What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

What is Mario's favorite type of pants?

Denim denim denim.

Why do deaf guys love chicks in yoga pants?

Cos they can read their lips.

So today I had to have a prostate exam and I asked the Doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

He said "right there next too mine."

Gotta say I had my doubts.

A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"

He replies...

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why doesn't Donald Duck wear pants?

He has feathers to cover his butt quack.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the man put chickpeas down his pants?

He was hummusexual

My friend got mad at me for sniffing his sister's pants.

Probably because her family all saw me too.

And that she was still wearing them probably didn't help.

It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Being happy is like pissing your pants

Haven’t experienced it since I was 8.

Having a friend is like peeing in your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?

Incase he got a hole in 1...

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

Because he saw the snow blower coming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

A dyslexic person peeing his pants would spell certain doom.

His urination spells his ruination.

My employer made a rule forbidding females to wear yoga pants or leggings to work and the women are very upset about it.

I think they should just put on their big girl pants and get over it.

An estimated 70% of women who wear yoga pants don’t do yoga.

An estimated 100% of straight men do not care.

What do R.Kelly and Walmart have in common?

They both have kids pants half off.

What are the Mario brothers pants made out of?

Denim denim denim

What do you call pants on fire?

Hot pockets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife suggested buying some of those crotchless pants to spice up our sex lives.

But frankly, they make my balls hurt.

A guy goes to his psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but pants made out of Saran wrap.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

They say creaming you pants is bad...

But the real problem is the coffee.

I accidentally left a dollar in my pants pocket, and it went through the washer and dryer.

I hope the police don't find out about my money laundering scheme...

As a golfer, I always think it's better to wear two pairs of pants

In case you get a hole in one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I know this guy who constantly tells jokes about how often he craps his pants

Self-defecating humor

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

My dad always told me to always check my pants pockets before I put them in the washer, in case there was some money.

Because if you leave it there, you could be arrested for laundering money.

What do you call narrator's favorite pair of pants?

Long story shorts.

Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?

Because it's pecker is on it's head.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do golfers wear two pair of pants?

In case they get a hole-in-one (i know that this joke is shit)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to explain to my 5 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally shit your pants

But he isn't buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me

An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants

“Euripides?” says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.

I told my son that wetting your pants is nothing to be ashamed of.

It didn’t work; he’s still teasing me for it.

What do you call an Asian who spills his latte on his pants?

Chai knees

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculation club

So i just came in my pants

Pants

I went to the store looking for camouflage pants.

But I couldn't find any.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do pants fit on a man with 5 penises?

Like a glove


>-Gilbert Gottfried (shortened)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.

However, 20 years of blin...

My buddy stuffed socks down his pants to impress women, but it didn’t work.

I need to tell him to move it to the front of the pants the next time around.

Pants

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."

So, she did and said: "These ar...

How does our solar system keep its pants up?

With an asteriod belt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

It’s a little-known fact that, after signing the Declaration of Independence, the Founding Fathers collectively dropped their pants, pointing their posteriors toward England

Thus the motto “E pluribus moon ‘em”

Why did Frosty the Snowman drop his pants?

He heard that the snowblower was coming

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It wasn't my choice to poop my pants

Shit just happens

This woman got mad I was reading the back of her pants

It’s not my fault I have to read things in braille

A golfer was thinking of bringing an extra pair of pants.

He figured it's not a bad idea, just in case he got a hole in one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just pooped my pants.

Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a sign which made me shit my pants

It said "bathroom out of order"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says “Hey you got a steering wheel on your pants”
The pirate says “Arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts!!”

What did the pumpkin do when he ripped his pants?

He sewed on a pumpkin patch.

What pants are the safest.

Jeans. They require a 2 step verification process to pee.

Levi’s is sueing a smaller company over pants

It’s because they tried to sell bootleg jeans

I stuck a potato down my pants to impress the ladies...

But it just scared them away. I guess I should have stuck it down the front.

Almost all scientists agree that people get their pants from monkeys and what's even worse

is that they also say that our jeans are responsible for the vast majority of our physical appearance!

What national policy can keep your pants up?

A waste ban

What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Massless chaps.

Credit: a student always writes a "joke/pun of the day" on the board every morning. The original punchline was "boo jeans". Other students like to compete throughout the day to come up with a better punchline. I thought this one was so good I'd see if it got any love from redd...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

If you touch a sculpture below the pants without consent...

Is it called ‘statue’tory rape?

I have a special pair of pants for when I get cross faded.

They’re high wasted.

My wife asked me if these pants make her look fat.

Being a wise man, I said “Yes!”

“It’s all the pants’ fault.”

You guys know what Mario's favorite type of pants are?

*Denim Denim Denim*


edit - say it out loud if you aren't getting it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

Everyone in my family has extremely skinny legs, so we all have to have our pants custom made. It's wicked expensive.

Damn skinny genes.

Did you hear about these new pants made entirely out of recycled paper?

They’re tearable

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I ejaculated in my pants during gym class.

I am telling you because I feel it is important to acknowledge one's shortcummings.