Heard this from a Navy officer on shore leave.

A Commodore in the Navy found himself wrongly accused of trading secrets with the enemy, so he bluffed his way onto a docked submarine and ordered it out to sea so he could wait out the inquest in peace.


His superiors caught wind of this and ordered a nearby friendly destroyer to go to hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cat and a rooster sitting on the lake shore...

The cat falls into the lake and the rooster starts laughing hysterically.


Morale of the story:


When there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock also

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

I was so glad I finally made it to shore...

I had been wading forever.

There's this man walking along a beach and find's a lamp washed up on the shore

He picks up the lamp and a genie pops out.

The genie says you have 3 wishes. But whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get double.

So the man thinks and get says "One million Dollars" and just like that a big bag appears with money inside of it. Then the man hears someone cheering ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress un...

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Three sailors are on shore leave...

... and after a night of drinking are pretty wound up.

However before long they get word of a prostitute that gives legendary blow jobs and will also sing.

It doesn’t take long for them to find her and through a slit in the door she tells them,

“Only one man at a time and it mus...

Did you guys hear about the half a mermaid that washed up on shore?

It's only a tale.

3 men were stuck on a deserted island 10kms off shore.

The first informed the others “We’ve been here 3 days now, it’s time I swim back before it’s too late.”

He swam and swam but after 4kms his arms gave up, he couldn’t keep his head above water and drowned.

The second thought they were better than the first and also attempted to swim b...

A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:

Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"

Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"

Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"

Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A seaman on shore leave...

...goes to the nearest brothel and asks for a blowjob.

So a lady of negotiable affection comes and goes to town on him, really working it, slobbering all over it.

But after this goes on for an hour, she finally exclaims:

Is it ever gonna get hard?

To which the seaman repl...

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

Why did the sailor bring diapers on shore leave?

He was worried about being in continent

Was on my way to the club when my wife told me pick up the kid at the shore

Son on the beach

What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved.

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.

A libertarian show...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

A blonde, a burnette and a redhead are stranded on an island 15 miles from shore...

The burnette says "I have always been a very good swimmer, I will swim to shore and send help." She swims out 5 miles then drowns.

The next day the redhead says, "I was on the swim team in highschool, I know I can swim 15 miles, I will go get help." She swims out 10 miles and drowns.

T...

A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama.

Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.

Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"

She smiles and says, "Yale."

He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

What did Michael Sorrentino say when they asked him if he would be ok with wearing adult diapers on some of the new episodes of Jersey Shore?

It depends on The Situation.

There once was a young mechanic named Eric, who got a job on an off-shore oil derrick . . .

He wasn't about to be party to a limerick, so he devoted himself to doing the best job he could to assist with the maintenance of all the machinery. He looked after the power generators, the pumps, the hydraulic systems and even did a little work on the electric systems.

One day, Eric was wo...

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

I saw a lake monster!!! He was walking up out of the water and onto the shore!!!

Littorally!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor is on shore leave for the first time in weeks

...first thing he does is go to the next whorehouse, where he pays the first available hooker to give him a blowjob.
She goes down on him and sucks away for 15 minutes, before she looks up and says: "Man, doesn't your dick ever get hard?" to which the sailor replies:
"It's not supposed to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lots of Orgasms

Sex in a boat = Oargasms

Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms

Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms

Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms

Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms

Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms

Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms <...

What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore?

Row v. Wade

A frog is sitting on a lily pad in the middle of what is clearly a river. He shouts to a toad on the shore, "Hey, look at me, I'm on a lake!" The toad yells back,

"Naw man, you're in de-nile"

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were stranded on a desert island....

The brunette was a very intelligent woman and was able to figure out using her years of mathematical know-how, that it was 20 miles to the nearest shore and she thought she could swim it.

So off she went and made it out 5 miles and got exhausted and drowned.

After a few days the redhea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

What's the Difference between NHL Players and the Jersey Shore Girls?

NHL Players shower after three periods.

The monkey and the lizard

A lizard was walking through the jungle one day when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. The lizard called, "Hey Monkey, what are you doing up there?" to which the monkey replied, "Dude, I'm smoking pot...wanna join me?" The lizard agrees, and he and the monkey spend the next few hours getting stoned ...

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

The fraction guy reminded me of this.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day ...

A German coast guard and an English ship

A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking.

The captain of the English ship shouts to the coast guard, "Mayday mayday, we're sinking!"

The German coast guard then replies, " What are you...

Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino was indicted on tax charges today

The Situation does not look good legally.

An Irishman has been shipwrecked and stranded on an island for over 20 years. [MEDIUM]

One day, on his daily walk of the beach, he sees something way out in the ocean. At first he couldn’t make out what it was, as it got closer, he could see something red.

