I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

Three hunters go into the forest

One is really good, one is ok, and the third one is bad.

the first day, the good hunter goes out and comes back after a few hours with two deer. Astounded, the other two ask how he did it. he says "simple. I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer, and bring it home fo...

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I don't go for that shit

Back before the west had been settled a young man had seen the worst of humanity and decided that he wanted to live on his own. So, he packed up all his belongings and headed for the mountains of Colorado and lived as a trapper.

After a year of trapping he takes his pelts into town and goes ...

Did you hear about the guy who was pelted to death by dice?

Yeah, the police reports state that he died to death.

I was trying to find out where my local pelt-merchant was hosting a “Lupine Designs” fashion gala for his fellow lycanthropes this year

So I asked “Where is the werewolf’s wolf-wares warehouse where werewolves wear wolves’ wares?”

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Dave is a well known, respected hunter, known to be the best in the state.

One night, he is sitting in a bar with some friends, and an out of state hunter stops in the bar.
He overhears Dave’s friends talking about how he’s the best and says, “there is no way he is the best hunter in the state!”

So Dave bets him that he can not look and guess what an animal was ...

The Hunter.

There was a big game hunter in a bar in Africa. He was on a safari vacation with his wife. He was very good as a hunter.

While in the bar, he boasted that he could tell any animal and how it was killed by the feel of the pelt and the bullet hole. And he could do it blindfolded.

Of co...

There was once an old trapper drinking in a tavern.

He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!"

The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. ...

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An old man is sitting with his grandson in his hunting cabin...

Among the walls are the mounted heads and pelts of animals he had taken down over the years.

The boy points to a sizable pair of antlers, and says "Wow Grandpa, those are *big* antlers!"

"They sure are. That deer was a majestic creature," the old man responds.

The boy then poin...

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"*Wow!*" the girl shouts. "Now it's *really*...

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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I got this one from the 2012 film 'Lincoln'

Ethan Allen was a Revolutionary War hero who had occasion to visit England shortly after peace was declared. During this trip, Allen’s British hosts pelted him with jokes about Americans and General Washington in particular and one day they got a picture of General Washington which was conspicuously...

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Talking clock

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him about the brass gong hanging on the wall.
Paddy says ‘It’s my speaking clock’
‘How does it work?’ his mate asks.
‘I’ll show you’ says Paddy, and hits it full pelt with a hammer.
A voice fr...

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A Joke My Stepdad Told Me

This may be an old joke that some of you can predict, but I thought it was funny to share:


So there was this fly flying around above this river, with a fish in the river nearby.

The fish thought to himself that he could get that fly and have a nice snack if it would just drop 6 i...

Lions eat anything

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he d...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were on horseback across the prairies...

Every now and then Tonto would dismount his horse and put his ear to the group to check for while life or followers.
Each and every time the Lone Ranger was amazed by Tonto’s talent. He never questioned his predictions. When he said cowboys were up ahead, there were. When he said wild life was ne...

The king

Once there was a great tribal king. Fearlessly, he led his troops into battle. He settled disputes fairly, and ruled with grace and compassion. And he lived a humble life. No palaces for this king; he lived in a straw hut just like the rest of his subjects, and shared out the tribes resources so tha...

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I’m a panda

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a beer & a sandwich. As he finishes up his meal, he pulls a gun from his pelt & fires a round right through a Zima advertisement above the bar. He then heads for the door. The bartender shouts, “hey buddy, aren’t you going to pay your tab, & why’d you ...

I got robbed in a weird way today

I was walking along the street when some dude punched me in the back of the head and stole my wallet. I chased him down into an alley with a dead end, then much to my surprise he stripped completely naked and covered himself in baby oil, I couldn't grab hold of his arm at all. He ran full pelt into ...

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Old Joe, the blind fur trader walks into a bar...

After sitting down and folding up his blind poking stick he says, "I'll bet anyone here $50 here I can guess what your pelt is and what you killed it with!"

The first taker throws a pelt on his table. Joe feels the fur, tests its texture and smell, feels the wound of the killing blow. Says, "...

So two guys are wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree...

So there's two guys wandering through a desert, searching for water. One guy is a little ahead of the other one and they are walking in a line. After a few hours of wandering, the first guy sees a dark shape on the horizon. He points it out and says, "Dude, I think I see something!" And the first gu...

A man was walking into Starbucks for his daily coffee,

except this time there were a ton of birds, numbering in the thousands. He walked in and asked the barista, "Hey, what's up with all these birds?" The barista replied, "I'm not sure, but it's affecting our business. Tell you what, I'll give you a dollar for every bird you can kill. I've got some bur...

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A Joke for Mother's Day

An angry mob is getting prepared to stone a woman to death for allegedly committing adultery, when Jesus steps out and stands between the woman and the crowd. "Do not be so quick to judge the actions of others!" He proclaimed, "You all have had your moments of weakness. Let him who is without sin ca...

Guy can tell how any animal was killed

Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.

People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).

the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, th...

Pickled Onion

*My friend told me this today, so I rewrote it the way I remember. Trust me, it's worth the read!*

This story takes place in the middle ages, with kings, knights, castles, etc.

There was an adventurer wandering through the night during a storm. The wind was gusting, and he was being pe...

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