Refrain Jokes - 41 Hilarious Refrain Jokes

The CDC said to refrain from hand shakes.

Jeffrey Dahmer immediately bummed as he turns off the blender

Please refrain from calling an expanded gut on a man “Dad Bod”…

It is more accurately defined as a Father Figure.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

In light of recent political tensions, please refrain from wishing Putin falls into a vat of concrete.

That would set a very dangerous president.

TV: “The CDC says to refrain from handshakes.”

Jeffrey Dahmer *stops blender*: “Awww man!”

PSA: This year, lets refrain from the 'I haven't taken a shower since last year!' jokes.

Please and thank you.

The pastor told the Congregation: "Spiritually, we're comatose. We all need to wake up." The worshippers' refrain went, "We're waking up, reverend, we're waking up."

"Then we need to start standing up." "We shall stand, reverend, we shall stand." "After that, we need to start walking." "We shall walk, reverend, we shall walk." "After that, we need to start running." "We shall run, reverend, we shall run." "And to run," the pastor thundered, "we shall need money....

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Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender gives him a strange look, but serves him his drinks. The Irishman takes them to a booth, clinks them together, and drinks them all.

He then goes back to the bartender and orders another three beers, which he proceeds to drink in the same fashion.

On his third round, the ...

Two little old ladies were enjoying the concert by the community orchestra in the high school gymnasium.

One asked the other if she knew the name of the piece they were playing. Her friend answered "That sign over there says it's the Refrain From Spitting."

Naked man on a golf course

A foresome of ladies came across a man naked, asleep in the bushes on their course. His hat was sheild in his face. “Not my husband!” says the first lady. The second and third repeat this “not my husband” refrain. The final lady approaches the man. She “hmms” and “haws” … then says “Not my hus...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

It’s No Nut November’s Muslim cousin time

Refrain Rub Ramadan

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The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from usi...

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

When it becomes available, please refrain from purchasing it.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender asks how he’d like to pay. “You know that I’m running a tab. Sometimes it feels so long, written on the inner edges of my spirit, an itemized list of each moral failing, each successive regression.” The bartender snickers, “You mean your bill?” The duck refrains from weeping.

What do you call a crazy song chorus about Chinese food?

An Insane lo main refrain

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Good Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class being taught at the local high school for senior boys, the young, attractive, first-year teacher asked, "If you were courting a well-educated girl from a prominent family and during dinner, you needed to use the bathroom, how would you properly excuse yourse...

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A man walks into a bank

and walks up to a pretty, young clerk.

"I want to open a fucking bank account," he says.

The clerk looks up, mildly shocked, sure she's misheard. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," says the man. "I want to open a fucking bank account."

The clerk puts down her pen. "Sir, I'm go...

The Monk and The Cow

A humble monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, and the river flows with the breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. Softly, the mo...

Apple’s Hiring Practices

Apple realized they needed new programmers, so they began putting out word that they were seeking experienced workers. Unfortunately, due to the incompatibility between Microsoft and Apple products, they decided is was best to refrain from hiring former Microsoft employees. Their solution to weed th...

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A serial killer was on trial....

The prosecution began its case.

"We allege the accused rendered the victim unconscious and then using his saw .."

At which point a guy at the back shouts out "you rotten bastard"

The judge calls for order and asks the spectators to refrain from shouting out.

The prosecuti...

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The Pilot and the Flight Attendant.

A Delta Airlines flight from LAX to JFK was in the cruise when the aircraft hit some heavy chop. The captain comes on the PA system to give the regular announcement for passengers to "please fasten their seatbelts and refrain from using the restrooms at this time", in the confusion of the situation ...

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A guy walks into a bank office and says...

"I WANT TO OPEN A FUCKIN BANK ACCOUNT!"

The accounts manager is taken aback and says, "Excuse me, sir! We do not allow that kind of language in here!"

He says, "WHAT'S THE GODDAMN ISSUE, BITCH?! I JUST WANT TO OPEN A FUCKIN BANK ACCOUNT!"

"Sir!" She says and stands up from her d...

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Double Homicide

A double-homicide defendant is in court.

The Judge says to him "You've been charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "YOU BASTARD!"

The Judge then adds "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death wi...

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A boy and a Catholic priest go on a fishing trip

The priest catches a large fish.

Boy: *"Look at that bastard!"*
Preacher: *"Watch your language!"*
Boy: *"Sorry father, it's called a Bastard fish".*
Preacher: *Chuckles and says "that's OK then".*

The preacher takes the fish back to the church and hands it to the Bish...

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

Reposts versus retellings. (Not a joke)

I just wanted to make a quick PSA about jokes.

Jokes are meant to be retold. A good joke gets told a thousand times, and spreads like a virus. Like a virus a joke will often mutate and change as it passes from person to person, often tweaked for better performance.

Now, what is the dif...

In Vermont an old man is sitting in his rocking chair on his porch, quietly smoking a pipe.

A tourist who is staying at a nearby B&B passes by every day for a week, and whenever he passes, the man is just sitting there in his rocking chair quietly smoking his pipe.

One day the tourist cannot refrain from asking the old man: "Say, have you been sitting here all your life, doing ...

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A man goes to his doctor and discovers...

...a strange new machine. His doctor tells him that it's a diagnosis machine; it deduces patients' problems by analyzing appropriate samples. After being told to try it, he put a sample into the receptacle. After a few seconds, the screen read "Tennis Elbow, Minor: Apply ice pack for 5 minutes every...

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Pass the Dam ham.

A preacher is at church preparing his sermon for the following Sunday when his wife calls. She tells him some friends are in town for a few days and she has invited them over for dinner that night. She then asks him to stop by the butcher shop on the way home and pick up the best ham they have. She ...

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The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says - “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says - “...

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The Miracle Machine

A guy is talking to a work buddy in the bar. The guy says, "man my wrist is killing me! I want to go to a doctor but im scared that the bill will be too high." The buddy says, "well you are in luck man! i heard from my wife that a new pharmacy just opened up and they have a machine that with just a ...

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Three couples want to join a church

... One has been married for 25 years, the second couple has been married for 5 years, and newlyweds. The priest tells them they can join the church, but only if they don't have sex for one week to prove their dedication.

A week later they return and the priest asks them how it went. The cou...

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The Best Diagnostician

One day a man complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I am going to see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Why don’t you try the new computer system in the hospital. It’s proven to be able to diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than any doctor. It’s incredible! You simply insert a sample of...

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Church fun.

A elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a newly wed couple go to their local church to apply to be a members of their congregation .
"all of you would make fine additions to the church" the priest says.."All we ask is that you refrain from from having sex for two weeks. Please come back in t...

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Joining the Congregation

Three married couples, an elderly pair, a middle-aged pair, and two newlyweds, are applying to be a part of the congregation of a church. The pastor tells them that part of the part of the process involves them undergoing a trial of chastity, and as such that they must refrain from sex for two full ...

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam go golfing...

The imam tees off first. He completely shanks the drive. "Fuck!" he screams, "I missed!" The priest turns to the imam and says "My friend, you must watch you language. If you continue to swear God will rain his wrath upon you". The others tee off without further incident.

On the fairway, the ...

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Super-Diagnostic Machine

Leroy and Roscoe are sitting around the lunch table in the break room when Roscoe starts complaining about his elbow. "I reckon Imma hafta go down to the doc and have him check this thang out." Leroy says, "Naw, don't waste yur money. Wal-Mart has this new contrapshun whur you can go and put a pi...

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