UPJOKE
king crablobstershellfishfishshrimpcrustaceanabdomencrayfishprawnseafoodsoft-shell crabexoskeletontunasalmongrouse

crabs.

which is the odd one out, a crab, a lobster, a woodlouse or a Chinese man under a steamroller.?

A woodlouse.

because the rest are all crushed asians.

I once had a nasty case of crabs. A friend suggested I sprinkle caster sugar on them.

It doesn't kill them, but it does rot their teeth.

where do crabs go to catch the train

crust station

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...

What do crabs say when they shake hands?

Ouch.

Why are crabs so bad at sharing?

Because they're all shellfish.

I broke up with my ex because she told me she caught crabs

And I get seasick on boats.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

How to cook crack and clean crabs:

Step one: use commas

Your momma is so poor

She gave me imitation crabs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

Hermit crabs have been known to have symbiotic relationships with sea anemones.

The crabs let the anemones ride around on their shells and will even share food with them.

It's a prime example of keepng your friends close and your anemones closer.

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs

So the next day, he goes back to complain.

And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

Crabs

A guy picks up a five-dollar hooker and gets the crabs from her. Seeing her the following week, he confronts her and says, "You gave me the crabs!" She replies, "What did you expect for five bucks, lobster?"

How do crabs keep in touch with each other?

On shellphones!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old sailor's joke

So an old salty sailor told me this one, I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did.

There once was a sailor, who got off his ship in a distant land. First thing he does is ask where the nearest brothel is at. Once there he orders his drink, starts talking to the pretty women around, and final...

Why don’t crabs donate?

Because they’re shellfish.

Where do crabs store their money?

In the sand bank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

$10 dollar prostitute

This guys hooks with a $10 prostitute and the next day he starts getting itchy and realizes the hooker gave him an STD....anyway a couple days later he sees her on the corner and yells "BITCH YOU GAVE ME CRABS!..she yells back "WTF WERE YOU EXPECTING FOR TEN DOLLARS? A LOBSTER?"

hit me with your best yo momma joke. I'll go first.

Yo momma so nasty even the crabs done migrated.

What do hermit crabs say when they answer the phone?

Shello

A crab and a lobster start dating

Sadly, the crab and the lobster had to keep their relationship a secret as normally lobsters always looked down on the low-class crabs. But as they continued their relationship, they realized they wanted to marry and the girl lobster insisted that she needed to introduce her crab boyfriend to her fa...

hooker joke #1

So a man get $5 hooker .

The next day he realizes he has crabs ..

furious, the man goes back to the hooker and tells her " hey you gave me crabs wtf"

The hooker replies ...." It was $5 what u expect? Lobsters? .....

I had a one night stand with a recluse on tinder

She gave me hermit crabs

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

Your pubes are a lot like the ocean

If you explore enough, you'll find crabs

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

The crab

A female crab saw a male crab walking straight, not sideways, like other crabs did.

‘This guy is really really special’, she thought, and asked him out. Soon they were married.

A few days later she saw him walking sideways just like the other crabs, and was disappointed and angry....

How do crabs move from one person to the next?

They use pubic transport

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

How do crabs run in Alabama?

They run in family.

A man asks the waiter : "Do you serve crabs here?"

"Take a seat. We serve everybody."

what do you call a pit stop that sells crabs and pizza?

a crust station

I recently visited r/crabs

Not really a fan of it, it's filled with cancer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a film director that has crabs?

Alfred Itchcock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The beach thought he had crabs.

He went to the sexual health clinic to be shore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pastor Pete looks out his window after prayers one morning and he sees old Captain Salty stumbling down the road zig-zagging back back and forth.

"Hey, you crusty old pirate," Pastor Pete yelled. "What are doing drunk already? It's not even seven a.m."

"Let me tell, ye, ye nosy busy body," Captain Salty replied, "I haven't had a drink in over twelve hours!"


"Is that so?" asked Pastor Pete. "I hope your sea legs are better...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a prostitute who charges 20$ and ends up with crabs so he goes back and complains.

She replys: "It was only 20$. What were you expecting? Lobster?"

Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ?

The female will tell you how to eat her.

Excuse me, does this restaurant serve crabs?

Sit right down sir. We serve everybody.

I bought two hermit crabs

I put them in the same small cage, are they still hermit crabs???

Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

Lobsters on your piano

Are better than crabs on your organ.

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

Whats the name of that old reality show where they go fishing and catch a bunch of crabs?

Oh, right.

Jersey Shore...I miss that show.

Today I watched a documentary about crustaceans and I saw a crab take another crab's food...

...crabs can be so shellfish right?

My girlfriend screamed when I told her I had crabs

I mean, they make interesting pets. She should be much more worried about my HIV testing results.

What's worse than lobsters on your pianos?

Crabs on your organs.

I hate crabs

They’re literally Cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Virginia is for Lovers...

Maryland is for Crabs.

Crabs are amazing collectivistic creatures;

they only use pubic transportation.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.