I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

I saw a commercial for a new horror movie featuring a clown...

...And said to myself "that's IT?"

I read another horror story in braille.

Some of the words were worn off and I could tell something bad was going to happen, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

Five word horror story

Unexpected item in bagging area

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

I remember when two Thai girls flirted with me, they asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right...

We had six matching balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried out a horror themed Grindr app the other night...

It gave me the willies.

Why did 4 not watch horror movies?

It's was 2 squared!

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

Tell a horror story with just one word and one number

Trump 2024

I'm writing a horror movie script about a sentient pen and it's going really well so far

It's practically writing itself

What is a cow's favorite horror movie?

How It's Made: Hamburgers

I won't say my life's a horror movie...

But I do get ghosted a lot.

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

I love horror movies.

I’d know a good one if I Saw 1

The most terrifying horror story... ever

Nester absolutely loves horror stories. From ghost and apparitions, to science-fiction, he enjoys reading all of them. One day while he visits a newly-opened bookstore, he got a glimpse on a rather unusual-looking book. A thin, hard-covered novel with no title.

As he examined the book, the o...

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I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

I like horror movies because of the musics

They all have killer soundtracks

Ever notice how horror movies are the only ones you try to ruin?

No one ever consoles their girlfriend during an action movie and says "relax, this will never happen. It isn't real."

A horror movie in a deaf school would work quite well...

...because no one would hear you scream.

The local radio station was asking listeners to call on with their favorite Stars in Horror Movie

I was the first caller and said "Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman"! Apparently enunciation is EVERYTHING.

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

Today I watched a horror film.

An OSHA instruction video.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

A doctor tell his patient you got one month to live and slaps a bill of $3000. To his patient's horror, he says i dont have time to pay.

Then the doctor says alright you have two months 2 live

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through." A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?" I said, "No, that's my fucking Pizza."

I recently watched a North Korean horror movie

It turned out to be a documentary.

What horror movie would Shakespeare find hilarious?

The Thing

If genres were flavors SCI-FI would be sour, Fantasy would be sweet, Horror would be bitter, Mystery would be umami...

And Erotica would be salty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horror Movie

A man pours himself a drink and sits down to watch TV.

After 3 or 4 cocktails, he starts yelling at the TV " Don't go in that Church. Don't you do it you Stupid Son of a Bitch!"

His wife comes into the living room and asks "What kind of Horror Movie are you watching?"

"Our Weddi...

Charlotte Bronte wrote a horror novel

Jane Scare.

Emily wrote one about aircraft turbulence:

Wuthering Flights.


(I do apologise for this)

Horror movies don't scare me.

5 missed calls from mom scares me.

Horror movies are like a box of chocolates

The dark ones always go first

If you're feeling lonely tonight, don't worry. Just watch a horror movie.

You won't be feeling lonely for long...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers.

Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

"If you could all please direct your attention to the pool, we shall begin tonight's true entertainment!"

A truck backs into ...

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

What's red and caused horror among Game of Thrones fans?

Ed Sheeran.

What do horror movies and printer ink have in common?

The black one always dies first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They asked Stephen King to write a horror story about a gorilla...

He told his publishers that he wanted to write it under his *nom de plume* "Richard Bachman." The problem, he said, was that he'd already written "The Monkey" under his own name. He didn't want people to think this new story was a sequel, or derivative in some way. Legally, since he'd sold the ri...

One sentence horror story:

"Seems like we're the last two people left on Earth, m'lady"

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying...

Difference between Romantic and Horror Movie

After watching a romantic one, you look for your teddy to hug.
After watching a horror one, your teddy starts looking at you

Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game?

Cuz you know something's about to go down.




Im sorry

A lawyer bought a brand new Porsche

He parked it in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

Furious, the lawyer grabbed his phone and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp

Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge. But today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross.

“Something for this I have,” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular, dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He ta...

Not sure what to watch tonight....

American Horror Story on FX or the one on ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, CNN, CNBC and MSNBC.

If you're feeling lonely, dim the lights and watch a good horror movie.

By the end of it, you won't feel like you're alone anymore.

Horror movies are always much tamer when I watch them on my iPhone

I have it set to Do Not Disturb

I like watching horror films behind the sofa.

That way my neighbours don’t know I’m there.

I watched a horror movie about pogo sticks.

Too many jump scares.

What do you call someone who only watches Horror Anime?

A Ouijaboo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

horror story in 4 words

good morning, president trump.

What is a surfer guy's favorite horror movie?

Saw duude!

My friend had to step in as the lead of Little Shop of Horrors at the last second.

He was Suddenly Seymour.

The Darkest Joke I Know

A boy is blind from the day he is born, Never knowing his mothers face never knowing colors and never knowing anything except what he can feel, smell, hear, or touch.

One night the boy is in his bedroom when his mother comes in and sits down on the bed beside him, she says "Sweetie I have som...

Why do cows never walk out of horror movies?

They're able to stomach a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was invited to a theater to watch a pornographic horror movie...

But I was too scared to come.

What's an Alzheimer patient's favorite horror movie?

The Blair...Which project?
[Made my roomie laugh at least]

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the horror story about the teens having sex on a camping trip?

It was fucking in tents!

Worlds shortest horror story

The last man on earth sat alone in a room...... there was a knock on the door...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a busy highway...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a highway when he hears an odd noise coming from the engine. He pulls over to the narrow emergency lane, and as he opens the door, a negligent semi smashes the car door off.

When the state police showed up to the scene, he's furiously complaining about...

What streaming site do eldritch horrors use?

Cth-Hulu

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

A man was at the Grand canyon

As he sat watching, ten puns came walking up. They all started talking excitedly and strapping on wings. He asked them what they were doing and they said they were going to fly down the canyon. One by one they all jumped off and began to glide down. Suddenly a gust of wind struck and they dropped ou...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

Horrors of poverty

I've been around, you know. I've seen some of the poorest slums where children are starving and disease is rampant. Let me tell you, you've not seen anything, *anything* like it, until you've seen it in high-definition plasma!

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