James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.

The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.

The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

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A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-m...

What's the difference between a witch and a which?

I'm not shore.

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

Did you guys hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?

It's only a tail.

What did the sea say to the shore ?

Nothing it just waved

I ran for cover when I saw a sailboat getting too close to shore

It looked ready for a tack

What did the sailor yell to the woman standing on shore?

Land ho!

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

Why were the pirates happy when they washed up on shore and saw cakes, pies, and ice cream?

It was a desserted island.

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business

After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"

"About 3 knots" she says.

"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.

"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, an...

Biologists [find a whale washed up on the shore]

Biologists [find a whale washed]: it’s a new species, what do we call it?................
Bunch o’ surfer dudes walking by: yo! Killer whale dude.....................
Biologists[looking at each other]:...

Jennifer Aniston tragically drowned in the middle of a lake this morning despite boats lining the shore...

...if only Lisa Kudrow.

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

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A cat and a rooster sitting on the lake shore...

The cat falls into the lake and the rooster starts laughing hysterically.


Morale of the story:


When there is a wet pussy, there's a happy cock also

Heard this from a Navy officer on shore leave.

A Commodore in the Navy found himself wrongly accused of trading secrets with the enemy, so he bluffed his way onto a docked submarine and ordered it out to sea so he could wait out the inquest in peace.


His superiors caught wind of this and ordered a nearby friendly destroyer to go to hi...

There's this man walking along a beach and find's a lamp washed up on the shore

He picks up the lamp and a genie pops out.

The genie says you have 3 wishes. But whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get double.

So the man thinks and get says "One million Dollars" and just like that a big bag appears with money inside of it. Then the man hears someone cheering ...

How do people from the Jersey Shore show their condolences?

They send their thots and players

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

Why did the sailor bring diapers on shore leave?

He was worried about being in continent

I was so glad I finally made it to shore...

I had been wading forever.

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[NSFW] Three sailors are on shore leave...

... and after a night of drinking are pretty wound up.

However before long they get word of a prostitute that gives legendary blow jobs and will also sing.

It doesn’t take long for them to find her and through a slit in the door she tells them,

“Only one man at a time and it mus...

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.

A libertarian show...

3 men were stuck on a deserted island 10kms off shore.

The first informed the others “We’ve been here 3 days now, it’s time I swim back before it’s too late.”

He swam and swam but after 4kms his arms gave up, he couldn’t keep his head above water and drowned.

The second thought they were better than the first and also attempted to swim b...

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:

Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"

Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"

Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"

Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."

There once was a young mechanic named Eric, who got a job on an off-shore oil derrick . . .

He wasn't about to be party to a limerick, so he devoted himself to doing the best job he could to assist with the maintenance of all the machinery. He looked after the power generators, the pumps, the hydraulic systems and even did a little work on the electric systems.

One day, Eric was wo...

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

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A seaman on shore leave...

...goes to the nearest brothel and asks for a blowjob.

So a lady of negotiable affection comes and goes to town on him, really working it, slobbering all over it.

But after this goes on for an hour, she finally exclaims:

Is it ever gonna get hard?

To which the seaman repl...

A businesswoman from Connecticut has a meeting in Alabama.

Her meeting done, she stops at a local bar for a quick drink.

Her bartender, noting her northern accent, says "Yew shore talk purty. Whar did you go to school?"

She smiles and says, "Yale."

He says, "YEW SHORE TALK PURTY. WHAR DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

A blonde, a burnette and a redhead are stranded on an island 15 miles from shore...

The burnette says "I have always been a very good swimmer, I will swim to shore and send help." She swims out 5 miles then drowns.

The next day the redhead says, "I was on the swim team in highschool, I know I can swim 15 miles, I will go get help." She swims out 10 miles and drowns.

T...

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A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

What's the Difference between NHL Players and the Jersey Shore Girls?

NHL Players shower after three periods.

I saw a lake monster!!! He was walking up out of the water and onto the shore!!!

Littorally!!!

What did Michael Sorrentino say when they asked him if he would be ok with wearing adult diapers on some of the new episodes of Jersey Shore?

It depends on The Situation.

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher were out fishing together

"We should all confess our sins," the priest suggests. "Give it a shot and see how it feels."

The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. "I'm an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night."

"I love watching naked women on the internet," the rabbi confesses. "I just can't s...

Was on my way to the club when my wife told me pick up the kid at the shore

Son on the beach

A frog is sitting on a lily pad in the middle of what is clearly a river. He shouts to a toad on the shore, "Hey, look at me, I'm on a lake!" The toad yells back,

"Naw man, you're in de-nile"

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.


The next day he tries again, but the dog i...

What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore?

Row v. Wade

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan

when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried...

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A Man, A Woman, A Hobby!

A man has been alone on a deserted island for ten years. One day a beautiful woman in SCUBA gear swims up on shore.

"Oh, thank God! I've been alone here for so long!"

She unzips the side of her wet suit, revealing a shapely arm, and says, "Then, you've probably not had one of these ....

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

The fraction guy reminded me of this.

Jesus and Moses decide to go fishing

Both sitting in a little boat, in the middle of the most beautiful lake in heaven, they start reminiscing about their days on earth. “Back on earth, I once stood on the shore, raised my arms and the sea opened up so I could walk across”
“You think you can still do that?” Asked Jesus.
Moses tho...

