The 74+ Best Fishing Jokes

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

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3 priests are out fishing on a boat..

One of them says "We should confess our sins to one another."

The first one says "I have a gambling problem, I sneak out at night and gamble away all my money..

The second one says "I have an addiction to porn and can't stop looking at it."

The third one says "I am a gossip and ...

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two guys go fishing every weekend. one weekend one of them doesn't show up.

The next weekend when he shows up they load up the boat go out in the middle of lake and start fishing. One fisherman turns the other one and says "hey buddy what happened to you last week?"

The fisherman shrugs and says "I got married and went on my honeymoon"

The first fisherman look...

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

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A young boy and his grandfather are out fishing one day

When the grandfather pulls a beer out of the esky. The little boy asks, "Grandad, can I have a sip of your beer?" The grandfather replies, "can your dick touch your arse?" The little boy says no. So the Grandfather says "Then you can't have any beer"

A little later the grandfather lights up a...

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they ...

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Fishing with grandad

A boy and his grandpa went out fishing one day. After a while of fishing, the grandpa pulled out a cigarette. Curious, the boy asked, whats that grandpa? Lighting it up and taking a deep drag and exhaling, the grandpa says, boy, this here is a cigarette. Can I have one too grandpa? The boy asked. We...

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

M...

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My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said:

‘You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!’

A Sargent in the army is out fishing with a navy sailor

A big gust of wind hits their small boat, and it capsizes. The Sargent starts to swim to shore, but he notices his friend is sinking and panicking in the water, so swims back, and pulls him to safety.

“Please don’t tell anyone about this.” The sailor says, “If people found out I can’t swim I’...

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Father and little boy go fishing

After an hour fishing, dad cracks open a beer. Little boy looks up at his dad with wonder and asks for a sip. Dad says "Well Son, that depends. Can your dick reach your asshole?"

Little boy says "No."

Dad tells him "Some day it will. That's the day you can have a beer." And...

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Man wants to go fishing

A man says to his wife, “Hey honey, get out of bed. You, the dog, and I are going fishing.”

The wife says “I don’t want to go fishing.”

So the man gives his wife an ultimatum, “You either; come fishing, take it up the ass, or give me a blowjob.”

The wife chooses a blowjob..
...

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Fishing Priest

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish." Accep...

Why did Noah have so much difficulty fishing on the ark?

He only brought two worms.

Police officer: sir, you can’t fish here

Man: I’m not fishing, I’m teaching my pet worms how to swim.

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Two men are fishing one day, when the game warden approaches them and asked to see their fishing licenses.

One man takes off running at a full sprint, and instinctively the warden chases after him.

He chased the man over a hill and through a field, around the lake, and through the town, until finally he catches up with him.

“Aha! Gotcha! Now show me your fishing license!”

“Sure thin...

Two good old boys are out fishing, when a cruise boat with beautiful women appears.

Seeing the beautiful women, all in bikinis, one of them asks, “what should we do?” The others thinks upon it for a bit until he has an idea.

“Hey,” he says, “show them gals your nuts”

“Really?” asks his freind.

“Really” his freind responds.

At which point the buddy g...

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you a...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...

Bob, Nora & Dan are fishing in Northern Wisconsin one summer.

Dan accidentally drops his sunglasses in the water and decides to go in after them. After awhile, he fails to come up and Bob & Nora both remember Dan can't swim. Bob goes in after him and after a bit, gets the body up into the boat.

After starting mouth-to-mouth. Bob says "I don't reca...

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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like y...

A Russian comes home after fishing trip

A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:

"We are at war with NATO!"

"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"

"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand art...

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

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Fishing channel or porn channel?

A married couple are laying in bed, flipping through channels while the decide what to watch. The husband has the remote, and he is constantly flipping through the fishing channel and the porn channel. Eventually, the wife makes the decision.

"Look, you can just leave it on the porn channel,"...

Three guys go fishing...

Three guys go fishing. In the front of the boat is a cooler full of beer.

The first guy stands up and says, "I'm a Muslim and we believe that God does not want us to drink alcohol. We also believe that God is watching us all the time. Since God is watching me right now, I will not drink ...

Two idiots go on a fishing trip

They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this u...

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Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

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Taking grandson fishing...

A grandfather was taking his grandson fishing one day. While driving to the lake the grandfather grabbed a beer out of the cooler and popped the top.
Grandson: "Grandpa, grandpa, can I have a drink of your beer?"
Grandpa: "Well, let me ask you a question first. If you pull your pecker down is ...

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on...

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.

Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- I...

What does an octopus take with it when it goes fishing?

Ten tackles

A Quaint Vermont fishing lodge

An older couple owned a quite fishing lodge with a beautiful lake. They often rented their cabins to fishermen but now and again they had honeymooners stay with them.
A young couple just checked in to their honeymoon suite. And five minutes later the husband was out on the lake in a boat fishing....

