A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

I began reading a horror novel in braille. I think something bad is about to happen...

I can feel it.

I'm writing a horror movie script about a sentient pen and it's going really well so far

It's practically writing itself

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

I won't say my life's a horror movie...

But I do get ghosted a lot.

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

The most terrifying horror story... ever

Nester absolutely loves horror stories. From ghost and apparitions, to science-fiction, he enjoys reading all of them. One day while he visits a newly-opened bookstore, he got a glimpse on a rather unusual-looking book. A thin, hard-covered novel with no title.

As he examined the book, the o...

I like horror movies because of the musics

They all have killer soundtracks

A horror movie in a deaf school would work quite well...

...because no one would hear you scream.

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I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

What is a cow's favorite horror movie?

How It's Made: Hamburgers

I love horror movies.

I’d know a good one if I Saw 1

Today I watched a horror film.

An OSHA instruction video.

A doctor tell his patient you got one month to live and slaps a bill of $3000. To his patient's horror, he says i dont have time to pay.

Then the doctor says alright you have two months 2 live

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A horror with jump scares is a cheap trick...

...but a whore with jump scares is an expensive trick.

I recently watched a North Korean horror movie

It turned out to be a documentary.

What horror movie would Shakespeare find hilarious?

The Thing

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

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I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through." A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?" I said, "No, that's my fucking Pizza."

The local radio station was asking listeners to call on with their favorite Stars in Horror Movie

I was the first caller and said "Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman"! Apparently enunciation is EVERYTHING.

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Horror Movie

A man pours himself a drink and sits down to watch TV.

After 3 or 4 cocktails, he starts yelling at the TV " Don't go in that Church. Don't you do it you Stupid Son of a Bitch!"

His wife comes into the living room and asks "What kind of Horror Movie are you watching?"

"Our Weddi...

If genres were flavors SCI-FI would be sour, Fantasy would be sweet, Horror would be bitter, Mystery would be umami...

And Erotica would be salty.

Horror movies are like a box of chocolates

The dark ones always go first

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I watch all my horror movies on the toilet.

They scare the shit out of me.

Charlotte Bronte wrote a horror novel

Jane Scare.

Emily wrote one about aircraft turbulence:

Wuthering Flights.


(I do apologise for this)

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a busy highway...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a highway when he hears an odd noise coming from the engine. He pulls over to the narrow emergency lane, and as he opens the door, a negligent semi smashes the car door off.

When the state police showed up to the scene, he's furiously complaining about...

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They asked Stephen King to write a horror story about a gorilla...

He told his publishers that he wanted to write it under his *nom de plume* "Richard Bachman." The problem, he said, was that he'd already written "The Monkey" under his own name. He didn't want people to think this new story was a sequel, or derivative in some way. Legally, since he'd sold the ri...

What do horror movies and printer ink have in common?

The black one always dies first.

One sentence horror story:

"Seems like we're the last two people left on Earth, m'lady"

What did renowned Little Shop of Horrors fan, Queen Elizabeth, say to Patrick Stewart at his knighting ceremony?

Kneel, Patrick Stewart.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
' Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband's home early!'
' I can't jump out the window, it's raining out there!'

' If my husband c...

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

What's red and caused horror among Game of Thrones fans?

Ed Sheeran.

Difference between Romantic and Horror Movie

After watching a romantic one, you look for your teddy to hug.
After watching a horror one, your teddy starts looking at you

If you're feeling lonely, dim the lights and watch a good horror movie.

By the end of it, you won't feel like you're alone anymore.

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game?

Cuz you know something's about to go down.




Im sorry

Horror movies are always much tamer when I watch them on my iPhone

I have it set to Do Not Disturb

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

Not sure what to watch tonight....

American Horror Story on FX or the one on ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, CNN, CNBC and MSNBC.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL All the horrors in the world came in Pandora's box

What a slut!

horror story in 4 words

good morning, president trump.

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

I like watching horror films behind the sofa.

That way my neighbours don’t know I’m there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

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NSFW while in china an American is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the states, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
<...

What do you call someone who only watches Horror Anime?

A Ouijaboo.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

I watched a horror movie about pogo sticks.

