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Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

One liners about professions ?

Example, I would have been a doctor but I didn’t have the patience. Or, trained as a chiropractor but I couldn’t crack it.

Anyone got any more ?

A man is tossed off an ocean liner and ends up on a desert island..

There are 2 other men who were living on the island so the man pitched a house and stayed waiting to be rescued. After 2 weeks, the other 2 men go and take a bath in the springs, shave their faces with cut glass and comb the rats out of their hair. The new man asks, "*what are you doing that for?*" ...

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

RIP to one of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg. The king of one liners

Carlin had some great one-liners.

“World ends tonight. Film at 11:00”

“Dog explodes on Main Street. Man overcome by fur.”

what is a make up artist's favourite type of boat?

An oil liner

One liner

Wet dreams are just hand jobs from god.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

My favorite 2 liner

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a few new faces this week and I'm disappointed.

The most NSFW one-liner.

You wanna join a union?

One liner

If you hit a person with an electric car will you be charged for battery?

One Liners & Zinger Help Request

Hi everyone. I don't know if this is allowed. If not, pls recommend where I can go.

I work in a furniture store and we want to have fun with our outdoor sign. One liners or zingers. PG13.

Give it your best shot, furniture based. The best jokes are always in the comments.

I'll go...

what's a Mexicans favourite type of joke?

Juan liners

One liner a new friend just told me that we both thought was funny

Me: I’ve never met anyone with agoraphobia. Him: You wouldn’t

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Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford

Stupid one liners everyone should know

I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.

A bad one liner

I finally found out what trait women find most attractive in a man: The fact that he isn’t me.

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

My favorite One-liner

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people apper bright until you hear them speak.

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One liner (maybe nsfw and a repost i don't know)

My mother never realized the irony in calling me a Son-of-a-bitch.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up

Killer one liner.

Did you hear the one about the two dyslexics who walked into the bra?

Funny One Liner!

If you don't have friends, just tell a woman that you love her and she says that we're just friends.

It's the year 2070. Instead of putting funny one-liners in Christmas crackers, they put them in timecapsules embedded in space-rocks and send them to other planets.

The real joke is in the comets

A One Liner

Tried to catch some fog yesterday.....but I mist.

The trouble with one-liners

is that most people’s attention spans are too short.

21 One-Liners

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.



4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I ...

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.

-Rodney Dangerfield

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

Funny one liners - 2016

Tell me short funny one liners. Just humor, nothing else.

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

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My favorite one liner. I've only told it out loud so I figured I'd type it type it vaguely.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny…

But occasionally, a one-liner makes me snort

A one liner for the holiday, say no to drugs...

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

Best one liner jokes

I didn't ready the sidebar so crucify me if need be.

I was just looking for the best one liner jokes you've ever heard. Clean or dirty, doesn't matter.

One that always gets me: Have you heard about the depressed, cross eyed girl? She never looked forward to anything.

A magician performed aboard a cruise liner...

...and his act kept getting ruined by the captain's pet parrot.

The parrot kept going, " *squawk* It's up his sleeve!" or, " *squawk* It's under his hat!"

One day the parrot did his usual nonsense. " *squawk* He's hiding it in his coat!" The magician whipped out a gun and tried to sho...

A maybe original one-liner

"I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work," said the disgusting bartender.

Here's a one liner I heard from a friend.

An Irish man walked out of a bar.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

Tell me your best one-liner. I'll start.

Scientists have discovered that diarrhea runs in the genes.

What did the blonde say when her doc told her she's pregnant?

Hope it's not mine.

What did her blonde doc say?

Hope it's not mine either.

Why are blonde jokes one-liners?

So men can understand them too.

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Would like some joke help. Tell me your best one liner.

I'm going to a murder mystery party Saturday and my character is supposed to be a gypsy juggler who is clever and funny. I just learned to juggle, now I need some jokes. Quick witted and one liners are preferred. Thanks for the help.

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

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Brilliant One-liners

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I used to be indecisive....

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[One liner] How do you make an archaeolgist mad?

Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.

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Don't let your Meatloaf!

Don't let your kitchen sink. Don't let your hormone.

