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Sometimes when people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos.

Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh…

When I hold my ear up to it I can smell the ocean!

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

My girlfriend said she's getting a massive tattoo on her back of an anaconda surrounded by flames.

"Do you think it will hurt?" I asked.

"Probably," she replied, "it will take many hours."

I said, "I meant being single."

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If I go to a tattoo parlor and try to pay them with a bird

Would that be a Tit for a Tat?

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Me and my wife came to an agreement. She would let me get a tattoo if I let her get a breast augmentation

Tit for tat you could say

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A married man keeps telling his wife “ Honey , you have such a

"Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo...

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If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos...

Tit for Tatt.

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A man went to a tattoo parlor...

The artist asked, "What would you like your tattoo to be?"

"Well, I was hoping to get 'Wendy' , that's my wife's name, " The man answers.

"Alright, and where do you want it?"

The man says, "I would like it on my penis."

"Alright. One thing; it'll say 'Wendy' on it w...

I asked my wife if she would get "Nitrogen" or "Dioxide" tattooed on her backside.

She said NO2 both

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

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My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis (NSFW)

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

...

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My wife asked me to get a Vladimir Putin tattoo.

When I got home she asked me about it excitedly.

I pulled down my trousers and showed her my crotch, where the word "Gigawatt" had been tattooed on my penis.

"What the fuck is that?" she yelled.

I said, "It's a prick with too much power."

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

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My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed.

I’ve been erased from her mammary.

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My wife had some tattoos done on the cheeks of her ass.

She said to the tattooist I would like a butterfly on each cheek.

Tattooist says, sorry I can't do butterflies, I can do Bee's though.

So my wife said okay they are nice as well. She came home, dropped her pants turned round and got on all fours to show me.

I said "who the fuck ...

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

A girl wanted to get some tattoos….

She wanted a tattoo of Ryan Reynolds on the inside of her left upper thigh, and Brad Pitt on her inside upper right thigh. When the tattoo artist was finished, she was not happy with the results. She went out on the street, lifted up her skirt to the first person she saw and demanded to know “who do...

My wife comes from from the tattoo parlour

She has a tattoo right on her left nipple


I ask her why, and she replies with,


"tat for tit"

I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

"The report"

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

BB King's wife had a B tattooed on each of her cheeks for his birthday

She dropped her panties, turned around and bent over. "Surprise", she said. BB looked at her and asked "Who's Bob?"

Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.

But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

A little bit about me: I’m 6’3” with tattoos.

I’m 5’9” without.

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

How do you give a monster a tattoo?

With Monster's Ink!

so i was in a urinal in the carribbean

And on my love muscle i have my GFs name Wendy tattoed. I was in the urinal next to this dark guy who had the letters W and Y tattooed on his love muscle. I asked him if he had a gf called Wendy as well, he said "Na man. It says Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice stay"

I’m thinking of getting a canteen tattooed on my arm

It will be a Thermos Tat.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

*“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”*

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I'm thinking of opening a tattoo parlor where women flash their breasts for free tattoos.

Call it..."tit for tat".

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

When I asked the tattoo artist to cover my arms with flames, they refused.

I don't have a firearms permit.

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

What do you call a tattoo’d rat? [OC]

Tattatouille

(My first post here, hope I did okay)

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Tattoo's?

A very tall man walks into a bar...and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so th...

An Elvis Presley fan decides to get his likeness tattooed on each of her thighs.

However, she was not entirely pleased with the end result. One night, during a particularly successful tinder date, she decided to get a second opinion. Flipping on the lights and lifting her frock she asked her date "Does this look like Elvis to you?" After a moment of careful study, her date repli...

My friends and I went drinking last weekend

This wasn't casual drinking, we got absolutely wasted. I still have a little bit of a headache from the hangover. I don't remember a lot from the night, but I do remember multiple dares, and a bet about who could drink the most without blacking out. I don't remember what placement I got, but I do kn...

A Captain's wife after a year of marriage

loves her husband dearly, misses him the long weeks he's upon the unforgiving sea earning their keep, but worries some fateful day he won't return. Wise woman that she is, she knew what man, what life she chose. Her man is Captain of the Rigid Timber, hardest working ship on the sea. He is an honest...

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For my birthday I got the words “I love you” tattooed on my Dick

My wife said

Stop trying to put words in my mouth!

Tattoo

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tat...

A lady decides to get a tattoo

A lady who is a huge Elvis fan decides on his birthday to get a tattoo of the King to commemorate his life.

She goes to a well-known tattoo artist in town and asks that he put the ink on the inside of her thigh. The artist draws it out and asked her, “Do you like the design, and is right her...

What has a tattoo of a dragon squeaks when you eat it?

Halloumi Rapace.

From the moment I saw my wife's abacus tattoo,

I knew I could always count on her.

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

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A man tattooed his wife's name on his penis to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary

When he got home, he said "Honey, I tattooed your name on my wiener to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary!"

His wife got extremely angry and said "I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to put words in my mouth!"

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I got an inspirational quote tattooed on my dick...

But women were like, TL;DR!

I always ask people what their bad tattoo means

It usually means I’m about to get beat up

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

I got a Gucci tattoo on my ball sack

I've got a designer bag now

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

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A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s their Tit for Tat special.

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

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Finally got my first tattoo. A “P” on my left ass cheek and a “P” on the right

It really pops when I bend over

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A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

I went for a tattoo.

I told the tattooist that I wanted a tattoo of an Indian on my back.

Half way through I said "put a tomahawk in his right hand."

"Tomahawk.?" "I have just finished his turban."

