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A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor.

So the teacher gives them a hint and say it's what your parents call each other. A little girl shouts and says “ OMG their assholes.

Two old guys talking.

Guy 1: As I get older all I need is, Spec-savers, Boots, and Greggs..


Guy 2: Yep, life is all Specs, and Drugs and Sausage rolls!!!

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

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I took a Life Saver from a girl's back pocket at work.

I got fired for her ass mint.

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I saved 100 orphans from a burning building. Do they call me "The Orphan Saver?" No. I butchered 20 men with my bare hands in WWI, but so they call me "The Butcher?" No.

But you fuck one goat....

My mate Dave drowned...

For his funeral, we got a wreath in the shape of a life saver.

It's what he would've wanted.

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"See that wall?" said the bitter Scotsman at the pub...

I built that wall, all the way from here to Glenmore, but do they call me "Angus the wall-builder? Nooo!"

"And see the church spire? Built that too. Do they call me "Angus the steeple-builder"? Noo!"

"And that terrible night when the orphanage burned down,I saved all the wee bairns fro...

BILL GATES IN HELL

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.


St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".


First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Pet...

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A flea is sitting on a bench in Florida...

and he looks miserable. He has the sniffles, he's sneezing and has the chills. He has a blanket wrapped around him for warmth.
Just then a friend of his walks by and notices him sitting there all sick and dejected. The friend sits next to him.
"Liam! What's wrong? You look absolutely awful."<...

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Porn

I watch so much porn, my screen saver is windex.

What do you call a cheap TV?

A screen saver.

I walked into the wrong opticians to collect my new glasses.

Should've gone to SpecSavers.

What's in a name?

A woman sits down next to another mother on a park bench as their kids played together on a playground in Keswick, and they got to talking.
The woman was astonished that the other Mom had eleven children, all named Jayden.

“Why did you call all your kids Jayden?" she asked her new friend.<...

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