It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

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A man walking through the forest decides to cross a stream

He takes off his pants so they don't get wet and starts to walk

He almost gets to the other side when a hand grabs him by the balls underwater and a voice says

"plus 2 or minus 2?"

The man thinks for a moment and says "plus 2"

When he gets ashore and looks down he sees th...

Did you hear about that new anime streaming service?

Its called Huwlu.

I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies.

Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The a...

Relationships are a lot like free streams...

you have to go through a lot of Xs before you find what you are looking for

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

Two boys play in a stream

Two boys are bored on a hot summer day, so they decide to go down to a local stream to play and cool off. They’re walking down the trail through the woods when they notice there’s somebody in their normal play spot. Curious, the boys sneak closer to the water and hide behind a bush as not to be seen...

You mean WHAT?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by.”
"No," he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this...

Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words:

“Rat tu, touille?”

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A hiker in Scotland stops to drink from a stream.

Just as he is lifting his hand to his mouth a passing shepherd yells out "Dinnae drink frae that, mister, it's all full o' coo piss an' shite!"

The hiker turns and in cut-glass accents replies "My good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the she...

What streaming service do evil demonic squids watch tv on?

Cthulu

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

What’s all the fuss about Twitch streaming?

Like, comment, subscribe and I’ll tell you

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You heard about the guys breaking into stores and having sex with all the fruit?

They always come in Pears...

(Was literally just watching a live stream as I thought of this hopefully it hasn’t been done before lol)

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I like changing the power of my urine's stream while pissing.

It's the only thing I can control in my life.

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

A pastor was in his church with his congregation during Coronavirus.

He was praying to God for help to shield them from getting the virus.

An individual in one of the rows stood up and said to the pastor “Matthew 18:20 says Where two or three are gathered in my name there I am with them, so we all don’t have to meet in a large group and will be protected from ...

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

With some many streaming services it's difficult to pick between Disney+ and Hulu Plus

Personally, I prefer LGBTQ+

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Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.

Three old men are sitting in an old-age home bitching about how much their lives suck.

The first one says "Every morning I wake up at 6:00. At 6:30 I piss for half an hour, just standing there as piss dribbles out. At 7:00 I shit for an hour before I can squeeze anything out. I hate this life...

The Monkey in the Jungle gettin high

A lizard is walking in the jungle and sees a monkey high up in a tree smokin a joint. The lizard says 'AYYY!! Are you.. smokin up there??'

'Yeah bro, c'mon up here and smoke this with me' says the monkey.

So they pass it back and forth a bit and eventually the lizard says 'Oh man.. co...

Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga.

I like to stay on top of current affairs.

What video streaming service do Russians use?

Niet-flix

What is Megatron least favorite streaming service?

Amazon PRIME

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A man walks into a bar,

**he notices a very large jar on the counter,** **and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10.00 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.**

**He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"**

**"Well ... , you pay $10.00, and ...

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

Bang bang

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then...

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

I’m like that one stray stream of water from the shower head...

The people who turn me on hate me the most.

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Fritz and his grandpa Hans sit atop a hill overlooking their cozy little village.

Hans points at one of the houses and says "See that house over there? I built that. But do the people of our village call me 'Hans the house builder'? No."

Then he points at a bridge crossing a small stream and says "And see that bridge over there? I built that as well. But do the people of o...

I'm trying to stream Titanic

But it keeps syncing

They say an 80s D&D TV show couldn't work on a modern internet streaming platform

But Stranger Things has happened.

What would a streaming service run by The Great Old One be called?

C’Hulu

What is the most popular movie streaming service in Russia?

NyetFlix

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A businessman visits Japan for the first time

A business man visits Japan for the first time.

He checks in to a hotel and is shown around the room. He notices that there is no toilet paper, and asks the hotel porter about it.

Well, says the porter, this is Japan, and our toilets are advanced, all will be handled by the buttons on ...

I left my Gopro on when I went to the bathroom.

It was a live stream.

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

First Time at the Barber

I had never been to an actual barber before yesterday, I've grown my hair and beard out for the past several years for a few reasons, but mostly because up until a couple weeks ago I've been too poor to afford regular haircuts. I string enough jobs together working out of a labor pool to get by,...

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Just tried streaming that new Bohemian Rhapsody movie but the quality was shit...

...I could only see a little silouetto of a man!

What do you call a voodoo live stream?

Twitch-craft.

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.

One yells to the other, 'How do you get to the other side?' The other blonde replies, 'You are on the other side!'

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There was once a fish in the stream who was looking up at a fly...

...the fish thought, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches, I would have myself a nice meal.”
Meanwhile, there is a bear sitting behind a tree, looking at the fish who was looking at the fly. The bear is thinking, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches and that fish goes up to get it, I’ll go grab that fish ...

