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Saved Jokes

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A German saved my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "here is ze dog keep him warm
¡and dry him off he vill be fine"

I said "are you a vet?"

He replied “vet?.. I'm fucking soaking"

My gun saved my life today.

It misfired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

this morning, my wife saved me from choking to death on a custard cream biscuit.

The fat cunt had eaten them all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

To be saved you need either calvary or cavalry.

Both will save you, but one doesn't wait until you are dead.

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

The United States of America.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn."

Stupid firemen

[I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared](http://i.imgur.com/6Q1KD6K.jpg) but others have pointed me to:
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)
[OP2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christi...

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

Back in the USSR

In the days of state control, a Russian man saved and saved and saved until he finally had enough money to buy a car. 

He took the bus to the state car agency to arrange the purchase. 

After an hour of filling in paperwork, he handed over the money and asked when he could pick it up....

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U

A blonde saved enough money to buy a convertible.

So she goes out for a drive into the country. Top down, music blaring, what people stereotypically do in convertibles.

She gets to the middle of a field, and sees her friend, who is also blonde, rowing in a boat. In the middle of a field.

She puts her car in park and steps out.

...

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

I saved a man from getting killed today

I had some self control.

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

Putin could’ve saved Trump from this....

Putin on a mask anyway

Saved some money on the gift, though!

I recently received an invitation to a wedding that would have been difficult to attend.

In hindsight, "Maybe next time" probably wasn't the best RSVP.

Why do millenials think the government saved their lives?

Because they are indebted to it forever.

I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.

What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.

My phone saved my life by taking a bullet.

Shot on iPhone.

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

Just saved my boss from a murder.

I went home early.

Obama went on a run

and fell in a river.

-

three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it.

-

The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought i...

An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide

He approached her.

She: "Dont come near me!!"

Old man :" Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body,you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok,if thats the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

My girlfriend saved me from drowning last night

Thank God she took her foot off my head

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shit.

Why can't jokes be saved in a .csv file?

Because they are comma delimited.

(Comedy limited)

A book of dad jokes saved my marriage.

Was finally able to make my wife moan.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 sinners want to be saved.

Three sinners walk into a Catholic church wanting to be saved.

The priest tells them "go out, commit a sin, come back tomorrow, tell us your sin and then drink this holy water and you will be saved."

They all leave and commit a sin.

The next day they all come back to the churc...

Helium saved 6 people from a house fire.

He’s such a noble gas.

Saved by the Stuttering

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d."

The first guy says in amaze...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

Sheldon, Howard and Raj saved up 1 million dollars each

Leonard only had a penny

Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19

Husband : Because you take my breath away!

A guy was stranded alone walking in the desert. He comes across a bacon tree, "ah a bacon tree! I'm saved!" he shouts. Moments later he was gunned down.

Turns out it was a hambush

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holly Gennaro was angry with me for dropping her wristwatch when I saved her at Nakatomi Plaza. But what could I do?

My Hans slipped.

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

I saved a homeless guy today...

He said: "if you gave me that watch, I could die from happiness!!"

I saved a fortune by not vaccinating my child.

Which was fortunate, because kids funerals don’t come cheap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

Have you heard the one about the woman who was saved from a river by a crane operator?

It’s an uplifting story

FOX new has saved my legs!

I got into a terridle car crash and and lost the use of my legs. When I was in the hospital, FOX news came on the TV. I got up to change the channel.

If i had a penny for every time a Ukrainian man saved the world from eventual nuclear fallout

If i had a penny for every time a Ukrainian man saved the world from eventual nuclear fallout due to Russian stupidity, I'd have 2 pennies; it's not a lot but it's weird that it happened twice

A penny saved...

... is 350 Trillion Zimbabwe dollars earned!

I've saved an absolute fortune this Black Friday.

I stayed in.

I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas presents....

By posting about my political views on Facebook.

Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and William Barr are in a plane crash. Who is saved?





The American People

I saved a cat today.

It was a ton of work getting him into my piggy bank.

I've saved loads of money this Christmas.

I walked out on the wife and kids.

Two men are discussing habits.

The first man says, "Do you smoke?"

The second man replies, "Why of course, two joints a day! Why do you ask?"

The first man says, "Well how much do they cost?"

The second man says, "Only 20 each!"

"And how long have you been smoking?"

"A few years, why?"

"S...

I saved a life today

I asked a homeless guy how he would feel if I gave him $1000.
He replied, “I’d die of happiness.”
So I didn’t give it to him.

What did the vowel say when another vowel saved its life?

Eh E! I owe you!

Did you hear about the deaf guy who saved the world

Neither did he

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