I made a jacket entirely out of sleeves once...

It was my coat of arms!

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Getting a coffee without a sleeve is like having sex without a condom.

You're likely to get burned.

Three expectant mothers are sitting around a table knitting sweaters for their babies to be.

The first mother says "I'm taking folic acid, I want my baby to have a strong immune system". The other mothers nod.


The second mother says "I'm taking calcium supplements, I want my baby to have strong bones". The other mothers nod.


The third mother says "Oh, well I'm taking T...

Just saw a guy rolling up his sleeves.

"Cigarettes papers are probably easier," I advised him.

I have a few Aces up my sleeve.

In fact, I have them in Spades.

If a arm covered in tattoos is called a "sleeve", what do you call a full body covered in tattoos?

A mistake.

People think they're being polite when they sneeze into their sleeves, but really

it' snot

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicle...

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.


T...

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
...

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from t...

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her: i like it when guys roll up their sleeves so you can see their forearms

me: [looking down and realizing i only have two arms] fuck

Why do rednecks wear t-shirts with the sleeves cut off?

They have the right to bare arms.

Where do generals keep their armies?

In their sleeve-ies.

Where did Hitler keep his armies?

...
...
...
In his sleeves.


Okay, how did he tie his shoesies?
...
...
...
With little knotsies!

So where did he keep his OTHER armies?
...
...
...
Poland.

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An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

A traveling magician would perform on cruises

When performing, the captain's pet parrot would give away the secret to the trick, shouting out ' Its up his sleeve!' or ' Its a fake blindfold!'

The magician was exasperated, but could do nothing since it was the captain's pet. One day the ship hit an iceberg and sank, the magician found a ...

An old Jewish man, Moshe...

Has lived a long, successful, and mostly happy life in the USA, having immigrated after escaping a concentration camp in Europe during the Second World War.

His ability to live so well, and to overcome the trauma of his experience of the Holocaust as a young man, he attributes largely to his...

Did you hear about the fat magician?

He always had some Twix up his sleeve

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

A magician is working on a cruise ship...(long)

A magician is working on a cruise ship where he performs every night right after a circus act. As he amazes the audience, the animals sit on the side of the stage and watch. After months of the same show, a parrot gets bored and decides to have some fun.

At the end of each trick the parrot r...

A magician is performing for the crew of a ship.

A magician is performing for a crew on a ship, each performance he does the ships captain comes with his parrot. But his parrot always ruins the trick by saying “ It’s in his sleeve!” Or “it’s In his hat!” One day the magician got fed up with the parrot, and during one of his performances he took ou...

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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

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Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.

The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as ...

Two Jewish boys were in a concentration camp together...

During their time there they became like brothers and when the war ended, they decided that they should live together as such. Many years go by until one of them wins the lottery.

"I can't believe you won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"

"First, I'll buy us a...

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The Old Jew and the Genie

One day, a very old Jewish man was walking down the street when he encountered a tarnished brass lamp.

As he tried to polish it up with his sleeve, lo and behold a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"Master of the lamp, I am able to grant you one wish!" the genie bellows.

The o...

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Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"

"What can I do for you?"...

The Detective's Conundrum

The detective walked into the smokey room. His assistant scurried in after. He took in the scene.

A dim light.
A flipped table.
And 53 bicycles laying all around the floor.

"It's apparent what he wrong here," the detective said.

"What is it?" asked the perplexed assist...

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

How do you get a Jewish girls number?

You roll up her sleeve

Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies in the OB waiting room.

The first woman takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."

The second takes out a pill and says, "I want my baby to have heal...

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

Have you heard about the chocolate box thief?

He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.

A golfer is playing golf by himself one Sunday morning. He comes to a par 3 that goes over a lake.

Dejectedly he takes an old scruffed up ball out of his bag and tees it up.

Suddenly he hears a loud , commanding voice from above say: “TEE UP A NEW BALL.”

He looks around surprised, then opens a brand new sleeve of Titleist and tees one up.

He hears the voice again: “ TAKE A ...

A magician is on a boat.

He performs nightly and there just so happens to be a parrot in the audience. The parrot notices how he does the tricks so he calls out, "Its in his sleeve. Its in his pocket!." One night the ship hits an iceberg and the magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot. After two days of s...

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Three men are walking on the beach.

They come across a strange looking vase in the sand and one of them tries to pick it up. However it is very brittle and crushes to dust as soon as it is touched, and a genie pops out.

"I don't normally grant wishes to more than one person, but I'll make an exception," the genie says. "Each of...

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

A politician was running for mayor of his small town...

The competition is tough. He is worried he will lose. This was his dream job, he wasn't going to give in. He had one trick up his sleeve.
He printed a few hundred posters of various sizes. He decided he would save money by hanging them himself. He walked around the town and hung posters up. It di...

