How does an Israeli makes tea ?

Hebrews it.

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An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

An english man, french, israeli, spanish and german are watching a street performance. The performer stands on a box and asks," Can you see me?"

The english answers" Yes"

The french answers"we"

The israeli answers "ken"

The spanish answers "si"

The german answers" ya"

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

An American, a Pole and an Israeli arrive at the butcher's shop

There's a notice on the door:

# Shortage today, no meat, sorry

The American: What's 'shortage' ?

The Pole: What's 'meat' ?

The Israeli: What's 'sorry' ?

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An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport

During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?”

He answered, “No, just visiting”

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Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

What do you call a distracted Israeli in Palestine?

Preoccupied

What do Israelis use to find information?

Internet n’ Yahoo.

Did you know it costs more at Israeli hospitals to deliver a boy than a girl?

You have to leave a tip at the hospital.

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, “bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.”

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes “bang bang”

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. “Hey Muhammad! You run out of a...

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian...

... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camero...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

(Original corny joke) Why are Israelis so bad at poker?

Because they have so many Tels!

[Long] A Russian Jew...

...is migrating to Israel after much paperwork and waiting.

At Moscow airport, customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: who is he? This is the most respected Comrade Leni...

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An Israeli, a Russian and an American doctor are discussing the recent advances in medicine in their countries.

The Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we can cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6-weeks, he's looking for work." The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man and in 4-weeks, he's looking for work...

An Israeli businessman accidentally sleeps through his alarm one morning.

Feeling the panic of waking up late, he throws on his suit as quickly as he can and rushes out the door to drive to work. As he begins the commute through the Tel Aviv rush hour traffic, he painfully watches the clock as his meeting starts without him.

Finally he pulls into his parking lot, ...

What’s the difference between an Israelite and an Israeli?

About thirty calories.

What do you call a Jewish person that doesn't wear underwear?

An Israeli commando!

When I'm craving middle eastern food, there's this place I always go to. It's delicious, affordable, and best of all...

Israeli quick.

Do you want to hear a joke about the Israeli army?

A general asks a young soldier, what will you do if you see 20 soldiers coming to attack you? The soldier says that I would take an Uzi and shoot them.

The general asks him what if a tank is coming to kill you? I would take a rocket launcher and defend myself replied the young soldier.
<...

So the Israeli Military has invented a new kind of martial art.

It's called Jew-Jitsu.

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There's an old Jewish man walking along the beach...

and he comes across a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says to the old Jewish man, "I will grant you anything you want."

The man pulls out a map of the Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, "I would like peace in the Middle East between the Israelis and Palest...

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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I j...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch. They get to talking about which civilization was the most technologically advanced.

The Englishman proclaims, "Surely England was the most technologically advanced nation. Why, our archaeologists dug 1,000 meters into the earth un...

I recently met a girl from Jerusalem

She Israeli cute!

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A journalist goes to Jerusalem to interview some Israelis

He sees one man in front of the western wall, praying.

The journalist goes to the man and asks “what are you praying for?”

The man goes “I’m praying for peace and prosperity in the Middle East”

The journalist says “and how’s that going for you?”

“It feels like I’m talking...

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear progra...

An old joke I heard from an Israeli fighter pilot...

According to him, flight school is hard. Most recruits wash out early. Some... Not so early. The training lasts years, and you can wash out at any time.

It was the last day of training, right before graduation, when the news came down, one of the cadets was being kicked out.

By this ...

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An Israeli and his Czech friend were wandering through the forest when a bear reared up and ate the Czech guy.The Jewish guy ran to the nearest Ranger office,to report what happened. The ranger went off in his truck and returned shortly with two bears in cages in the back.

‘These are the only two bears in the vicinity can you identify which one ate your friend?’ The ranger asked
‘How could I recognize which bear is which?’ Said the fellow
‘Well,’ countered the Ranger’ One is a male bear and the other a female, maybe when the bear reared up to eat your friend you...

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

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A Iranian, a Israeli, and a Nazi are walking through the desert...

....when they happen upon a magic lamp! Excited, they rub the lamp and a Genie appears. "Thank you for releasing me! In exchange, I will grant you each one wish".