Help me figure out more of these one liner farewells. I've been saying these since high school and I'd like more to add to my arsenal.

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners

- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

- Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this."

- Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh ...

Who just can't get enough of one liners?

Coke addicts.

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United Airlines one-liners

Hilarious Compilation of Twitterati responses on the United Airlines Fiasco #NewUnitedAirlinesMottos
"United Airlines: Not enough seating, prepare for a beating."

"We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!"

"You can't beat our prices! But we can sure beat our passengers!"...

my favourite one-liner

a seal walks into a club.

One liner

I can really see myself working in a mirror factory

An orchestra one-liner

I popped off my g-string while fingering a minor

Cannibal one liner

A cannibal passed a priest in the woods.

How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

Just some funny one-liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to ...

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When Drake gets cocky, he calls me so I can hit him with a one-liner insult to keep him humble...

I’m his Hotline Zing!

A one-liner a came up with.

I recently bought a superconducting electric heater... I was not impressed!

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Most offensive one liner joke I know..

So I was eating this bitch out the other day and I tasted horse semen so I looked up and said, "Ooooooh grandma that's how you died."

One-liners for when you're leaving - example: "I'm going to make like a baby, and head out."

I also use "Let's make like a chapped-ass, and split."

What are some other good ones?

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit)

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*...

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RIP Barry Cryer - a true comedy great

From his obituary:
> Cryer, the master of the comedy sketch and the instant one-liner, was once asked by the Yorkshire Post for his favourite joke. He recalled one he had told in a student revue in 1955.

>"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at ...

Your favorite one liner/quick joke?

When bored at work I snapchat jokes to friends. Need new material. Could use your favorite short joke.

My favorite one liner

Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.

Election One-Liner

Looks like the Democrats were holding strong in the Midwest until the republicans got off work..

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Theme 3: 1 Liners, Words of Wisdom

*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

*Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in ...

Halloween puns and bad one-liners

Throw em at me!



> What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?

Ghoul-Aid

> What's a ghosts favorite play?

Romeo and Ghouliet

> Why did Dracula go to the doctor?

Because he was coffin

Wanna hear a good one liner?

1 Dimension

Mae West: One-liners from the 1930's.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

A hard man is good to find.

It takes two to get one in trouble.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.<...

A vampire dies and he goes to the heaven

And he meets the God, the God says:

"I see you were a good vampire, never hurts any human, and only feed on ox blood, didn’t you?"

"Yes, yes my lord." The vampire answers humbly.

"So," the God says, "I will give you a chance for you to choose your own next life, you could be a...

(Quick one-liner joke:) Why are pretty women like pianos?

Because when they're not upright, they're grand!

What's dad's best one-liner?

"My wife."

Good one liner

You have a striking face.....how many times has it been struck?

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My favorite one-liner.

So, I was with this blind chick last night. She said, "You have the biggest penis I ever felt!" I said, "Ahh, you're pulling my leg."

Any joke can be a one liner

^^^^^^^if ^^^^^^^you ^^^^^^^write ^^^^^^^small ^^^^^^^enough.

A psychic child and his psychiatrist are on a passenger liner traveling from the UK to the US.

As the ship is fairly close to the coastline, the child begins screaming and covering his eyes.

His psychiatrist immediately asks "What is it, what happened?"

The child responds, "Icy dead people[.](/r/feghoot)"

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My all-time favorite one liner NSFW

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

[Joke Requests] Im going as santa to a christmas party tonight and I need some good one-liners and jokes!

Im not looking for long winded jokes that have a punch line, more just quick witted (Some corny, some not) jokes to say. Somewhat along the lines of "can santa get some ho ho hos?" or stuff like that.

Heard this one liner at work today

Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more comfortable.....like a coma!!!!!

This is a little self-indulgent, but I'm a high school teacher and I just compiled some one-liners from the past year or so

[They can be found here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XWPHTS7bAcbKV5GsL3Vhx7gUmm0DnFr-aOutUtV8LRM/edit?usp=sharing)

My favourite jokes are one liners about launderettes

What can I say, I love dry clean humour.

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A one liner I thought up while watching Anthony Bourdain's new show...

"I've seen more crazy shit than Anthony Bourdain's ass hole."

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