There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to He...

"A bull is standing at the border of the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?"

"A bull is standing at the border between the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?"

"A bull doesn't give milk"

"Belgians don't know that!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawy...

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

A Private is standing outside smoking

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at...

A drill sergeant is talking to his new recruits standing in a line.

Drill sergeant : “SMITH”
Smith: “Yes Sir”

Drill sergeant : “I did not see you at the camouflage practice today”
Smith: “Thank you, sir !”

A physicist sees a guy standing at the edge of a building about to jump.

He shouts:

"Don't do it! You have so much potential."

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

Two five-year-old boys were standing in the boy's room, taking a leak.

One boy looks at the other and say, "you know, my Dad has two of those."
The other boy asks, "what do you mean, 'two'?".  The first boy responds, "My Dad has a little short one that he uses to go pee, and he also has a great, big, long one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and Frank are standing by the water cooler...

(A quick note: my Dad's health has severely declined the past year. Over those months this sub has been my go-to source for something that would bring at least some glimmer of amusement and mirth to what have been some terrible days for him. He died a few days ago and I wanted to say thank you for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pheasant was standing in a field

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.

The pheasant ...

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia.

He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame". Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Citizen, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the ...

A guy was standing in front of a bathroom door in deep thought.

His friend asked him "why are you waiting outside? what are you thinking about?"

He said "I'm having a bad day. Today morning when I tried to open my bedroom door it broke. Then I tried to have a cup of coffee and the coffee handle broke. And as I was leaving for work and grabbed my briefcase...

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other, “What do you think about this mad cow disease?”
“What do I care?” says the other. “I’m a helicopter.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

They're afraid it might look like they're dancing.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"


"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first said: "You know, the wind currents here in New York are so strong that you could step off the edge of this building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current"

"You're crazy", said the second guy.

"You don't believe me?", said the first...

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

A woman answered the doorbell where a man was standing at the door.

The man said,"I'm terribly sorry,but I believe I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you."

The woman replied,"Well that's alright with me,how are you at catching mice?"

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

A lady walking by notices him and says, "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"


"That's OK," says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a computer programmer."


"So? What's that got to do with anything?"

...

I'm standing right next to the rapper who collabed with Kendrick and Jay Rock in "King's Dead"

I can't believe my eyes. **I can see the Future!**

An ageing maple and a gnarled oak were standing on the crest of a hill overlooking a verdant glen.

"You see that young sapling down there," said the oak. "I'm thinking it's a son of a birch."

"No," said the maple. "I'd wager it's a son of a beech."

Just then a ruddy woodpecker landed on a branch nearby.

"Hey Woody," said the maple. "Would you do us a favour and fly down to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horse and Chicken were standing in farmer Brown's yard. [Long]

Horse was standing in the biggest puddle of mud you ever did see, not paying attention to anything. Before he knew it, he had sunk up to his haunches and couldn't get out.
"Help me Chicken!" He cried. "Go get Farmer Brown to pull me out with his tractor"
"Can't!" Squawked Chicken. "Farmer Brow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three potatoes were standing on a street corner.

Which one was the prostitute?

The one stamped "Idaho."

A Physicist, a Biologist and a Mathematician are standing at a bus stop.

A bus stops and 5 people get in.
As the bus comes around the next time, 6 people get out.
The Physicist comments:
"That's a measuring error."
The biologist says:
"They reproduced on the way."
The mathematician says:
"If one more person gets in, the bus will be empty."

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secretary was leaving the office one night when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?” The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy”

Did you hear about the guy who lost the standing up competition?

Apparently he was defeated.

A man standing on a bridge

There was a man standing on a bridge and shouting: “ 13! 13! 13!” So another man went to him and asked: “ Why are you shouting the number 13?” The man pushed him off the bridge into the river, and started shouting: “14! 14! 14!”

What did the sailor yell to the woman standing on shore?

Land ho!

One day a chicken saw a duck standing by the edge of the road looking at the other side...

The chicken walked over to the duck and said “ don’t do it pal you will never here the end of it.”

Two men were standing around and taking a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, and didn't even have the shelves set up.

A curious old man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
“Vat ya sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling idiots."

*Without skipping a beat, t...

A Blonde Woman, a Ginger Woman, a Brunette Woman, and a Black Haired Woman are Standing in Front of a Magic Mirror

The Mirror says to them: "Tell me what you think about your qualities. If they are true, you will be transported to your dream beach home. If it is false, you will be sucked into the dark dimension within me."