Tattoos are like children...

You think they are permanent, but they can easily be removed with a laser.

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The bloody dog ran off last night...

I walked round the park calling his name for 30 mins & still couldn't find him, my wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog.

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I saw a pornstar in public and told her that she was beautiful. She replied that I had a nice tattoo.

It was tit-for-tat.

Little old man on the bus

A little old man gets on a crowded city bus, every seat filled. A tough looking bloke with a lot of prison tattoos is kicking his feet onto the seat opposite him, keeping it from being used.

The little old waddles over says 'scuze me' and pushes the tough bloke's legs off the seat.
...

Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other

The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look a...

My wife and I don't have tattoos

Because we're both afraid of long-term permanent commitments.

What did the robot say to the guy running the tattoo shop?

I'd like to get my nickels pierced.

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Jamaican man

Once an English man went to Jamaica. He was using the urinal and saw a Jamaican man. He saw the tattoo of initial W A on the Jamaican man's penis and was a bit jealous. He went to a tattoo parlor and got himself a tattoo on his penis. The next day, he met the same Jamaican man and proudly prompted, ...

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

What do you call a beautiful girl on a drummer's arm?

A tattoo.

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After seeing my new tattoo, my angered wife retaliated by getting a breast reduction...

tit for tat.

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.

Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.

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So my family is considering matching tattoos.

My eldest sister recommends flowers.
My middle sister recommends fruits.
My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.

Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.

People warned me not to get a tattoo of anyone's name, in case I stopped loving that person after a week, month, year, etc.

Does anyone know of a really good tattoo removal service where can get my kid's name completely erased?

So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character

You should've seen the Luke on her face.

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3 men with tattoos (OC)

One day, I had headed to the gym. When I arrived I saw 3 bodybuilders. One was a massive black man with the word "Cobra" tattooed to his knuckles. Another was a big white man with the word "Hive" tattooed to his knuckles. The last one was a small white man with the word "Trunk" tattooed to his knuck...

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A man gets "I love you" tattooed on his penis.

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".

My girlfriend said she wanted to get her ex's name tattooed on her back.

That's nice of her, getting my name tattooed on her back.

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I'm thinking of tattooing an X on each butt cheek.

That way I can have hot cross buns year round.

A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head.

From a distance they looked like hares.

In New York there are many tattoo artists from all over the world, but for some reason the artists from Spain have trouble getting business.

Why? Because nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

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A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"

The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"

Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during ...

My girlfriend got a tattoo that said "Proud Christian"

I don't think our kids got it though.

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What’s it called when a stripper and a tattoo artist trade services?

Tit for tat.

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Two removal men are moving expensive vases

The old removal man is training up the young one but the young one seems a little stupid.

The old man is loading a vase into the back of the van when he hears a smash next to him. He looks over and sees a broken vase and the young man staring at a woman.

The old man says "what the hell...

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I’m on a date with a cute guy and we start talking about tattoos.

He asks me if I have any tattoos and I say “yeah, some stars on my right hip.” I ask him if he has any and he says “yeah, one on my dick and it says Shorty.” My face falls as I realize what this means just when we are really starting to hit things off. But then he says “when my dick gets hard it say...

Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple?

He was a rebel without a Claus

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A guy tattoos his girlfriend's name on his penis

Her name is Wendy, but when his penis is soft only the "W" and the "Y" can be seen. Kinda weird, going around with a random "WY" tattooed on his weiner, but he really loves Wendy, so he couldn't care less about what other people thought.
One day he goes to play soccer with some friends of his an...

My coworker was showing off a tattoo, and I said I couldn't get any for myself.

I said, "if I got a tattoo, I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery."

"Oh! I didn't know you were Jewish!"

"I'm not. That's the third reason I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery."

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Why did the stripper get a large "W" tattooed on each 'cheek'?

Every time she does a somersault, it says: "WOW, MOM, WOW!"

A lady goes into a tattoo palor...

to get a tat of Elvis on the inside of her thigh.

Her and the artist pick out an Elvis she likes and he goes to work.

When he's finished, she looks down and flips out! "That doesn't look anything thing like Elvis"!

They argue back and forth for a bit, and he tells her he'll do o...

What do you receive after you get a tattoo of the founder of Microsoft?

A Bill.

My tattoo artist loves her squid and the squid loves me. But I love both of them

I'll ink them both

First, I got a tattoo on my Clavical that says “5”

Then I got a tattoo on my thoracic that says “4”

Then I got a tattoo on my lumbar that says “3”

Then I got a tattoo on my sacrum that says “2”

Then I got a tattoo on my coccyx that says “1”

It’s the spinal countdown!

I don’t understand my missus. First she says, “Yes, fine, have a tattoo!”

and now she’s moaning about all the bagpipers in the garden!

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

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A man is getting married, and decides to get a tattoo to honor his bride to be

He wants to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When he goes to get it done, he finds out that it has to be hard.

As a result, his flaccid penis just says WY.

On their honey moon in jamaica, this man finds himself in the bathroom at a bar next to the local bartender. Rather d...

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(NSFW) The Tattoo

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "where the hell have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred-dollar bill on my penis."

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred-dollar bill ...

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So this girls comes into my tattoo parlor begging to get live laugh love tattooed on her back

Normally I'd say no but she was pretty hot. Next she says she doesn't have any money.

Her: "I can pay you with my watch?"

Me: "I don't want your fake Rolex. Tell you what. I'll tattoo you if you show me your titties."

Her: "What? No way! I'm not showing you my tits. Ask for some...

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