My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

Garden shears will never be outdated.

After all, it's cutting-hedge technology.

Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears?

No.

The Rock pay per scissors

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A man walking down the street saw an old woman carrying two bags in her hands, one of which was filled with money.

He asked her, "Where did an old woman like yourself get a bag of money?"

She said, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to take a piss they stick their dicks in a hole in my fence and piss all over my flowerbed. It became a problem, so I sat next to the hole with...

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TMI

A handsome, vigorous man in early middle age named Kramer died unexpectedly. While preparing his body, Jim the mortuary assistant couldn't help but notice something. Even in the total non-arousal of death, Kramer had a cock the size of a large cucumber.

Jim thought it would be a terrible wa...

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A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

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A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

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A lad goes for a job in Homebase.

Boss says "let me show you how its done."....... A customer walks in & asks for a packet of grass seed, the boss says "sir, when the grass grows you'll need shears, and after that you'll need a lawn mower." Customer says, "I never thought of that" & leaves having spent £200. "That's how its ...

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A dog walks into a bar...

...and WHAM !! Anyways, a man at the lumber yard accidentally shears off his fingers. He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."The man replies, "I haven't got the fingers."The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? We coul...

Game Day entrepreneur . . .

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every now and then, a $50 bill fell out onto the footpath.

Noticing this, a cop stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $50 bills falling Out of that bag."

"Oh, ra...

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Reddit, trade Sean Connery jokes with me (warning: contains shockingly bad puns)

The joke I heard here that started it all:

What time does Sean Connery show up at Wimbledon?
*Tennish*

Now, thanks to that discovery, I'm stuck in a tour van with four dudes and we are all hopelessly addicted. Here are what I consider to be our top ten:

1. Did you hear about ...

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My friend was in his garden...

My friend was in his garden, hanging out his washing and telling me about his latest trip, when all of a sudden he picked up a pair of pruning shears and started trimming his hedge. It was a real non secateur.

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