All the women pause for a moment.

The Brunette woman broke the silence by s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A line of nuns are standing in front of the Bishop, and a large fountain of holy water...

One of the nuns approaches him and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have laid eyes upon a man's penis."
The bishop tells her to absolve herself of her sins by washing her eyes in the holy water before resuming her duties.
Another nun then approaches and says "Forgive me father...

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are standing a heavens gate...

.. The queue is moving slow and they get talking to one another.

"So how did you wind up here?", the first man asks the second.

The second man sighs and says, "I froze to death."

"Did it hurt? “ asked the first.

" Not really. You get cold, then sleepy, then just drift o...

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside.

One asks the other: "Should we cross?"

The other shakes his head, looking at the crosswalk: "No way, look at what happened to that zebra."

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

A priest and a homeless man are standing on the road in a heavy storm...

... Holding a sign that says "Turn Back, the end is Nigh!"

A car passes them, the driver yelling "Get off the road you lunatics!"

As it rounds the corner a loud crash is heard.

The homeless man then tells the priest "I told you we should've written 'Bridge out' you god damn idi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy standing off the side of the road, with his arm up a horses butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.

I’m not fucking lying.

Two blondes were standing on the rooftop of the highest building

First one looked down and asked:
"Hey, if I jump down from here, how long do you think it would take me to reach the ground?"

Second one then also looked down and said:
"Well, it's pretty high up here. I think it would take at least 5 days!"

"Really? Ok here's another one" she co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman arrived at a party. While looking at the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose “Carmen”. “What’s ...

Why's the musician standing at the side of the road with a tuner?

His tire is flat.

A Russian man is standing in a food line...

When he suddenly looses it and turns to his friend behind him yelling.

“That’s it! I’ve had it with this line!”

His friend responds saying.

“What are you gonna do about it? Kill Gorbachev?”

“Yeah” Responded the man “I think I will!” He then storms out of line and goes t...

The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, "just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king"

From the door, his wife giggled. " Just 5 less
centimeters and you could've been the queen instead"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man standing at the urinal looks over and sees a Leprechaun

At the urinal next to his. The Leprechaun has a massively huge dick, the guy asks "Hey how did you get your dick so big?". The Leprechaun says, "I'm a Leprechaun, I can have whatever I want.". Pressing, the man says, "How could I make mine that large?". The Leprechaun replies, "If you let me put my ...

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory

when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Ted said.

“All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said.

“Well what’s yours like?” Ted said.

“Well straight like normal,” Ed s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Scottish farmers are standing near a fence

One of them says "ya know, the first fence post is supposed to be the funniest." "I hadn't heard that," said the other. So they both went to the first post and leaned in expectantly. After hearing nothing for five minutes, the second farmer said "well that wasn't very funny." The first farmer says "...

As the robber was standing in my house I begged once more, "Please, I have three children and a wife!"

He answered: "For the last time dude i'm not going to shoot you"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

What do you call a bunch of Vietnamese people standing in line to buy lunch?

Pho queue.

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

Someone was banging on my door yesterday and yelling "let me in, let me in". I went and had a look through the peep hole, and standing outside was a man dressed as a basin.

Just let that sink in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cows are standing in a field...

One cow turns to the other and says "Daisy, are you worried about catching this 'Mad Cow' disease that's been going around?"

The other cow replies "Don't be so stupid Buttercup! I can't catch it because I'm a helicopter!"

A group of people were standing in a circle..

It was a pointless conversation.

Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm. One of them turns to ask the other, "What kind of music are you into?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve," says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Glaswegian is standing in a bus queue eating a meat pie and chips, and this little yappy dog keeps jumping up at him and begging.

So he says to the lady that's got the dog, "Hey there, is it OK if I throw your dog a bit?"

And when she says "Yes," he picks the dog up by the scruff and yeets the fucker thirty yards up the street.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three drunks are standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"

The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is standing in line at the pearly gates...

When he strikes up a conversation with the man next to him. ''So how did you die,'' he asks him. The man responds ''Oh I froze to death. It wasn't too bad, pretty peaceful. What about you?''

The man says ''well I was a rich man with a huge house and a nice car and I began to think my wife was...

"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager comes out of the office and asks them to disperse.



“But why?” they ask, as they move off.



