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Disturbing Jokes

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

A bus full of disturbingly ugly people crashes...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

God and Canadians

When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "you are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "you are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "well, there is only one way to fix this."

So God created Ca...

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."


[EDIT]: My top post ever is about sadism! Damn I love Red...

Why is it called white noise?

Because if it wasn’t white, it’d be called disturbing the peace

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I had a disturbing dream last night in which I was shagging my best mate up the arse.

I think it's my subconscious telling me he's gay.

My neighbor complained my dog's barking is disturbing him.

I told him that I am also bothered by his bedroom bed squeaking when he's not at home.

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What's short and would be disturbing at breakfast?

Hitler

Something disturbing came in the mail today.

It was the mailman.

I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad

>!I was tossing all night!<

I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

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True story, and a disturbing one. Just want to make people aware of this.

Went to this liquor store after the gym today and the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted a free case of Guinness beer.

I said hell ya.

He said let me touch your dick for a little bit.

Fucking perverts are everywhere. You guys believe that shit.

Worst part was, t...

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I found a couple of disturbing pornographic drawings that my children did, so I threw them in the fire.

But I kept the drawings for future reference.

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

Today, something disturbing is announced on the news.

"Flat Earthers claim to have members all around the globe."

Disturbing Pattern of Suicides

When some scientists plotted the number of suicides per year, they discovered a curious pattern. Every four years, there would be a spike in the number.

This baffled them, until the old janitor said: "Perhaps it was not a good idea to call them leap years."

My friend keeps talking about eating vegetables and I’m beginning to find it kind of disturbing.

I mean, I know they haven’t really got a functioning brain, but they’re still human.

The Disturbing Reason Why the Chicken Crossed the Road Will Change Your Life Forever...

...It was good for traffic.

A Russian man shouting

A Russian man is walking around on the Red Square and shouting "Brezhnev is an idiot! Brezhnev is an idiot!"


He gets arrested. The sentence comes: 25 years. 1 for disturbing the peace and 24 for unauthorized release of classified information.

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

I was mourning one of my friend in cemetery

and when leaving, I noticed a guy kneeling to a tombstone beside, he was extremely sorrowful, I’ve never seen a guy could cry like that.

I took a glance at him, but he didn’t noticed, he just kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”

So, I walked to him, and said, “Sorr...

Heavy Petting Zoo

Wife comes home to hearing disturbing squealing noises from the upstairs bedroom. She hesitates for a minute as her mind jumps to the very worst horrific possibility of her already shattered excuse of a marriage; then proceeds to venture up the stairs closer and closer to the sloppy wet splashing an...

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Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

Who are the fastest readers in the world? [Can be disturbing]

The New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 10 seconds.

Funny Joke about Vegetables

I was 19 years old and eating veggies for dinner. For some reason I decided to play with my food and got arrested for disturbing the peas.

Has anyone watched “The Platform” on netflix....?

I couldn’t finish it to be honest, it was disturbing on so many levels.

Wife or Girlfriend

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my ...

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Strangers were sitting next to each other on airplane, getting ready to take off. While getting situated the woman sneezes, but as she does she also begins to

shudder immediately following the sneeze. The man sitting next to her extends a kind "bless you." She says thanks and they continue waiting until she sneezes again, and again she shudders and moans a little, saying "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." This throws the man for a loop, saying "sneezin...

What first tipped Darth Vader off about the Millennium Falcon?

He found their lack of freight disturbing

^^May ^^the ^^Fourth ^^be ^^with ^^you!

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Dave : "My heart sank a bit as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive."

Friend : "ohhh hmmmm, and did you see anything disturbing?

Dave : "Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak."

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A Man is in to See His Doctor...

The doctor comes to him and says "Well Tim, I'm afraid to say but you are going to have to stop masturbating."

"Why Doc? Am I going to go blind?"

"No, you are disturbing the other patients in the waiting room...."

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