UPJOKE
fluefireplacesmokeboilerstovefurnacehearthcombustionroofpipestacklamp chimneyradiatormasonryattic

Why did Santa stop coming down the chimney?

Because he became Claustrophobic.

I'll see myself out.

My friend's scared of getting stuck in a chimney with an old man at Christmas.

She's Santa Claustraphobic.

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

Hoe much does a chimney cost?

It's on the house

Why does Santa have such a hard time with chimneys?

Because he's Klaustrophobic.

Why does Santa come down the chimney?

Because Mrs. Claus won't let him in the back door.

What's it called when someone is afraid of getting stuck in a chimney?

Santa Claustrophobia

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Santa slides down the chimney to deliver some presents... (long)

As he's unloading his sack a beautiful young lady saunters into the living room wearing a robe She walks up to Santa and rubs her hand softly down his back.

"Santa, would you like to stay for a bit?" she asks as she playfully opens the top of her robe a bit.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, got...

Why was the chimney sick?

Because it had the flue.

There's an exception in the breaking and entering laws for people coming in through the chimney

It's called the Santa clause

Sir, the numbers are in and I'm pleased to report that chimney sales are through the roof.

But our kindling branch is up in smoke.

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself!

Ok soot yourself.

Why was St. Nick afraid of delivering presents down the chimney?

He had santaclaustrophobia.

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claus-trophobia.

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Workers are building a brutally tall chimney...

When they are almost finished, a foreman runs to them short of breath and shouts:

We are in deep shit guys, someone turned over my construction plans...

We were supposed to dig a well!!!

What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians?

Ho Ho Ho!

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Crisp Kringle.

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You’re too little to be smoking.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

"How much does this chimney cost?", the customer asked politely

"Oh, prices are through the roof sir!", the salesman replied.

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Santa Claus goes down a chimney to find an older woman laying on the couch in a bath robe..

She says to him, “Santa can you stay with me tonight, please?”
Santa says, “no no no, gotta go. Gotta deliver presents to all the boys and girls”
She takes her bath robe off to reveal that she’s wearing lingerie underneath and asks Santa, “Santa would you please stay the night with me?”
San...

Do you know how much a chimney costs?

Me neither but I bet it's through the roof!


Just kidding, it's on the house.

Why doesn’t Santa Claus not have any kids?

Because he only comes once a year and it’s down a chimney

Britain used to send kids up chimneys to sweep them. It was hazardous and many got ill and died.

Until we developed the flue vaccine.

Travelling salesman stops by a farm in Southern Ontario...

A travelling salesman stops by a farm in Southern Ontario... where the farmer has the requisite three beautiful daughters. As he walks up to the farm house he looks over the fence into the pig sty and he notices that one of the pigs has a wooden back leg and is hobbling around.

When he gets ...

I used to date a female chimney sweep, you know the best bit?

I could fiddler on the roof

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

A chimney sweeper comes into a bar.

The bartender says: "this one's on the house!"

Why have so many chimneys stopped smoking?

Because of hearth disease

(from my 6yo daughter)

Last Christmas Santa Claus got stuck in a particularly narrow chimney

He suffered from Claus Trophobia.

The CDC is warning people about biohazards in chimneys, but my dumb Facebook friends won't listen.

They keep saying "It's just the flue, bro."

A guy calls a chimney sweep.

A guy calls a chimney sweep to get his chimney cleaned. The sweep checks it out and then says he can do the job for $1,200. "TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" the guy shouts. "For that much I'll do it myself." The sweep chuckles and says "Okay soot yourself "

I’m giving away my chimney for free.

It’s on the house.

It's not right to assume that a janitor can clean your chimney.

You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes

I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

TIL chimneys can be used as conjunctions

They may introduce a clause

Got into a fight with the man who was repairing my chimney. After a while he realized he was in the wrong so he told me:

“Next chimney is on the house”.

A chimney sweep called in sick to work.

He had a touch of the flue.

What do you call Santa when he comes down the chimney and the fire is still going?

Krisp Kringle

A chimney sweep recently won $240,000 in a lottery

This is the largest sweep's take on record.

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

My buddy told me he fantasizes about being made of bricks and having a chimney.

He'd really be stoked if he was a fireplace.

A tale of two chimneys

What did the big chimney say to the smaller chimney?
You're too young to smoke.


What did the smaller chimney say to the big chimney?
GAH! TALKING CHIMNEY!

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TIFU by sticking a chimney starter up my butt to cure my coronavirus.

