What do Olympic runners eat before running?

Nothing cause they fast

What do female runners use on their period

Track pads

What is the best country for retired runners?

Iran

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When It's Raining..

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Mussolini and Hitler the best runners?

They were the fascists

The 50 states and DC each send their fastest runner to compete in a marathon...

The route they are running takes them around Washington DC, and the finish line is the front door of the White House.

At the sound of the starting pistol, all fifty-one runners take off. It's an exciting race.

Meanwhile, at the White House, the President waits in the Oval Office for t...

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer

the agony of defeat.

Relay Runners

You’ve got to hand it to them.

Who were the fastest runners ever?

Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.

What type of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

Did you know that most nuns are very good runners?

It’s because they’re always being chaste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother joined a marathon with poop in his pants. There were 2 runners ahead of him.

He came in turd.

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

What do sneeze attacks and runners both have?

Tennis shoes

How are rookie marathon runners like people with erectile dysfunction?

There both just honestly happy to finish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.

Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Every...

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

Last year I entered a marathon.

The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied, "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill is out for a drive and comes across a place that does psychic readings.

Bill, ever the skeptic, walks in just to tell the psychic that he's a fraud and that he's taking advantage of people. The psychic tells Bill to try his Skeptic's package. "What's that?", Bill asked. "It's a special deal I offer to people who don't believe in psychics." The psychic began to explain. ...

My favorite part of a marathon is...

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a king of an ancient African tribe.

In this tribe everyone lived in huts made of dirt and grass. Everyone living in the tribe had huts that were only one story high, since no one had the means to build beyond that.


The king, however, being a wealthy and loved ruler, had a hut that was a magnificent two stories high.

...

Why didn't Mexico win any medals at the Olympics?

Their best runners and swimmers are in America

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know I'm not supposed to judge people by race...

But I fucking hate marathon runners.

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.

Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.

Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.

"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.

"You may have won,"...

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