UPJOKE
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Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?"

"In case they get a hole in one!"

Last night I had a date with a dyslexic hooker...

She offered to cook my socks for $50.

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

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The Italian Mama

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her.

"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. ...

A Spanish speaking man walks into a clothing store looking to buy some socks

He found his way to the menswear department where a sales clerk offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sales clerk.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Wel...

What did the socks say to the pants?

Wassup, britches?

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

My feet are toasty, but I think my wife has a hearing problem...

After all, I'm not asking for socks every night

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What school do men attend, to learn how to masturbate?

The school of hard socks.

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

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Halloween party

Bob decides to throw a costume party for Halloween. He has an excellent turnout and the party is packed wall to wall. Everyone is dressed up... well almost everyone. Bob sees his co-worker George across the party just wearing a pair of jeans, no shirt shoes or socks, just jeans. So Bob decides to co...

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

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So, a young lady, who lived a sheltered life, is getting married...

Perturbed, she says to her mum, "Mum, I have never even been with a man. What do I do on the wedding night?"

The mum, not wanting to get into the messy details, says, "My angel, I know you'll figure it out. But, just in case, I'll stay downstairs and clean up after the party, while you go ups...

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

I never wear golf socks.

They've always got a hole in one.

2 thiefs try to rob a nun

One of them is holding the nun at gunpoint while the other grabs the nun.

Robber: Give us all your money!

Nun: I don't have any, I am just a nun and gave it all to the poor.

R: Pat her down, I am sure she has something.

The partner does not find anything.

R: Check ...

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My friend called me a cunt because i always buy him socks for Xmas

I said, " You bastard, its the thought that counts".

I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

What do you call it when someone is wearing socks and sandals?

Sandalism

Two well-dressed senior women are riding the downtown 1 subway line in Manhattan…

When the train pulls into the Times Square station, a man, completely naked except for his socks, boards and sits directly opposite the women and begins to man-splay.

One of the women begins to snicker, which makes her friend very frightened. She gently elbows her friend to get her to stop, l...

A husband decided to pull a joke on his wife and texted her saying 'it's not cheating if I leave my socks on is it ?'

She texted back saying 'no hon it's not, I do it all the time'

“He gently slid her panties to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

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Guy says there is two things he hates, wet socks and dry pussy

Other guy says just put the socks in there

How long should socks be?

Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot!

I was spending too time pairing socks after they’d been washed

When I buy new socks, I now glue them together

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

I like my friends like I like my socks.....

Hard as a rock and 8 inches inside of me.

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My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

You know the clothing company Puma? They make Puma shirts, Puma socks...

I wonder why they don't make pants

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I built a tent out of jizz socks in my bedroom.

It's my cum-fort zone.

I’ve been getting into trading socks recently

You know, the ones on Wool Street.

What kind of socks do bears wear?

They don’t, they go bear foot.

How many socks does a mathematician have?

2n-1

A young couple were on their honeymoon.

The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I have got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?

I have managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she is bound to find out sooner or later that my ...

A successful sock business

Kai Fu had a very successful business selling clothing, but especially the company’s socks were very popular.

One day he met a wonderful woman named Jane King.

She got more involved in the business and it became more successful than ever.

Kai Fu was happy for the success of his ...

Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks ..

He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

I like my socks to be athiests.

That way I know they're not holy.

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

My store is currently selling Marvel branded socks

Im probably not going to buy any because im sure they will make my feet all Thor.

It makes sense that socks are always separating

Because one of them always has to be right, so the other one left

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

Socks

After visiting family I flew home. Later I had this exchange.
Aunt: You left a sock behind. I can’t tell if it’s the left or right sock. *laughs*
Me: Yup. It’s the left sock.
Aunt: *stunned* How can you tell if it’s left or right?
Me: it’s the sock I left...

Where do Swedish Socks Live?

In the Sockholm.

I always wondered why all my socks had holes on the left foot.

All this time I haven't been putting them on right.

Children are like socks

Alot of them go missing.

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Josh has one leg

Josh has one leg due to a bicycle accident a few years ago that led to an amputation. One day his mom stormed into his room furious, and began accusing him of masturbating under her roof. Now, Of course he was guilty, but he thought he had hidden it very well and was confident she hadn’t caught on u...

How did the socks feel when they were taken off at the end of the day?

Defeeted!

Do I need to wear socks when I have a shoe

bless me, when I have athletes foot?

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The virgin bride

A nice Italian girl got married. The had their honeymoon in the brides parents house. When the time came for bed, they went upstairs to her room. The groom proceeded to take off his coat and shirt. He was extremely hairy.

The bride rushed from the room and down to her mother.

"Ma...

My girlfriend really wanted to take her socks off...

...but then she got cold feet

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

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