Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

i was trying to shorten a pair of trousers, and now I've lost them.

Im sure they'll turn up eventually.

Why did the golfer bring 2 pairs of trousers?

Incase he made a hole in one

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

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A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his penis

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"

"Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laugh...

Before my prostate exam I asked my doctor where to leave my trousers.

"Over here by mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...

...and rubbed them against the car door.

Magically, it opened!!

"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

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Paddy walks into a doctor and drops his trousers.

Paddy walks into a doctor and drops his trousers, exposing his extremely large penis and asks:’can you give me something for this?’ .
The doctor beckons him over to the window and says ‘do you see that silver Mercedes over there?,
‘Yes’ says Paddy,
‘I will give you that for it’ says the d...

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.

The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

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What does Rupert the Bear wear chequered trousers ?

Because he has shite fashion sense.

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

Why should you never buy trousers from the Ukraine?

Chernobyl Fallout.

A man forgot to zip his trousers...

so a lady told him politely...

“Sir your garage is open.”

The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked..

“Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”

The lady smiled back and said..

“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”

"So is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?"

"Both ,now get in the van"

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his dat...

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any

The shop owner said that they had the best camouflage trousers ever. He must have been jeering at me.

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Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.

Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Padd...

Why does Tinkerbell never wear trousers?

She Peter Pans.

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A lone camel driver was about to embark upon a long journey from west Sahara to Egypt.

He packed all the gear he could think of for the journey that would last for a couple of months. No thing had escaped his mind. Lots of water, food, first aid kit, even three toothbrushes to last him the whole way.

Only after a week, well into the desert did it dawn on him that while he had r...

Won't GO Away

A man wakes up one morning with a huge erection that just won't go away. After a couple of days, he is really concerned, so he puts on the baggiest pair of trousers he can find and heads for the drug store. He enters the store and goes to the pharmaceutical section. The lady there asks if she might ...

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An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

Captain Kirk Clothing

The actor who played Captain Kirk tried to launch his own brand of trousers but they didn't sell very well.

For some reason, people just didn't want to buy Shatner Pants.

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Bill and Steve are a gray couple on an airplane.

Bill turns to Steve, "you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."

Steve surprised "whoah man, there are people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."

"Nobody pays attention on a plane." Says Bill. With that he gets up and shoots t...

Why do dancers like loose fitting trousers?

They’re better for ball room.

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

A pirate’s pants

There was a pirate captain who would ask his lieutenant to bring his red trousers whenever an enemy vessel was sighted and battle would ensue.

One day his lieutenant asked him “captain, why do you always wear your red trouser to battle?”
To which the old ruffian replied “So that when I b...

My friend did not believe in the existence of trousers for monkeys.

I looked them up on the internet and told him,

"Chimp pants, see?"

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Use The Camel

Having joined the French Foreign Legion, Pierre focused on becoming the best soldier he could. Day in, day out he trained; long marches with full pack, hand to hand combat, shooting range etc... but even all this activity couldn't take away the yearning he had, after all he was a young viral man. T...

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."

The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

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2 Irish men

2 Irish men ,Paddy and mick are walking in the countryside through a field when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the barbed wire fence.
Mick looks around to check the coast is clear,drops his trousers and starts fucking the sheep.
Half way through he looks at paddy winks and sa...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

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A Nun, a Priest and a camel

So theres a nun and a priest walking through a vast desert with their camel. On the camel is their water and food plus all other belongings. They've been walking for a few days before suddenly the camel collapses. The priest checks its breathing and confirms it's dead. With too far to go and no way ...

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Jumper cable joke

A guy from the country has some work to do in the city. It's all paperwork and he hates that shit. When he finally gets everything finished he decides to stop and have a beer before driving back home.

Unfortunately, the first place he stops is a posh fern bar. The bartender goes, "Dude, I ...

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

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A very tall man walks into a bar...

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.


They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm ...

The Hunter and the bear.

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away ...

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A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

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Yesterday I got so hungry I ate my trousers.

An hour later I shit my pants..

Dropping your trousers is a terrible way to begin a job interview.

I learned that many moons ago.

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"Do you want to see a nice clock?" I said, lowering my trousers, "That's not a clock!" She exclaimed when she saw my dick...

It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

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I spent a fortune on these stripper trousers.

They're a total rip off.

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Ethel and Ben are neighbors in a nursing home...

One day, they're sitting in the TV room and Ethyl says, "Ben, I bet I can tell you how old you are if I feel your private parts for just half a minute."
"Hee hee. Even a doctor couldn't do that but you're welcome to try," he replies, unbuttoning his trousers. She leans over and gives his tackle a...

