UPJOKE
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Beware of a new E-bay scam

I ordered my wife some expensive jewelry and they sent me motorcycle parts

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds fun

if you don’t know what either of those are

eBay is so useless.

I was just looking for a lighter, and all they had was 1327 matches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning to all men about buying on eBay.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to

check out the seller carefully.

I just spent £95 + postage,

on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions were, "Do not use in direct sunlight."

How much does corn cost in Tampa Bay?

A Buccaneer

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bagels!

Got home today from work to find all my kids have been on eBay all day..

If they are still there tomorrow, I'm lowering the starting price...

Why Won't Aaron Rodgers Leave Green Bay?

Because he doesn't want to Take a Shot on another team.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels

[my little girl’s favourite-ever joke]

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ...

... for the 23rd time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," then...

what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An RCMP officer stopped at Sandy Bay First Nations and talked to an elderly Indigenous gentleman standing on the road.

He told the old man, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."

"Okay," the elder said reluctantly, "but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed to the location. The officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government...

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

I tried to win an autographed picture of the Mystery Gang on eBay.

And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling bids.

Did you know there are tents surviving that Genghis Khan used to sleep in? I just scored one on eBay!

Thought you would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

My son was on eBay this morning.

Child services were not impressed with me.

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan?

Anorexic

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Last Will and Testament

A man lay dying in his hospital bed.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.


He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.


When all is ready, he begins to speak.


"To my son Bernie, I wan...

Percy Penguin

One day Percy Penguin was driving into town when suddenly his car started making a funny noise and started smoking, fortunately there was a garage nearby so he quickly pulled in. He went in and told the mechanic what had happened, the mechanic said he would finish what he was doing in about ten minu...

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

I put all my copies of Chiropractors Weekly on eBay

I have loads of back issues.

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

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With all the recent name controversies, Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be renamed the Tampa Bay Tampons.

They are not the best team, but they are up there.

As the first fleet rounded the headlands and sailed into Botany bay the local Aborigines could see several men looking towards them through big fancy telescopes. One of the Aborigines comments "stupid white man,

can't even play the didgeridoo".

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier...

I couldn't help but wonder, what his handicap was.

Bay A: "Requesting weather report from secondary base"

Bay B: "It's cold outside"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old supermodel is selling her virginity on eBay

For the low price of $80,000 you can have the worst sex of your life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

I’ve decided to sell all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay

Imagine all the PayPal!

Why was 10 sent to Guantanamo Bay?

They found out he was at the middle of 9-11.

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

I tried to sell my savings account on eBay

But I didn't get much interest.

I just put my vacuum cleaner on eBay

Well, it was just collecting dust.

whats the difference between green bay and chicago

in chicago moosehead is a type of beer and in green bay it’s a felony.

Why did the seal cross the bay?

To get to the otter side!

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

Found a used tv on eBay

It looked decent only thing was that the volume was stuck on full. Was only a fiver, couldn’t turn it down

I hear someone joke about selling their kid on eBay and I was appalled.

You made that child! They are a product of your creation!
.
.
.
It should be on Etsy instead.

Bought loads of herbs last month still haven't paid for them.

Hope they don't send the bay leafs round.

The dictionary I ordered on eBay had only blank pages

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I got scammed on eBay today

I ordered a pound of cure. Box they sent me only contained an ounce of prevention.

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

What has 100 teeth and keeps Godzilla at bay?

My zipper

What is Michael Bay's favorite phone?

Note 7

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've put all my dogging gear up for sale on eBay.

Nobody's bought it yet but there's 14 watching.

I bought a book on eBay called "How to Scam on eBay".

It still hasn't arrived.

Mom#1- That’s it. I’m done. I’m selling the kid on eBay

Mom#2- Don’t be crazy. You made him. That goes on Etsy

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

Just bought a Volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay.....

Swede car online

A man bought a balloon a long time ago and is selling it on eBay. What does he do first?

He adjusts the price for inflation!

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

What's the most expensive thing at Guantanamo Bay?

The water bill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ordered a male enhancement off eBay.

They sent me a magnifying glass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In my day, we never had Pirate Bay and Limewire

We had to walk two miles to the record store and shoplift that shit.

I always save my eBay shopping for after I come back from 4/20

That way I'm always the highest bidder

Today I got lost in eBay

It felt like the Amazon in there

Whatever you do, don't buy anything from eBay seller xx_Anna_xx

My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.

My grandfather has a French rifle from WW2 for sale on eBay

The description reads "never fired. Dropped once "

How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner?

Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll suck again.

Why did M. Night Shyamalan get sent to Guantanamo Bay?

Because he's a Middle Eastern guy who has made a lot of bombs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spent £96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

It was the grater of two evils.

I bought a boomerang on eBay

It didn’t work. Then I realised I bought it on no return

I’m going to tell you a joke about eBay

You will get it the next year or so...

eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it

For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate can name a bay "Booty Bay" and nobody bats an eye...

But when I name an alley "Anal Alley", suddenly I'm a creep.

Just sold the missus on eBay.

Well actually I sold a big box. The rest is a surprise.

I downloaded a swearing dictionary from the Pirate Bay and

Received a torrent of abuse.

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Green Bay Packers have in common?

They both love Clinton-Dix.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We cleared out my grandma's house this morning

We sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, and then went to the estate agents to put her house on the market.

She's gonna be pretty pissed off when she gets back from bingo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve decided to sell all of my dogging equipment on eBay.

I’ve not had any bids yet but 6 people are watching.

I tried to put up a photo of myself on eBay...

But there were too many sale fees

The Green Bay Packers' Defense

That's it. That's the joke. LET'S GO FALCONS!

What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay?

I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.

What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common?

Immigrants

funny questions & answer

1.Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Ans - Because he felt crummy.



2 Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Ans - Because her mom and dad were in a jam.



3.What did the little corn say to the mama corn?

Ans - Where is pop corn?



4. How...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sent an Adele album to a guy who bought it on eBay, anyway his payment cancelled and I'm out of pocket ....

Should I just give up or should I keep on chasing payments

What happens when a seagull goes to the bay?

It becomes a bay-gull!

If a Birdie is one less than par, and an Eagle is two less than par, and an Albatross is three less than par…

…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can’t a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?

TL;DR-
A Bagel isn’t a Bagel unless there’s a Hole-in-One.

Do you know what they feed you at Guantanamo Bay?

Well after being there for 30 years, neither do I!

If the Vatican ordered some things from eBay,

Would they use the papal PayPal?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a tv for sale on eBay for £5. Only problem was the volume button was broken.....

How can I turn that down?

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