Turns out it's only effective against the flue.

What did the Jewish Santa say when going down the chimney?

Hey kids! Wanna buy some presents?!

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Your mamma is so ugly Santa came down the chimney and said

Ho Ho Holy shit

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl waiting for him.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and finds a 6 year old girl in pajamas waiting for him.

The little girl is excited to see Santa and says "Santa Clause wont you stay and play with me?"

Santa, being a busy man says "Ho, Ho, Ho, I've got to go, there are plenty of ...

They arrested a strange man coming down my chimney last night...

They said they had probable Claus.

---

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays reddit!

Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.

as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You're too young to smoke.

Sorry, it's the first joke I ever learned, and I haven't ever seen it posted.

Did you hear Santa stopped coming down chimneys?

He kept getting Claus-trophobic.

Why does Father Christmas come down the chimney?

It helps him slide down with ease,

How does Santa Claus remember which chimneys he’s been down?

He keeps a log

One of my favorite jokes that my dad told me.

A man is sitting in his house watching TV when there is a flood warning. A few minutes later his house is flooding so he goes up to the 2nd floor.

He is hanging out his window when a boat with first responders show up and they yell “Sir, we need to get you out of here! Get on the boat!”
...

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A redneck went to the hospital

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to...

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Two men are shipwrecked on an island... (long)

They decide to explore the island to look for food as they are quite hungry. After a while of searching they find a cabin hidden in the middle of the woods and there's smoke coming from the chimney.

The first man tells the second he'll go knock and check it out and that the other should stay ...

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Talmud logic exposed

A young man in his mid-twenties knocks on the door of the noted scholar Rabbi Shwartz. “My name is Sean Goldstein,” he says. “I’ve come to you because I wish to study Talmud.”

“Do you know Aramaic?” the rabbi asks.

“No,” replies the young man.

“Hebrew?” asks the Rabbi.

“N...

What's black and white and red all over?

* Classic answer: A newspaper.
* Children's answer: A zebra with a suntan.
* Holiday answer: Santa at the bottom of the chimney.
* Religious answer: An priest realizing that he really is wearing a dress.
* Appalling answer: An interracial couple in an automobile accident.

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I Believe

Many people say there isn't a Santa Claus, but I definitely believe. I saw Santa with my own two eyes. I caught him in our house when I was 6.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom bent over the table reaching for the cookies I helped make for Santa. Right behind my mom was good 'Ol Santa,...

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night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

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Two neighbors, Sam and Rick, are having a smoke outside their houses.

Sam asks Rick, "Do you like dumb women?"

Rick: Of course not.

Sam: What about women who drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney?

Rick: Why would I love someone like that?

Sam: What about women who can't cook?

Rick: Hell no. Why are you asking me all this?
...

Have you ever seen ....

I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.

A horse *fly*?

A goldfish *bowl*?

A shoe *box*?

A floor *mop*?

A cat *fish*?

A spelling *bee*?

A chimney *sweep*?

A chicken *strip*?

A monk...

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

The twelve days of Jokemas, day four

Want to hear a chimney joke?

I got stacks of them, first one's on the house

Our whole house has become sick

Even the chimney has the flue.

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Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas
And All Through the house
Everyone Felt Shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom on the Toilet
Dad smoking grass
I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the Roof
I heard such a clatter
I spring...

Three blondes die and go to Heaven

Upon being greeted at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven. Answer wrong, and you will not be allowed in."


He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"


She answers, "That's the time of the year when our ...

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A joke from the 1800s

" While passing a house on the road, two Virginia salesmen spotted a "very peculiar chimney, unfinished, and it attracting their attention, they asked a flaxen-haired urchin standing near the house if it 'drawed well' whereupon the aforementioned urchin gave them the stinging retort: 'Yes, it draws ...

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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

Chimney

Whats the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?

Santa Claus goes down the chimney

Santy Clause comes down the chimney. [NSFW]

A slim blonde beauty in a tiny bikini flashes her eye's at Santa and says "can't you stay?"

"Hohoho Santa's gotta go 2 feet of snow you know."

"Awww Santa pleeease?" she pleads as she lowers her straps and bites her lips.

"Hohoho Santa's gotta go 2 feet of snow you know."
<...

Why did Santa get fired from his construction job?

He kept coming down the chimney

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas?

A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue

Why dont saint nick and mrs clause have any kids?

Cause Santa only comes once a year and its down a chimney.

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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.

It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could

forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines

covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings i...

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