UPJOKE
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An elephant is walking through the jungle.

An elephant is walking through the jungle. She is almost home home when she steps on a log and gets a nasty splinter deep in between her toes.

She tries to keep walking but the pain is just to much for her to handle.

As the elephant falls to the ground rrady to give up, she notices...

An amateur birdwatcher and a professional ornithologist are observing the same patch of the forest floor.

There’s a break in the canopy above them, so there are dozens of birds congregated to soak up the sunlight. The scientist is eagerly taking notes and muttering to himself, “28…29…30… there’s 31 distinct species all in this one clearing! It’s amazing!”

The birdwatcher tells him, “No, they’re a...

What's the difference between a tent and a canopy?

I've never drank from a tent before..

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

What's the difference between a hammock and a canopy?

People don't get mad when they learn you've sold them a hammock

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A man on the verge of pooping into his pants rushes into a busy mini beach market

The only cashier in the small canopy-style store joyfully asks him:

\- Good afternoon sir, how can I help you?

\- I need some toilet paper please.

\- Ah, no worries, we have all kinds of toilet paper. Would you like 1-ply or 2-ply?

\- Uh... 2-ply.

\- Okay! Would yo...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

Native American that remembers everything

A guy was driving down the highway in Arizona and he sees a sign that says "Amazing Red Cloud, the Native American who remembers everything". So the guy pulls over and there under a canopy sits an Indian on a bucket. The guy asks the Native American, "What did you have for breakfast on July 8th, 198...

What’s the difference between a rich Scotsman, a poor Scotsman, and a dead Scotsman?

A rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed.
A poor Scotsman has a can o’ pee under his bed.
And a dead Scotsman canna pee at all.

A zebra was having a crisis.

He couldn't decide if he was white with black stripes, or he was black with white stripes. For many months this bothered him, sometimes even keeping him up all night wondering.

On morning, he decided to see the wise old monkey in the baobab tree to find answers to his quandary. Far and long h...

Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.

When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.

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Golf pro returns home

Back in the sixties an Irish golfer makes it big in the USA and becomes a millionaire. Wanting to celebrate his success he arranges for a trip back to his lovely green Isle and since he's also a bit of a braggard, he pays to have his very flashy Buick convertible sent back with him on a ship.
...

A leather worker was stranded on a deserted island.

A leather worker was stranded on a deserted island.

Desperate to survive, the leather worker searches the island for food to eat. Luckily, he finds a herd of docile cows on the island. He successfully hunts one of the cows and skillfully cleans and prepares the cow's skin and meat for himself...

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Meanwhile, in a different part of the Jingle....

...a lizard is walking along when he smells marijuana smoke. Having a good sense of smell, and not a stranger to the occasional toke, he follows it to the source and comes to the base of a truly mighty tree. High up in the branches is a monkey smoking a joint.

"Hey monkey" he yells.

T...

Whit's the differ atween a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, an a deid Scotsman?

The rich Scotsman has a canopy ower his bed.

The puir Scotsman has a can o pee under his bed.

The deid Scotsman cannae pee at a'.

[If you need help: http://www.dsl.ac.uk/]

Difference between rich, poor and dead man

A rich man has a canopy above his bed
A poor man has a can o' pee under his bed
A dead man has no can o' pee

(Never heard this one before from 89 year old father when asked is it an awning or canopy)

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