“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

My daughter identifies as a small group of words standing together as a conceptual unit, typically forming a component of a clause.

Should I be worried or is it just a phrase?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship.

After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “There is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.”

In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws i...

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.

**Officer:** I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident


**Husband:** But she has a great personality.

A man is standing on a busy street corner with a placard over his chest for the local McDonald’s.

On the front, in big bold letters, are the words Free Big Mac. A homeless man stumbles over and asks the man, “What is Mac serving time for?”

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are standing in front of god ...

God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"

Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".

God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".

Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".

Obama: "I believe in democ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are standing on a cliff

Each of them came here for the same thing, to jump off into the abyss. Suddenly a genie appears and tells them that instead of ending their life, they may each choose something to become instead.

They agree and the first man steps up to the edge. He jumps while proclaiming "EAGLE!" transform...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've susp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air...

Two penguins are standing on an iceberg.

One says to the other, “you look like you’re wearing a tuxedo!”

The penguin responds, “how do you know I’m not?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessl...

As a scarecrow, people say I'm out standing in my field...

But hay, it's in my jeans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hookers were standing on a street corner

They started discussing business and one of them said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other one looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

so a guy walks into a pet store and sees a parrot for $50 Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he's so cheap?"

"Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs."

A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?"

The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll tak...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four Officers are standing next to a cliff..

One officer from the Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force.

The Army officer says "we're the toughest, watch this", and tells one of his troops to jump off the cliff. The troop jumps.

The Navy officer says "that's nothing", and tells one of his troops to do a back flip off the cliff. The t...

A flustered man is standing in front of Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks the man, "What happened? You aren't supposed to be here for many years." The man says, "I 'm just as surprised as you." The man thinks for a minute and says "Now I get it! It was the wish." Saint Peter asks the man to explain. The man says, "I found a magic lamp and the genie grant...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”

The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding."

So he chooses to check out hell first. He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and ...

I gave my girlfriend a standing ovation...

and by that I mean the clap.

A herd of cows were standing in a field of marijuana.

The steaks have never been so high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standing next to an Eskimo having a piss I asked, “What are those marks all down your penis”

He said, “They’re from my wife’s teeth chattering".

A man is standing on a cliff and says to his wife “I bet I can make it to the bottom faster than you!”. She agrees to the bet and they both jump off at the same time. Who wins?

Charles Darwin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst part about church is that you’re constantly switching between sitting, standing and kneeling, says a confessant.

why can’t the priest just pick a position and fuck me already!

My boss came into work today and told us he would fire someone later for not standing up straight

I have a hunch it might be me

Two Jewish men are standing in the bathroom and peeing in adjacent urinals

the one to the right finishes doing his business, turns around, and says to his neighbor, “Tell me, did Mohel Rabinovich do your bris [i.e. circumcision]?” “Yes,” the other guy responds, “how did you know?!!!” “Well, Rabinovich is a little cross-eyed and you are peeing on my shoes!”

So a Priest and a Rabbi were standing outside...

So a priest and a Rabbi were standing outside and a little boy walks by and the Priest goes to the Rabbi "Wanna screw him". The Rabbi then replies "Out of what?".

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:

"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?

She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three engineers are standing together as they discuss the possible developer of the human body.

First one says: "It surely was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all these complex joints."
The second one replies: "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is made of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one: "No, must have been an archtitect. Who the fuck else would...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, w...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.”
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath”.

Why are people always hotter when they're standing up?

Sitting down they're only 90 degrees, standing up they're 180.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

Do you know why flamingos always lift one leg while standing?

Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician dies and winds up standing in front of the pearly gates.

St. Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a ...

Two guys are standing in an empty warehouse at night, looking around

One of them turns to the other one and says, “You know, maybe we should start talkIng about Fight Club.”

I made a standing desk for myself at work and it made a huge difference

Now I look up at my computer, while I continue sitting comfortably

I was standing by a fruit and vegetable stand when a Scouser walked up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry honey. I don't drive."

--------------------------------------------------


**reference: A Scouser is someone from Liverpool, England.

TIL. Dont say nice piece to a guy standing next to you at a urinal in texas.

You will get stuck in a gotdamn half hour conversation about how the sw 40 is a far superior round compared to the 9mm.

Standing 2 steps from my wife I took a step towards her and asked, "Did you feel that?"

The force of attraction between us just got four times larger.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.