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Seat Belt Jokes

Wearing a seat belt

Men: /

Women: %

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked.

Then it just clicked

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seat belt

What's the first thing that goes through your head, when you find yourself in a car accident without a seat belt?

The windshield

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What gets long when you jerk it,fits between boobs,slides in a hole and loves to be pulled?

A seat belt you pervert

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I couldn't quite click my seat belt together the other day...

Then it buckled...wait...shit.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year- old boy this morning...

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the fuck was that? Stop the car, son."

New fast and the Furious movie should be called... 'Fast 10: Your Seat belts'

Source: Wife's Facebook... made me chuckle.

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People say that if princess Diana had been wearing a seat belt she would still be with us today.

I say to those people. Have you tried snorting cocaine of a cock in the back of a limo wearing a seat belt? It's fucking impossible.

A married couple leaves a formal event

He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.

"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."

"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.

They drive to an intersection. Across from them i...

They keep telling me to put on my seat belt to keep me safe during an accident

But don’t they know the safest place during an accident is outside the car.

A man and his wife are driving home one night...

when a cop pulls them over. As they're sitting there waiting, the man realizes he doesn't have his seat belt on and nonchalantly puts it on before the cop walks up.

"Do you know why I pulled you over" the cop asks.
"No officer" the man replies.
"You were driving without a seat belt."...

Just bought some extra strong beer. On the tin it says 'Please drink responsibly'

Well I've got my seat belt on...

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a...

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seat belts.

A police officer pulls over a driver...

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license....

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A man drives by a police camera and it flashes...

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.

Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time g...

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A guy gets pulled over by a cop...

So a guy gets pulled over by a patrol car. The cop approaches the car and explains that he pulled the man over for speeding.

"That's impossible," says the man, "I was using my cruise control, and was going exactly the speed limit."

The man's wife says, "Oh that's not true, the cruise ...

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction

Traffic accidents. Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

Got pulled over for open container

I asked the cop "if its illegal to drink a beer while you drive then why is there a bottle opener attached to every seat?"

He said: "sir, those are seat belts."

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A couple are driving and get involved in a huge crash.

The wife is thrown from the car and killed instantly. The husband wasnt hurt severely from the crash by wearing his seat belt.

When emergency services arrive the man is screaming for his wife and rolling around in pain. Police come and inform him his wife died in the collision.

The m...

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

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Galley Chick

The Airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the ...

A cop pulls over a man and his wife

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,

"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fast...

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A man gets pulled over...

Cops walks over:

Cop: Sir, you know how fast you were going?

Man: I have no idea officer, just paying attention to the road, I guess.

Wife: Bullshit! You were going 90! I told you to slow down! Slow down! But noooooo!!

Man (quietly): shut the fuck up

Cop: I notic...

Irish Airways

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your capt'n S Murphy O'Sullivan welcoming you to Irish Airlines! We apologise for the 4 day delay in takin' off, sadly this was unavoidable due to to the bad weather and happy hour at Ó Ceallaighs' bar.

This is flight 367 to Shannon Airport, Landi...

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

I don't know what made me feel more fat

That my fast food weighed so much in my passenger seat that my car told be to put a seat belt on it or that I was so concerned with its safety that I actually did.

She asked me treat her like a princess...

I unclipped her seat belt and crashed in to a wall.

I was driving with my three young children

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Dad, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

A joke.

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. N...

An old man was traveling on his donkey's back on a highway

Two cops having seen that decide to mess with him, so they approach the man and say

-Hey, why didn't you fasten your seat belt?

-Well I ain't gonna do that!

-Then we have to fine you.

-Yeah just make it quick I'm in a hurry

-So do you want us to fine you or the don...

A man gets pulled over

Frustrated, he reaches for the insurance and registration as the cop slowly approaches the vehicle. The man then starts to reach for his wallet when he realizes he doesn’t have his seat belt on. With a quick look in the rear view mirror he quickly puts his seatbelt on as he gets out his wallet just ...

Crossword Puzzle Pope

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a good place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed the Pope enters the plane and sits next to...

A Family Dies in a Car Crash

The only survivor is their pet monkey. The police comes to find out what happened and as it was a dry, sunny day with no hindrances to explain the crash, they begin to interrogate the monkey.

"So, what was the boy in the back doing?" and the monkey imitates punching. "Okay, so he was hitting ...

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So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..

tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend t...

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A man is sitting in an airplane waiting for take off...

...when the PA comes on. The captain says, "Alright everyone we'll be entering the runway in just a few minutes. Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take off." There's a small clicking noise, but the passengers can still hear the captain. He says to the other pilot, "Man, you know what I c...

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Women drivers amirite?

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds ... to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over i...

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My Old Teammate Ron.

So when I was in high school we had a standout basketball player (Ron) who was destined to be in the NBA in his life. As a sophomore, he was 6'7" 230, super athletic and was a star in any sport he played, but he loved basketball the most. One night he was out celebrating after a win and his buddy wa...

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