Finally, it was close enough to determine that the red was actually the hair of a woman. A very pretty dame in her 20s. ...

Three Scotsmen are relaxing in a motorboat out on Loch Ness.

Suddenly, they hear a strange rumbling. They look into the water and see a shadowy object moving quickly below them. Just as one of the men begins to speak, the boat is thrown twenty feet above the waterline and capsizes.

"It's the Loch Ness Monster!" they scream. Panicking, the men frantical...

I was watching Jersey Shore the other day when I thought...

I didn't know I had animal planet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A broke but horny sailor is on shore leave from the navy...

so he finds the nearest brothel, goes up to the counter and says "I've only got $20$, what can I get for that?"

The old woman behind the counter says "Down the corridor, second door on the right.".

So he gives her the money, goes down the corridor and into the second door on the right....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor gets shore leave after 4 months at sea, and goes into a bar

He says to the bartender, "Man, I want to have sex in the worst way!"

The bartender replies, "How about standing up in a hammock, during a rainstorm?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] One day I went waterfowl hunting...

As I sat still in my boat, I quietly scanned the area. I heard a rustling in the bushes along the shore. As I looked over to where I heard the noise, I saw two beautiful Mallards step out of from the cover of the shrubbery. As they were walking they stopped briefly and started pooping. I knew this w...

Why is the ocean always blue?

Because the shore never waves back.

A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...

He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"

The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"

The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

A man had been deserted alone on an island for 10 years...

When suddenly one day he sees a ship in the distance! He lights the signal fire and to his delight sees a life raft rowing his way. When the boat finally reaches the shore the man weeps with joy and hugs the man, the captain of the ship, who came to save him. The captain asks the man “Dear sir, how ...

What do you get when you cross the ocean with sand?

Honestly, I'm not that *shore* myself.

A man is stranded on a desert island.

After weeks alone, he sees a small ship heading his direction. He flags it down and someone jumps off the boat and swims to shore.

When they arrive on the beach he sees it's a beautiful woman wearing a wetsuit. He says to her, "I was worried I'd never make it off this island to enjoy the fine...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

Whats the difference between me and a coastline?

Im not shore

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

To The Jamaican Bobsled Team

After the Winter Olympics, one fellow is so taken with the Jamaican bobsled team that he decides that they deserve an epic scale statue in Jamaica. He travels to Jamaica, and talks with every government official and rich person he can find. All of them chase him off saying that it's a crazy idea, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there's this fly hovering a few inches above this lake...

(This is a long one but it's good trust me)

So there's this fly hovering few inches above this lake...

There's a fish in the lake thinking to himself "if that fly were to drop a few inches I'd be able to eat the fly".

But there's also a bear on the shore thinking to himself "if...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

Terrible what they do these days

We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off.

Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

My wife asked me if I knew how to spot a fake beach

Faux shore

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the ja...

Last time I flew Malaysia Airlines, I didn't shower first.

I figured I could just wash up on the shore.

The story of the tramp and the holiday

The tramp sat in his park, as normal one cold winter day. He saw a young girl playing on the frozen lake. The ice gave and she fell in. Acting quickly, the tramp ran onto the ice and managed to pull her out and get her back to shore.

Waiting for him was a man in a suit. The girl ran over to h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Koala and the Lizard (long)

One day, a tiny lizard was minding his own business while wandering through the forest. As he approaches the tallest tree in the forest a voice yells down, “Heyyy mannnn!!”. Confused, the lizard cranes his neck up and down, side to side until he spots a Koala sitting at the edge of a branch.

...

The milk cow (loooong and NSFW)

There’s this little farm in Ireland- dirt farm, really- but they’ve got the best milk cow in the world.

One day, the farmer comes out and sees his milk cow is dead. He doesn’t know what to do, so he hangs himself in the barn, which is sad.

His wife comes out and sees her husband dead,...

A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. H...

A man and a genie

A man is walking on a sandy beach in Southern California, and what appears to be a very old bottle washes up on the shores.

The genie expressed gratitude for the man freeing him from the bottle.

The genie says "I am in your debt, but I can only grant you one wish."

The man says ...

A blonde walks into a shoe store in Florida ...

And looks at the alligator shoes. “That much!! I’ll just go and get some myself!” she exclaims. “Good luck!” The clerk says.

Later that afternoon he sees the blonde down by the river pointing a gun at a huge alligator, so he stops to watch. She shoots the alligator and kills it, the struggle...

Alliteration

A husband and wife were resting on a beach when they noticed a girl with a travel bag. She would approach people with boom boxes and other electronic devices and speak to them. Occasionally she would hand them something and walk off.

