The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay...

Sounds great if you don't know what both of those things are.

As the first fleet rounded the headlands and sailed into Botany bay the local Aborigines could see several men looking towards them through big fancy telescopes. One of the Aborigines comments "stupid white man,

can't even play the didgeridoo".

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier...

I couldn't help but wonder, what his handicap was.

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The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

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With all the recent name controversies, Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be renamed the Tampa Bay Tampons.

They are not the best team, but they are up there.

I love E-bay....

I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

Why do they call seagulls seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!

What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan?

Anorexic

Why doesn’t a seagull fly over the bay?

Because then it’d be a bagel.

A tourist wandering through the back alleys of San Francisco’s Chinatown finds his way into an antique store

A bronze statue of a rat catches his eye, and he asks for its price.


“The rat costs twelve dollars,” the shopkeeper says, “and it will be a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”


The tourist, being a shrewd American, pays for the rat, telling the old man he can keep hi...

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A man gets married...

...but just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, thi...

A guy takes his car in to the mechanic after it mysteriously stops working

The mechanic opens up the hood, to find a small fruit bat hanging upside-down in the engine bay. The bat looks up at the mechanic and says "you look nice today mate!", Immediately the mechanic straightens up and says to the car owner "well, that's your problem right there!

Bat flattery"

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

My broken heart

Think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me. I was seeing this amazing woman up until last year. Now I absolutely adored this girl, and would do anything for her. But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist. Not to brag, but I co...

Why was 10 sent to Guantanamo Bay?

They found out he was at the middle of 9-11.

Bay A: "Requesting weather report from secondary base"

Bay B: "It's cold outside"

whats the difference between green bay and chicago

in chicago moosehead is a type of beer and in green bay it’s a felony.

Why don’t seagulls fly over bays?

Because then they would be bagels!

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Cause they’re not baygulls

Why did the seal cross the bay?

To get to the otter side!

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

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A pirate can name a bay "Booty Bay" and nobody bats an eye...

But when I name an alley "Anal Alley", suddenly I'm a creep.

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In my day, we never had Pirate Bay and Limewire

We had to walk two miles to the record store and shoplift that shit.

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The Pilot

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today
and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the inte...

A man gets shipwrecked at sea

After what felt like days floating on wreckage he washes up on an unknown shore.

He starts to wander around the beautiful land, the air smelled sweeter than any air he’d ever breathed, everything looked clearer than real life. His hunger suddenly hits him and he wished for a big sandwich and...

A farmer is expecting his 3 daughters dates to arrive, so he hears a knock on a door, decides to grab his shotgun for intimidation, and opens it.

The first date arrives and says,
“Hello there! My name is Lance, and I’m here to take Chance out to the dance.”

So, the farmer calls his daughter, Chance, and they go off together. The another knock is heard, so he answers it again, shotgun in hand.

“Hey there, it’s me, Dave, and I’...

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

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Coming Home Early

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed....

Why did M. Night Shyamalan get sent to Guantanamo Bay?

Because he's a Middle Eastern guy who has made a lot of bombs.

What's the most expensive thing at Guantanamo Bay?

The water bill.

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Miss. Piggy needs to go to the supermarket and so she borrows her boyfriend's car...

She gets to the supermarket but it's a Saturday, so it's quite busy. Having trouble finding a spot, she opts to park in the *Family/Disabled Parking* bays close to the store.

She only needs a few things, so she thinks that she will be quick enough that no-one will notice.

When she ret...

I downloaded a swearing dictionary from the Pirate Bay and

Received a torrent of abuse.

What is Michael Bay's favorite phone?

Note 7

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes...

What has 100 teeth and keeps Godzilla at bay?

My zipper

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

What do you call a body of water made up of politicians?

Bay of Pigs.

Also works with “What do you call a body of water made up of cops?”

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Green Bay Packers have in common?

They both love Clinton-Dix.

What do Michael Bay and a priest offer a young boy?

Hollywood and Holy wood respectively.

There was a bay guard

He had this job for many years, but he retired at 45. He decided that he would try to make juice and sell it for extra cash.


He bought everything needed, and began. However, he could never make any juice. He learned a valuable lesson that day:

Bay guards can't be juicers.

The Green Bay Packers' Defense

That's it. That's the joke. LET'S GO FALCONS!

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if the lived by the bay, they would be bagels.



My very quiet intern brought this in when I asked her to find a joke a day to share. She couldn't finish telling it without cracking up.

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A Soda Called Sup

Back in the 80's, the Coca-Cola company sold Sup, a combination of Sprite, 7 Up, and a secret ingredient that was never revealed. It was a beloved beverage that was unfortunately discontinued within a couple months and without any intention of going back on store shelves. People started buying Sup l...

What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay?

I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.

What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable?

Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair sells for.

What happen when paprika cheat on oregano?

Bay leaves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man swims far out into the bay...

...Suddenly he feels a hand from the deep grabbing his balls, and a voice in his head says, "plus two or minus two?"


"Plus two!" - answers the man, not quite sure what is this about. The hand releases his balls and he swims back to the shore. Everything seems to be OK, but when the adrena...

Do you know what they feed you at Guantanamo Bay?

Well after being there for 30 years, neither do I!

eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

An elderly man hears a knock at the door and goes to answer.

When he opens the door he sees that it is the local sheriff and says "How may I help you?" The sheriff asks if he is Marvin Johnson married to Louise Johnson. He says that he is and the sheriff says to him "Well I've got some bad news, some good news and some really good news. Which would you lik...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is using the Pirate Bay like hiring a prostitute?

Only nerds brag about doing it

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

How do terrorist surfers spend free time at Guantanamo Bay?

WATERBOARDING!!!

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods late at night. A pack of wolves bay in the distance.

The little boy says "I'm scared". The clown says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone."

Man I’ve really had it with Ebay

I’ve had it with eBay! Every time I order chicken pellets they email me asking for their feed back!

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

One day, a guy went into a store,

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.


The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. ...

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A Piano Bar Needs a Piano Player NSFW

A man is walking down a busy street in St. Pete and see a chalk board sign out front of a pub that reads “Piano Player Wanted”.

The man walks into the bar and it’s empty other than the bar owner setting up chairs in front of the stage with a piano on it. The owner says “sorry sir we don’t o...

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