UPJOKE
fluefireplacesmokeboilerstovefurnacehearthsmokestackcombustionroofpipestacklamp chimneysmokeboxflue gas

Chimney Jokes

How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing. Because it’s on the house.

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

Because he only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney!

What did the chimney say to the other chimney

I’m high

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney ?

You’re to young to smoke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck went to the hospital

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to...

Why did Santa stop coming down the chimney?

Because he became Claustrophobic.

I'll see myself out.

Why does Santa come down the chimney?

Because Mrs. Claus won't let him in the back door.

Why was the chimney sick?

Because it had the flue.

You think gad and electric bills are expensive... have you seen chimneys?

They're through the roof!

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia.

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

Santa doesn't jelly himself down the chimney on Christmas Eve.

TIL chimneys can be used as conjunctions

They may introduce a clause

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Workers are building a brutally tall chimney...

When they are almost finished, a foreman runs to them short of breath and shouts:

We are in deep shit guys, someone turned over my construction plans...

We were supposed to dig a well!!!

There's an exception in the breaking and entering laws for people coming in through the chimney

It's called the Santa clause

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

I'm opening a new chimney sweep, soldering supplies, and dessert business.

It's called Flue, Flux, Flan.

Why does Santa have such a hard time with chimneys?

Because he's Klaustrophobic.

Do you know how much a chimney costs?

Me neither but I bet it's through the roof!


Just kidding, it's on the house.

Why is Mrs. Claus's throat called 'the chimney'

Because Santa only gets to come down it once a year

My friend's scared of getting stuck in a chimney with an old man at Christmas.

She's Santa Claustraphobic.

"How much does this chimney cost?", the customer asked politely

"Oh, prices are through the roof sir!", the salesman replied.

Why was St. Nick afraid of delivering presents down the chimney?

He had santaclaustrophobia.

A chimney sweeper comes into a bar.

The bartender says: "this one's on the house!"

Why have so many chimneys stopped smoking?

Because of hearth disease

(from my 6yo daughter)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa slides down the chimney to deliver some presents... (long)

As he's unloading his sack a beautiful young lady saunters into the living room wearing a robe She walks up to Santa and rubs her hand softly down his back.

"Santa, would you like to stay for a bit?" she asks as she playfully opens the top of her robe a bit.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, got...

What's it called when someone is afraid of getting stuck in a chimney?

Santa Claustrophobia

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to smoke.

Sorry, it's the first joke I ever learned, and I haven't ever seen it posted.

A guy calls a chimney sweep.

A guy calls a chimney sweep to get his chimney cleaned. The sweep checks it out and then says he can do the job for $1,200. "TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" the guy shouts. "For that much I'll do it myself." The sweep chuckles and says "Okay soot yourself "

What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians?

Ho Ho Ho!

I’m giving away my chimney for free.

It’s on the house.

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself!

Ok soot yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa Claus goes down a chimney to find an older woman laying on the couch in a bath robe..

She says to him, “Santa can you stay with me tonight, please?”
Santa says, “no no no, gotta go. Gotta deliver presents to all the boys and girls”
She takes her bath robe off to reveal that she’s wearing lingerie underneath and asks Santa, “Santa would you please stay the night with me?”
San...

Sir, the numbers are in and I'm pleased to report that chimney sales are through the roof.

But our kindling branch is up in smoke.

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Crisp Kringle.

Last Christmas Santa Claus got stuck in a particularly narrow chimney

He suffered from Claus Trophobia.

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes

I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I used to date a female chimney sweep, you know the best bit?

I could fiddler on the roof

A chimney sweep recently won $240,000 in a lottery

This is the largest sweep's take on record.

It's not right to assume that a janitor can clean your chimney.

You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.

Britain used to send kids up chimneys to sweep them. It was hazardous and many got ill and died.

Until we developed the flue vaccine.

They arrested a strange man coming down my chimney last night...

They said they had probable Claus.

---

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays reddit!

How do you make a chimney sweep get a move on?

Just light a fire under his ass!

The CDC is warning people about biohazards in chimneys, but my dumb Facebook friends won't listen.

They keep saying "It's just the flue, bro."

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your mamma is so ugly Santa came down the chimney and said

Ho Ho Holy shit

My buddy told me he fantasizes about being made of bricks and having a chimney.

He'd really be stoked if he was a fireplace.

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas
And All Through the house
Everyone Felt Shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom on the Toilet
Dad smoking grass
I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the Roof
I heard such a clatter
I spring...

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he’s been down?

He keeps a log

Got into a fight with the man who was repairing my chimney. After a while he realized he was in the wrong so he told me:

“Next chimney is on the house”.

Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.

as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl waiting for him.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl in pajamas waiting for him.

The little girl is excited to see Santa and says "Santa Clause wont you stay and play with me?"

Santa, being a busy man says "Ho, Ho, Ho, I've got to go, there are plenty of ...

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

The tooth fairy, unfairly caught up in a dentures scam, was standing in line behind Voldermort in the magic prison commissary,

Suddenly, Voldermort screams at an old man alone in a corner, "You wouldn't be here if you appreciated stealth, Mr ho-ho-ho from the rooftops."

The tooth fairy realizes the outcast is Santa Claus, and separates himself from the undesirables to approach him, asking, "Kind Sir, what did you do ...

God Will Save Me

A man of faith hears on the radio there's going to be flooding. He shrugs at thradio and says, "God will take care of me."

He wakes up the next day and the first floor of his house is flooded.. as the water rises, he climbs up into the roof.

A guy floats by in a canoe and s...

Chimney

Whats the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?

Santa Claus goes down the chimney

What did the Jewish Santa say when going down the chimney?

Hey kids! Wanna buy some presents?!

Santy Clause comes down the chimney. [NSFW]

A slim blonde beauty in a tiny bikini flashes her eye's at Santa and says "can't you stay?"

"Hohoho Santa's gotta go 2 feet of snow you know."

"Awww Santa pleeease?" she pleads as she lowers her straps and bites her lips.

"Hohoho Santa's gotta go 2 feet of snow you know."
<...

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas?

A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue

Christmas pick up lines

Christmas PickUp Lines: Let's both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip.



Is your name Jingle Bells, 'cause you look like you'd go all the way.

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?  Shouldn't you be on the top of the tree, Angel? H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Talmud logic exposed

A young man in his mid-twenties knocks on the door of the noted scholar Rabbi Shwartz. “My name is Sean Goldstein,” he says. “I’ve come to you because I wish to study Talmud.”

“Do you know Aramaic?” the rabbi asks.

“No,” replies the young man.

“Hebrew?” asks the Rabbi.

“N...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.