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

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Long, but worth the read. Wrote it myself.

In the darkest corner of my basement I sat alone. Eyes puffy from hours of crying and yet tears still streamed down my face. A lone snot bubble formed as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. I refused to use my hands. I looked down and in the pale moonlight streaming through the window I could tell the...

A Frenchman and a Mexican are sitting on a bench.

The Frenchman will occasionally sniff his fingers and say, "Ah, Fifi. My Fifi."

One day the Mexican asks, "What is this you're doing with the 'Fifi'?"

The Frenchman responds, "Every morning I finger my wife, Fifi, so I can smell her and think of her fondly. "

The next morning t...

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

A salesman enters the porch and knocks on the farmhouse door...

... Little Timmy answers the door by sliding it slowly open, inspecting the salesman standing tall with his briefcase.

- hello there kiddo, may I speak to your father? The man asked little Timmy.

Timmy swiftly replies before cleaning his running nose with his sleeve. "sorry my dad got...

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A Small Man Goes Into A Bar

He goes up to the massive barman and orders a pint and a whiskey. He drinks the pint in one go and pours the whiskey into his top pocket.


"Same again, barman"


And he downs the pint and pours the whiskey into his top pocket.


This goes on for the next hour until he's h...

Petrol station mishap.

My friend went to the petrol station last night, after going inside and paying for his fuel he drove to the exit and decided to light a cigarette as he pulled out onto the road. He had unknowingly got petrol all over his jacket whilst at the pump and as he flicked his lighter his whole sleeve went u...

Did you hear about the sentimental cannibal?

He wears your heart on his sleeve

The comedian

Once there was a very popular comedian named Thomas. He was well-known throughout the world, and was frequently invited to talk shows and events to perform.


The thing that made him stand out from the other comedians is that his jokes were extremely offensive. When you attend a Thomas show...

The magician's Publicity Stunt.

I asked a magician for an \[OC\] joke to post on reddit. (Yes, I asked a magician and not a comedian, I don't know many comedians personally, sorry.)

.

Instead, I got a long winded story of his most popular magic trick. He probably made it all up, but here it is.

.

It w...

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

Bush and Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.


George W. approached the man and inquired,"Excuse me are you Moses?"

<...

I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby

She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.

They lifted their blades in one last final assualt...

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. Wielding naught but rags and broken tools after their endless nightmare, they saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

One last...

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

3 pregnant women in a lobby

Three pregnant women in a lobby are knitting. The first one stops and takes a pill. "It's iron" she says "I want my baby to have strong muscles"
They continue knitting except for woman number 3 who is looking confusedly at her knitting.
The second woman stops to take a pill. "It's calcium. I ...

I refuse to play poker with my friend because he has a tattoo of Jim Carrey from 1994 on his forearm.

He's always got an ace up his sleeve.

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3 pregnant women are waiting i an ob/gyn office...

All three are knitting newborn baby clothes while thry wait.

The first one pulls out a pill bottle and takes one. "This is my calcium supplement", she says. "I want my baby to have strong bones."

The 2nd one does the same. "Iron for developing blood cells," she adds.

The 3rd o...

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Helping a person in need

A gentleman is at a bar. Feeling the need to take a piss he proceeds to the washroom. He notices an elderly man standing in front of the urinal looking around, his empty sleeves waving in the breeze. The gentleman takes pity on the elderly man with no arms and asks “do you need assistance?” To which...

A magician joke

A magician on a cruise ship is starting his routine, in the audience is the captain and his pet parrot.

During his routine, the magician pulls a quarter out of a kids ear. The bird flaps around his cage and says "It was in his hand"

Agitated, but not discouraged, the magician continue...

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. You...

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Don’t worry about the prostitute-magician...

She has a few tricks up her sleeve.

The husband of the woman next door died.

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her hom...

So this man walks into a bar

And sits down alone, and orders a drink. He empties his glass and the bartender leans over and asks if he would like another. The man opens his wallet and looks at the small photo displayed in the clear sleeve, and after a moment he puts it down and accepts the bartenders offer. This goes on through...

A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars..

He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am ...

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Two old Jews, sitting on a park bench ...

The one old guys says, "Simon, you just won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"

Simon replies, "Well, I was thinking of going back to the old country and putting up a big statue in the town square."

"That sounds nice. A statue of whom?"

"I'm going to put ...

A man was relaxing on a long flight...

A man was relaxing on a long flight keeping to himself when he starts to get bored. He starts looking around the cabin and notices that he's sitting next to the Pope who's doing a crossword. He starts to think this will be an interesting story to tell his friends back home when he feels a tug at his...

