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Skid Jokes

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road?

There's skid marks in front of the skunk.

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What did the skid mark say to the toilet bowl?

I'm gonna get pissed off in a minute.

After the car skidded into the tree,

the first man on the scene found the driver still behind the wheel, dazed and bleeding.

“How badly are you hurt?” He enquired.

“How the hell should I know,” muttered the driver. “I’m a doctor not a lawyer.”

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Why did the skid mark lose the election?

It ran a smear campaign

Credit - Amazon Alexa (seriously, I asked my Alexa to tell me a poop joke and this is what she said)

I was devastated to hear that someone in my town was crushed under a skid of Canada Dry today.

Now i guess we're both soda pressed.

This Zamboni operator skidded out of control into our Dungeons & Dragons meeting

Why he be all slidin into my DMs

What’s the similarity between skid marks and my uncle?

you can find both in my boxers

What do you call skid marks on Spider-Man underwear?

The Dark Web

A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.

A sports car is driving in Amish country.

He skids on the road and crashes into a ditch. He gets out unharmed and looks at his car in dismay. A few minutes later an Amish man comes riding by in a horse and buggy. The Amish man stops and asks, "Would you like some help, English?". The man quickly says he would, and just as quickly the Am...

First thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet

Women:
"Eeww! That's horrible; I must get cleaning equipment before I can use this."


Men:
"Hmmm... Can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?"

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As her car skidded out of control she screamed 'Jesus take the wheel'

But that Mexican was passed the fuck out in the back seat.

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Blind guy at he lumber yard Long

A blind guy applies for a job at the lumber yard. Owner can't discriminate so he gives him an interview with the understanding that he has to get 100% on the interview to get hired.

1st task is to walk over to a skid of oak and tell what it is. Guy bends over and smells it, says that is easy...

Apparently designer Depends are a thing...

The SkidMarc-Anthonys are absorbing a lot of market share.

Termite Food

So I work in a retail store where we routinely have shipments of freight arriving on wooden skids. A truck driver will come by every week or so, and pick up the empty skids so they can be reused.

Out of curiosity, I asked the driver if he ever worried about termites getting into his trailer....

In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks

"What are you doing?"

The driver answers:

"Dont worry, I am an expert."

He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, co...

Racing game chair for sale!

Complete with skid marks!

Karl Marx

Karl Marx ia a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister and brother: Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol, and Skid, who was generally unpopular.

What does Tom Daly have in common with Micheal Schumacher?

They both have skid marks on their helmet.

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

There is an upside to eating Tide Pods....

It takes the skid marks out of your underwear.

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Karl Marx had a lesser known brother in the scat porn industry. His name?

Skid Marx.

Polack and dog

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and a polack who have been run over by a car.

A: For the polack, there won't be any skid marks.

I posted this cause I don't understand the joke can someone explain it ( it doesn't help that I'm polish)

A warehouse worker...

A warehouse worker is getting ready to ship a bunch of cases of disgusting, prepackaged food, but he can't get it to fit properly on a skid.

The food was unpalletable.

Bad car accident

I was in a really horrid car accident last week. The police have been examining the skid-marks to investigate exactly what happened.

So far, they have figured out that the other driver was more scared than I.

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A man and his wife doing 69 and when they finish up he realises he still has to go to the dentist.

He then dashes to the bathroom to go and brush his teeth, constantly smelling his breath to make sure his breath doesn’t smell like his wife’s pussy. He eats some chewing gum and even takes mints with him. He arrives at the dentist and eats some more mints just to make sure.

He’s finally call...

The last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels.

I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.

So this nun is driving along...

... when suddenly a drunk staggers out into the road in front of her. She skids to a stop, gets out, and scolds him severely, making several derogatory remarks, and angrily lecturing him on how dangerous he was being. The drunk looks at her for a minute, then punches her in the face, knocking her ...

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Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

Never let a getaway driver use your toilet.

Skids everywhere.

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A blonde gets on a plane with her friend and they take their seats.

An hour or so after take off, they're handed an eye mask and pillow. The blonde ponders the in-flight entertainment for a moment, then puts on her eye mask and kicks back... when suddenly, the plane violently shakes and everyone starts to scream.

The hull of the plane tears open, ripping off ...

Two friends are in a car

They come up to a red light, and the driver drives straight through it, not slowing down even a bit.

"What are you doing?" the passenger yells.

"It's fine, my brother drives like this," the driver replies.

They keep going, come to another red light, and again the driver go...

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A President walks into a classroom.

In the classroom, they are discussing some words and what they mean.

The teacher asks the president to help them discuss the word "tragedy".

