The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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A duck rushes to the store because his date won't let him do the dirty deed without using a condom..

The duck realises he forgot his money, but the man at the store knows him so kindly offers him credit.

Man: "Should I put them on your bill?"

Duck: "Don't be a dickhead: I'll suffocate!"

What do condoms and masks have in common?

Its safe to come inside if you're wearing them

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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Why do Japanese women hate condoms?

Because they like rawmen

Did you know it was the Scots who first invented the condom, using sheep’s intestine?

Years later, the French perfected it by first removing it from the sheep.


^ An oldie my French-heritage father loves to tell around my Scottish-heritage mother.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

The first Condom was invented by the Welsh using sheep intestines

The English improved upon the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first

I said to my wife the other day: "Why are the broken condoms on the sofa again?"

She said "I wish you'd start calling our children by their proper names"

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Q: How did you meet your husband? A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

After we got married I realized that he sometimes stutters.

“Why do you keep that condom with you all the time?”

“It’s my lucky condom. Every time I wear it I get lucky.”

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When I lost my virginity, I didn't wear a condom.

I wore a wristwatch. Because it was about fucking time.

I have an idea for an innovative condom manufacturing company.

Calling it Lay Techs

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Have you used a chicken flavoured condom?

Yeah, tastes like cock.

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What do condoms and women have in common?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”

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When I have sex without condom I creampi

I cum in 3,1416 seconds

My condoms arrived today in the mail

They came so that I can too

A man walks into a store and buys a life time supply of condoms.

Only he doesn't know it.

Olympic condoms

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.

Wife: "Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"


Man: " They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."


Wife: " And what color ...

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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

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Investing in Bitcoin is like sex without a condom

Everyone's pushing you to do it and it feels good once it's rising, but not withdrawing in time can be costly.

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A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and ...

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What did the penis say to the condom?

A. Cover me, I’m going in

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”

“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

What happens if you put a condom on inside out?

You rubber the wrong way.

A man enters a drugstore full of people and yells from the door “Can I have a condom?!”. The pharmacist replied “Hey, watch your mouth”.

The man responds “Ok, then I’ll have two”.

I went to the store to buy condoms last night.

The cashier asked, ‟Do you want a bag?”

I replied, ‟No, she is not that ugly.”

The other day I put the condom on backwards

Instead of coming I left.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

Client: And a pack of condoms please

Shopper: Pack of 24?

C: When does they expire?

S: 2038

C: Pack of 6 please.

Buying my first box of condoms

A young man buys his first pack of condoms for $10. The clerk says “that’ll be $10.60.” The boy says “I only have $10. What’s the extra 60 cents for?” The clerk says “That’s for the tax on ‘em.” The boy says, “Ooh. I thought they stayed on by themselves.”

How do you safely reuse a condom?

You turn it inside out and shake the f*** out of it.

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Billy spots a pack of condoms

Billy is out shopping with his father at the supermarket when Billy sees a condom stand, each displaying server packages of condoms. He points to a three pack and asks " what is this for?" "That's for when you're in high school" explains his father. "You use one on Friday night and two on Saturday n...

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible?

Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A l...

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

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Two old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus. It started to rain, so one of them took out a condom from her purse..

and cut off the tip, slipped it over cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, 'Hey thats a good idea! What is it that you put over ur cigarette?' The other old lady said, "It's a condom". "A condom? Where do u get those?". The lady replied, "You can purchase them at pharmacy. ...

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Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

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How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.”
The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.”
The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

Her: He says no to condoms because he can't feel anything through them.

Me: What an insensitive prick!

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Alligators and condoms....

...two things I don't fuck with.

My religion forbids using condoms....

I'm a Rhythm Methodist

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Why did the condom cross the road?

It was pissed off...

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After sex the dude rolls off the condom, ties a knot on it and throws it into the bin.

The girl goes "I wonder if any of the sperms in there made it to my uterus, what would they have become later in life" The guy responds "If any of them make it out of the rubber, climb out of the bin and get you pregnant, they'd be David Copperfield"

I went to the store to buy 50 condoms.

As I said to the cashier "I would like to buy 50 condoms" two girls behind me started to laugh. So I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said "you know what... Make that 52 condoms."

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A young man is buying condoms at a confidence store but doesn’t know how to put them in right.

He goes to the person behind the desk to ask for help when he notices that she is a beautiful blond young woman.
He asks her how to put them on so she takes them out of the box and puts one over her thumb.
“Do you get it?” she asks him, but he doesn’t understand.
So she takes him into a b...

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What's the difference between a Condom and a Coffin

You cum in one and go in the other

Have you noticed condoms now have a serial number on them?

If you haven't seen the serial number, then you must not be rolling them down far enough!

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My friend asked why I never used condoms

I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."

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I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

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There's a reason why condoms come in packets of 6, 9 and 12

It's because they're meant to accommodate men around the world.

