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Mule Jokes

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, when...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all ...
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What do you get when you cross a mule with an onion?

A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.

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I was pulled over by the police on my mule.

I got a speeding ticket for hauling ass.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...
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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

What do you call an mule with delusions of being a knight’s horse?

Donkey-jote!
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Mules are amazing animals

but when it comes to doing any work, they always half-ass it

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Why did the mule farmer get arrested?

He had his ass out in public.

A farmer's wife comes out into the field as he's plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see ...
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A mule walks into a bar in Moscow

The bartender looks at him and says “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

“Really?” replies the mule “There’s a drink named Boris?”
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The man and the mule

A man found a priest selling a mule, so he walked over to him and said, "What can it do?" the priest says, "Well if you say praise the lord he starts runnin'." "Show me." The priest says praise the Lord and the mule takes off runnin. then the priest said,"If you say amen he'll stop." "Show me." He s...
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A woman marries a narcissist

There was a woman who married a man who never thought of anyone other than himself. His favorite thing to do was to complain about his wife to anyone who would hear. One day he went out with a mule and started complaining about his wife to the mule. The mule was so annoyed by his complaining that it...
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I was thinking about getting a mule

But I’ve heard they do a half ass job

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...
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“Bro my mule just died today :(“

“Deadass??”
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City Slicker's Mule

A local farmer is watching his new neighbor from the city trying to put up his mule in the barn. But the mule won't go in, so the city slicker starts hacking away at the top of the barn door.

The farmer yells over the fence, Hey what are you doing, what's the problem?

City slicker say...
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Why are mules infertile?

Because they would be half-assed parents.

Credit to my friend Sean for that one.
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Mules are mediocre.

They only do a Half-Assed job.
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Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...
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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

The farmer and the mule.

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule, which he did as often as possible.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lun...
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Strange how people think Mules do better work than Donkeys.

Especially considering Mules only do a half Ass job.

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Why isn't a mule as good as a donkey?

They always half-ass everything.

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I’m tired of trying to get mules to do work around my farm.

They always half-ass everything.

A mule walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The mule replies, "I've got too much horse in me."
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I don’t know what it is about mules and hinnies

But something about them just seems half-assed
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The cross-eyed mule

A farmer, extremely proud of his mule, often boasted that it could haul anything no matter the weight. As such, he constantly took the largest jobs and charged a hefty price for it.

One day in town he loaded up his largest job yet in his wagon. He hitched up the mule, gave it a switch, and th...

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In honor of National Humor Month, I have one.

People say Mules are much hardier than other Equines.

They really only do a half Ass job though.

I've never had a high opinion of mules.

Theyre just half-assed horses
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You know, I really hate mules.

They half ass everything!

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You can't trust a mule with an important task.

They'll just half-ass it.

How do mob boss mules open doors?

With Don-keys.
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True story.

Here is a story my dad shared with me before he passed away.

In the '30's, mail was often delivered by a silver fixed landing gear airplane to the Walnut Ridge airport. My dad and his dad was out plowing the cotton field with their only mule. A silver plane flew lazily overhead which caught...
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A farmer and his wife were headed to market one day.

They get a few miles down the road and the mule pulling the wagon just stops and refuses to move.

The farmer gets off of the wagon and walks around to the front of the wagon, grabs the mule by the ears and looks him in the eyes and says "that's one".

The farmer climbs back on the wag...
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A wake for my mother-in-law

Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"

"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week one of my mules kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"

"Oh, No!" ...

Why does the mule have daddy issues?

His dad is an ass
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A donkey, mule, and a horse walk into a bar

On their way to the bar a man looks at the donkey and yells “what an ass!”

The equestrians shrug off this distasteful jab and continue towards the bar.

The same man stands up and looks at the mule saying “I’d yell all day but now I’m a little horse!”

The equestrians ignore the m...
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What would a lazy literalist name a mule?

Half-Ass
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Why can you never use a mule to do the hard work?

They always half-ass it.

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...
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A timid friend of mine was arrested at the border for being a drug mule.

I didn't know he had it in him.
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The secret to a long marriage

A reporter was doing a human interest story for a local newspaper, and was interviewing an elderly couple celebrating sixty years of marriage. The obvious question the reporter posed was "What's the secret to a long marriage?"

"Oh," the man started. "It's all about perseverance. On our hon...
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Hunters

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I do...
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A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...
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What's the difference between a donkey, a mule and a ass?

I didn't fuck your wife's donkey or mule yesterday.

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Why did the drug mule wash his asshole with toothpaste?

The package said 'complete cavity protection'.

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A mule and a monk open up separate burger joints, who was more successful?

Chi's Burgers was more successful, no one really went to Ass Burgers.

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So I’m from Montana

A person asked me:
“Do you still ride a horse to work?”
To which I replied:
“Of course not! I traded it in for a mule; I lost horsepower, I make it up in ass mileage.”

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...
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Two boys were arguing in the street day...

...and the village priest walked by and heard their squabbling over what to call an animal.

"No, no, no" said Johnny. "Its a mule. My daddy said you call it a mule. Daddy said it's called a mule, hes the smartest man I know, you call it a mule!"

"Well I dont care what your daddy says,"...

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A lonely old farmer...

