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Liner Jokes

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Post your best One-Liner.

You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

21 One-Liners

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.



4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I ...

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Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford

One liner

Wet dreams are just hand jobs from god.

Stupid one liners everyone should know

I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

One liner

What do epileptic vegetarians eat?

-Seizure Salads

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up

The most NSFW one-liner.

You wanna join a union?

My favorite 2 liner

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a few new faces this week and I'm disappointed.

One liners about professions ?

Example, I would have been a doctor but I didn’t have the patience. Or, trained as a chiropractor but I couldn’t crack it.

Anyone got any more ?

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

Funny One Liner!

If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her and she says that we're just friends.

One liner

If you hit a person with an electric car will you be charged for battery?

A One Liner

Tried to catch some fog yesterday.....but I mist.

Funny one liners - 2016

Tell me short funny one liners. Just humor, nothing else.

Carlin had some great one-liners.

“World ends tonight. Film at 11:00”

“Dog explodes on Main Street. Man overcome by fur.”

Best one liner jokes

I didn't ready the sidebar so crucify me if need be.

I was just looking for the best one liner jokes you've ever heard. Clean or dirty, doesn't matter.

One that always gets me: Have you heard about the depressed, cross eyed girl? She never looked forward to anything.

A bad one liner

I finally found out what trait women find most attractive in a man: The fact that he isn’t me.

Killer one liner.

Did you hear the one about the two dyslexics who walked into the bra?

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

My favorite One-liner

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people apper bright until you hear them speak.

Any joke is a one-liner

if your page is wide enough.

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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

A one liner for the holiday, say no to drugs...

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

A man is tossed off an ocean liner and ends up on a desert island..

There are 2 other men who were living on the island so the man pitched a house and stayed waiting to be rescued. After 2 weeks, the other 2 men go and take a bath in the springs, shave their faces with cut glass and comb the rats out of their hair. The new man asks, "*what are you doing that for?*" ...

'One liner jokes' competition

A blonde and brunette were the best of friends and one day they came across a 'one liner competition'. They both admired comedy and hence they decided to give it a shot.


There were comedians, some established and some fresh talents, telling their best joke.


First came a Swedish...

One liner

It is crazy how saying sentences backward creates backward sentences saying how crazy is it

my favourite one-liner

a seal walks into a club.

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

A maybe original one-liner

"I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work," said the disgusting bartender.

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

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2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

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One liner (maybe nsfw and a repost i don't know)

My mother never realized the irony in calling me a Son-of-a-bitch.

Tell me your best one-liner. I'll start.

Scientists have discovered that diarrhea runs in the genes.

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Brilliant One-liners

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I used to be indecisive....

One liner

I can really see myself working in a mirror factory

A magician performed aboard a cruise liner...

...and his act kept getting ruined by the captain's pet parrot.

The parrot kept going, " *squawk* It's up his sleeve!" or, " *squawk* It's under his hat!"

One day the parrot did his usual nonsense. " *squawk* He's hiding it in his coat!" The magician whipped out a gun and tried to sho...

One liner a new friend just told me that we both thought was funny

Me: I’ve never met anyone with agoraphobia. Him: You wouldn’t

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny.

But occasionally, an one-liner makes me snort.

Cannibal one liner

A cannibal passed a priest in the woods.

Just some funny one-liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to ...

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United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."

"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"

"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"...

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners

- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

- Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this."

- Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh ...

My favorite one liner

Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.

Why are all blond jokes 1 liners...

So men can understand them too!

An orchestra one-liner

I popped off my g-string while fingering a minor

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

Election One-Liner

Looks like the Democrats were holding strong in the Midwest until the republicans got off work..

Here's a one liner I heard from a friend.

An Irish man walked out of a bar.

Halloween puns and bad one-liners

Throw em at me!



> What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?

Ghoul-Aid

> What's a ghosts favorite play?

Romeo and Ghouliet

> Why did Dracula go to the doctor?

Because he was coffin

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

Your favorite one liner/quick joke?

When bored at work I snapchat jokes to friends. Need new material. Could use your favorite short joke.

Good one liner

You have a striking face.....how many times has it been struck?

How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

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My favorite one-liner.

So, I was with this blind chick last night. She said, "You have the biggest penis I ever felt!" I said, "Ahh, you're pulling my leg."

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Would like some joke help. Tell me your best one liner.

I'm going to a murder mystery party Saturday and my character is supposed to be a gypsy juggler who is clever and funny. I just learned to juggle, now I need some jokes. Quick witted and one liners are preferred. Thanks for the help.

What's dad's best one-liner?

"My wife."

Wanna hear a good one liner?

1 Dimension

A one-liner a came up with.

I recently bought a superconducting electric heater... I was not impressed!

Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.

-Rodney Dangerfield

Who just can't get enough of one liners?

Coke addicts.

A magician was performing magic tricks on a cruise liner.

A magician was performing magic tricks on a cruise liner. He had some cards in his one hand. With his other hand, he waved his magic wand and then the cards disappeared.

The magician’s parrot then went into the crowd, went up their sleeves, and told the audience that the cards were up his sle...

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Most offensive one liner joke I know..

So I was eating this bitch out the other day and I tasted horse semen so I looked up and said, "Ooooooh grandma that's how you died."

Any joke can be a one liner

^^^^^^^if ^^^^^^^you ^^^^^^^write ^^^^^^^small ^^^^^^^enough.

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Theme 3: 1 Liners, Words of Wisdom

*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

*Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in ...

Mae West: One-liners from the 1930's.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

A hard man is good to find.

It takes two to get one in trouble.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.<...

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My all-time favorite one liner NSFW

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

(Quick one-liner joke:) Why are pretty women like pianos?

Because when they're not upright, they're grand!

Heard this one liner at work today

Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more comfortable.....like a coma!!!!!

My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes

What can I say, I love dry clean humour.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


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### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

What did the American mobile tower on the coast say about the foreign cruise liner?

I will not sync with this ship.

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

I wanted to set a record for the highest number of one liners ever read out in one session...

...but I couldn't quite get to my target of 1k.

I stopped just short of 911 jokes.

y’all ever heard any monorail jokes?

i hear they make good one-liners.

One-liners for when you're leaving - example: "I'm going to make like a baby, and head out."

I also use "Let's make like a chapped-ass, and split."

What are some other good ones?

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A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show...

"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit)

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*...

Jokes about cocaine do not make me laugh

But a good one liner will make me snort

A psychic child and his psychiatrist are on a passenger liner traveling from the UK to the US.

As the ship is fairly close to the coastline, the child begins screaming and covering his eyes.

His psychiatrist immediately asks "What is it, what happened?"

The child responds, "Icy dead people[.](/r/feghoot)"

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One line jokes? [NSFW - Text]

I wanna hear some short one liner jokes.

Here's some copy pasta that i like:
I got my wife slippers and a dildo for her B-day. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

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