Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

"so is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me ?"

"Both , now get inside the van !! "

Why shouldn’t you buy Soviet trousers?

Because Chernobyl fall out

What's it called when Mrs Claus's trousers are too tight?

Mistletoe

I spent a fortune on these stripper trousers.

They're a total rip off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I got so hungry I ate my trousers.

An hour later I shit my pants..

Dropping your trousers is a terrible way to begin a job interview.

I learned that many moons ago.

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."

The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

What trousers did Mendel wear?

Genes.

Why couldn't the adopted child borrow his brother's trousers?

Because they didn't share jeans.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said to me "that's a nice ass shirt"

And I said

"Thanks. But they're called trousers not an ass shirt"

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandad's trousers?

Grandma on wash day.

I know who wears the trousers in my relationship.

My hand.

An ancient Greek professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.

The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

As a golfer, I always carry two pairs of trousers.

What if I get a hole in one?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Do you want to see a nice clock?" I said, lowering my trousers, "That's not a clock!" She exclaimed when she saw my dick...

It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubrican...

What do you call a pair of snakeskin trousers?

Serpants.

I secretly bought some new trousers without telling my girlfriend

Do you think chinos?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between driving a Volvo and putting your hand down the front of Donald Trumps trousers?

You feel a bigger dick driving a Volvo

Why did Levi invent such nice trousers?

Because he had good genes.

I was looking for some camouflage trousers earlier...

But I couldn't find any

What did the suspenders say to the trousers?

What's up, britches?!

Why do black men wear baggy trousers?

Because their knee grows.

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper trousers, paper shirts and a paper hat...

He was arrested for rustling.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised,...

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor with a terrible headache

After some research, the doctor has to tell the man the following:

​

'I have good news and bad news... The good news it that I can relieve you of your headaches...'

​

Relieved, the man replies, 'Oh, that would be so great, doctor!'

&#x200B...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"

OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...

Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"

Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"

Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde walks into a pharmacy...

A blonde walks into a pharmacy looking for a thermometer, the pharmacist tells her he has the worlds best thermometer in the back.
When they get through the back the pharmacist drops his trousers to reveal his little limp dick. The blonde woman immediately puts it in her mouth and waits, after a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"

"What can I do for you?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman had been seeing a psychiatrist for several sessions.

At the end of one of them, she said to the shrink, "I have a question that's been bugging me for weeks."

The psychiatrist said, "What do you need to know?"

The woman replied, "You have been talking about phallic symbols. What's a phallus?"

The psychiatrist was take aback by the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is taking Donald Trump on a private tour of the Moscow Zoo.

While they're passing through the petting zoo section, they see a little lamb who has gotten its head stuck in a fence and is trapped.

Putin, eager to reassert his masculinity after seeing the dancing bears, drops his trousers and proceeds to penetrate the lamb forcefully with his penis, to ...

Alligator Show

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth...

An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man find a magic slide!

They have to slide down the slide and scream what they wish for, and it will come true. So the English man slides down and screams money, so he is rewarded with a massive pile of money. The Scottish man slides down and yells a massive house, so he is rewarded with a massive house! The Irishman slide...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris are sitting in a boat boat...

Arnold puts his finger in the air and states: “7,3km/h windspeed from 33° north-east“.
Stallone sticks out his tongue and says: “Exactly 20,87°C“.
Chuck Norris opens his trousers and sticks his dick in the water and says: “Exactly 12,609m deep“.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis...

that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

So, Gina has just got married....

So, Gina has just got married, and like a traditional Italian, she was a virgin. Ok her wedding night, at her mothers house, she was nervous! As she spoke to her mother, she reassured Gina:
“Don’t worry, Tony is a good man. He will take care of you.”
So up she went, and when she got there, h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking down the beach...

...and he sees this woman there lying on a beach towel, all on her own.

As he gets closer, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs, and that she is crying. Out of slight pity he approaches her.

"Excuse me" the man says, "are you ok?"

"No!" The woman replied, "all my fr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

So i went to have a prostate exam the other day

The doctor told me to take my underwear and trousers off, but i had a Complete mindblank moment and said "Where should i put them?"

He looked at me with reassuring eyes and replied "Just pop them next to mine".

I wish all doctors were this considerate.

An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.

When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"

The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."

A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops ...

Two Irishmen were walking down a street in London.

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldnt build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin gi...

A young Italian couple were just married...

The year was 1901 and a young couple was just married in a small town in Italy. They were staying at the brides parents house, as it was customary for the first few days while their living situation was sorted out. The mother was making a delicious red sauce when the bride decided she would join h...

Dave had only one leg.

Every night he would sit at the pub, cradling his beer his trousers looking deflated below the knee. Yet the men found it hard to feel sorry for him as every night, he would go home with another beautiful girl. One day, young chuck, overcome with curiosity, decided to ask him his secret. He bought D...

King Arthur

King Arthur is about to set out on the quest to find the Holy Grail, but he's worried about Guinevere’s faithfulness while he's away. So he visits Merlin to discuss his concerns.
"Don't worry my liege, I have the perfect device to ensure your wife stays pure" and he produces a rather odd looking ...

I went to my tailor and said, "Make me look like a superhero."

He pulled out a pair of trousers and said, "Black pants, sir."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Magical Mirror

A husband and wife bought a mirror from a fortune teller hard up for cash. The fortune teller warned them that the mirror was capable of magically granting wishes, but to make sure to be mindful of the words you chose. If you rhyme and keep it simple, everything should be fine.