Jersey Shore star Mike Sorrentino was indicted on tax charges today

The Situation does not look good legally.

I was watching Jersey Shore the other day when I thought...

I didn't know I had animal planet.

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A sailor gets shore leave after 4 months at sea, and goes into a bar

He says to the bartender, "Man, I want to have sex in the worst way!"

The bartender replies, "How about standing up in a hammock, during a rainstorm?"

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A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

A lady went into a bar and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out ...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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A Man is on a date with a woman

and they pass by a pond that has swans in it. The woman tells the man that she can speak to animals. The man thinks to himself, wow I can't believe it. He tells her,
"Prove it."
So, she turns to the swan that is resting by the shore of the pond and yells,"Hey swan, fuck you!"

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

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The beach thought he had crabs.

He went to the sexual health clinic to be shore.

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Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and...

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island...

... that’s not far from the mainland, so the redhead decides to try and swim to mainland, she makes it about 1/3 the way there, but gets tired and drowns. So the brunette decides to try and swim to shore, she makes it about 2/3 there, but gets tired and drowns. So then the blonde decides to have a g...

A Priest, A Rabbi, and a Minister

A Priest, A Rabbi, and a Minister are in a boat out in the middle of a lake. The priest says, “I’m thirst, I’m going to go get something to drink.” So he steps out of the boat, walks across the water to shore, grabs a soda, and walks back to the boat and climbs in. The minister says, “I’m getting th...

I once saw a man flip in a boat in the middle of a huge lake.

I think he made it safely back to shore.
Oar not.

A man is stranded on an island

A man is stranded on an island with only a sheep and a dog for company. After a while he begins to feel the need for some physical contact and he starts eyeing up the sheep. However every time he tries to make a move on said sheep, the dog becomes extremely aggressive growling and barking at the man...

An old man was explaining to his grandson about major things that happened in his life.

“Now most people associate salsa as a Mexican condiment”, he said. “But actually we loved mayonnaise”. “Wow!”, said the boy. “Most people don’t know that in 1912 after docking in New York, the titanic’s next stop was the eastern shores of Mexico. And below the deck was 15 tons of mayo. As we all kno...

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A man, a, dog and a pig are stranded on a tropical island after a shipwreck...

The trio learn to survive on this island, finding shelter, food and water. They also become good friends and enjoy their new life on what is becoming a tropical paradise.

A few weeks go by and the group is sitting on the beach one evening shooting the breeze. This particular evening the sunse...

The monkey and the lizard

A lizard was walking through the jungle one day when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. The lizard called, "Hey Monkey, what are you doing up there?" to which the monkey replied, "Dude, I'm smoking pot...wanna join me?" The lizard agrees, and he and the monkey spend the next few hours getting stoned ...

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Leroy walks into a bar...

...sits down, and orders a shot. He drains the glass, swishes it around in his mouth, spits it on the floor, and says, "sumbitch shore can drive!"

The bartender says, "Hey! I run a clean establishment here."

Leroy apologizes and orders another shot. He drains the glass, swishes it ar...

A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day ...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were stranded on a desert island....

The brunette was a very intelligent woman and was able to figure out using her years of mathematical know-how, that it was 20 miles to the nearest shore and she thought she could swim it.

So off she went and made it out 5 miles and got exhausted and drowned.

After a few days the redhea...

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A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

A man attempts to swim across the Atlantic Ocean

A man tried to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. He left New York and headed for England. He battled rough seas, strong currents, and freezing cold water. After 6 months, he was within one mile of England when realized he was just too exhausted to make it to shore. So he swam back.

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The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

The lifeguard and the drowning man

The lifeguard was doing his routine checks throughout a beach that prevented people from swimming in the evening, when suddenly, he sees a man attempting to swim in the water.

"Hey!" The lifeguard thunders, "Stop swimming and come to shore now!"

"I'm not swimming!" The man gasps, "I'm ...

It’s difficult to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. H...

A German coast guard and an English ship

A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking.

The captain of the English ship shouts to the coast guard, "Mayday mayday, we're sinking!"

The German coast guard then replies, " What are you...

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

The Tale Of The Faithful Man And The Rescue Boat

Once there was a boat sailing not too far from the shore of a town, when it capsized.

A rescue boat was sent out imediatly, but there was only room on board for half of the survivors. The coastguards descided to fill the boat up and then come back after for the remaining passengers, so they g...

An Irishman has been shipwrecked and stranded on an island for over 20 years. [MEDIUM]

One day, on his daily walk of the beach, he sees something way out in the ocean. At first he couldn’t make out what it was, as it got closer, he could see something red.

Finally, it was close enough to determine that the red was actually the hair of a woman. A very pretty dame in her 20s. ...

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

A blonde, a Brunette and a Red Head were stranded on an island....

The island was 50 miles from the mainland and the girls all thought they might be able to swim back, so they all jumped into the ocean.
After about 10 miles, the Brunette said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And she drowned.

After about 25 miles, the Red Head said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And...

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Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

Why is the ocean always blue?

Because the shore never waves back.

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A salmon is watching a fly hover 6 inches above the pond and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, I'm going to eat it."

A bear is on the shore and is watching the salmon. The bear thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, and I will eat the salmon."

A hunter is watching the bear and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, the bear will eat the salmon, and I will...

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