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Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your roo...

The Catholic Church banned plastic bags from its premises.

They consider them to be sac-religious.

What did the Hindu monk say when the policeman asked him to leave the premises?

Namaste.

How do redditors leave hotel premises?

Username checks out

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

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There’s an unusual hospital

where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.

For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want ...

Who Says Retirees are not Naughty

One Retirees group decided to meet over lunch.

All 15 of them met and had good food, drinks and dessert. Then the bill arrived. All 15 of them rushed to grab the bill for payment. There was a scene with everyone fighting to take the bill.

The Hotel Manager saw this and appreciated the...

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

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Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and befor...

[Long] Three men are interviewing for a FBI job...

The instructor sits them in a room togeather and starts out by saying, "men you three are the finest america has to offer. Gun skills, hand to hand combat, not to mention youre IQs are near genius levels. There is only one test left." The instructor walks over to a small hallway with three doors. "W...

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

My side hustle (building model boats in my attic) is going so well that...

I might have to move to new premises.

Sales are through the roof.

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Pissin' in the snow, 2019

Donald Trump wakes up one morning and looks out the White House window, where he sees "Donald Trump Sucks" in huge letters, pissed into the snow below. He calls in the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret Service, and screams, "I want answers! Who's responsible for this? Report back after lunch!"

...

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A farmer was minding his business on a day like any other

A farmer was minding his business on a day like any other doing chores and caring for his land.

By noon just as he was enjoying lunch, a black government car comes rolling down the road. A few agents get out and slowly approach him.

“We are to perform a search of your premises on sus...

A man was invited to a wedding

When he reached the hotel, he found two doors with two signs written

1. Bride Relatives

2. Groom Relatives

He entered the groom's door and and found another two doors

1. Ladies

2. Men

He entered the Men's door and found two more doors

1. People with g...

A magician performs on a cruise

A magician is performing on a cruise when one of the rich clients comes in with her pet parrot. He disappears one of the assistants from the stage and the parrot inmediately explains how it was done. Infuriated, he asks the woman to leave the premises.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry". She says. "My ...

A man walks into a bar

After being blinded by the bar lights, he finds a seat and asks the barkeep for a beer. The barkeep, responding gruffly, states that there is no beer. Annoyed, but still thirsty, the man asks for a shot of whiskey. The barkeep, responding gruffly, states that there is no liquor on the premises. Infu...

A robber walks into a sperm bank wearing a mask and carrying a gun...

... he walks up to the counter and points the gun at the lady and shouts "open up that safe!! Now!!".

The lady says "sir, we're a sperm bank, we don't have any money on the premises".

The robber screams at her "i don't care! Take everything out of the safe and put it on the counter"...

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A man offers $200 for sex on Craigslist.

A financially struggling woman responds and accepts the arrangement. However, after the act is completed, the man refuses to pay her the full amount and only gives her $100. She threatens to sue him in small claims but the man laughs at her and leaves.

A few weeks later, he's summoned to co...

[Long] An FBI agent pulls up to a farm...

An FBI agent pulls up to a farm and tells the farmer there that he's conducting a search warrant on the premises that there has been illegal activity reported at the farm.
The farmer looks at the warrant and tells the FBI officer to proceed. After looking around for a while the FBI points out to ...

A string walks into a bar...

So a shoelace walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender looks at him and responds: "We don't serve shoelaces here, leave."

The shoelace, rather put out, exits the establishment, and proceeds to tie himself into a knot. He then returns to the bar and, again, orders a sco...

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Man Gets Biggest Shock Ever After Eating A Hot Chilli. This Is Insane 💕

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written gu...

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ATTACK DOG

A man wanted a big, veracious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they ha...

[Nerd joke] What do trespassers have in common with logical fallacies?

They both violate the rules of the premises.

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The headmistress of a Southern charm school calls up an army base and asks to speak to the Colonel.

"Sir, I do apologize for calling you so late, but my girls have informed me we have a bit of an issue that needs addressing directly," she says, "And I hoped you might lend a hand in solving it."

"Of course, Ma'am, I'll be happy to help if I can," says the Colonel. "What's the matter?"
...

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