Did you know that people who talk to themselves are scientifically likely to be more intelligent?

Oh, sorry. I wasn't talking to you

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.

It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

I went to a clinic that can scientifically rate your beauty on a scale of 1 - 10 by taking a urine sample.

I never actually had to pee in the cup though because when they handed it to me, they told me “You’re an eight.”

Why was Al Gore scientifically a great dancer?

Because of his Al Gore Rythyms.

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Did you know there's a food that's scientifically proven to kill a woman's sex drive?

Wedding Cake.

It's scientifically proven that birthdays are good for your health.

The more of them you have, the longer you live.

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

Question: Scientifically speaking, how do you make a hormone?

Answer: don't pay her.

I recently learned that anecdotal evidence is not scientifically valid

A few friends told me how badly it went for them.

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day.

I'm sorry.

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[long] A man walks into a bar on the 30th floor....

A second man already sits at the bar drinking alone and looking a little lonely so the he goes to sit by him and orders a drink. The second man looks over at him, smiles, and says:
"You know, this bar is in just the right place that if you jump out that open window you'll pop right back up into i...

My girlfriend has a fire crotch.

Or as it's scientifically known, "Chlamydia".

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There were 3 scientists and elephant and a monkey...

The scientists thought it would be scientifically valuable to put a cork up an elephants backside so it couldn't shit, feed it for three months then pull the cork out and measure the results.

They thought this would be dangerous so trained a monkey to pull the cork when a red light went.
...

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