A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended...

The tailor asks: “Euripides?”

The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

I spent a fortune on these stripper trousers.

They're a total rip off.

"so is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me ?"

"Both , now get inside the van !! "

What trousers did Mendel wear?

Genes.

As a golfer, I always carry two pairs of trousers.

What if I get a hole in one?

Dropping your trousers is a terrible way to begin a job interview.

I learned that many moons ago.

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."

The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

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My friend said to me "that's a nice ass shirt"

And I said

"Thanks. But they're called trousers not an ass shirt"

Why shouldn’t you buy Soviet trousers?

Because Chernobyl fall out

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Yesterday I got so hungry I ate my trousers.

An hour later I shit my pants..

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandad's trousers?

Grandma on wash day.

I know who wears the trousers in my relationship.

My hand.

Why do black men wear baggy trousers?

Because their knee grows.

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"Do you want to see a nice clock?" I said, lowering my trousers, "That's not a clock!" She exclaimed when she saw my dick...

It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!

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An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubrican...

What do you call a pair of snakeskin trousers?

Serpants.

I secretly bought some new trousers without telling my girlfriend

Do you think chinos?

Why couldn't the adopted child borrow his brother's trousers?

Because they didn't share jeans.

Why did Levi invent such nice trousers?

Because he had good genes.

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The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper trousers, paper shirts and a paper hat...

He was arrested for rustling.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says "You must be a dent...

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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

What did the suspenders say to the trousers?

What's up, britches?!

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

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Three guys are sitting around the campfire...

...exchanging their worst experiences. The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

The second guy says t...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldn't build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin g...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

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Extra Spoon

Linda was dining at an incredibly fancy restaurant. It was so posh and refined, Linda was mortified when she knocked her spoon off the table as soon as the waiter delivered her soup. But, without hesitation, the waiter produced a replacement from the pocket of his apron.

"Thanks so much," sa...

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

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Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...

Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"

Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"

Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!...

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A guy goes to the doctor with a terrible headache

After some research, the doctor has to tell the man the following:



'I have good news and bad news... The good news it that I can relieve you of your headaches...'



Relieved, the man replies, 'Oh, that would be so great, doctor!'



'But the bad news is that I...

Alligator Show

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth...

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Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"

"What can I do for you?"...

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A blonde walks into a pharmacy...

A blonde walks into a pharmacy looking for a thermometer, the pharmacist tells her he has the worlds best thermometer in the back.
When they get through the back the pharmacist drops his trousers to reveal his little limp dick. The blonde woman immediately puts it in her mouth and waits, after a...

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Vladimir Putin is taking Donald Trump on a private tour of the Moscow Zoo.

While they're passing through the petting zoo section, they see a little lamb who has gotten its head stuck in a fence and is trapped.

Putin, eager to reassert his masculinity after seeing the dancing bears, drops his trousers and proceeds to penetrate the lamb forcefully with his penis, to ...

An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man find a magic slide!

They have to slide down the slide and scream what they wish for, and it will come true. So the English man slides down and screams money, so he is rewarded with a massive pile of money. The Scottish man slides down and yells a massive house, so he is rewarded with a massive house! The Irishman slide...

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A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis...

that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse....

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[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

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A man is walking down the beach...

...and he sees this woman there lying on a beach towel, all on her own.

As he gets closer, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs, and that she is crying. Out of slight pity he approaches her.

"Excuse me" the man says, "are you ok?"

"No!" The woman replied, "all my fr...

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In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

Two Irishmen were walking down a street in London.

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take...

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris are sitting in a boat boat...

Arnold puts his finger in the air and states: “7,3km/h windspeed from 33° north-east“.
Stallone sticks out his tongue and says: “Exactly 20,87°C“.
Chuck Norris opens his trousers and sticks his dick in the water and says: “Exactly 12,609m deep“.

So i went to have a prostate exam the other day

The doctor told me to take my underwear and trousers off, but i had a Complete mindblank moment and said "Where should i put them?"

