Everyone who is concerned about facial recognition software / loosing your privacy because of photos in the internet...

Just wait until you hear about driver licenses.

Hey Android guys ! Wanna hear a joke about privacy ?

You won’t get it.

My wife does'nt think I respect her privacy enough.

Atleast that's what it says in her diary.

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

Why doesn't Cookie Monster have good internet privacy?

He always accepts the cookies.

A receptionist at a doctor’s office announces new privacy laws to patients waiting in the common area.

“Starting today, people won’t be called by their name.”

People somehow smile and nod.

“So, the man with hemorrhoids, please come in.”

My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm "insecure".

Says the guy whose home WiFi password is "password123".

What do you call a person who does not respect your privacy?

A Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

So much for privacy...

Google: We really value your privacy

Twitter: We’d never collect anything

Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device

Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about

I told my mum she was invading my privacy

She told me I came out her privacy

I wrote a college paper about government agencies slowly encroaching on internet privacy.

It's called "NSA: An Essay."

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George wanted to last longer during sex

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that ...

My brother told me he thinks I invade his privacy

Well he didn't actually tell me. I read it in his diary.

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While walking down the street, a man sees a hole cut in a wooden privacy fence...

There's a sign hanging above it that reads "COCK GOES HERE." He looks around casually, sidles up to the fence, unzips, and slips his dick in the hole. Almost immediately, something seizes it tightly. He gasps and stands on his tip-toes to be able to look over the fence, where he sees two small boys,...

On the one hand I feel bad that Jeniffer Lawrence privacy was invaded, but on the other hand

...well that hand is busy.

Big Brother can see every single facet of our lives, we truly have no privacy and no control over own lives.

But can Big Brother see why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch?

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

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A woman was in a coma

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They w...

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

I won $4 during the Mega Millions lottery today

Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.

What’s the difference between true communism and unhindered capitalism.

One spies on the people, removes privacy for the sake of the masses, and props up an establishment that serves only the lucky few.

And the other fortunately never caught on in America.

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Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.

3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. S...

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

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And this is how men think...

A woman was in a long coma. A nurse was giving her a sponge bath, when she accidentally made contact with the woman's vagina, which produced a reaction on the heart monitor.

Excited, she went and told one of the Doctors, and he in turn called the woman's husband to tell him to come over as s...

Ok Google , tell me a joke

Google : “Your privacy”

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The nudest colony. NSFW. Long.

A man retired after over 30 years working for the Postal Service.

He decided that he was going to fulfill his lifelong desire to join a nudist colony.

After some research he found a nude beach that fit all of his criteria. On one beautiful Saturday he decided to go and visit. He arrive...

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Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Club...

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Woman in a coma

Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little apreh...

Roses are red, sorry for the Hypocrisy

But hey, we’ve updated our privacy policy

15....15....15....

Every day on my way to work, I walk past a mental asylum with a tall wooden privacy fence blocking it from street view.

For the last few days, every time I walk by I have heard someone on the other side of the fence saying "15....15....15...." over and over.

Finally today, my curiosi...

The last man on Earth was sitting alone in a room, when all of a sudden his phone rang...

“We’ve updated our privacy policy.”

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Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

A cowboy is captured by natives after a long battle.

The cowboy fought so valiantly that the natives decided to give him 3 final requests.

The cowboy is delighted and says for his first request, he wants to talk to his horse. He walks up to his horse, whispers something in his ear and the horse takes off running. A little while later he ret...

The Pope visits Texas

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was th...

Pope Francis came to visit the US…

He was to address the UN in the morning, and give mass at Madison Square Garden later that day. After the UN address, the pope was given a chauffeur driven limo to get to MSG in time for the mass. Leaving the UN, he ran into New York City bumper-to-bumper traffic, and was stuck with the time for m...

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's around to hear it

Does it still let everyone know it updated its privacy policy?

THIS IS A TRUE STORY

When I was in my tenth grade biology honors class, we were tasting a compound known as PTC. For those of you that don't know PTC is a chemical that you can either taste, super-taste or not taste at all and it depends entirely on genetics. I couldn't taste it but my tablemate Eric (made up name for p...

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My roommate recently started having much louder sex with his girlfriend. "What changed?" I asked.

"We've updated our privacy policy."

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A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately

To an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the...

Adam and Eve were wandering on the Garden of Eden

They were walking with their makeshift clothes, since they already tasted the Forbidden Fruit and realized they were naked.

Soon, God shows up, and realize they disobeyed his only rule so far.

Mad and with His thunderous voice, He yells at them:


"**WHY, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS...

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So Trump is working with Putin on cybersecurity...

In other news, the principal at my school is working with the boys to install a surveillance system to insure privacy in the girls' locker room.

My crush finally texted me first

"I'm updating my privacy policy to make it easier for you to understand what information I collect from you. Click here to review my updated privacy policy, effective from June 2018"

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A man receives a call from the hospital letting him know his wife was in an accident.

Upon arriving at the hospital the doctor informs him that his wife is in a coma and they cannot be sure when she will wake up.

Distraught, the husband asks, "Is there nothing we can do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, we have had some success with oral sex bringing people out of comas in t...

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A man's wife falls into a coma

While she's in the hospital, the nurses notice that when they wash the wife's genitals, that her brain activity spikes. They tell the doctor who eventually calls the husband in to talk to him about this phenomenon.

"Sir, we believe we may be able to pull your wife out of this coma, but the tr...