The Iranian thinks for a minute, and says: "My people get pushed around by the rest of the world, but we would be fine if we ha...

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Two Arab guys get on a plane

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”

“No pr...

What kind of combat training do the recruits in the Israeli army receive?

Jew-Jitsu.

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An Israeli only knows one type of martial arts

Its Jew Jitsu

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Israeli tourist

An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that p...

What do you call a Israeli Man that works in the Beer making industry?

Hebrew

How did the Israeli get his coffee?

Hebrew'd it.

Why are older Israelis More Prone to Identity Theft?

They still use Netanyahu.

A journalist asks a Russian, a Pole and an Israeli the same question: Excuse me, what's your opinion on the meat shortage?

The Russian replies: What's an opinion?

The Pole replies: What's meat?

The Israeli replies: What's excuse me?

What do you call the fallout from an Israeli nuke?

Zionizing radiation.

An American, an Frenchman, an Israeli, a Spaniard, and a German go to see a seminar

They show up late, and can only find seats in the back row. When the presenter notices them come in and take seats in the very back, he shouts to them, "Can you guys see me back there?"

They answered back in order, "Yes" "Oui" "Ken" "Si" "Ja"

An Arab, an Israeli and a Mexican are on a plane.

The pilot says that the plane is losing altitude and that the men need to throw something out of the plane to reduce the weight. The Mexican throws his collection of sombreros and the Israeli asked him why he threw the sombreros, the Mexican said "ah, we have plenty of those in my country".

...

An Israeli Joke

An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry ...

I saw my friends Israeli passport recently.

Under occupation it just said Palestine.

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A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

What do you call a fresh squeezed Israeli?

Jewce.

There were people having a disagreement over whether it is correct to use the term "Jew", "Israeli", or "Hebrew".

In the end they were just arguing semitics.

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

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Israeli Hell

A person dies and is judged for his sins.

“Well,” says the angel, “Sorry, dude, but you are going to hell. But as a bonus for not being a complete putz, you are granted the choice to which hell to go. Your options are: the Soviet hell, the Nazi hell or the Israeli hell.”

The sinner thi...

What happens when musician Gene Simmons opens up a jewelry shop inspired by his Israeli heritage?

Family Jew-els :)

The favourite car of Israelis

Landrover.

What do you call someone who is only part Israeli?

An Israel-light.

I asked an Israeli girl out today.

"Hah! Jewish I'd go out with you" she said.

:(

What is the Israeli film industry called?

Is-reel.

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An Englishman, an Irishman,...

a Scotsman,a welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy,a ...

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an Israeli, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he climbs onto a small platform and says, “can you all see me now?” They respond,
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Ken”
“Si”
“Ja”

The Israeli Prime Minister

I wanted to know the name of the Israeli Prime Minister. I had to use Google as it was not in yahoo.

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What does the Israeli Defense Force call their firebombs?

Mazel-tov Cocktails

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly a...

An Israeli is going through passport control at JFK...

The immigration officer asks: “Occupation?” The Israeli says: “No. I’m just visiting."

Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

What do you call a young Israeli boy?

Jew-nior

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why should you never pick a fight with an Israeli baker?

Because they know Jew dough

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

I was surprised to learn that the Israeli form of martial art was Krav maga...

I always thought they used JEWjitzu...

Trump goes to Israel

and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks “why take the most expensive solution...

What do you call the son of a Mexican and an Israeli?

Jewñor.

An Israeli lands in New Delhi Airport. Reaches the passport control

-Name?
-David Cohen
-Age?
-32
-Occupation?
-No, just sightseeing... For now

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What do you call Israelis that overly spray tan?

Orange Jews!

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A very clean joke

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. Africa...

I finally understand why everyone loves Gal Gadot

She Israeli hot.

So an Israeli and an Iranian are sitting under a tree...

A caterpillar falls on the Israeli, who looks at it in disgust and flicks it onto the Iranian. The Iranian pops it into his mouth and eats it without a second glance.

A few minutes later, another caterpillar lands on the Israeli. The Israeli turns to the Iranian and says, "Would you like to ...

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