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandad's trousers?

Grandma on wash day.

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

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Aussie walks in to see his doctor.

Doctor: Okay, cobber, what seems to be the problem?

Cobber: Mate, could you take a look at my old fella?

Doctor: No worries, cob, just drop yer strides and rip of them nylon undies.

Cobber removes his trousers and underpants, and the doctor examines his penis and ballbag.
...

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

What do you call a pair of snakeskin trousers?

Serpants.

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man go to a church

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man are walking down the street. The Irish man lights a cigarette, and just as he lights it the English man says "look there's a nice church over there, lets go in and see it". The Irish man annoyed says "fine lets go", puts out his cigarette and puts it i...

Why couldn't the adopted child borrow his brother's trousers?

Because they didn't share jeans.

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

I know who wears the trousers in my relationship.

My hand.

I secretly bought some new trousers without telling my girlfriend

Do you think chinos?

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".


Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could mak...

John went to the doctors for a stomach pain that had been bothering him for months.

The doctor quickly identified the problem and prescribed some painkillers to alleviate the symptoms. But he explained:
"They're suppositories, so need to be taken rectally. I'll do the first one for you, so you know how."
So John bends forward and the doctor inserts the first suppository. It's...

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Doctor's office

A young guy goes to the doctor. He says “doctor, I have this terrible problem with flatulence. I fart uncontrollably and they always smell incredibly bad. You have got to help me”.

So the doctor says “pull down your trousers and underpants, hop on the bed and let me have a look”.

So...

greeks

So, a Greek guy walks into a tailor’s shop with a pair of trousers that were torn.

The tailor looks at them and asks, “Euripides?”

The man nods and asks, “Eumenides?”

[NSFW] An American and a Russian walk in a bar...

“One beer, please,” asks the American before downing the beer.

“Da, two beer,” asks the Russian in response, downing both.

Not wanting to be outdone, the American ordered;

“Three beers and shot of whiskey, please,” before downing them all in quick succession.

Not one to b...

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper trousers, paper shirts and a paper hat...

He was arrested for rustling.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

What did the suspenders say to the trousers?

What's up, britches?!

Being the king of an extremely rich nation can get to you sometimes...

Don't get me wrong, I love the pampering, the amazing food and the world class treatment I get wherever I happen to be. However, it does get a little too much when you constantly see people wait on you hand and foot. I get assistance in almost all the activities I perform. I am a grown adult for cry...

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Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

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Looking for some jokes to cheer up my Grandmother

My grandfather recently passed away and I’ve became my grandmothers carer. She loves a good joke here and there however I’m quickly running out of material. Some examples of what she likes are..

‘A man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I have 5 penises. Blimey says the doctor, how...

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

An old lady in a nursing home approaches an old man in the rec room...

She says “Hey there stranger! I’ll bet ya 50 big ones I can tell ya how old you are to the month!

“You’re on!” he responds.

“Aright, I’m gonna need ya to pull down your trousers.” Confused, but not wanting to lose the bet, he does so. She then proceeds to poke & prod at his thighs...

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A man is cheating on his wife..

And one night, after a rather energetic session with his mistress, he falls asleep and doesn't wake up until 3am.
Horrified, he scrambles around for his clothes, gets dressed and leaves as fast as he can.
On the way home he has an idea.
He goes to the local park and rubs his shoes in the...

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Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years.

Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years. He is now in his 30s still suffering terrible headaches. Doctors have run every test known, tried every medicine but still the headaches continue.

Eventually the man finds himself another doctor who after a thorough examination tells ...

A boy decides to learn a language of all animals

- Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. Please, give me money to go there and study.

*Fathers agrees and gives him money*

*After a year, son returns home and father decides to test his skills*

-Son, did you learn the language?
-Yes father. Do you...

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

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a man goes to his doctor ,,,

a man goes to see his doctor .

the doctor asks him " what is the reason for your visit ?"

the man answers in a very deep gravelly voice " its my voice doc , it scares my fiancee. Its okay when we are out in public or the lights are on , but the minute it gets dark or the lights go out...

How do you know you are old

A little boy looking very distraught asked his grandpa "How do i know when I'm old"? The old man sat in his chair for a moment, pondering the child's question. Finally he answered "Son, you know when your old when you have to force a cough to fart". The little boy sat looking puzzled. "But.. that do...

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

The waiter had a spoon in his pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw t...

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A man goes into a baker's shop

A  Man goes into a baker's shop and asks for two bread rolls. The shopkeeper picks up two rolls with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag.

The man then asks for two cakes. Again, the shopkeeper picks them up with the tongs and puts them in the bag.

The man says, "It’s nice to s...

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