Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

A man out shopping bought some new condoms.

When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she

asked.

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course,” said the man.

“Really?...

A young man went to a pharmacy to buy some condoms.

The pharmacist went up to him and told him that they sell condoms in packs of 4, 8, and 16.

The Man said: "I'm going out with my girlfriend to meet her parents, and then I'm taking her to my house. I really think I'm going to get lucky, so you'd better give me the 16 pack."

Later that ...

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I spiced up our sex-life with some flavoured condoms....

My missus said, "Wow! This one tastes just like cheese and onion".
I said, "I haven't put it on yet"

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

Wear camouflage condoms

Never let em see you coming

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

Man talking to his wife and asks “honey, where did you place the broken condoms?”

Wife: please stop referring to our kids as broken condoms, and they are at football practice

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[nsfw] Condoms don't guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Recycle them to make a tire and call it a Goodyear.

I explained to a friend that I had a condom break, so I called the manufacturer and gave them the serial number from the condom ...

at this point he said to me, "Wait a minute!!! You're telling me that every condom has an individual serial number?"


I said, "Yes, you've never seen that? I GUESS YOU'VE NEVER HAD TO UNROLL ONE THAT FAR"


:)

Condom expiration dates are so misleading

I get sick regardless of when I eat them.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

A girl enters a superstore and asked a salesgirl “Hi, do you sell XL condoms?”

A girl enters a superstore and asked the salesgirl “Hi, do you sell XL condoms?”

Salesgirl replied “Yes of course, it’s in family planning on aisle 5”

Thanking her, the girl rushed towards the aisle.

20 mins later:

Salesgirl finds the same girl again in aisle 5. Curious, ...

Olympic Condoms

A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.

"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.

She simply responds,

"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a cha...

What do you call a group of condoms who make music.

A Rubber Band.

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A condom joke

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmac...

I went to the store to buy some condoms

I went to check out and the lady asked me do I need a paper bag? I said: no I’ll just throw out the lights

What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?

Ones a goodyear, ones a great year.

What do you call using 100 condoms in a single day ?

An ambulance .

My girlfriend said that once we get married I can stop wearing condoms!!

Guess you don’t need an umbrella if it’s never gonna rain...

How do you make a condom for frogs?

Rib it.

Some people say you should use condoms instead of getting a vasectomy,

but I think there's a vast difference.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

I used a magnum condom last night and I don't understand the difference.

It just fell off like a regular condom.

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Q: How did you meet your husband? A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

After we got married I realized that he sometimes stutters.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

You know those little numbers at the bottom of condoms?

You never noticed them? Oh, I guess you don't roll yours down that far.

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While struggling to put on the condom, I whispered some words of encouragement to myself.

"Hey," intervened the woman, "would you like me to make this easier for you?"

"Yes, please," I smiled.

"OK then," she added, sighing. "I don't want to have sex with you any more."

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What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me. I'm going in.

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How do you recycle a condom?

Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

You’d think the Catholic Church would be more supportive of condom use...

Less DNA evidence.

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

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What's the difference between a cockpit and a condom?

You can put only one dick in a condom!

My momma said "Life is like a box of condoms..."

Runs out faster than you expect, and your mistakes will outlive you.

A father is explain the importance of condoms to his son

A father is in the local drug store explains the importance of condoms to his son.

The son asks “Dad, why are there difference size packs of condoms?”

The father replies “They have different uses. Why don’t you point to a few and I’m explain when people need them?”

The son point...

A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

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Why do Japanese women hate condoms?

Because they like rawmen

What do condoms and masks have in common?

Its safe to come inside if you're wearing them

Did you know that the very first condoms were invented by the Welsh, using sheep intestines?

But it wasn't until the 19th century that the English perfected it by removing it from the sheep first

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

Did you know it was the Scots who first invented the condom, using sheep’s intestine?

Years later, the French perfected it by first removing it from the sheep.


^ An oldie my French-heritage father loves to tell around my Scottish-heritage mother.

What's worse than seeing a condom in a second hand store?

Coming back to find it sold.

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

It was pissed off

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

A man walks into a store and buys a life time supply of condoms.

Only he doesn't know it.

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A duck rushes to the store because his date won't let him do the dirty deed without using a condom..

The duck realises he forgot his money, but the man at the store knows him so kindly offers him credit.

Man: "Should I put them on your bill?"

Duck: "Don't be a dickhead: I'll suffocate!"

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

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A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and ...

I haven't chosen what to name my brand of reusable condoms

but the slogan will be "please come again."

I said to my wife the other day: "Why are the broken condoms on the sofa again?"

She said "I wish you'd start calling our children by their proper names"

So I went to the sperm bank the other day with a full condom...

The doctor said ,"get a load of this guy".

