UPJOKE
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What should Steve Irwin worn the day he died?

Sunscreen. Know why..?
Because it protects you from harmful rays.

What’s worn under a Scotsman’s kilt?

Nothing, everything is in perfect working order!

“For sale. Baby Shoes. Never Worn.”

—Any Reputable Baby Shoe Salesman

Why are smart watches worn on the left hand?

If they were worn on the right hand guys would have had 3 times more steps than girls

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

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A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

Why do tailpipes get worn out quickly?

Because their job is exhausting!

My knees are getting really worn down..

They’re on their last legs

Having worn contacts for the past few years, it’s become really easy to put them in.

So easy that I bet I could do it with my eyes closed.

I’m in the World Thumb Wrestling finals.

We’ve been deadlocked in competition for the past 15 hours. Given how worn out our thumbs are, the judges have ruled we play sudden death with our big toes.


This will end in defeet.

What do you call a red-head playing the piano by themselves in worn out shoes?

A soulless sole-less soloist.

A baby born feet first has worn its mother as a hat.....

Just sayin...

Wife: "Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits."

Husband: "For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"

A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes

A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.

When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clot...

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[OC] After area 51 raid, Joe drugged and took an alien to his home. When the drug worn off, Joe saw the alien walking towards him with a massive boner and he asked Joe in perfect English with a seducing voice "Who are you, sexy thing"?

Joe replied... Sapien.. No homo

Last Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

Haven't worn a bra in 4 days....

I love being a man

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Can you drive with one hand

Woman driver suffering from a cold has the heating on full blast. She stops to pick up a young beautiful hitchhiker.

After a while, the blonde starts to feel too hot, so asks for permission to remove an item of clothing.

The driver is now half focused on the road and half on the blond...

An Arab walks into a bra store owned by Jewish guy.

The Arab finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure, I'll buy 100." The next day the Arab comes back to the bra shop ...

It took Gandhi over a month to cross the Alps barefoot, no washing, worn out, and survived only on garlic. He was a...

Super-calloused fragile mystic, extra halitosis.

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

Funeral home mishap

A grieving family arrives at the funeral home just ahead of the wake for their dear departed husband/father. They are taken in the back to see body before the event, and are disappointed to see that he is not in his favorite blue pinstripe suit, but in a tan suit. Then, they are horrified to notice...

Why were the nun's worn clothes colorfast?

Because old habits dye hard.

For sale: baby shoes, never worn

My wife is mad enough that I bought the chinchilla in the first place. She's going to freak out when she sees the accessories. I gotta get rid of them ASAP.

"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"

"Yeah, that was it"

"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"

"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

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George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.

"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."

What do you call clothes that want to be worn?

Partici-pants







I hate my life

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A couple was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary.

When the night fell, the wife approached her husband wearing the same shear negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked coquettishly at her husband and asked, “Do you remember this?”

“Yes, dear, I do.” He said, “This is the same negligee that you wore on our wedding night.”
...

Teaching as a career

A school teacher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm so worn out," he complains to the bartender. "The entire American school system is horribly disorganized and poorly run." "Well, then I guess it's true," the bartender says. "School really does prepare you for real life."

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

The doorman at a bar refuses a patron entry because dress code requires a tie be worn.

So the patron goes back to his car and pulls a set of booster cables from the trunk, ties it around his neck like a tie and returns to the doorman.

The doorman says. "OK, that will work, but you better not start anything".

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Keeping your horse satisfied.

A rag and bone man decides the streets of London aren't like the old days, so he decides to retire his cart and long time partner, his horse. He has invested long ago in a large acreage property in the country with lovely pastures and a barn for his horse.

When he breaks the news to the horse...

What do you call boxers worn backwards?

Easy access

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

This morning I thought I was going senile when I couldn’t remember where I’d put my watch.

Then, fortunately, my wife reminded me that I haven’t worn a watch in 5 years.

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

My TCP/IP LAN contracted COVID-19

It should have worn its subnet mask

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia?

Linen

The nun's old outfit

A nun noticed that the outfit she had worn for twenty years was faded, so she got some plants and chemicals and tried to change the color, but no matter how many times she tried, the color stayed the same.

