Pavlov was sitting in a bar and enjoying his beer during his spare time.

At that moment, bar phone rang loudly and Pavlov started worrying. Barman got curious and asked: "Sir, what's the problem?"
Pavlov stood up and shouted:"God damn it. I forgot to feed the dogs."

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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Can you spare just $2.00?

Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he rides 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - it's fucking hilarious!

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Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!

So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)

First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to k...

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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Three pilots were stranded on an island with inhabited by an untouched tribe.

The chief of the tribe told them that he would spare their lives if they manage to accomplish two tasks he will give them. Should they fail, they will be executed immediately. The first task was to bring him 5 of the same fruit from the forest, the second task would be told after they succeed.
...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

A man and his wife are having troubles in the bed room.

He can't get the engine started and when he does she doesn't want to drive it home. One day the call and schedule a meeting with a specialist. They spare no expense and get the best guy money can buy. On the day of their appointment the husband and wife each get pulled into meetings right before the...

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

Once there was a young boy, around 8 years old, who lived in a village at the bottom of a hill. On top of the hill was a temple where monks lived.

One day, he heard a strange sound coming from the top of the hill. Curious, he walks up the hill and knocks on the giant doors at the front of the temple. The head monk answers the door and asks what he can do for the kid. However, when the kid asks what the sound was, he simply replies, “I can’t te...

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

Do you know that John Hammond killed all of the previous vice-president’s former wives?

He spared no ex-Pence

How poor are you?

I’m so poor, I have to refinance before I can spare a penny for your thoughts.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with...

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

I'm currently moving house. Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?

My ex won't let me live with her.

Every Christmas day we have pigs in blankets.

Or as some people might call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room.

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A Doctor, a Lawyer, and an Engineer ... and the Taliban.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were waiting to be guillotined by the Taliban.

They tested it by chopping off the head of a goat. They dragged over the doctor. "Do you have anything to say?" "Why kill me? I'm a doctor. I can treat your sick and injured." "Off with his head!" shouted the m...

My chiropractor says I have the spine of a 60 year old

I still have my own spine too, but it's good to have a spare

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4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

A mugger holds a Christian girl walking down a lonely alley at knifepoint.

Mugger: "Gimme all you've got and I'll spare your life!"

Christian: "Please don't hurt me! You can take my wallet, my phone, my jewellery, just leave me my bible!"

*mugger takes phone, wallet, and jewellery, leaving her the Bible. runs away to avoid witnesses*

Christian: "What a...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess.

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

Got my second shot today

Even after bleeding in captivity for hours, articulately begging the enemy soldiers to spare me.

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

What do you call a Korean high school girl who fights crime in spare time?

Kimchi Possible, obviously

I know a well-off foot fetishist, who took up a gig at a potato chip factory in his spare time.

When I asked him why, he says he heard "something about Free Toe Lays being one of the perks".

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at Manchester...

The cook promised a chicken that he will spare its life if it can guess their location.

In a state of panic, the chicken asked "What's going to happen to my family?!" The cook looked down with disappointment smeared on his face. "Help! Help!" the chicken clucked for his final minutes have arrived. "I need your guess now," said the cook as the deep frier began to sizzle. "A volcano, the...

In my spare time I like to pretend I’m a giant

I fee fi for fun

A wise old pirate captain has captured a group of merchant sailors, but he tells them that he will spare their lives if they can answer a question: What is a pirate's favorite letter?

The first sailor, with a smug look on his face, haughtily walks up to the captain and says "Obviously it's RRRRRRR!". The captain slowly shakes his head and says "RRRRRR you kidding me?" before throwing the sailor overboard to the sharks. The second sailor, a little wary now but still feeling confid...

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3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

In my spare time I'm helping blind children.

This is a lot of fun, especially since I got my new 3W blue laser pointer.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

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What does a horny mathematician with a lisp do on his spare time?

Math debate.

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A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

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I'm 17 and I like to write jokes in my spare time. Thought reddit might like to hear some.

I think blonde jokes are awful. I mean, the poor things don't even understand them.

So I got this pair of shoes that cost me an arm and a leg. Luckily, my mom still pays for everything.

Statistics have shown that 9 out of 11 people are offended by this joke.

I've yet to be dispr...

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner....

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husban...

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Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes.

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO FUCKED MY WIFE?". The entire bar falls silent until a guy in the back yells "You didn't brin..." just to be cut off by the angry guy who yells back "THIS HAS BEEN REPOSTED SO MAN...

What does the bowling ball who was taken hostage say?

Please spare me

I spend my spare time reading the Thesaurus...

because the mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

What do ISIS members like to play in their spare time?

Bomberman

What does the Jewish alchemist do in his spare time?

Hebrew

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

I yelled at my coworker yesterday because he couldn't spare me any change.

Some people have no common cents.

In his spare time my dad races pigeons

I don’t know why, he never beats them.

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My uncle always used to say, “Spare the rod, spoil the child!”

And then he’d fuck me in the ass.

What do gods talk about in their spare time?

Nothing much. Just idol chatter

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

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During the Japanese Occupation, a Malay, a Chinese and an Indian are captured by the Japanese army

The soldiers who capture them bring them to a forest, where they are told to pick 10 of the same fruits and to bring it back to them.

The Malay returns first, with ten rambutans. When he returns, an officer says: "I will stuff these ten rambutans into your anus; make a sound and I will kill y...

