The 77+ Best Horror Jokes

What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?

Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.

Horror night is...

when your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

What’s Gollum‘s favourite horror movie?

The Ring

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting “let me through, let me through!”.
I finally managed to get to the front of the crow...

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

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3 guys were at a sleep over

They just watched a horror movie so decide to sleep on the same bed.
In the morning when they wake up.
The guy on the left says "I had great dream where he was being wanked of by a hot blond"
The guy on right says "Oh shit, I had a dream where I was being wanked of but by a brunette"
T...

so I played a horror game...

The game was free, therapy was not

\-Doki Doki 2020

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A Halloween tale of horror

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. With Halloween coming up they start talking about things that scared them when they were kids. "When I was a kid, my brother told me that earwigs actually lived in your ears and crawled inside to eat your brains. And I believed him," he tells the barten...

2 word horror story

Prehensile dong

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

What do you get, when you cross an Eldritch Horror, with an E-Girl?

CthUwU.

I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

The great horrors of war..

A nun is walking through the church courtyard when a soldier comes running up to her.

The soldier says, "Sister, quickly! May I please hide under your skirt? My lieutenant is looking for me and I know he is going to send me to Syria!"

The nun replies, "Why of course, it's an emergency!...

Anyone know that one horror game?

I think it’s called “amnesia” but I can’t remember

Who was asked to direct a gothic horror about a tree falling down?

Tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmbbbbbbbbbuuuuuurrrrrrrton.

I was watching a horror movie and was screaming at the main character to not go through the door

My wife asks me from the kitchen what movie am I watching.

She wasn't thrilled when I told her it's our wedding tape.

If you ever feel lonely...

just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

I was watching a horror movie about the Apocalypse.

It took me 5 minutes to realise I was on the news channel.

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I like to watch horror, movies when I’m in the bathroom

It scares the shit out of me

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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What is a porn star’s favorite horror movie?

Night Of The Giving Head

My friend asked if I wanted to go out for a horror movie.

I said I'd prefer the movie.

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

Five word horror story

Unexpected item in bagging area

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I once read a laxative horror story...

It scared the shit out of me.

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

What do you call a place to buy bootleg horror movies?

A Spookeasy

I love horror movies.

I’d know a good one if I Saw 1

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Horror Movie

A man pours himself a drink and sits down to watch TV.

After 3 or 4 cocktails, he starts yelling at the TV " Don't go in that Church. Don't you do it you Stupid Son of a Bitch!"

His wife comes into the living room and asks "What kind of Horror Movie are you watching?"

"Our Weddi...

What horror villain is best at saving money?

Pennywise

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The speaker at a horror conference asks the audience...

"Do you like ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Have you ever seen a ghost?"

"Yes," half the room says.

"Have you ever talked to a ghost?"

"Yes," a few people say.

"Have you ever shagged a ghost...

What do horror movies and printer ink have in common?

The black one always dies first.

Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game?

Cuz you know something's about to go down.

Im sorry

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There's a new horror movie out about the evil offspring of adult movie stars.

It's call Children of the Porn.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my pr...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

horror story in 4 words

good morning, president trump.

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

What horror movie would Shakespeare find hilarious?

The Thing

I saw a commercial for a new horror movie featuring a clown...

...And said to myself "that's IT?"

My friend swears he loves horror movies involving clowns

I'm not certain, but I think he means It.

I heard a horror story involving a camera and window blinds.

I shutter at the thought of it.

What would you call a horror movie set in a post-gasoline world?

The Silence of The Lambos

The most terrifying horror story... ever

Nester absolutely loves horror stories. From ghost and apparitions, to science-fiction, he enjoys reading all of them. One day while he visits a newly-opened bookstore, he got a glimpse on a rather unusual-looking book. A thin, hard-covered novel with no title.

As he examined the book, the o...

How do you call website, where you can watch online horror movies?

Screaming service

Worlds shortest horror story

The last man on earth sat alone in a room...... there was a knock on the door...

Today I watched a horror film.

An OSHA instruction video.

Difference between Romantic and Horror Movie

After watching a romantic one, you look for your teddy to hug.
After watching a horror one, your teddy starts looking at you

Charlotte Bronte wrote a horror novel

Jane Scare.

Emily wrote one about aircraft turbulence:

Wuthering Flights.

(I do apologise for this)

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

Wanna know what is scarier than a horror game

said horror game’s fanbase.

Horrors of poverty

I've been around, you know. I've seen some of the poorest slums where children are starving and disease is rampant. Let me tell you, you've not seen anything, *anything* like it, until you've seen it in high-definition plasma!

I won't say my life's a horror movie...

But I do get ghosted a lot.

Two day ago, my wife watched a romance movie.

That night, we had a romantic dinner.

Yesterday, she watched an erotic movie, and last night was fantastic.

Today, I'm deleting all the horror movie channels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Leo the Lion is enjoying his flight from Africa to LA. He opens up his meal, a freshly killed gazelle. The other passengers stare in abject horror as he tears into the carcass. The flight attendant discreetly comes over and says...

"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stow your tray table and carrion."

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Tried out a horror themed Grindr app the other night...

It gave me the willies.

Ever notice how horror movies are the only ones you try to ruin?

No one ever consoles their girlfriend during an action movie and says "relax, this will never happen. It isn't real."

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

Why do cows never walk out of horror movies?

They're able to stomach a lot.

I like watching horror films behind the sofa.

That way my neighbours don’t know I’m there.

I watched a horror movie about pogo sticks.

Too many jump scares.

A horror movie in a deaf school would work quite well...

...because no one would hear you scream.

Horror movies are like a box of chocolates

The dark ones always go first

Horror film director George A Romero has died…

Give him a few minutes...

What's an Alzheimer patient's favorite horror movie?

The Blair...Which project?
[Made my roomie laugh at least]

Have you seen the horror movie about a bunch of campers that get killed?

It’s in tents.

In another context, "Doom" could have been one of the scariest horror games of all time.

All you have to do is play one of the demons.

Tell a horror story with just one word and one number

Trump 2024

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