Too many jump scares.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys die and go to Heaven...

When they go to approach the pearly gates suddenly Satan pops out and tells them, "Sorry Heaven is full! If you want to get in you gotta give me a question I can't answer correctly and I will let you in!"
The first guy steps forward. "I was a philosopher in my life and I can garuntee you don't k...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was invited to a theater to watch a pornographic horror movie...

But I was too scared to come.

Why do cows never walk out of horror movies?

They're able to stomach a lot.

What's an Alzheimer patient's favorite horror movie?

The Blair...Which project?
[Made my roomie laugh at least]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a Boots

And notices that the cashier was a cheerleader at her old high school. So to impress her, she decides to buy a pack of extra-large condoms, so that the cashier'll think her boyfriend has a huge dick.


She puts her items through, and the cashier scans them without a word. Disappointed at th...

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my pr...

My friend had to step in as the lead of Little Shop of Horrors at the last second.

He was Suddenly Seymour.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.

To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

What is a geeks favorite horror novel?

Information Technology by Stephen King

A Monk's breakfast

So it's the first day in the monastery for a young monk. He's getting his bearings, being led around by an older monk. He is shown the library, the meditation room, and his quarters.

The young monk looks out the window across the street and asks, "Who lives in those two buildings?"

"T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship.

After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “There is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.”

In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws i...

Worlds shortest horror story

The last man on earth sat alone in a room...... there was a knock on the door...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three army officers decide to camp near their base for a night...

There hiking up a hill when a massive storm rolls in, they need shelter, luckily for them they find a small, super run down, old, musty, cabin.

They enter the cabin, and it’s a disaster...

Everything is overturned, animals had clearly screwed the place.

But the storm was inten...

Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies in the OB waiting room.

The first woman takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."

The second takes out a pill and says, "I want my baby to have heal...

I was eating a bag of Goldfish the other day

With horror, the Petco worker asked me to leave the store.

A guy goes to visit his friend who lives on the 100th floor

At the reception, the friend welcomes him with a grim news "The elevator is not working so we have to take the stairs."

The guy afraid says "But that's a long climb.."

"Don't worry" His friend replies "We can tell each other horror stories while we climb up. That way we can be entertai...

What streaming site do eldritch horrors use?

Cth-Hulu

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear the horror story about the teens having sex on a camping trip?

It was fucking in tents!

Adolf Hitler got bored and decided to go out on the streets to find out what people thought of him.

He put on some disguise, shaved his mustache and went for a walk in downtown Berlin. He found a middle aged man reading a newspaper outside a cafe and asked him what he thought about Hitler. The man, with horror on his face, panicked, grabbed his hand and lead him down to an empty street. He looked ...

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.


He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed ...

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A man walks into the bar.

He sees a mod of r/Jokes crying over the counter.

"Hey buddy, what's wrong with you?" the Man asks.

Mod: "My life is pathetic. I've been a mod for the past 4 months and I was told I'd get a paycheck of $70000 every month. Those fuckers haven't paid me anything yet. I'm totally broke no...

I threw my mouse at the wall in anger

Everyone at the vet looked on in horror

My son was dating a girl, Stephanie, that I wasn't really fond of...

The last time he brought her over to the house, I said with a smile 'Hi there Amber!' She had a look of horror. 'Sorry, I can't keep all these girls' names straight' I said with a grin. I haven't seen her since!

Horrors of poverty

I've been around, you know. I've seen some of the poorest slums where children are starving and disease is rampant. Let me tell you, you've not seen anything, *anything* like it, until you've seen it in high-definition plasma!

Businessman

There was a businessman who was sure that his wife was cheating on him, so he put her under surveillance. One day at work, he got a call that told him to rush home quickly and he would be able to catch her in the act. So he rushed home to his 20th floor hi-rise apartment and burst into the room. His...

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Bunga Bunga

Three men were exploring a large uncharted island. While hiking through the thick forest they were ambushed at spear-point by a tribe of large aboriginal men. The tribesmen tied their hands behind their backs and marched them through the forest to a small village, busy with working men, and gorgeous...