UPJOKE
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

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Be careful of fake eBay sites.

Warning to all men about about a fake eBay site.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $95 + postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, ...

Got home today from work to find all my kids have been on eBay all day..

If they are still there tomorrow, I'm lowering the starting price...

Why Won't Aaron Rodgers Leave Green Bay?

Because he doesn't want to Take a Shot on another team.

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An RCMP officer stopped at Sandy Bay First Nations and talked to an elderly Indigenous gentleman standing on the road.

He told the old man, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."

"Okay," the elder said reluctantly, "but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed to the location. The officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government...

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds amazing

if you don't know what either are.

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," then...

what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ...

... for the 23rd time.

eBay is useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,749 matches.

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?

A bagel

As the first fleet rounded the headlands and sailed into Botany bay the local Aborigines could see several men looking towards them through big fancy telescopes. One of the Aborigines comments "stupid white man,

can't even play the didgeridoo".

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels

Did you know there are tents surviving that Genghis Khan used to sleep in? I just scored one on eBay!

Thought you would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

I put all my copies of Chiropractors Weekly on eBay

I have loads of back issues.

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

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An 18 year old supermodel is selling her virginity on eBay

For the low price of $80,000 you can have the worst sex of your life

I tried to sell my savings account on eBay

But I didn't get much interest.

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With all the recent name controversies, Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be renamed the Tampa Bay Tampons.

They are not the best team, but they are up there.

What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan?

Anorexic

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We cleared out my grandma's house this morning

We sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, and then went to the estate agents to put her house on the market.

She's gonna be pretty pissed off when she gets back from bingo.

My son was on eBay this morning.

Child services were not impressed with me.

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

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I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on eBay...

Haven't had any bids so far but there are 12 people watching!

Why was 10 sent to Guantanamo Bay?

They found out he was at the middle of 9-11.

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I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier...

I couldn't help but wonder, what his handicap was.

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

I’ve decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal!

I just put my vacuum cleaner on eBay

Well, it was just collecting dust.

How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner?

Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll suck again.

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

About me

My broken heart.

I think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist.
I'm not going to brag, but I could play the harp brilliantly.

I worked in an orchestra and after a concert I met this amazing woman.
Now I absolut...

Found a used tv on eBay

It looked decent only thing was that the volume was stuck on full. Was only a fiver, couldn’t turn it down

Bay A: "Requesting weather report from secondary base"

Bay B: "It's cold outside"

whats the difference between green bay and chicago

in chicago moosehead is a type of beer and in green bay it’s a felony.

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

Why did the seal cross the bay?

To get to the otter side!

I hear someone joke about selling their kid on eBay and I was appalled.

You made that child! They are a product of your creation!
.
.
.
It should be on Etsy instead.

I got scammed on eBay today

I ordered a pound of cure. Box they sent me only contained an ounce of prevention.

If a Birdie is one less than par, and an Eagle is two less than par, and an Albatross is three less than par…

…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can’t a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?

TL;DR-
A Bagel isn’t a Bagel unless there’s a Hole-in-One.

The dictionary I ordered on eBay had only blank pages

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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I ordered a male enhancement off eBay.

They sent me a magnifying glass.

What has 100 teeth and keeps Godzilla at bay?

My zipper

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In my day, we never had Pirate Bay and Limewire

We had to walk two miles to the record store and shoplift that shit.

What is Michael Bay's favorite phone?

Note 7

A man bought a balloon a long time ago and is selling it on eBay. What does he do first?

He adjusts the price for inflation!

I bought a book on eBay called "How to Scam on eBay".

It still hasn't arrived.

Just bought a Volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay.....

Swede car online

Mom#1- That’s it. I’m done. I’m selling the kid on eBay

Mom#2- Don’t be crazy. You made him. That goes on Etsy

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

Today I got lost in eBay

It felt like the Amazon in there

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

What's the most expensive thing at Guantanamo Bay?

The water bill.

I always save my eBay shopping for after I come back from 4/20

That way I'm always the highest bidder

Whatever you do, don't buy anything from eBay seller xx_Anna_xx

My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.

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I spent £96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

It was the grater of two evils.

I bought a boomerang on eBay

It didn’t work. Then I realised I bought it on no return

My grandfather has a French rifle from WW2 for sale on eBay

The description reads "never fired. Dropped once "

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

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A pirate can name a bay "Booty Bay" and nobody bats an eye...

But when I name an alley "Anal Alley", suddenly I'm a creep.

Why did M. Night Shyamalan get sent to Guantanamo Bay?

Because he's a Middle Eastern guy who has made a lot of bombs.

I downloaded a swearing dictionary from the Pirate Bay and

Received a torrent of abuse.

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Green Bay Packers have in common?

They both love Clinton-Dix.

I’m going to tell you a joke about eBay

You will get it the next year or so...

Just sold the missus on eBay.

Well actually I sold a big box. The rest is a surprise.

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The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

I tried to put up a photo of myself on eBay...

But there were too many sale fees

The Green Bay Packers' Defense

That's it. That's the joke. LET'S GO FALCONS!

Archangel Starbase, Status Report

Archangel Starbase is operational.

Courier/cargo wing, Gabriel Bay, operating at 90% of capacity.

Medical/Search & Rescue wing, Raphael Bay, ready at three minutes’ notice 24/7.

Military wing, Michael Bay, keeps exploding.

How did the Chesapeake crab refer to his ex-wife?

His Old Bay

What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common?

Immigrants

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I sent an Adele album to a guy who bought it on eBay, anyway his payment cancelled and I'm out of pocket ....

Should I just give up or should I keep on chasing payments

What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay?

I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.

What happens when a seagull goes to the bay?

It becomes a bay-gull!

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Saw a tv for sale on eBay for £5. Only problem was the volume button was broken.....

How can I turn that down?

Why was Paschal Clarke banned from eBay?

Because he made the pa(y)pal cross.

I created this joke ten years ago and have. And now have only found a big enough platform to air it.

Thank you.

Where do pigs surf in Hawaii?

Bay-kona

Do you know what they feed you at Guantanamo Bay?

Well after being there for 30 years, neither do I!

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I wish prostitutes would learn a lesson from eBay

...and do away with insertion fees.

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A man swims far out into the bay...

...Suddenly he feels a hand from the deep grabbing his balls, and a voice in his head says, "plus two or minus two?"


"Plus two!" - answers the man, not quite sure what is this about. The hand releases his balls and he swims back to the shore. Everything seems to be OK, but when the adrena...

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