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Chandelier Jokes

[nsfw]The hospitals new director is an idiot. He commissioned a huge chandelier for the main lobby that humanizes those living with erectile disfunction. The entire board told him not to do it and that they wouldn't be attending the unveiling.

It's unfortunate because it was well hung, difficult to get up, and nobody came.

Is that chandelier heavy ?

Or is it pretty light ?

I walked into the hotel when a chandelier feel on me...

I was taken to the hospital with light injuries

When I hung my chandelier, I put it all the way at the top of the ceiling.

Some say it’s too high, but it’s the high light of my life.

While we were in coitus, a skeleton fell from the chandelier (nsfw)

Well that certainly bones the mood

I helped my friend hang a chandelier in his mansion this morning

It was the high light of my day

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billi...

What did the large reptile say to her child when it kept nagging her to listen to the song “Chandelier?”

We will listen to Sia later alligator.

My friend told me I always say phrases wrong

But he’s not the brightest knife in the chandelier

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to a synagogue in Poland after the Holocaust to record the history that was nearly lost forever, where she found an unusual tradition she had never seen before.

At the synagogue, when they carried the Torah\*, they would bring it around to everyone who wanted to touch the Torah, which was normal. But when they brought the Torah down the center aisle, the carrier would get down on their knees and knee-walk all the way!

The woman had never heard of thi...

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The parrot

Young lovers met at the woman house, whos husband is not at home at a time because of work. The man says to the women:
- I want You, now!
But before they would get busy the woman says:
- Ok, but first let's cover the parrot, he almost got us caught when echoed our last act.
So the women ...

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.
"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they we...

Chaos Theory

Two friends are chatting in a pub.

- Have you heard that Mike died yesterday?

-- Oh no! What happened to him?

- He was about to pass our house driving his car when he crashed into a parking car on the side of the road, broke through the wind shield, flown through straight in our...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl is visiting her boyfriend's parents for the first time ...

and as soon as she enters the home she farts. To mask that she points at the lamp on the table and tells the parents "You have such a beautiful lamp!". The dad in response says "I bet you will shit yourself when you see our living room chandelier".

One day, the wife welcomes her lover...

...but before they start their adulterous activites, the wife says:

'Honey! Let's put a blanket on the parrot's cage, because last time he almost busted us!'

So they put a blanket on the parrot's cage. However, before they start, the lover comes up with a new idea:

'Honey! I jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple have just moved to a new neighbourhood. They have a wonderful sex life.

I'm translating this joke from my mother language, I hope you like it.

A married couple have just moved to a new neighbourhood. They have a wonderful sex life. Every night the neighbours hear their moans and screams of lust.

One day the wife heared someone knocking on their door. She o...

A man has an allergic reaction...

So he decides to go to the doctor to see what the problem is. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man
"I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is you're allergic to peas, but the good news is it is curable, and with monthly treatment your allergy should be gone in about 7 years."
"Grea...

A man and his wife are on their honeymoon...

The two are in a splendid hotel, in their beds, snuggling down to make love when the newly made wife complains, "Honey, I feel like we're being watched." Because they're both former CIA, he decides to humor his wife and check around the room. Beneath the bed, behind it, even around the corners of th...

Two former spies marry...

The night of their wedding, the go to an opulent hotel room and have a splendid night of love-making, eating caviar off toast points, champagne and strawberries, the whole nine yards. Once they've worn each other out, they drift toward sleep when the new bride suddenly shakes her husband awake.
<...

There was a cenior in high school named Joe.

Joe was an average kid. He played sports during the day, and he played video games at night. He hung out with his best friend Tommy after school every day. You know, average kid stuff. School was ending and the prom was coming up. Joe had this huge crush on this girl named Wendy. He'd liked her ever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] The Tale of the Foo Bird

There is and ancient legend of a beast known as the Foo Bird. It lies deep in the African Savanna, and is little know to science. The legend says, that if the Foo bird poops on you, and you wipe it off, you will die a terrible, violent death. Now, one day three explorers decided to go off and hunt f...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

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