to get the paper, from the newsagent" .

I said " I know he told me "

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A rich man and a poor man were sitting at the bar, having a few drinks

They got to chatting and after a while, realised both of their wedding anniversaries were the next day.

Poor man : What did you get your wife then, for tomorrow?

Rich man : I got her a pink ferrari and a diamond ring.

Poor man : Wow, what made you choose those gifts?

...

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Sammy visits his old war buddy Willy who is confined to a wheelchair...

Willy says, "My feet are freezing man, would you mind running upstairs and grabbing me my slippers?"
"No problem at all," Sammy says, and he runs upstairs. On his way to Willy's bedroom, he passes by a guest room, where he sees Willy's 16 year old great granddaughter and her friend, both clad ...

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John hears his old buddy Archie is doing poorly...

...so he decides to drop in on his ol' buddy and pay him a visit. John notices the bandages around Archie's knee, and asks how he's feeling. "Ah, I took a bit of a bad knock, but I can hobble 'round all right. Can't handle the stairs though....would you run up and grab my slippers? My feet are co...

Arnold Schwarzenegger woke up this morning with a sore head and a bad back...

... he put on his dressing gown and slippers, opened the door to his en suite shower and let out a sigh.

“Why is my shoauwer still broken?” He exclaimed. “The plumber was supposed to hef come last week.”

He made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Opening the fridge, a put...

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A Rich Man and a Poor Man sit down at a bar...

“What’s in the box?” asks the Poor Man.
“A diamond necklace!” exclaimed the Rich Man, “a gift for my wife of 25 years.”
“Hey, I’m celebrating my 25th anniversary too”, says the Poor Man.
“Oh really, so what’d you get her?” asks the Rich Man.
“A pair of slippers”, he replied.
“Ve...

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A poor guy and his rich friend meet up every christmas for dinner.

They start bantering about life and get to what they're getting their wives for christmas.
Rich guy says: "Well I got my wife two gifts; a Lamborghini and a diamond ring"

"Why two gifts?" replies the poor guy

"Because that way if she doesn't like the ring, she can use the Lambo to r...

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So Cinderella was crying...

...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have...

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A rich man and poor man are at a bar.

A rich man and poor man are at a bar, the rich man turns to the poor man, 'it's my 10 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday.'

The poor man looks astonished, 'it's my 20 year wedding anniversary on Thursday! What are you planning on getting her?'

The rich man goes, 'I'm getting her a...

A doctor walks into his patient’s room

And says I have good news and bad news for you.

Patient: Well let’s start with the bad news

Doctor: I am sorry to tell you this but your condition is so bad I am going to have to amputate both of your feet.

Patient: What? How can there be any good news?

Doctor: Well the p...

What do you call a shoe with no grip?

A slipper.

(Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)

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A guy is driving when one of his wheels comes off!

He manages to pull over safely and recovers the tire.

When he does he notices that he does not have any spare lug nuts to re-secure the tire the car.

He spends a good long while pacing around the car and cursing. He notices that he is being watched by a man in blue scrubs and white sli...

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A rich billionaire and a poor man meet for Christmas

As their yearly tradition goes, they meet and tell each other what they got their wives for Christmas. The rich man goes first.

" I got my wife a Mercedes-Benz and a ring made from the world's rarest diamonds for my wife for Christmas."

"Why so?" asks the poor man

"Well, I boug...

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Punch lines

This is my campaign to reduce re-posting. I'm going to spoil as many often-reposted jokes as I can by posting the punch lines here. Please feel free to help me out.

Ha! I'm the bus driver!

I already have a cat.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day...

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Two best friends got married on the same date and...

meet every year after their anniversaries at their favorite bar. One was fortunate to be really successful and the other lives a sort of mediocre life. They start discussing what they got their wife's for their anniversaries. The rich guy begins by discussing his gift.

" Yea, I got my wife a...

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A rich man and a poor man meet every year at Christmas.

A rich man and poor man became friends and would meet every Christmas Eve to catch up. During one meet the rich guy tells the poor man what he got his wife.

