Three snails were drinking at a bar. One of the snails got up to buy chewing gum at the store. He asked his snail friends if they wanted some gum too. They said yes.
3 years passed. One of the snail friends said ”he still hasn’t returned, we might as well drink his beer”. Suddenly a voice from the door yelled, ”if you touch my beer, I won’t be buying you guys any chewing gum!”.
My pet tortoise got mugged by 3 snails.
When he was interviewed by the police, He said ' I don't know, it happened so fast'
A tortoise is crossing the road when he is robbed by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask the tortoise if he can identify the culprits. The tortoise, still shaking from the incident, cries ‘It all happened so fast!’.
Two snails were chatting.
Snail One: I had to have my shell removed today.
Snail Two: So how are you finding it.?
Snail One: I feel a bit sluggish.
Why do French people eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster.
But it only makes them more sluggish.
What does a Spanish speaking person say when you ask him what is in his container full of snails?
A tortoise was crossing the road, when two snails mugged him.
The police arrived and asked what the muggers looked like.
Shaken, the tortoise said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"
A snail walks into a bar
The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, “sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar”.... so then the bartender kicks the snail out.
5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender “what the f...
A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number.
"Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked.
"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"
A bloke is sent by his wife to get snails to make escargot...
"I expect ya back in an hour as the bread's already bakin' and the wine's already breathin' on the table" says his wife .
The bloke walks down the path towards town and the local market. Upon arriving he finds the snails, and he spends a good five minutes picking out the biggest and juiciest ...
What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
You didn't expect a snail joke, but here it is.
**God:** To each of man and woman, I bestow a way to sexually reproduce with distinct organs, the act of which will give them the ability to express love and gain from it the nectar of pure pleasure.
**Angel:** And what about snails?
**God:** Snails can go fuck themselves.
Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)
Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.
As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...
A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow.
So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail.
When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.
The spectators marveled "Wow, look ...
A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...
Why are French snails faster than snails from other countries?
Two snails meet. One says to the other: “What’s that bruise you’ve got there?”
“Oh, I just went jogging, and a mushroom shot out the ground!”
How do snails fight?
They slug it out.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A man and his wife, who live on the beach, decide they want to have sea snails for dinner
The man is sent off to go and get some fresh from the beach. While he is collecting them, a gorgeous woman who is jogging along the beach stops and starts flirting with him. After chatting for a bit, he ends up going back to her place for a marathon of sex and completely loses track of time. ...
Why are there more slugs in the world than snails?
Because slugs don't wear protection.
Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle
and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"
A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails
A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails.
The snails take his wallet and leave. The sloth regains his composure and goes straight to the police station.
The police officer says, "can you describe the gang for us?"
The sloth says, "I don't know. ...
Where do you find giant snails?
On giant's fingers
I'll see myself out
One evening, a lady sends her husband to get snails for dinner. The man picks up the snails but realises that his girlfriend's house is closeby and decided to pay a visit for a small session. This ends up becoming a steamy event that goes all night long. The man wakes up in the morning in a panic an...
Why are snails allowed on ships?
A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad.
The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"
The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("
A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..
And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.
So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.
Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...
I used to race snails when I was younger...
... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish.
I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell
They were slugging it out.
What do you do if you see two snails fighting
Nothing, just let them slug it out
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car, and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed. He slaps the roof of one, and says “this is the last one that’s built for sp...