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this morning, my wife saved me from choking to death on a custard cream biscuit.

The fat cunt had eaten them all.

A blonde saved enough money to buy a convertible.

So she goes out for a drive into the country. Top down, music blaring, what people stereotypically do in convertibles.

She gets to the middle of a field, and sees her friend, who is also blonde, rowing in a boat. In the middle of a field.

She puts her car in park and steps out.

...

My phone saved my life by taking a bullet.

Shot on iPhone.

I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.

What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

My dentist gives me a new toothbrush every check up which is nice because I save them for when a lady stays the night.

So far I have about a dozen of them saved up.

Hey! I saved a bundle on car insurance, by switching....

my car on reverse and leaving the scene of the accident!

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My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

What’s the worst thing about being a birthday cake?

After you are set on fire, you are eaten by the hero that saved you.

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

Please put on your mask. It saves lives.

Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way to the mall he passed by his wife and she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.

Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19

Husband : Because you take my breath away!

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

Saved her contact as "Heaven on earth".

Realized it was too long so I abbreviated it.

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

The United States of America.

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

Pig with a wooden leg

A city gentleman is going for a drive in the country. He passes a farm field, where he sees a lone pig rooting around, and upon second glance, this pig has a wooden leg. He drives up the driveway and finds the farmer repairing his tractor in front of the barn. He asks the farmer about the pig....

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One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

There were three contacts of ladies saved in it, The Lady that is tender, The lady that is Amazing, and the lady of my dreams.

The wife called the lady that is tender and her husband's mother answered.

Then she called the lady th...

Three men entered a swimming race for people with disabilities. One of the three men had no arms, one had no legs, and the third was just a head with no body.

The three men got onto the starting blocks. The whistle blew, and they all jumped into the water. The armless man and the legless man started to swim to the other end of the pool, but the head with no body sank to the bottom.

It was a very close race, but the armless man won. But when he and ...

Who saved Rome from the plague?

Emperor Vax-a-million

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.

He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."

The pastor...

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

Putin could’ve saved Trump from this....

Putin on a mask anyway

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

I never invite anyone called Robert to any of my parties......

That's saved me a few Bob.......

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A lone camel driver was about to embark upon a long journey from west Sahara to Egypt.

He packed all the gear he could think of for the journey that would last for a couple of months. No thing had escaped his mind. Lots of water, food, first aid kit, even three toothbrushes to last him the whole way.

Only after a week, well into the desert did it dawn on him that while he had r...

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Woman meets the Italian

One day, a woman has a date with a French guy at his hotel room, floor 10. The french guy makes the balcony in a romantic mood, wine, food so the woman can enjoy the time with him.

After some time, woman asks the french guy:

Woman: If I would be your girlfriend, how would you treat me?...

Just saved my boss from a murder.

I went home early.

Peanut in the ear (long)

A husband and wife are sitting in the living room. The husband is throwing peanuts in the air and catching then in his mouth.
The wife says something and the husband looks at her and a peanut lands in his ear. He tries to get it out but pushes it further in. The wife says let me try I have long...

My girlfriend saved me from drowning last night

Thank God she took her foot off my head

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

Why can't jokes be saved in a .csv file?

Because they are comma delimited.

(Comedy limited)

I saw a little kid crying. He told me he lost the $200 he had saved for his mom's birthday gift. So I opened my wallet and gave him $40

Why not? Just five minutes earlier, I found ten $20 bills!

Sheldon, Howard and Raj saved up 1 million dollars each

Leonard only had a penny

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Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shit.

Hygiene

Women issues

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already aroun...

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A man is dared to stay 3 months in the dessert without masturbating

The man is told that he will receive 1.000.000$ if he can resist in the dessert for 3 months without masturbating
He will get a house, full with electicity, food and water supply for 3 months

The guy then asks:

-But what about sex?

The other guy replies:

-Uhm...you ca...

If we had listened to Trump, we could have saved more people from the Dracula.

He did tell us to stop The Count.

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

Another dumb joke

**A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" th...

With the number of times Thor has saved someone's..

You could really say he's an assguardian.

A bumblebee and a honeybee meet on the corner.

The bumblebee says "Hey, little bro, how's it going?" and the honeybee says "Oh, so, so bad. It's been a horrible summer, hardly any flowers, and there's next to nothing in the hive."

"I can give you a hot tip," says the bumblebee. "Go half a block south, then fly over the house to tbe back y...

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How many kinds of people?

(Inspired by the joke "there are 2 kinds of people, those who say there are 2 kinds of people and everyone else)

An interfaith conference is held on diversity. An attendee from each religion addresses their view on the kinds of people in the world.

An atheist rushes the podium and says...

Double Cross

The 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told...

Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and William Barr are in a plane crash. Who is saved?





The American People

An old but timely parable / joke for our times

A river valley was flooding fast. A TV news bulletin warned residents to get to higher ground. But as everyone was evacuating, a smug Evangelist stood his ground and declared "I will pray to God to deliver me from this disaster!"

So he prayed.

Some time went by and the floodwaters ro...

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What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

A monkey and a Lizard are sitting on a tree smoking some weed.

After some time the lizard becomes thirsty and decides to go to the river to drink some water.
When he gets there, he falls in and is saved by a crocodile. After Explaining how he got high, The Crocodile decides to investigate.

When the crocodile reaches the tree, he calls out to the monk...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

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