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Have you seen a leprechaun nun?

Two lepracauns walk up to the doors of a Catholic Church in Ireland. One of them knocks on the door. The father opened the door and says, "yes, my sons. What can I do for you?" The first leprechaun asks, "tell me father, do you have any leprechaun nuns in your church?" The father, taken aback, says,...

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

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Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! ITS A BOY"

and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.

A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream.

He shouted over in Welsh: “Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!”

The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.

But still the man couldn't...

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Why we rarely see male live streaming masturbation like camgirls?

Because the stream ends in 2 minutes!

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A fly over a stream. [Dirty Joke]

One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream.

In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I'd be able to jump up, catch it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Alongside...

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Why buy Netflix, Hulu, or Disney plus when you can go on pornhub

its, hands down, the best "up and coming" streaming service

After creating the Nile, God became the first self promoter on twitch.

"Check out my stream!"

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

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(Long)(Dirty) A fly was hovering 6 inches above a stream...

Below that stream was a fish. He watched thay fly intently, saying 'if that fly dropped about 6 inches, I could swim up and have some lunch.'

On the bank of the stream was a bear. He sees the fish is distracted and says to himself, 'if that fly drops about 6 inches, that fish will jump up, a...

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A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

My Alg II told us this one (Part 2)

Boodro and Tibbideux were fishing on a boat when a man passes by with a boat full of fish. They ask him, "How'd you get all those fish?" And the man says "You got to go up the stream to where the salt water turns to fresh water." So they go up the stream for about 30 minutes. Tibbideux asks how they...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

Seamus the farmer had a nagging wife.

She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day while in the field, Seamus’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Seamus’s old donkey kick...

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I named my WiFi network after my wife.

They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.

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Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and ...

An unemployed finds hard getting a suitable job in his stream.

An unemployed graduate was looking for a suitable job in his stream. He attended several exams and many personal interviews, only to be rejected. Being fed up after so many months of his job hunt, he decided to get into any job that will provide him some money for his daily expenses.
Being financ...

What's Russias favorite streaming site?

Nyetflix

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

A salesman gets a flat tire in front of the insane asylum.

As he changes the tire a guy on the other side of the fence sits watching him.
In the process of changing the tire the salesman kicks the nuts holding the wheel and loses the nuts in a the stream next to the road.
Raging about and cursing his luck he's interrupted by the guy on the other sid...

An old man is fishing by the creek.

Soon a wagon pulled by horses approaches on the road behind him.
"Is the water shallow enough to pass through with my horses and goods, old man ?" bellowed the driver.
"Sure mere few feet to the right, a small family made their way across not an hour ago" meekly said the old-timer.

Ha...

Peaceful Place

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenit...

A man REALLY has to pee

He walks into the restroom of a venue and stands in front of a urinal.Suddenly he hears a weird sound and looks to his side. There hee sees another guy peeing but with two streams!

Intrigued. He asks how that's possible, two streams! The other guy looks up and explains he’s a veteran and by b...

Why can't house flies stream on twitch?

Because they would immediately get swatted.

Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia.

It's called Nyetflix.

What did the fisherman stream?

A rodcast.

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day.

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian.
They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being...

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A hunting tale

There’s a fly flying above a stream and there’s a fish watching the fly and it’s thinking “if that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna have a great meal.” Meanwhile, there’s a bear on the bank watching the fish thinking, “if that fly drops 6 inches that fish is gonna get the fly and I’m gonna have a great ...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

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A blonde is down on her luck

So she pleads to God, "Please let me win the lottery! I need the money so bad. Please help your faithful servant!"

A week comes and goes, and she doesn't win the lottery. Upset, she gets down on her knees, looks up to the heavens with tears streaming down her face and pleads, "God, I beg of y...

So this Eskimo’s snowmobile breaks down.

He goes to a shop and has the mechanic look at it. Well this Eskimo goes outside to get a drink from the stream. He comes back in and the engineer looks at him, and say says “well it looks like you blew a seal” and to which the Eskimo replies “huh? Oh no I just drank water. It’s just ice on my beard...

A priest, a Baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar

A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.

They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.

So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet...

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

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The tallest hotel in the world was streaming a famous Pixar movie when they pulled the plug mid way.

They fucked Up on so many levels.

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A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

Why was the mountain stream laughing?

Because it's banks were hill-areas...

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Three scientists want to know how long can an organism live without shitting

They try to test it with a pig, so they put a plug in his butthole and start feeding him for days.

The first two weeks the pig is ok, but the third week the scientists see that the pig has become very very fat, so they decide to remove the plug from his ass.

The problem is they don't k...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They'r...

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