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Condom Jokes

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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Condom question

A girl is talking to her guy friend: "I found condoms in my boyfriend's jacket. We don't use condoms and when I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate. Do you ever do that??"

"Sure", her guy friend replies.

"Really?? You masturbate into condoms??!"

"Oh", he respon...

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My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

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A sex Ed teacher walks into class with a condom and a banana

He addresses the class and says "today i will show you how to use a condom and i have this banana because i can't get hard on an empty stomach"

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

You come in one and leave in the other, but you need to be stiff to go in both

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What did the penis say to the condom?

“Cover me, I’m going in!”

 

________
*^(Condom: “You need to lay off those action movies, Richard!”)*

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.

The manager sends her off to the family planning section.

After ten minutes, the manager takes routine a walk around the store, to check on things. He finds the lady still in the family planning section, humming to herse...

What do you use when you haven't got a condom?

A fake name.

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

'cause it was pissed off.

What's the difference between a condom and a car?

There's a big market for used cars.

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

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I tried jabbing a hole in my condom to get my girlfriend pregnant…

Now I just need to figure out how to get my dick to stop bleeding

A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answ...

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What did the penis say to the condom?

"Cover me, I'm going in."

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

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Got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday, I'm 40...

Wish I'd used it because my kids are fucking annoying

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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks “Do you sell condoms for extremely large penises?”

“Yes we do,” said the pharmacist. “Do you need to buy some?”

“No,” she replied, “but if you don’t mind I’m just going to wait here.”

Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

What's the difference between a hat and a condom?

The hat protects the head from the outside whereas the condom protects the outside from the head.

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What do a woman and a condom have in common?

They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

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How do you use a condom twice?

You shake the fuck out of it.

Cashier: Scans Condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”

Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

What’s it called when a woman pokes a hole in a condom?

A Trojan horse

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what ...

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Masturbating into condoms...

Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.

After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It'...

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What do you call a man with a condom over his nose?

Fuck knows.

What is one catch phrase that a condom manufacturing company should never use?

Tried and Tested!

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[NSFW] Condom doesn't guarantee safe sex

my friend use it, but still got shot by the woman's husband

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

I went to the store to buy some condoms

Cashier asked me if I needed a bag, I said " nah, ill just turn off the lights"

A mom tells her young son to use a condom when doing the deed.

The son replies, “Mom, I’m only 15!”

The mom then says, “And I’m 30.”

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How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

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How is college like sex without a condom?

It's really fun until you get tested.

As a French-Canadian with a successful plaid condom business, I feel I have a lot to offer on British monetary policy

But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

A few thousand years ago an Arab guy made the very first condom out of a goat’s intestines.

A little after the Greeks perfected it by taking the organs out of the goat first.

Out of all businesses, I think the condom business is the least successful

They are killing their future customers

When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
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Now both of them have condom balloons :D

Hey dad, when should you use a condom?

"About nine months before you were born."

Have you ever seen serial numbers on a condom?

That’s probably because you’ve never had to roll it back far enough.

Buying Condoms....

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and the...

A man put a condom on backwards.

He went.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

My ex who cheated on me with 5 guys without condom used to love instant noodles.

Guess you could say she liked Raw'men

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

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“If you woke up and found a used condom in your ass would you tell anyone?”

“No”


“Want to go camping?”

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Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?

Because otherwise, it’s ***FUCKING RAW!!!***

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FDA finally approved the official Anal Condom...

The reason it took this long is because their wives only allowed them to test it on their birthdays and the tests were always abruptly cancelled.

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...

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What’s the difference between Rengoku and a condom?

One’s a demon slayer, the other’s a semen delayer

How do you recycle a condom?

Turn it inside out and shake the f**k out of it.

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whats the difference between Congress and a condom?

You can only fit one dick in a condom.

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A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.

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A girl reaches into the glove compartment of her boyfriends car for a condom...

and finds one missing. They had bought that box together, and it was now open and missing one. Furious, she asked him what the deal was.
"Oh, I masturbated with one on, just to see what it would feel like."
Satisfied with this answer, but still curious, they went on with their business. She wa...

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

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Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick...

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

As I rolled from my date and pulled off the condom, she complained "Is that it?"

"Well,we did doggie, so it should count as 14 minutes"

A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He de...

“Listen Son, Always Wear a Condom No Matter What”

But dad You didn’t Wear one when you had me. “And look Where that got me”

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A man and his wife finish having sex and she notices afterwards there's only 1 condom left in the pack of six...

"What happened to the others?" She asks him.
"I masturbated into them" he explains.
Later that night the wife is out with a guy friend and decides to ask him if he ever does this.
"Sure! All the time" he tells her.
"Really? You masturbate into condoms all the time"? She asks.
"No...

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

A man buys a pack of condoms at the pharmacy...

The pharmacist says "Large pack, huh?" The guy buying says "Yeah. I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents tonight. After dinner when we go home we'll be getting it on." Later at the dinner, the guy is praying before he eats his food. His girlfriend says "I didn't know you were religious." The guy replie...

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Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

What does a camera have in common with a condom?

They both capture that special moment.

A duck orders a condom, at a hotel...

The man at the front desk asks, "Would you like me to put this on your bill, sir?"

The duck replies, "No, what sort of pervert do you think I am?!"

I wish this was a joke

So I’m a primary care physician and last week we did away with mandatory masking.

Today one of my young female front office girls approached me and said “People are so much nicer to me when I tell them they don’t have to mask anymore!”

I said “Thats great!”

She said “yeah, it’s...

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”

“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

Why did Desdemona ask Othello to take the condom off?

She wanted to do Moor with less.

Did you hear Magnum is coming out with a special edition Grinch condom

It's for 39 and a half foot poles

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My girlfriend said she wanted to try using condoms with something special in them to enhance her pleasure.

I was all for it, until the "something special" turned out to be other guy's dicks.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

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[Translated] a maid sees a used condom floating in the commode and frantically calls the madam .

When the madam arrives,she points the condom and asks " What's this ?"

Madam who was clearly annoyed asks " Don't they have sex in your Village? "

Maid " we do but not so much that skin falls off'

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”

I explained to a friend that I had a condom break, so I called the manufacturer and gave them the serial number from the condom ...

at this point he said to me, "Wait a minute!!! You're telling me that every condom has an individual serial number?"


I said, "Yes, you've never seen that? I GUESS YOU'VE NEVER HAD TO UNROLL ONE THAT FAR"


:)

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

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When I was in my early 20's, I once screwed a girl without a condom

I felt stupid for doing it, and it was really bugging me. So when we finished, I said, "I know it's a bit late to ask - but do you have herpes?"

She said, "No I don't."

Relieved, I said, "Thank God. I don't want to get that shit again!"

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[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please .....

[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.

"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked

"I would like a demonstration", I replied....

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