UPJOKE
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There's a graveyard at the end of my street.

I guess it really is a dead end.

Why’s a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?

Everybody’s 6 feet away

Why did the graveyard get a COVID test?

Because of all the coffin.

Last night I was about to take a short cut through the graveyard when two young ladies stopped me.

"Can we walk with you?" said one of them. "Please?"

"Sure," I said, and off we went.

"It really freaks us out walking through the graveyard after dark," explained the other.

"No problem," I said. "...It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

What do you call it when an orphan goes to the graveyard?

A family reunion.

Man the graveyard looks overcrowded,

people are dying to get in!

Why are graveyards noisy?

Because of all of the coffin!

Why did the chicken cross the graveyard?

To get to... the other side!

You can only speak ill of the dead at a graveyard

They're beneath you

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What’s the difference between Tinder and a graveyard?

I’m never had sex with someone I’ve met on Tinder.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

Why do they put fences around graveyards?

Because people are dying to get in!

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

I just read a novel that took place in the world's smallest graveyard

Honestly, it sucked. It didn't even have a plot.

A man and his son are driving past a graveyard.

Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"

His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

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A man is squatting in a graveyard.

A man is squatting in a graveyard when another man walking by, politely utters "Morning."
The first man replies "No. I'm taking a shit."

Why Didn't The Tall Guy Get Into The Graveyard?

He wasn't under six feet.

Cold night and walk through a graveyard

It was a cold night and I already missed my bus, so now I had a long walk home.

But I remembered there was a shortcut which passed through a graveyard. I was a bit scared to take this shortcut but gathered all my courage and thought that in the daytime many people take this shortcut so why no...

How many people are dead in that Graveyard?

Drove by a graveyard and asked my friends how many people they thought were dead in there. They guessed 100,200, 134 and so on. So they were curious and asked what the answer was.

I said, "all of them".

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My girlfriend phoned me while I was on the graveyard shift.

"There are three blokes standing outside," she whispered nervously. "I think they're going to break in to our house!"

"If they force their way in," I replied, "don't let them have anything good. Alright?"

"OK!" she snapped. "I'll try my best."

I said, "No TV, no PlayStation, non...

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A man was taking a 6am stroll, when he saw someone crouching in a graveyard.

Trying to be polite, he tips his hat and says, “morning.”

The guy replies, “nah, just taking a shit.”

How come the lawn of a graveyard needs to be mowed so often?

Because of everybody pushing up the daisies

What? You couldn't see what was wrong with raffling out bodies at the graveyard?

Dead giveaway, man

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a church graveyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music c...

The city officials haven't decide whether or not to tear down the graveyard

So for now...remains to be seen

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the prev...

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Three guys getting drunk in a graveyard

So three guy were drinking in a graveyard when a demon came to them and said “how dare you invade my domain and disturb me in this hour!” One of the guys said “we’re so sorry it’s just that bars are getting expensive and it’s quiet in here away from our wives and kids”
The demon felt sorry for th...

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.


The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It w...

Mothers day

I gave my mom flowers yesterday for mothers day and she and my dad jokingly asked whose yard I stole them from.

I said I stole them from the graveyard.

It took me a second to realize what I had said, they looked horrified then we all started cracking up laughing.

I'm glad my ...

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One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

I got kicked out of a graveyard the last time I went to Scotland.

They didn't appreciate me writing "Graveheart" on William Wallace's tombstone.

hey girl, are you a graveyard

Because I would die to get inside of you.

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

a woman is supposed to go thru a graveyard to at night

sees a man and asks if he can accompany her. The man agrees and both of them start walking. The woman asks if he is also afraid of graveyards. The man replies "well when i was alive i was also afraid".

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A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.

‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.

Did you hear about the airplane that crashed into a graveyard?

They found no survivors but recovered 6000 bodies.

A young american man was digging a massive pit for a Roman Catholic graveyard.

At 10 AM, he saw a priest leading a congregation to a nearby clearing with a wooden pedestal. The priest preached and the group listened intently. After an hour, they left.