An old farmer had been single for awhile and finally decided that had been alone too long and ordered a mail order bride. A month passes and finally he goes and picks her up from the train station with his mule and wagon. They load up on the wagon and the mule doesn't budge. The farmer took a minute...

So, a Trump voter walks into a bar...

...and sits down right in front of the bartender. The bartender glances up at his hat and goes, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

"What, you have a drink named Dave?"

"No, you idiot, I was talking about a Moscow mule."
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A man is out tilling his field behind his mule...

It’s a very hot day and the man is toiling away, sweating as he follows his mule controlling the plow up and down his field. His wife comes out to talk and says “When you get done with this field and return home tonight don’t forget about the leak under the kitchen sink, the window in the bathroom i...

Why did the mule fail his math test?

He was half-assing it
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Riding a horse can be difficult. You could always choose to ride a mule instead...

but that would be half-assed.
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What's the secret to your happy marriage?

The future son in law asks his future father in law.

He replies:

Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile in the mule my betrothed was on steped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whis...
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Treating her like a dog

A woman walks into a bar and orders a Moscow mule. "Congratulate me, I just got divorced," the woman says. "He'll never treat me like a dog again." "What, did he hit or beat you," the bartender asks. "No," she replies. "He expected me to be faithful."
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A man strikes up a conversation with another gentleman who is older he tells him its going to be his 50th wedding anniversary this week

the young man replies wow, that's amazing. tell me what's your secret.
the older gentleman replies well ill tell you, it all started back when we were on our honeymoon. we were at the grand canyon and going to take a mule ride down into the valley. we saddled up and my wife tried to get on the m...
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Saw this joke on YouTube and originally disliked it, but I eventually came around to it. (I'll change it up a bit, though.)

There's this single dad with three kids. One day, the circus comes to town. The guy says, "Come on, kids. Let's go to the circus."

So they get there, and they sit in the front row. The elephants come out, the jugglers come out, and the clowns come out. One clown says in a funny voice, "Uh, ca...

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The Billy Martin story...

This is a story told by Mickey Mantle about Billy Martin and if you haven’t heard it, it’s worth the read:

Billy Martin was gifted a new rifle and asked Mickey if he would take him deer hunting. Mickey told him he knew a doctor with hundreds of acres they could hunt on. Billy couldn’t wait.<...

How do you acquire a small version of Thor's hammer?

Breed a horse with a donkey and you'll have a little mule near.
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A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.

He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight. Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily. The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.

Hour...
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Brian decides it's time to sail the seven seas.

Brian decides it’s high time he make his lifelong dream come true. He buys a boat, gets his gear and sets off to sail the seven seas.

After a few days, a storm whips up. Brian and his ship are lost to the sea.

The next day, Brian wakes up, stranded on a deserted island. He find food...

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Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.

***Madame:*** What can we do for you?

***Tyrion:*** I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.

***Madame:*** Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?

***Tyrion:*** My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a ho...

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I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

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TIL there is a cocktail named after Donald Trump

Moscow Mule

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I saw an amazing ass on my way to work today

I wanted to take her home and play with her all night long, until I saw her dad and realized that she was a mule.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
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A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...
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A Taxing Poem

"Taxpayer's Lament"

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;

Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;

Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.

Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.

Ta...
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My wife and I were talking about our physical relationship.

"I wish you were more of a lion," she said.

"A lion? Why?" I asked.

She said, "They are masculine and aggressive."

"I wish you were more of a mule," I said.

"A mule? Why?" she asked.

I said, "They can't reproduce."
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An odd look...

Came to the counter of the pharmacy with a box if condoms... Person ringing me up gave me a quick odd look.... I caught it and said "oh, it's not what you think... I'm a drug mule"
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A farmer is lazily laying on the ground...

Lounging in the morning sun next to his donkey when a man on a bike rides up and asks "Excuse me, do you have the correct time? My watch has stopped."

The farmer reaches over to his donkey, lifts it's testicles for a moment then says "It's 1:24"

The rider is taken aback, "Are you sur...

Curtis & Leroy

saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.


The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy repli...
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So a group of friends plan to go camping...

They decide that they'll all just meet at the campsite at noon.

The first guy shows up and none of his friends are there, so he sets up his gear and waits.

The second guy shows up two hours late, panting, and the first says, "Hey, I've been waiting for you for two hours! What happened?...
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Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

Rob and Samantha ...

Rob and Samantha Henders just got married but they were having some communication issues – that’s a nice way of saying they were fighting. One day, they were in the car driving down a country road, each not saying a word after a particularly intense fight.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and p...
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A farmer buys a rooster for his hens but with a warning from the seller...

A farmer needs to buy a rooster for his hens but the seller warns him that the rooster is unusually amorous and will attempt to copulate with any living creature.

Since the farmer is in dire need after a few foxes have made off with his previous roosters, he takes the risk as part of the bar...

Latvian Dreamin'

Little boy go to father. Is midnight. Say boy, "Father! I dream I is Mr. Potato! Have big eyes and smile! Even having shoes! I wish I Mr. Potato for all ever!"

Man woke in midnight all sudden. Rubs eyes. Remembers boy dead by mule, and is no potato. Only cold. Is all dream. Lay back on dirt. ...
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