Old habits dye hard.

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What a beach!

A flea is lying on the beach, getting some sun and relaxation when he sees another flea approaching. This second flea is ragged, worn out looking and seems very exhausted.
The first flea, curious, asks the second flea what his problems were?
The second flea replies “I’ve hopped from th...

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A young girl was about to get married.

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl a...

A before Viagara Joke

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm. Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets...

I've never been abroad

But I have worn a dress.

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

Scottish Humor

It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya.

In Scotla...

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

A Mouse and A Lion walk into a Bar

They’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door an...

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A Neapolitan joke...

A young man is having a hard time selling his goods on the street... "Coats for $50, watches for $25" he shouts whenever someone walks by, but even the few people who stop don't purchase.

Eventually an old Neapolitan man approaches and tells him he's doing it all wrong. "Step back and watch h...

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

A man and woman die on their way to get married.

They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.

When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven.
"That's a good question. Wait here and I will ...

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

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A cattle rancher walks into a bar...

He walks up and orders a strong drink, "herding cattle is tough work!"

The bartender nods.

In walks a middle-aged woman, who orders two strong drinks, "Cattle? Try herding cats! I've got eight of them!"

The bartender raises an eyebrow, but nods.

Then comes a preschool t...

What clothes shouldn’t you wear inside?

Clothes that are worn out.

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

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Two soldiers

Two soldiers were stationed at a secret base on Greenland. The only entertainment they had was a worn out deck of cards and as time went on the two soldiers became bored with the cards, so to keep them selves entertained they started doing dares to each other.

At first it started out easy lik...

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

For Sale. [OC]

I have a pair of 2020 Vision glasses for sale.

Only worn for the first 3 months of this year.

All the rest is just a blur.

A journalist was tasked to interview the best costume maker in the world...

So the journalist asked for an appointment with the costume maker, and luckily, he accepted.

Now this costume maker might be famous, but no one but himself and a few people know his real name. His identity was shrouded in mystery. The name he goes by is Mr. D.D., which are his initials. The j...

Christopher Museum

I was walking through the Christopher museum and the tour guide was showing me some of the exhibits.

He said this hat was worn by Colombus, these gloves were owned by Nolan,

and these boots are made for Walken

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A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

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A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange.

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes,
"OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks fo...

Wife tells her husband

Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."

Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."

Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."

Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes ...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

Karma works in strange ways.........

My friend invited me on the opening of a charitable organisation for cancer. I sat in the front row and listened to the impressive speeches and had Good Buffet meal at the break. When the rest of the program finished and the Donation Box was being passed around, I sheepishly pulled out an old worn o...

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

Went downtown for dinner with my wife last night

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having...

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[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out th...

Two fools leave home and head to a bar...

...when one of them realizes that he has worn mismatched shoes. Too embarrassed to walk in the open all the way back, he asks the other fool to go home and retrieve his only other pair.

Ten minutes later, the second fool returns empty-handed. "Where are my shoes?!" the first fool asks.
...

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.
"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn, is ...

The Cowardly Lion, Aslan, and Cecil are having drinks at a bar ...

They all look worn out so the bartender asks them why they look so beat.

The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "Man, you have no idea what I went through just to get courage."

Aslan then chimes in quickly after that and says, "Nonsense, you have no idea what I went through just to get...

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

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Joe’s Headaches

Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches.One day,after years of suffering,he decides to see a headache specialist.
The doctor tells Joe to strip ,inspects him all over and announces that he has found the cause of the headaches.”Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine” says th...

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know. They haven't admitted that it's worn out yet.

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I had just finished my grocery shopping

When I came outside and saw the parking agent writing a ticket.

I said, - what are you writing that for? The car is within the lines.

-Too close to the fire hydrant.

-But it is within the lines, why can't you dumb parking monkeys mark the lot properly?

Slightly annoyed, t...

I was invited to a party...

'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.

A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties. [Long]

A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if th...

How I became a successful businessman

When I was just about 21 with my shoes worn through and nothing to wear but the one set of clothes I stood up in, I spent my last nickel on an apple from the barrow in the poor end of town, and I walked up to the rich end of town, polishing the apple as I went, until I found someone to buy it from m...

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

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