He looked at me with reassuring eyes and replied "Just pop them next to mine".

I wish all doctors were this considerate.

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An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"

The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."

A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops ...

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."


"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."


"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eye...

A young Italian couple were just married...

The year was 1901 and a young couple was just married in a small town in Italy. They were staying at the brides parents house, as it was customary for the first few days while their living situation was sorted out. The mother was making a delicious red sauce when the bride decided she would join h...

King Arthur

King Arthur is about to set out on the quest to find the Holy Grail, but he's worried about Guinevere’s faithfulness while he's away. So he visits Merlin to discuss his concerns.
"Don't worry my liege, I have the perfect device to ensure your wife stays pure" and he produces a rather odd looking ...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir...

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She however offered me a penguin blowjob. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal. She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating ...

An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.

When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony ...

Dave had only one leg.

Every night he would sit at the pub, cradling his beer his trousers looking deflated below the knee. Yet the men found it hard to feel sorry for him as every night, he would go home with another beautiful girl. One day, young chuck, overcome with curiosity, decided to ask him his secret. He bought D...

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A man goes in to a public toilet and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal. The armless man turns to him and says, ''Could you help me, please? My zip needs undoing."

''Okay.'' says the first man, and he pulls down the man's zip.

The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''

''Um, well, okay." says the first man. He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, green veins and brown scabs oozi...

I went to my tailor and said, "Make me look like a superhero."

He pulled out a pair of trousers and said, "Black pants, sir."

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The Magical Mirror

A husband and wife bought a mirror from a fortune teller hard up for cash. The fortune teller warned them that the mirror was capable of magically granting wishes, but to make sure to be mindful of the words you chose. If you rhyme and keep it simple, everything should be fine.

They of course...

Damn women drivers!

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 kms with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving... and when I looked back she was halfway over in m...

This is so awful. It must go on to infect others.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn trousers.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

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A couple decide to set up a prostitution scheme to earn some extra cash...

The husband and wife agree that they need more money so the husband becomes the hustler and his wife decides to be the hooker.

One day they’re ready to start the scheme and are sat in the car. The husband says “right, you go off round the corner and wait for a customer and I’ll stay here as b...

Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had kne...

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A man was having a few drinks in a bar

..and had to take a leak, so off he went to the bathroom. As he is releasing his stream a tiny leprechaun dressed in green appears beside him.

Man: “My goodness!! A leprechaun!! This must be my lucky day!!”

Leprechaun: “Aye! ‘Tis yer lucky day! I being a leprechaun, will grant ye a wis...

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

The King's Contest

There was once a King of a faraway land, and he was bored. So we called a contest for all the knights of the land to determine which had the mightiest "weapon".

The knights and their audience gathered in the great hall, and the contest began. The first knight stepped forward, dropped his pant...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

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My first post here

A 34 year-old man had undergone plastic sugery to make himself look like a 20 year old. He wanted to test and see if other people could guess his correct age. He went to a nearby shop and asked the shop keeper to guess what age he was.

The shop keeper replied, "About 20 years old".

Th...

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A man walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead..

The bartender says "Hey sir, you can't bring that in here, it's dangerous! You'll have to get out."

The man says "This alligator is highly trained and tolerant, you won't have a problem with him, and I'll prove it to you!"

The bartender asks to see the proof, and the man lifts his alli...

It was their wedding night. . .

And the inexperienced couple had never undressed in front of each other. As the new groom slipped off his shoes and socks, his bride couldn't help but notice how terribly deformed his feet were.

"My goodness, Dear, whatever happened to your feet"

"Well, my love, I never mentioned this...

A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone."

Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.

But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked.

Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman.

his friend finally catches u...

Bubba the Entrepreneur

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads:
“Suits $5.00 each!

Shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each”
Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Sand Mountain, sell ‘e...

This is a joke from the 1920's

Why were the trousers not allowed to enter the school?

They were suspended.

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My Nookie Days Are Over

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my waterspout.

Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,

But now I’ve got a full-time job, to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it w...

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