The young man asks his supervisor, "Why are they praying on an empty field?"

His supervisor replied, "they were p...

A couple are walking through a graveyard and see a man crying at a graveside.....

As they get closer they stop talking to show respect, and overhear him crying: "Why did you have to die? My life was so perfect. I'd wake up every day happy and looking forward to life. Now everything is black, and I wake up every day wondering how much longer I can go on."
He notices the ...

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A priest and a pretty nun ride the bus home….

The priest approaches the nun and says “excuse me sister of the cloth, I don’t suppose you would give me a blowjob?”

Shocked, the nun replies “father, I cannot, I am devoted to god and my body belongs to him and him alone”

She hurries off the bus in disgust.

The bus arrives at t...

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I was strolling through the graveyard, walking my dog when...

I happened across a man, crouched behind a gravestone.

"Morning" I said, tipping my hat to him.

"Nope" he replied "Just taking a shit"

Ya'll hear about that two-seater plane that crashed into the graveyard?

It was a bloody disaster, authorities dug up nearly 300 bodies

How do you change gears in a coffin car?

You have to work the graveyard shift.

What's the difference between a toilet and a graveyard?

Nothing. When you have to go, you have to go.

A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard

A groundskeeper was walking through a graveyard when he heard someone sobbing. He turned down a row of headstones to see a man kneeling in front of a grave and wailing.

"How could you do this to me?! ?" He cried. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, every second is agony! Why didn't you say anythin...

What do you call a graveyard full of disabled people

A vegetable garden

when does a graveyard become a raveyard

When the technomancer shows up

Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.

Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.

Fun fact: I used to help out with first aid!

Unfortunately, I performed so poorly they put me on the graveyard shift.

I went to the graveyard to visit my nan but i wasnt allowed in

Turns out its RIP only

Standing in a graveyard, Lex Luthor and his subordinate are planning Superman's demise

Lex: This is the night I bury Superman!

Henchman: You've finally figured out his weakness?

Lex: Yes, this evening, I'll lure him into this tomb and he'll be incapacitated!

Henchman: How does that work?

Lex: It's his crypt-tonight.

A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning.

A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery:

"Morning!"

The elderly man replies:

"Oh no, just taking a dump."

A man, walks into a graveyard.

“I could stay here forever!” He says.

”Good.” His dad says”

A sick kid in the hospital

Kid : will you visit me when I get out

Doctor : don’t be stupid, I hate graveyards

What do you call a pig in a graveyard

Dead Meat

What happens once a year and only at a graveyard?

Mother's Day for Disney characters.

A man walks into a graveyard bar

"Can I get a beer?" he asks as he walks up to the bar.

"I'm sorry," replies the bartender. "We serve only spirits."

Last October, I was walking through the cemetery.

I came across a trash can where someone had thrown out their Kraft Halloween monster themed mac and cheese...

It was the mac.

It was the monster mac.

the monster mac

was in the graveyard trash.



Thanks mom for this more obscure one

So a man was walking through a graveyard...

When he began hearing music coming from one of the graves. So he followed the sound and ended up at Beethoven's grave. Then he recognized the music, it was Beethoven's 9th but it was playing backwards! So the man called up his friend to come check it out and when the friend arrived Beethoven's 7th w...

I asked my grandfather what it's like in a graveyard

He said he wasn't sure but it must be good, as last he heard everyone he knew was dying to get in there.

A man is walking in a graveyard!

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.

“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”

We were driving past the graveyard and my dad asks:

"Do you know why I can’t be buried there?"

"Why not?"

"Because I’m not dead yet, Son."

How many bones are there in a graveyard?

A skeleTON.

Have you ever been to an arctic graveyard?

It's chilling...

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A woman prays in the graveyard..

Every single week she kneels before the headstone. When she is finished, she stands up and slowly walks backwards all the way out of the cemetery.

One day a lady stops her to ask why she doesn't turn around and walk normally.

She replies,

"My husband is laid to rest here. He a...