The packet of 6 is for the religious men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, never on a Sunday.

The packet of 9 is for those really amorous men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on ...

Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop smoking cigarettes...

Suddenly it begins to rain. Old lady #1 pulls a condom out of her purse and slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Impressed, old lady #2 says, "Whad'ya call that thing and where can I get one?" "You mean this cigarette cover? I get mine down at the pharmacy," Says old lady #1.

So...

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A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

I asked my Russian friend why he didn’t use condoms

“I’m Catholic” he explained, “And I Don’t See How I Vould impregnate my boyfriend anyway.”

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

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An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other

Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

He's a bit confused, so he calls the clerk over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”

The kindly old clerk replies, with a sly g...

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Condom packaging

Do you know why high schoolers buy condoms in 2 packs?
.
No?
.
For Friday night and Saturday night.

Do you now why college kids buy condoms in 4 packs?
.
No?
.
For Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday
.
.
Do you know why married men buy c...

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Condoms?

Ha! Those are for pussies!

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms

He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

Cashier: Scans Condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”

Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

The pharmacist takes note and says “Big night tonight eh?”

The man responds “Yeah, meeting the new girls’ parents for dinner tonight and I’m trying to get lucky.”

He heads to his girlfriend’s house later that night and sits down before eating to pray.

And pray


And pr...

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

An Indian is calmly having breakfast...

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an

American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside

him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We on...

What are the 3 sizes of condoms?

Small, medium and liar.

Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we’re making out and the male duck said “I forgot to bring any condoms!” So he phones reception to see if they can help out. “Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill?”...

“No way! If you did that I’d suffocate!”

Did you condoms have a fortune printed on them like a fortune cookie?

NO? Oh! Well you've probably never unrolled one all the way.

I want to start a line of camouflage condoms

The slogan will be *”You’ll never see them coming!”*

- „A box of condoms please.“

+ „Do you need a bag?“
- „No, (s)he‘s pretty.“

A man boards a plane with six kids

After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No, I work for a condom company, these are customer complaints."

A gynecologist goes in to see a new patient.

Upon entering, he notices that the new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he decides to break the ice with some small talk.

"Do you know how they make latex gloves?", he asks.

"No", she responds.

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex tha...

A duck waddles into the drug store and says, “Sorry, I don’t have my wallet today but I need to buy a condom.” The pharmacist says, “No problem. Shall I just put it on your bill?”

The duck exclaims, “Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?”

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I...

Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?

Wife: What?

Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:

I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'.

Young Guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms for the first time.

The cashier said "That will be 5.99 plus tax".

The young guy says "Tacks!!! I thought these things stayed on by themselves!!!"

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You wake in a field, nude, grass stained elbows, knees and a condom in your ass, Do you tell anyone?

No? Wanna come camping with me this weekend?

Me: A box of condoms, please.

Cashier: That’ll be $3.99. Do you want a bag with it?
 
Me: Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

What do you call someone who wears a condom on his toes?

Roberto

A boy asked his dad, “What’s a condom meant for?” The father replied...

“Condiments are used to add flavor to certain foods, most commonly hot dogs and burgers.”

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People that have sex in public, please don't leave your used condoms on the ground.

Leave them at eye level so I can truly appreciate them.

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A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

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Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

I saw all the people complaining about inappropriate YouTube ads, and at first I thought they were kidding. Then I saw a Trojan condoms ad.

I thought they were horsing around.

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a condom fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.

I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.

I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."

"Mommy, how was I born?"

Well, a few years ago, your daddy and I decided to plant a seed. Your dad put it in the ground and then I took care of it for a few months.

With, time, the plant started growing more and more leaves until it grew into a big healthy plant.

We then dried it and smoked it, got very high a...

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

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A woman went to store and asked for a maternity bra.

"what bust?" asked the saleswoman.

" The fucking condom" she replied.

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A woman was having an affair While her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from ...

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If you're going to have sex with a frog, at least wear a condom.

If you want him to enjoy it, then rib it.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

Because it got pissed off.

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I don't get why people hate condoms that much.

It's just a piece of fucking rubber.

What does wearing a mask and a condom have in common?

It always feels better not wearing one!

Why are condoms never black?

Because black makes you look thinner.

I always buy condoms in value packs...

More bang for your buck.

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A boy walks into a pharmacy to buy a condom

He's never done this before, so he's quite nervous. There's a beautiful young girl at the counter, and she brings him a packet. Seeing how nervous he is, she asks him, "Do you know how to use one of these?"

The boy shakes his head, and she slips one onto her thumb to demonstrate, telling him ...

Gonna start a condom company, buy I'm still working on the name.

I think I'm gonna go with Don't Kid Yourself. That's also what the magnum size is called though.

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

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I started carrying a moist towelette in my wallet instead of a condom.

I run into chicken wings more often that I do sex.

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