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Scariest Jokes

Why are white prison gangs the scariest?

Because they had a fair trial and still ended up in prison

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

Whats the scariest animal in Canada?

A Cari-BOO

What's the scariest plant in the jungle?

It's bamBOO!

What's the scariest part about climate change?

The atmosfear.

What's the scariest type of algebra?

BOO-lean

"Do not touch"

Must be the scariest thing to read in Braille.

What is the scariest kind of oil?

A Gargoyle!

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

Grandpa's Scariest day

A man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his grandchildren, when one of them asks him about the time he was most scared in his life.

"Well Timmy, it'll have to be back in 1943 when I was on Safari in Africa"

"What happenned Gramps?"

"Well, I was with my best friend John on...

Scariest thing ever

The scariest thing in the world is waking up with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was so scared I almost swerved off the road!

The scariest book of all time!! [LONG]

There once lived an author named Mr. Troller. He was infamous as the writer of the scariest book ever. Only three people ever bought his book and after reading his book , all the three guys passed away . The reason nobody bought his book was because it was damn expensive ($150,000) and nobody wanted...

What is the scariest dinosaur for the illiterate?

A Thesaurus

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

What's the scariest kind of dinosaur?

A terrordactyl!

The scariest sign in the world...

"Circumcisions 40% off"

The scariest haunted house this year

Is going to be the one where they don’t wear masks...

Who's the scariest dancer ever?

The Boogie Man

This Halloween was the scariest one on record.

All the kids went as ghosts. And all houses were abandoned.

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

What would be the scariest coronavirus costume?

One without a mask

What's the scariest costume you will see on Halloween 2020?

A trick-or-treater *without a mask!*

What are the scariest three words in the English language?

"Four more years!"

Trump isn't the scariest president.

That Rushmore guy had four heads...

what is the scariest letter in the alphabet?

"v" because it comes after u...

What's the scariest letter to Pirates?

A mutant 'e'

The scariest thought of a pessimist

Optimists think that we live in the best of all worlds.

That's just what pessimists are so afraid of to be true.

For Halloween, I've decided to go as the scariest thing I could think of

Hillary J. Trump

The scariest punchline to a long-running joke:

"Welcome to the Oval Office, President Trump!"

As a guy, I had the scariest dream tonight

I was peeing.

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Scariest Halloween Costume

My buddy just dropped this one on me before our Halloween party...

I'm going to dress up as a period for the Halloween Party and I'll show up late, because there isn't anything scarier then that shit

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

What's the scariest sentence in the English language?

We're going to let the people of Alabama make the call.

Q: What is the scariest Halloween decoration theme for 2018?







A: Saudi Arabian consulate

What is the scariest part of a cavity search?

When they put both their hands on your shoulders but keep searching

In another context, "Doom" could have been one of the scariest horror games of all time.

All you have to do is play one of the demons.

There was once a thug who was in the scariest gang...

His original name was Con Dria, but soon he went by a different name in his gang. They called him Mighto, and he was the thug that did most of the crimes. From dealing drugs to robbing to Kidnapping. He did whatever was necessary to help out his gang.

However, after he accidentally ran over ...

This year for Halloween, I’m dressing up as the scariest thing I can imagine

Myself, but more successful

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave up drinking, smoking, drugs and sex all at the same time

It was the scariest 3 minutes of my life!

What is the scariest way to get through the woods?

The psycho path

What's the scariest thing as a modern day doctor?

Flying united.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By far the scariest moment of my entire life is when I accidentially swallowed some Lego.

I was shitting bricks.

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

I think the scariest Halloween decorations I've seen this year have to be

All the little blue signs that say Trump-Pence on them

The first time I tried parachuting...

The scariest thing happened on my first parachuting lesson. The first time you jump, you get harnessed to the Instructor.

As I plummeted through the air, waiting for the instructor to open the parachute, he turned to me and asked

"So, how long have you been an Instructor for?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .

It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud v...

3 guys checked into the hotel

Their room was on the 45th floor and administrator 1warned them, that elevator works just till 12pm. They left all bags at the room and went to the restaurant. When they arrived, the elevator was no longer working and they had to walk by foot. so it won't be so boring, they desided to tell some joke...

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What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

I went to a haunted house last night

The scariest part was making small talk with the staff

A guy goes to visit his friend who lives on the 100th floor

At the reception, the friend welcomes him with a grim news "The elevator is not working so we have to take the stairs."

The guy afraid says "But that's a long climb.."

"Don't worry" His friend replies "We can tell each other horror stories while we climb up. That way we can be entertai...

WW3 due to Ukraine

The scariest thing about this World War Three starting is that we are on the Germans' side.

They've never won a World War yet.

Out of all the things that go bump in the night...

your parent's bed is definitely the scariest

A wolf, a lion and a little pig are having a discussion

The wolf proudly says : I am the scariest animal of the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.

The lion smirks and says : do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle ánd the most scary. When I roar, all the ...

A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.

Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a long, proud family history of military service....

...returns home after his basic training. His father, a Master Sergeant, who is very keen to maintain the family tradition of excellence asks how he went.
"It was okay Dad, Sir. Hard work, but scary..."
"Scary?! This family has a long tradition of military service, we don't get scared. What wa...

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