Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?

One is a good year, the other is a great year.

A man out shopping bought some new condoms.

When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she

asked.

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course,” said the man.

“Really?...

I used a magnum condom last night and I don't understand the difference.

It just fell off like a regular condom.

A father is explain the importance of condoms to his son

A father is in the local drug store explains the importance of condoms to his son.

The son asks “Dad, why are there difference size packs of condoms?”

The father replies “They have different uses. Why don’t you point to a few and I’m explain when people need them?”

The son point...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Kid : " What are condoms used for?"

Dad : " To avoid such questions. "

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

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What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me. I'm going in.

You’d think the Catholic Church would be more supportive of condom use...

Less DNA evidence.

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What's the difference between a cockpit and a condom?

You can put only one dick in a condom!

I haven't chosen what to name my brand of reusable condoms

but the slogan will be "please come again."

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

What do condoms and masks have in common?

Its safe to come inside if you're wearing them

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A duck rushes to the store because his date won't let him do the dirty deed without using a condom..

The duck realises he forgot his money, but the man at the store knows him so kindly offers him credit.

Man: "Should I put them on your bill?"

Duck: "Don't be a dickhead: I'll suffocate!"

You know those little numbers at the bottom of condoms?

You never noticed them? Oh, I guess you don't roll yours down that far.

Did you know that the very first condoms were invented by the Welsh, using sheep intestines?

But it wasn't until the 19th century that the English perfected it by removing it from the sheep first

A man bought an olympic condom pack

Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom pack
Wife: huh, what is that
Husband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.
Wife: Nah use the silver one.
Husband: Why?
Wife: You should come second for a change

My momma said "Life is like a box of condoms..."

Runs out faster than you expect, and your mistakes will outlive you.

What's worse than seeing a condom in a second hand store?

Coming back to find it sold.

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

It was pissed off

Did you know it was the Scots who first invented the condom, using sheep’s intestine?

Years later, the French perfected it by first removing it from the sheep.


^ An oldie my French-heritage father loves to tell around my Scottish-heritage mother.

So I went to the sperm bank the other day with a full condom...

The doctor said ,"get a load of this guy".

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

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Why do Japanese women hate condoms?

Because they like rawmen

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

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Q: How did you meet your husband? A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

After we got married I realized that he sometimes stutters.

I said to my wife the other day: "Why are the broken condoms on the sofa again?"

She said "I wish you'd start calling our children by their proper names"

A guy asks for a condom in a drugstore.

The clerk tells him –“I need to know how wide are you to give you the correct size”. He tells her he has no idea. So pharmacist hands him a wooden board with different diameter holes in it and tells him to go to bathroom and measure. He comes back 15 minutes letter and tells her – “The Hell with th...

Customer: One box of condoms, please.

Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus tax

Customer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!

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When I lost my virginity, I didn't wear a condom.

I wore a wristwatch. Because it was about fucking time.

“Why do you keep that condom with you all the time?”

“It’s my lucky condom. Every time I wear it I get lucky.”

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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

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A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and ...

Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure.

A man walks into a store and buys a life time supply of condoms.

Only he doesn't know it.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

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What do condoms and women have in common?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”

“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

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Have you used a chicken flavoured condom?

Yeah, tastes like cock.

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Billy spots a pack of condoms

Billy is out shopping with his father at the supermarket when Billy sees a condom stand, each displaying server packages of condoms. He points to a three pack and asks " what is this for?" "That's for when you're in high school" explains his father. "You use one on Friday night and two on Saturday n...

I have an idea for an innovative condom manufacturing company.

Calling it Lay Techs

My condoms arrived today in the mail

They came so that I can too

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

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How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

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Investing in Bitcoin is like sex without a condom

Everyone's pushing you to do it and it feels good once it's rising, but not withdrawing in time can be costly.

I went to the store to buy condoms last night.

The cashier asked, ‟Do you want a bag?”

I replied, ‟No, she is not that ugly.”

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Three guys are having a few beers and talking about how dumb their wives are.

Guy1: My wife is so dumb she wants to spend $15,000 to redo the kitchen and she can't even cook.

Guy 2: That's nothing. My wife wants me to buy her a new $50,000 car and she can't even drive yet.

Guy 3: My wife is dumber that both of them. She bought 3 boxes of condoms to take on a bus...

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.”
The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.”
The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

n Indian is calmly having breakfast... An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside him.

The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indian...

The other day I put the condom on backwards

Instead of coming I left.

Client: And a pack of condoms please

Shopper: Pack of 24?

C: When does they expire?

S: 2038

C: Pack of 6 please.

How do you safely reuse a condom?

You turn it inside out and shake the f*** out of it.

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Black Friday shopping during a pandemic is a lot like banging a back alley prostitute without a condom.