&#x200B;
"She's probably selling drugs," said the wo...

It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ship wreck.

3 sailors we the only ones to survive a ship wreck. They swam to the shore of the closest island, and passed out from exhaustion. When they came to they were in cages surrounded by a tribe of all male cannibals. They took the first one out of his cage and led him to their Chief, who told him ”Your f...

Miracles revisited

So Jesus and Moses are standing on the shore of the red sea one day. They're talking and Jesus says, "Let's see if we can still do the old miracles?"

So Moses steps up the Red Sea and slams his staff on the ground and claps his hands together and starts to slowly spread them, the sea follows ...

An Irishman and an Englishman are shipwrecked together on a desert island.

Waking up on the shore, all they find is a bottle of fresh water from the boat they were on.

"We should save this until we come up with a plan. We each get half, agreed?," said the Englishman.

"Agreed," replied the Irishman.

Night fell and the two men went to sleep. Upon...

A British couple are on a cruise ship. It sinks, and they're the only survivors left, managing to get on a boat

They can spot land not far off. They try as hard as they can to use the oars, but they won't budge.


The wife has an idea, she calls her husband useless and incompetent. The husband retorts and a huge argument begins.


The boat inches slowly towards land. The more they argue and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was walking along the Potomoc River in Washington . . .

. . . and sees someone struggling in the water. He quickly dives in, swims over, and rescues him. When he gets to shore he realizes he saved Donald Trump!

"You saved my life!" Trump exclaims. "Anything you want, whatever it is, just name it."

"Shit, I don't want anything. Just don't te...

Daddy's little swimmer

A class of 8 years old are at the winning pool. All the kids jump in except little Johnny who has Down Syndrom.
Teacher comes to him and asks if he can swim.
"yes I can" he answers
"Are you afraid to go in?"
"No" he answers.
"Go ahead, jump and enjoy then" says the teacher
So littl...

The year is 1900 and it is sunny summer day in Germany

One person, named Hans has a day off. He decides to go to seer to find about something about his future.

He went to the seer. It was old lady that could see peoples' future in her magical globe. She closes herself with Hans in one dark room and starts the ritual.

All of a sudden she g...

It's National Talk Like A Pirate Day; so what did one sailor say to the other when he yelled 'Land Ahoy!'

arrr ye shore

My friend was showing me his new golf ball.

He tells me, "This ball is amazing, you can't lose it. If it goes in the rough, it makes a beeping sound. It glows in the dark so you can find it when its getting dark. If it goes in the water, it will float and make its way back to the shore."

I said to him, "That's incredible, where did ...

Pirates never shower before they walk the plank.

They just wash up on shore afterward.

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The lone nomad and his camel

A lone nomad was trying to pass through the desert on his camel. He had enough water and rations to complete his journey, but the loneliness was tornmenting him.

He rode his camel for three days and three nights without running into another soul. Eventually, the heat of the desert started p...

An Innuit is out fishing in his canoe one day, feeling fairly miserable because he's cold and he hasn't caught anything...

Suddenly, he hits upon the idea of lighting a camping stove in the bottom of the boat so that he can stay warm, and cook his catch at the same time. However, before too long, the canoe hits a large wave, causing the stove to tip over and start a fire in the canoe. Not wishing to get burned, the Innu...

I used to be that area where water meets land...

But now I'm not so shore.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.

The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American, a Frenchman, and A Japanese man are shipwrecked but spot a

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.

The American dude has experience with carpentry, so they decide he will build them s shelter. The French gentleman is a pretty good cook, so they plan on him keeping them well fed. Eventual...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven...

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inf...

What did one ocean say to the other

Nothing they just waved.
Did you sea what I did there?
Are you shore that you get it?
Maybe I didn't shell you the joke.
I think you need to clam down.
Woah, stop being such a beach.
Whale then, that's all the puns I have today.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: A collection of other [spoonerisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) for your reading pleasure. And stop giving me sh... about not fu... cussing...

Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Fly, Fish, Bear, Hunter, Mouse, and a Cat

Once upon a time there was a Fly buzzing over the edge of a river, and beneath the water there was a fish that saw the fly buzzing close to the water. The fish thought to himself "If that fly drops six inches I'll be able to swim up and eat it!"

Now on the shore of the river there was a bear,...

A minister, a priest and a rabbi are at a lake fishing...

when the priest announces he needs to use the bathroom. The other two watch as the priest gets out of the boat and walks on top of the water to the lake shore, does his thing, and does the same to return to the boat. About ten minutes later, the minister announces that he, too, needs to go to the ba...