They of course...

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."


"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."


"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eye...

Damn women drivers!

This morning on the highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 kms with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving... and when I looked back she was halfway over in m...

This is so awful. It must go on to infect others.

An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn trousers.

“Euripides?” Says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” Replies the man.

Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had kne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes in to a public toilet and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal. The armless man turns to him and says, ''Could you help me, please? My zip needs undoing."

''Okay.'' says the first man, and he pulls down the man's zip.

The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''

''Um, well, okay." says the first man. He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, green veins and brown scabs oozi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple decide to set up a prostitution scheme to earn some extra cash...

The husband and wife agree that they need more money so the husband becomes the hustler and his wife decides to be the hooker.

One day they’re ready to start the scheme and are sat in the car. The husband says “right, you go off round the corner and wait for a customer and I’ll stay here as b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead..

The bartender says "Hey sir, you can't bring that in here, it's dangerous! You'll have to get out."

The man says "This alligator is highly trained and tolerant, you won't have a problem with him, and I'll prove it to you!"

The bartender asks to see the proof, and the man lifts his alli...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone."

Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.

But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked.

Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman.

his friend finally catches u...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She however offered me a penguin blowjob. I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal. She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things were heating ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tyrone went to the doctor

Tyrone went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.


The doctor reassured him, "In over 20 years I haven't laughed at a single patient because I always remain thoroughly professional."


With that Tyrone dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest...

It was their wedding night. . .

And the inexperienced couple had never undressed in front of each other. As the new groom slipped off his shoes and socks, his bride couldn't help but notice how terribly deformed his feet were.

"My goodness, Dear, whatever happened to your feet"

"Well, my love, I never mentioned this...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was having a few drinks in a bar

..and had to take a leak, so off he went to the bathroom. As he is releasing his stream a tiny leprechaun dressed in green appears beside him.

Man: “My goodness!! A leprechaun!! This must be my lucky day!!”

Leprechaun: “Aye! ‘Tis yer lucky day! I being a leprechaun, will grant ye a wis...

The King's Contest

There was once a King of a faraway land, and he was bored. So we called a contest for all the knights of the land to determine which had the mightiest "weapon".

The knights and their audience gathered in the great hall, and the contest began. The first knight stepped forward, dropped his pant...

Bubba the Entrepreneur

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads:
“Suits $5.00 each!

Shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each”
Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Sand Mountain, sell ‘e...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Nookie Days Are Over

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my waterspout.

Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,

But now I’ve got a full-time job, to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it w...

A man goes to the hospital

A nurse entered the patient's room and asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In...in front of you?" He mumbles, shyly.

The nurse says: "Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before. You've got nothing I haven't seen a thousand times." Th...

This is a joke from the 1920's

Why were the trousers not allowed to enter the school?

They were suspended.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first post here

A 34 year-old man had undergone plastic sugery to make himself look like a 20 year old. He wanted to test and see if other people could guess his correct age. He went to a nearby shop and asked the shop keeper to guess what age he was.

The shop keeper replied, "About 20 years old".

Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 10 YO boy can't speak...

A mother had a ten year old boy who couldn't speak. For years she had taken him from doctor to doctor, and he had seen a hundred specialists, but they were all stumped. The boy just couldn't talk. One day, Mom was having lunch with her friends, and her son came up in conversation. One of the ladies,...

(Long) Queen Guinevere is going for a late night carriage ride...

... when suddenly bandits attack her carriage. As King Arthur is not here, they kill the driver, kick her out and make off with the carriage itself. In her frustration she exclaims, "Oh, what a night!"


Seeing as there's nothing else to do, she begins to walk towards the castle. However, o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The tourettes pianist

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys get shipwrecked on an uncharted island...

Three guys get shipwrecked on an uncharted island and wake up in the captivity of an ugly troll. The troll tells each of them that they must go out into the wilderness and bring back 5 fruits of any kind. So the men agreed to the challenge and set off to find their fruits.

The first guy comes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The 5th floor of the construction site

A man named Alex, is on the 5th floor of a construction site, and he really needed a Hammer but he didn't want to have to climb down to the ground to go an grab one. So Alex called out to his mate Jacob on the ground floor.


"HEY JACOB" Alex yelled, "CAN YOU RUN ME UP A HAMMER, MATE?"
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Little Johnny lives in the orphanage and it's coming up to his 18th birthday. (nsfw)

He's never been adopted because he's a bit of a lunatic.

However all through his life the nun's who live in the orphanage have looked after him. All of his birthdays and all Christmases they've given him what he wanted.

A few days before his 18th birthday one of the nuns apporaches Joh...

A visit to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

What did O say to Q?

Hey put that thing back in your trousers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.

The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed.

She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, no...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest and a nun are lost in the desert.

When their trusty camel lays down and dies of thirst, it becomes clear that they won't survive.

The nun says, "Father, there is something I must ask of you. In all my life I've never seen what a man has between his legs. Now that we're surely going to die, will you show me?"

Th...

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hunter goes into the forest

He sees a bear and fires at it, but misses. The bear is nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says, "You tried to kill me, either I'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me fuck you". The man chose life.

He goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bar needs a new pianist, so the owner puts up a sign in the window. “Pianist wanted, apply within”.

A couple of hours later, a young man walks in, and says he is there to apply. The owner sits him down at the piano, and the man breaks out into the most beautiful song ever heard.

The owner immediately wants to hire him, and out of curiosity, asks him the name of the song.

“Well... i...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.