A down on his luck magician takes a job on a cruise ship

and the captain has a parrot. Every time the magician does a trick the parrot squawks out the secret "Raawwwt he hid it in his sleeve" or "He's hidden behind the mirror. He's hidden behind the mirror Raaaaawttt!" thus always ruining the illusion.

One day the ship sinks and the magician finds ...

Why did the magician with a speech impediment buy a candy bar?

Because he wanted to have a few Twix up his sleeve.

Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?!

The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!

Three Pregnant Ladies

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor’s waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for their respective babies.



Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one.

<...

Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner

So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.

"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David...

An elderly Jewish woman

wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money.

She first says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family."

The Rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important."

She then says sh...

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A man gets a job with a tailor

The man, let’s call him Bob, was very hard working but a little inept. His boss decided to have him sew shirts to start.

He would always end up making one sleeve longer than the other.

Sometimes he would mess up a cuff.

He could never get the seams and buttons straight either....

So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up hi...

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar.

They sit down next to each other and get to Talking. Their chat soon turns to their sea Adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting Wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing Ships and killing his enemies.
The sailor notices That the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a Peg leg, ...

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

So there was this magician...

So there was this magician who did shows all around the world. One gig he got was on a cruise ship. The captain of the ship had a parrot who's cage was right next to the stage. While doing his first show on the cruise, the parrot kept talking, saying things like,

"Bgah! Why are you hiding tha...

A man decides to get a pet for his wife for Christmas

He walks until the only pet store in town and begins to browse. He started to walk towards the dogs, but noticed the parrots next to the checkout. As he admires the birds, he notices that one of them was triple the price of the rest.

Intrigued, the man asks the owner, "What is so special abou...

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Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews,

went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the da...

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An old Jew

An old Jew who survived the German concentration camps is living in America. Every Monday he goes to his local convenience store and buys a lotto ticket. One day he hits a winner and wins big. The first thing he buys is a life size statue of Adolph Hitler to put in his living room. His family and fr...

What did the terrible fat Magician say to the audience?

I may not know any magic but I do have a few Twix up my sleeve.

Stopped by the police

I spilled some gas on my sleeve while gassing up one day. Got back on the highway and lit up a smoke and started my sleeve on fire. I put my arm out the window but the flames did not go away. I sped up to 70 then 80 when I noticed the flashing lights behind me. The cop says "looks like I'm going t...

An old man wins the lottery.

He goes to his synagogue, walks up to his rabbi and says "I want to donate 10 million dollars to the synagogue on one condition." the rabbi's eyes start to sparkle and he replies "Of course sir, whatever you wish we will do." The old man states "I want you to erect a statue of Adolf Hitler in your c...

Magic Trick

A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over.

Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, ov...

Why do left-handed people make their smileys like this (:

So they don't get ink on their sleeve !

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A magician had this parrot

A cruise ship magician had this parrot. He hated this parrot because he always give away his tricks. Whenever he'd do a show you'd hear "it's up his sleeve BAWK", "it's a trick table BAWK", "they're fake cards BAWK" and anything else that drove the man insane. One day, the man gets so fed up with hi...

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An attractive woman walks up to the bar to order a drink.

As she's waiting on her drinks, there's a lone man sitting at the bar who's obviously had a few.

He looks at the woman and says, "Ma'am, you have the finest ass I've ever seen, and I would take a bite out of it, if given the chance."

"You better watch yourself," she replies, "because ...

A magician performed aboard a cruise liner...

...and his act kept getting ruined by the captain's pet parrot.

The parrot kept going, " *squawk* It's up his sleeve!" or, " *squawk* It's under his hat!"

One day the parrot did his usual nonsense. " *squawk* He's hiding it in his coat!" The magician whipped out a gun and tried to sho...

[Offensive] One from the pub again: an old Jewish man wins the lottery...

It's a big old lottery, and he has to go up on stage to accept it.

His speech? He thanks his mum, his dad, his family, and then Hitler.

Everyone's all riled up. They ask: why Hitler?

He rolls up his sleeve, flips his arm over, and tells the crowd: "Well, he gave me the number...

John, who lost his leg because of the war.

John was sitting on a bench eating a poptart, with one of his arms on the inside of his shirt instead of through his sleeve. One of his friends came up and said, "Oh man, a pop tart?! That looks delicious! Where'd you get it!" John responded, "At the store down the street, but be careful, in this ec...

A man on fire

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames cra...

Two scientists at a restaurant.

When the waiter asked the what to drink, the first scientist said, "I'll have H2O." The second scientist started to say "I'll have H20 too," but then he told the first scientist, "Wait a minute. You had something up your sleeves, didn't you?" He then told the waitress, "I'll have a glass of water." ...

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A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.

Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.

"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"

"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"

So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pai...

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