The president then chimes into their discussion, saying, "Alright class. Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A girl raises her hand and a...

So Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are locked in their final showdown...

...light sabers are flashing, the balance is delicate, but suddenly Luke knocks Darth's weapon away. As it's skidding out of reach, Luke moves in for the final blow. Quickly, Darth holds up a hand and says "Luke, wait! I need to tell you something". Luke, sensing a trap, asks why he should do such a...

A fancy country club has a severe bee problem on the golf course.

The board of trustees decide to eradicate the bees they need to hire an expert. The bee entomologist is very expensive and the board decides they need to assess each member an additional $100 to their monthly dues for bee eradication.

Weeks after the treatment and it appears the course is b...

A van full of nuns is driving through Romania

The nuns get to Transylvania and a vampire jumps onto their windshield. The nuns panic and one in the back yells to the driver “Speed up! Speed up!” So the driver hits the gas and no matter how fast they go the vampire holds on tight.

“Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!” Another nun yells fr...

Jim had just turned 21, and wanted to buy a horse for himself

Jim strode into a stable, looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said the owner, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to say "heyhey", and the way to get him to go is ...

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

Roadkill...must have been a lawyer

Two men were walking along a road when they came across roadkill.

"I wonder what that was." said one of them.

"Looks like a lawyer to me." said the other.

"How do you know that?" said the first.

"No skid marks."

A man buys a religious horse.

One day, a man goes horse buying. He comes across a farmer who happens to be selling a horse 2 miles away from his house.

The man goes to the farmers ranch and inspects the horse. After looking at the horses mouth, legs, tail, and anything else one may imagine, he decides to buy the horse....

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A taxi driver is driving a passenger

With radio blaring local news. The passenger asked the driver to turn down the radio. After minutes of no response, the passenger got impatient and tapped the driver’s shoulder.

Suddenly the taxi swerved to the left, narrowly missing a car and skidding uncontrollably towards a newsstand, and ...

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

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Damn he can drive!

Damn he can drive!
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him there is a guy spitting and cussing.

Sure enough when the cop come up to the guy he spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

The cop tells him to ...

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This guy was driving a really top-notch Ferrari on the highway

Speeding as much as he could, there he went, happy with his life. Until an old woman in a beat up Wolkswagen just overtook him, going way faster than he was. The guy in the Ferrari puts the pedal to the metal, but only catches up to the woman in a service station miles ahead.

He comes out of ...

So this cowboy buys a new horse...

As he's saddling him up to leave the ranch, the previous owner tells him, "There's only one thing different about this here horse. He was raised by a preacher since he was a pony. If you want him to stop, you say Amen. If you want him to go, you say praise the Lord."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" the c...

A guy is out hunting...

He sees a bear and shoots at it. He misses, and suddenly slips and falls down the mountainside. His leg is caught in a bear trap, and the bear is coming right towards him. He cries out, "Lord, I know I've done some bad things in my life, but I promise to repent now if you make this bear a Christian!...

So there are 3 scientists in a lab studying flies...

There are 3 scientists in a lab studying flies. The first scientist grabs a fly from the jar, rips off its antennae, and says "Fly, fly!". The fly flies around the room, then lands back on the table. The scientists writes down in his journal: "Fly can fly without antennae"

The next scientist ...

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The Shit List (from the office fax machine 30 or so years ago)

**THE SHIT LIST**

GHOST SHIT:

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

TEFLON COATED SHIT:

Comes out so slick, clean & easy you didn't even feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toile...

So I was driving along a country road...

...along a farm on my way to I-79 like I do every weekday morning...


But today I come out of a curve, and saw a farmer's goat and pig right in the middle of the road, just looking at me, right before I struck the goat.


I jammed on the brakes, skid a hundred feet, and sat there ...

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There was a group of troubled teenagers bored in a small town.

There was a group of troubled teenagers who were bored in a small town. They egged their neighbor's house, TPed the one down the road, and just generally caused mischief but they were running out of original ideas to keep it fresh.

One of them decided to go down to the expressway overpass and...

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe..

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempt...

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

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A pregnant woman gets caught in the crossfire of a bank robbery...

She gets shot, and wakes up in the hospital only to see a doctor standing next to her bed. "Wha-what happened? What's going on?" She says. To which the doctor replies, busy and indifferent, "Well, I have good news and bad news...the good news is your pregnancy is unaffected and you will have your tr...

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Poor little Rabbit

A vegan is driving his Escalade down the highway and as he turns a corner he spots a rabbit run out in front of him. He locks up the brakes and skids side to side, desperately tries to not run over the rabbit. The rabbit takes a couple hops to the left and SPLAT! The front right tire flattens the ...

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his ...

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