You know why North Korea won't meet for the nuclear summit?

They haven't updated their privacy policy.

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A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time

As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconvent...

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Hitler gets out of his morning shower and decides to check on his camps.

He dries his little handlebar and heads straight to Auschwitz to check on the Jews that he has gathered for safe keeping. Upon entering, he notices that none of his precious Jews are anywhere to be found. Hitler decides that they are probably finishing up in their morning shower as well, and goes to...

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So a woman had been in a coma for a few years. . .

And everyday, when the nurse comes in to bathe her, she notices slight changes in her vital stats whenever she washes near her crotch. So the nurse fetches the woman's husband and says,
"I think a little oral sex is all your wife needs to come out of this coma."
The husband nods and asks for...

Windows 10 users won't get this.

Privacy.

Today, my girlfriend has agreed that we can do everything in bed now.

She accepted my updated privacy policy without reading.

Here's a bit of family-friendly ADD humor, compliments of my wife and daughter

So, my wife, children, and myself were out in town the other day. My wife was reprimanding our daughter for not listening and for not paying attention to things going on. The conversation went as follows (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved):

Jane (wife): Jill, I ...

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The Magic Dildo

They say that love knows no bounds. In the case of Donkey and the Dragon, this is true. However, even though the two loved each other, Donkey quickly realized that the differences in their sizes meant that he couldn't please the Dragon with his little Pinocchio.

Wanting the best for his loved...

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Man's wife is in a coma

A woman was in a coma being cared for by the Intensive Care nursing staff who noticed a little reaction on the vital -signs monitor as they washed between her legs during a sponge bath.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement on the monitor.

As soon as they real...

Did you hear the joke about the Russian Oligarchs?

Neither did anybody else, because the Secret Service was kept away due to "privacy concerns"

Google Pizza

Man: Hello! Gusto Pizza?

Phone: No sir it's Google pizza.

M: Oh sorry, wrong number

P: Sir, Google bought Gusto

M: Oh, may I order?

P: Would you like your usual?

M: My usual? You know my usual?

P: According to our caller ID, your last 10 orders were f...

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A very rich man gave birth to a son.

On the son's sixteenth birthday, The man asked him what he wanted, and said that he would get anything his heart could desire. The son only asked for a pink ping pong ball. His father was curious, but complied. After they had cake and ice cream and the son opened his presents, he went up to his room...

The Pope is finishing a trip to USA in LA

As he finishes his last speaking engagement he is picked up by a limo, and climbs into the backseat ready for the journey to the airport.
While sitting in the back of the limo he starts thinking this is a pretty beautiful car, and it's been a long time since I have driven, so he winds down the p...

I'm in the O.R. waiting room waiting on my daughter's brain surgery please tell me a joke

My daughter is having her pituitary gland removed. She has Gigantism like Andre The Giant.


Update!
She has been out of surgery for less then 10 hours and is doing great. (for someone that brain surgery for breakfast) Most of the pituitary gland was removed. The doctors are great and t...

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The prostitute and the gorilla

A prostitute is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the prostitute's skirt and starts performing oral sex on her.

The ...

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So a man gets shanghaied by pirates...

So a man gets shanghaied by pirates, and they put him to work. Life isn't bad for him, steady work a cut of the booty, but after the third day, he starts to feel uncomfortable, having had a healthy sex life back home, and if not with women, he at least could wank one out if the going got tough, but ...

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The pope is in Mexico visiting. He lowers the partition and kindly asks if he can drive.....

Driver: Excuse me your excellency?

Pope: I said, would you mind if I drive today?

Driver: B..bu...but, sir I will most certainly loose my job if I did that.

Pope: In all these years I have never driven. I used to enjoy driving so very much. I promise, you will not loose your...

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Guys wife in horrible accident & now in a coma...

...& seems hopeless. However one of the nurses noticed slight movement when sponging her private parts & encouraged the husband to try & arouse her. Try a little oral sex is all, you never know. We'll give you privacy. So the husband goes in, but 2 minutes later the wife flat-lines &...

How many agile programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to write the web page. One to make the video proclaiming the changing to be the next step towards the singularity. One to upload the video to Kickstarter. One to send out invitations to a meeting to decide whether to use Scrum or another method. One to argue that the way the invitations were se...

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I found my daughters diary and read it.

So I've been trying to get my daughter to clean up her room for a long while now, all to no avail. So yesterday when she went out, I decided that I would do it.

For the most part it was just typical teenage mess, clothes everywhere, the occasional food wrapper. However when i was cleaning out...

The pig farmer

The pig farmer is having trouble with his pigs not breeding so he visits the vet. The vet suggests he try artificial insemination, and that if successful, the pigs will roll in the mud. Being a simple pig farmer, he thinks "artificial insemination" means "do it himself."

To save his embarra...

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Kinky old coupld (NSFW)

Grandpa and Grandma have been married for about 40 years.
Their sexual life is not what it used to be and Grandma wants to fix the situation.
While reading a magazine she comes across an advertising for flavored condoms.
She goes to her local pharmacy and buys a whole bunch of different fla...

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A man is having trouble with endurance in the bedroom.

He sees a specialist about it and the doctor recommends masturbation. "A session in the afternoon a few times a week should make you last longer at night."

Guy decides it's worth a shot, but he isn't sure how to go about it. All the kids are home in the afternoons so his house lacks privacy a...

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