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When I lost my virginity, I didn't wear a condom.

I wore a wristwatch. Because it was about fucking time.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

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How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

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Pregnant Girlfriend

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he enco...

Customer: One box of condoms, please.

Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus tax

Customer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!

Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

“Why do you keep that condom with you all the time?”

“It’s my lucky condom. Every time I wear it I get lucky.”

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”

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What do condoms and women have in common?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”

“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

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When I have sex without condom I creampi

I cum in 3,1416 seconds

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

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Billy spots a pack of condoms

Billy is out shopping with his father at the supermarket when Billy sees a condom stand, each displaying server packages of condoms. He points to a three pack and asks " what is this for?" "That's for when you're in high school" explains his father. "You use one on Friday night and two on Saturday n...

My condoms arrived today in the mail

They came so that I can too

My girlfriend asked me to stop wearing a condom, or we're done with.

Point noted. A condom is not a hat.

The brand name Trojan is a great name for a condom

This is because historically, the walls of troy were known as indestructible and impossible to pass through like the modern day condoms.

However, much like the walls of troy, trojan condoms dont last long when there’s a horse involved

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Investing in Bitcoin is like sex without a condom

Everyone's pushing you to do it and it feels good once it's rising, but not withdrawing in time can be costly.

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.”
The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.”
The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

Cashier: Scans Condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”

Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

Imagine a con artist named Dom.

He’d be called condom.

Client: And a pack of condoms please

Shopper: Pack of 24?

C: When does they expire?

S: 2038

C: Pack of 6 please.

How do you safely reuse a condom?

You turn it inside out and shake the f*** out of it.

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

I have an idea for an innovative condom manufacturing company.

Calling it Lay Techs

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I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

The other day I put the condom on backwards

Instead of coming I left.

A man walks into a pharmacy…

He buys one condom, then walks out of the
store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying
condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once a...

I went to the store to buy 50 condoms.

As I said to the cashier "I would like to buy 50 condoms" two girls behind me started to laugh. So I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said "you know what... Make that 52 condoms."

Mom I'm going to my girlfriends place!

Mom: "Make sure to take condoms with you!"
Son: "Mom, I'm 14."
Mom: "Oh yeah? And I am 28."

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Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

Buying my first box of condoms

A young man buys his first pack of condoms for $10. The clerk says “that’ll be $10.60.” The boy says “I only have $10. What’s the extra 60 cents for?” The clerk says “That’s for the tax on ‘em.” The boy says, “Ooh. I thought they stayed on by themselves.”

Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top.

Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

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Alligators and condoms....

...two things I don't fuck with.

Her: He says no to condoms because he can't feel anything through them.

Me: What an insensitive prick!

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Is it true that dogs have bacteria in their mouths that can cause infections?

And on an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy peanutbutter flavoured condoms?

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My friend asked why I never used condoms

I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex the dude rolls off the condom, ties a knot on it and throws it into the bin.

The girl goes "I wonder if any of the sperms in there made it to my uterus, what would they have become later in life" The guy responds "If any of them make it out of the rubber, climb out of the bin and get you pregnant, they'd be David Copperfield"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is buying condoms at a confidence store but doesn’t know how to put them in right.

He goes to the person behind the desk to ask for help when he notices that she is a beautiful blond young woman.
He asks her how to put them on so she takes them out of the box and puts one over her thumb.
“Do you get it?” she asks him, but he doesn’t understand.
So she takes him into a b...

One day a bottle and a mirror were fighting of witch is worse to break.

"If you break me you get one year of bad luck" said the bottle.
"That is just one year. If you break me you get seven years of bad luck" answered the mirror.
But someone was laughing behind them. It was the condom who said "That is nothing. If you break me you get a life time of bad luck."

I asked my Russian friend why he didn’t use condoms

“I’m Catholic” he explained, “And I Don’t See How I Vould impregnate my boyfriend anyway.”

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Three guys are having a few beers and talking about how dumb their wives are.

Guy1: My wife is so dumb she wants to spend $15,000 to redo the kitchen and she can't even cook.

Guy 2: That's nothing. My wife wants me to buy her a new $50,000 car and she can't even drive yet.

Guy 3: My wife is dumber that both of them. She bought 3 boxes of condoms to take on a bus...

What are the 3 sizes of condoms?

Small, medium and liar.

Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?

Wife: What?

Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:

I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'.

My religion forbids using condoms....

I'm a Rhythm Methodist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms?

Ha! Those are for pussies!

Me: A box of condoms, please.

Cashier: That’ll be $3.99. Do you want a bag with it?
 
Me: Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we’re making out and the male duck said “I forgot to bring any condoms!” So he phones reception to see if they can help out. “Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill?”...

“No way! If you did that I’d suffocate!”

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