So my gig at the graveyard didn't go to well...

The crowd was pretty dead.

A man took his wife to a graveyard for their vacation,

The wife says “I wanted to go to an island! Who takes someone to the graveyard for a vacation”

The husband responds, “People die to come here, but here you are complaining”

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If you have sex on Halloween, is it a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

Well it’s only a graveyard smash if she’s had a abortion

A graveyard guard was taking a walk outside of the walls.

Suddenly, he hears the sound of something chiseling rock, he thinks its just his imagination and continues walking.

5 minutes later he hears it again, this time closer, but it quickly stops, so he moves on.

5 minutes later, he hears it again, just on the other side of the wall he is ne...

I recently had to bury my beloved grandmother in the local graveyard.

She should be dead by now

Graveyards are great places to get laid

Especially if you have a shovel and a “can do” attitude!

People ask me why I like the graveyard so much.

I dig the graves.

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A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna fuck?" But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop.
A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he want's to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here.
I hea...

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What do you call a 2000 pound orgy in a church graveyard?

A Sexton.

A helicopter crashes in a graveyard...

the police recovered 300 bodies.

On a cold and rainy night a man cuts through a cemetery.

and falls into an freshly dug, empty grave. He struggles to get out but can't climb the wet,slippery walls. He begins shouting for help but has little hope as the rain is making a thunderous noise and it is late at night. A drunk, oblivious to the weather, is wending his way through the graveyard wh...

Why can't you cut a graveyard exactly in half?

Because it's a-cemetery

Old Marsh was walking home drunk...

...though the graveyard, and the silly ol' sod fell into an open grave just as it started to rain. He tried to climb up the sides but repeatedly slid on the mud, back into the grave. Finally, he resigned himself to his fate and settled into a dark corner of the pit to wait out the storm.

An...

I was walking through a graveyard in Europe...

When I heard some strange music coming from one of the graves. Turns out, it was coming from Beethoven's grave. I took out my phone and recorded it, then took it to a friend of mine to identify.

"This is really strange...", he said. "This sounds like one of Beethoven's Symphonies, but it's ba...

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A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her

The Nun, very upset, say,s"NO! I am married to God" and gets off the bus disgusted

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the Hippie, "She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard... why don't you tell her you are God and demand sex?"

The Hippie tries this and to his surp...

How do you get honey from a graveyard?

From a zombee!






I'll see myself out

Shortcut through a graveyard.

There was a man walking home from a bar late one night. As usual he took a shortcut through a graveyard. Since it was especially foggy that night he didn't see a freshly dug grave and fell headlong into the pit. He tried for over 20 min to climb out but couldn't manage to escape. As he sat there pon...

Renewing public sector is like moving a graveyard.

You won't get much help from those already there.

I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...

A helicopter crashed on a graveyard

Reports says over 500 dead.

TIL Gerry Rafferty of Stealers Wheel is buried in the same graveyard as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger.

He has a clown to the left of him and a joker to the right.

Did you know that your local graveyard doesn't allow anyone who lives where you are to be buried there....

....As they need to be dead first

What do you call a Graveyard built on sandstone?

A sedimentary.

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2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out

At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to...

Guy sitting in a graveyard

A man works at a graveyard, but he still gets the chills when he is around gravestones. The grave keeper passes by the graveyard one day and sees a man just sitting next to a couple of gravestones. He walks up to the man and asks him, “Aren't you scared in this place?"

The man looks at him a...

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Here's some one line jokes

A guy was crouched next to a grave, so another man walking by inquired "mourning?" to which he replied "no just taking a shit".


Three girls were walking through a graveyard and they looked scared so I decided to walk then through it. They asked me if I wasn't scared of graveyards I said "...

In the middle of the night, a taxi driver picked up a lone woman

It's pitch black outside and the woman is otherworldly beautiful. The taxi driver just started doing night shifts and he suddenly remembered all the stories about ghost women seducing young men at night which made him very nervous. Aside from giving an address, the woman was silent the whole way. As...

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man."

"How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

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