Why did the men in the barbershop quartet refuse to go fishing with their tone deaf friend?

He couldn't hold a tuna.

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A priest is fishing at a local watering hole...

A priest is fishing a local watering hole one afternoon and catches an odd looking fish. The guy down the shore explains it’s called a Sonofabitch fish. The priest is not amused but the fisherman swears it is correct. When he gets back to the church rectory the priest gives the fish to the ground...

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A priest goes fishing......

......and he lands a huge bluefish. The captain of the boat looks down from the bridge and says, "Look at the size of that son of a bitch!"

The priest if horrified. "Captain! Your language!"

"Oh......sorry, father. B-b-but that species of fish is actually called a 'son of a bitch.'...

If I go on a discount fishing trip and I lose the worm off the hook of my fishing line...

Am I entitled to a rebait?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi go fishing

After rowing thier small boat to thier favorite spot, the priest says to the rabbi;

"This a great spot. Lots of nice fish"

After about an hour, the priest stands up announces he needs to answer the call of nature, steps out of the boat and walks across the water to shore, disappears f...

Two fishermen from Texas decide to try ice fishing for the first time

They drive up to Wisconsin and stop at the tackle shop by the lake side. One fisherman buys a couple of ice picks and leaves while the other buys some bait. A little while later, the first fisherman comes back and buys 6 more ice picks, which the shop keeper is happy to supply, but is a little curio...

What is the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream!

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A father took his son fishing.

As he was preparing the fishing rods, his son tells him:
- Dad, i want to take a shit.
- Son, we’re in the great outdoors, you can take a shit anywhere!
The son left and came back a while later.
- Where did you shit?
- In the car, there are no mosquitos there.

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know...

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

Two Irishmen were fishing in a lake...

...when one of them caught a strange-looking lamp. After pulling it off his line, a genie appeared and said, "None of this three wishes nonsense. You get one wish between the two of you, so you better make it good."

The man who caught the lamp blurts out, "I wish every lake, ocean, and river ...

A Italian and a Finnish guy go on a fishing trip

After a couple of hours of complete silence the Italian guy asks: “so how is it going?”

The Finnish guy turns around and with complete disbelief in his face he replies: “Are we chatting or are we fishing!?”

Stan and Eddy go fishing

Near Corner Brook.....

They drop the 14' aluminum boat in a nice local lake, fire up the 9.9 and go looking for a good spot.

After several hour of no bites they finally find a shoal and start catching fish.

After a bit Stan says to Eddy" I need to go to the can, we need to go ...

A man and his wife went out fishing for lobster

After several hours, they had not caught anything.

As the weather turned bad, a major wave struck the boat and washed the wife overboard. The man searched and searched for her but could not see his wife anywhere.

So the man immediately turned towards shore and tried to flag down the C...

I'm outfitting my boat for sport fishing.

Ship just got reels.

A man was out on a fishing trip

When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.

He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled.
The man appeared offended...

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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip...

That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes...

The fishing was a bit quiet.

An old timer poured some overproof rum into my bait bucket.

"Get rid of the hook and tie the smallest of those prawns on and cast it out," he said.

Reluctantly, I took his advice. Sure enough, there was an almighty swirl in the water, and I pulled in a huge fish. The prawn was holding ...

After a great birthday fishing and drinking with the guys, I came home to a very angry wife.

Apparently, "Why don't you tie me to the bed and do whatever you want" had some caveats.

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...

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An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "G...

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

Atheist fishing

One day, an atheist man was out fishing in a boat on Loch Ness.

After a few hours sitting in the middle of the lake, the boat shook hard and Nessie suddenly appeared from underneath.

Within a few seconds, the boat was destroyed and the was in the air, above the open jaws of the monster...

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Two guys are fishing

What’s wrong with you? You haven’t talked all day.

It’s my wife, she won’t have sex with me because she has gonorrhea.

What about anal sex?

I can’t, she has diarrhea.

Can she give you head?

No, she has pyorrhea.

Well if she has all these problems so why...

2 newfies go fishing

So they go to the local marina and rent a small boat. After trying several spots they find a good spot and land many nice fish.

The guy in the front says to his buddy:

" This is a great spot, we should mark it"

So his pal pulls a sharpie marker out of his coat and draws a big X...

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I had a friend who was the best ever at putting worms on fishing hooks. We called him

Jack off joe, because he would also jack off all the time

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher were out fishing together

"We should all confess our sins," the priest suggests. "Give it a shot and see how it feels."

The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. "I'm an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night."

"I love watching naked women on the internet," the rabbi confesses. "I just can't s...

fishing by the river

A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a funeral procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."

An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.

The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."

The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who reeled me in, you get to go first."

"Alright," says the Russian, "I wish that all of the foreigne...

Fishing

Three blonds are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them and says, Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing license. said the game warden.But officer, replied the second blond, we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at t...

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them.

The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure hi...

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