The bull

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.


First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."


Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
...

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Do you have a small 2$ to spare?

Do you have a small 2$ to spare? Tariq is a 10 year old Pakistani from Pakistan who lives in a tiny village and has to walk 7 miles everyday to bring water for his family. Tariq only has one arm and can barely walk because his legs are uneven, so he has to do the long commute on a bike. Unfortunatel...

Why did the eagle spare the mouse's life?

He couldn't be buzzard to hunt it.

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A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

My brain is like an F-22 Raptor

Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available.

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

I've been practising escapology in my spare time.

I need to get out more

I tried cooking Chinese spare ribs in the oven instead of the pan.

I'll tell you it was a walk in the park compared to the pork in the wok.

Paddy and Mick are driving an I.E.D toward Downing Street...

Mick takes a left onto a cobbled road. The car shudders and shakes violently.

Paddy: "Mick!! Slow down ya crazy man, you're gonna set the bomb off!!!"

Mick: "Oh calm down Paddy, I've got a spare one in the back!"

Why did the golfer take a spare pair of trousers with him?

Incase he got a hole in one!

What does Batman do with all his spare money?

He makes it wayne

What do animal poachers do in their spare time?

They go clubbing.

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Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

I was trying to find some spare RAM sticks in our stock room but I couldn't see any...

Because it was SO-DIMM.

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A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

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A lesson in etiquette

Three sophisticated southern women sit together at a country club, Eliza, Josephine, and Isabelle.

Eliza says to the other two, "You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary. A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings."

"How wonderful!...

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

I asked a Jewish person what they do in their spare time

Apparently Hebrews.

4 blondes were hiking in a forest.

4 blondes were hiking in a forest when they were caught by the forest tribe.

All of them were brought before the chief. The chief looked at them and said “All of you will be sacrificed to appease our goddess who will then bless us with rain.”

The 4 blondes started crying loudly and ple...

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A man faced with death will have his life spared if he can explain the song being visually represented by a flock of naked women.

The man is led to an empty concert hall where 8 naked women are being led in.

They were placed so that the first one was facing him, the second
with her back to him, the third facing him, the fourth with her back to him, the fifth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him....

TIL: The guy who invented the toothbrush plays the banjo in his spare time.

Anyone else would have called it a teethbrush.

The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time...

...he's our key logger.

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My wife's sister is drop dead gorgeous. I was at her apartment last week, she said she want to have sex with me.

I turned around and walked out the door only to see my wife. She kissed my and hugged me and said she loved me.

Thank goodness I keep my spare condoms in the car.

What is the difference between a dead hooker and spare tire?

I only have one spare tire in my trunk!

Myrtle and the Beetle

Myrtle is driving her Volkswagon Beetle down the road and sees another little old lady, also with a Beetle, pulled over with the hazards on. Myrtle pulls over and asks, "Is everything ok?"

The other lady replies, "My darn Beetle has broken down. I popped the bonnet and it looks like the whole...

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Two men are shipwrecked on an island... (long)

They decide to explore the island to look for food as they are quite hungry. After a while of searching they find a cabin hidden in the middle of the woods and there's smoke coming from the chimney.

The first man tells the second he'll go knock and check it out and that the other should stay ...

My friend likes to make carvings of people of religion in his spare time.

You'd like a punchline to this, wooden jew.

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

Another joke for my cake day.

The sand crab and the horse shoe crab are the best of friends. They do everything together.

Then one day the horse shoe crab dies. He goes up to heaven and Saint Peter meets him at the gates. Saint Peter asks him if he has any questions and he says no. So Saint Peter gives him a harp, a...

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

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A kid was born without eye lids, so they used the spare skin from his circumcision to form some. Everything turned out fine, except...

the doctor said he was a little cockeyed.

Morris was going through an old drawer, and he discovered a ticket for the cobbler shop, dated about 40 years ago.

He remembered having brought in his spare loafers to get new heels, so many years ago, and somehow he had forgotten all about them.

"I wonder if old Gelbstein still has his shop? It's been so long since I was even in that part of the city."

So Morris goes down there, and to his amazem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When do spare parts from Japanese cars start falling out of the sky?

When it's raining Datsun cogs.

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A man is sitting alone in a bar

A man is sitting alone in a bar staring at a drink. In walks a surly, tatted up biker. He sees the man sitting alone, walk over, picks up the man’s drink and downs it in one go. He then looks at the man and says, “What are ya gonna do about it, huh?”

The man suddenly starts to break down cry...

If the main character of "The Walking Dead " spared every human, would he be called...

... Pacifist Rick ?

I asked my wife to grab 6 asparagus stalks from the garden. She came back with 7.

The last one was just a spare, I guess.

A man opens the bonnet

of his VW Beetle. His jaw drops - "Oh my god, someone stole my engine!"

Then he goes round the back and opens the trunk. "Phew, thankfully I have a spare."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once met a detective who would copy drawings of penises in his spare time.

I think his name was Dick Tracey

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here ...

Jimmy gets off work and heads to his local brothel.

When he arrives he says to the clerk, I can only spare a few dollars what can this get me? So the clerk reaches all the way to the top hook and hands him a key and says down the hall, last door on the left.

When Jimmy gets in the room its pretty dark but he manages to make his way over to th...

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