Rich Guy: I got my wife a Ferrari Dino and a 5 carat diamond ring. She's always wanted a classic Ferrari and diamonds are a girl's best ...

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One line jokes? [NSFW - Text]

I wanna hear some short one liner jokes.

Here's some copy pasta that i like:
I got my wife slippers and a dildo for her B-day. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

I've got good news and bad news

"I've got good news and bad news," said the doctor as I lay in my hospital bed.
"What's the bad news?" I asked.
"We have to amputate your legs."
"Oh God, no!!! Well what's the good news?"
"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"

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A man goes out for a few beers

My Uncle told me this joke years ago while we were camping. It's way better in person, but gives me a little chuckle every time :)

***

A man goes out for a few beers after a long day at work. He sits at the bar alone for some time before making idle conversation with the new barkeep wh...

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Just a compilation of 10 corny jokes that still make me chuckle.

1. What was wrong with the wooden car with wooden wheels?
It "wooden" go!

2. Why can't a dick be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot

3. A guy walks into the doctors office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass. The doc takes one look and he says, "It looks like w...

Have I ever told you about the Monk living on the hill and the tiny pickle in a jar?

Once upon a time there was a Monk who lived on a hill. He lived a simple life and was quite content, nothing out of the ordinary ever seemed to happen in his life. However, one day as he was settling down to watch his favourite shows with a mug of hot cocoa, he saw on the weather channel that a horr...

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Two men are sitting at a bar.

One impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, the other in his work clothes. The business man turns to the other and says

- I bought my wife a brand new BMW and a 5 carat diamond for mother's day".

The worker looks confused and say:

- Why two such extravagant gifts?

- Well....

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Two men are in a bar....

Both men are married, and both have anniversaries coming up. They begin discussing the gifts they obtained for their spouses.

The first gentleman says, "I got her a tennis bracelet, a spa membership, and a week long cruise. What about you?"

"Oh. Um, I got mine a pair of slippers and a...

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NSFW Christmas Joke

A rich man and a poor man are sitting next to each other in a local barber shop. The poor man asks the rich man, "what did you get your wife for Christmas?" The rich man replies "I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes." The poor man asks "is there a reason you got her both the necklace and the ...

Both of 'em?

Brad went over to Jack's house. While there Jack asked him to grab his slippers from upstairs, because he had back problems and couldn't really walk too well.

Reluctantly, because he was a guest so he thought he shouldn't be Jack's errand boy, Brad made his way upstairs.

While looking ...

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An elderly man shuffles into a chemist and asks for viagra

'No problem', says the pharmacist. 'How much do you want?' 'just four,' replies the old geezer. 'But could you cut them into smaller pieces? I'm not interested in sex. I just want to be able to piss without hitting my slippers.'

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What do psychotherapists wear on their feet in the morning?

Freudian slippers

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One day, a man visits his paralyzed friend with two beautiful daughers...

The man asks his friend to bring his slippers from his room. On his way, the friend see's the man's two daughters. With a quick wit, he says: "Your father has sent me here to fuck you to.". The two girls, of course, protest. They ask, "How so, that's impossible. He'd never say such a thing!".
...

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A joke best told with an accent

I've found that this joke is best told with a Cockney or Australian accent.

So Jim an' Marty are sitting in Marty's livin' room, when Marty exclaims, "Oy, it's feckin' cold round ere. Jim, could you be pal, run upstairs, and fetch me slippers". Jim's says, "yeh, ol' right." and walks upstairs...

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A rich man and a poor man are sitting by a frozen pond one December

They come to discussing the Christmas presents that they've bought for their respective wives. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedez Benz". The poor man is astounded at his rich friend's largess. He asks "why did you get her the jewelry *and* the car?" The rich man says ...

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Seamus, an Irish man, has a broken leg...

and asks his best friend Paddy sitting next to him to go upstairs and get his slippers because his feet are "fucking freezing".

On his way to get the slippers, Paddy walks past Seamus' eighteen year old twin daughter's bedroom when he suddenly has an idea. Going into the girl's room he says,...

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