You know you might catch something, but you can't beat a great bargain.

Buying my first box of condoms

A young man buys his first pack of condoms for $10. The clerk says “that’ll be $10.60.” The boy says “I only have $10. What’s the extra 60 cents for?” The clerk says “That’s for the tax on ‘em.” The boy says, “Ooh. I thought they stayed on by themselves.”

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I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

I went to the store to buy 50 condoms.

As I said to the cashier "I would like to buy 50 condoms" two girls behind me started to laugh. So I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said "you know what... Make that 52 condoms."

Cashier: Scans Condoms

“Do you need a bag sir?”

Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top.

Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it.

Her: He says no to condoms because he can't feel anything through them.

Me: What an insensitive prick!

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Alligators and condoms....

...two things I don't fuck with.

My religion forbids using condoms....

I'm a Rhythm Methodist

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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After sex the dude rolls off the condom, ties a knot on it and throws it into the bin.

The girl goes "I wonder if any of the sperms in there made it to my uterus, what would they have become later in life" The guy responds "If any of them make it out of the rubber, climb out of the bin and get you pregnant, they'd be David Copperfield"

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A young man is buying condoms at a confidence store but doesn’t know how to put them in right.

He goes to the person behind the desk to ask for help when he notices that she is a beautiful blond young woman.
He asks her how to put them on so she takes them out of the box and puts one over her thumb.
“Do you get it?” she asks him, but he doesn’t understand.
So she takes him into a b...

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My friend asked why I never used condoms

I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."

I asked my Russian friend why he didn’t use condoms

“I’m Catholic” he explained, “And I Don’t See How I Vould impregnate my boyfriend anyway.”

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There's a reason why condoms come in packets of 6, 9 and 12

It's because they're meant to accommodate men around the world.

The packet of 6 is for the religious men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, never on a Sunday.

The packet of 9 is for those really amorous men: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on ...

What are the 3 sizes of condoms?

Small, medium and liar.

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A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

Have you noticed condoms now have a serial number on them?

If you haven't seen the serial number, then you must not be rolling them down far enough!

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

Suddenly She says "Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly."

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks "Do you want to have sex before she gets back?"

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, an...

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Condoms?

Ha! Those are for pussies!

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms

He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

I want to start a line of camouflage condoms

The slogan will be *”You’ll never see them coming!”*

Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we’re making out and the male duck said “I forgot to bring any condoms!” So he phones reception to see if they can help out. “Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill?”...

“No way! If you did that I’d suffocate!”

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Condom packaging

Do you know why high schoolers buy condoms in 2 packs?
.
No?
.
For Friday night and Saturday night.

Do you now why college kids buy condoms in 4 packs?
.
No?
.
For Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday
.
.
Do you know why married men buy c...

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

The pharmacist takes note and says “Big night tonight eh?”

The man responds “Yeah, meeting the new girls’ parents for dinner tonight and I’m trying to get lucky.”

He heads to his girlfriend’s house later that night and sits down before eating to pray.

And pray


And pr...

Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?

Wife: What?

Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:

I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'.

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

Me: A box of condoms, please.

Cashier: That’ll be $3.99. Do you want a bag with it?
 
Me: Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does sperm say...

During pregnant sex? Oh baby!

During oral sex? Oh spit!

During sex with a condom? Oh dam!

During anal sex? Oh shit!

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A little boy asked his mom how he was born

Well son, your dad and I took a little seed and planted it in the ground, we watered it and took care of it. After some time a plant grew out of the ground and started to grow leaves and soon the plant grew a sweet little bud. We took the bud and smoked it and we got so high we fucked without a cond...

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An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other

Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

He's a bit confused, so he calls the clerk over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”

The kindly old clerk replies, with a sly g...

Young Guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms for the first time.

The cashier said "That will be 5.99 plus tax".

The young guy says "Tacks!!! I thought these things stayed on by themselves!!!"

What do you call someone who wears a condom on his toes?

Roberto

A duck waddles into the drug store and says, “Sorry, I don’t have my wallet today but I need to buy a condom.” The pharmacist says, “No problem. Shall I just put it on your bill?”

The duck exclaims, “Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?”

Why are condoms never black?

Because black makes you look thinner.

A boy asked his dad, “What’s a condom meant for?” The father replied...

“Condiments are used to add flavor to certain foods, most commonly hot dogs and burgers.”

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100 Nuns

100 nuns are meeting with the priest.

Sisters I must confess, I have had sexual sexual relations with a woman.

99 nuns gasp one nun in the back giggles.

It is Okay, I used a condom.

99 nuns gasp one in back giggles.

The condom had a hole in it.

99 nuns giggl...

I saw all the people complaining about inappropriate YouTube ads, and at first I thought they were kidding. Then I saw a Trojan condoms ad.

I thought they were horsing around.

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