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Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

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Little red riding hood was told to look out for the wolf

So she’s really vigilant; she walks through the forest and she spots an eye through the bush and she says: “I see you mr wolf!” The wolf runs away. She goes deeper in the forest and she spots the wolf’s ears: “I see you Mr. Wolf!” The wolf runs away, little red riding hood goes deeper in the forest ...

Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother

Even Grandpa won’t do that.

My check engine light came on, so I popped the hood

my engine was still there.

A group of women made a religion about Robin Hood

They were called Menintights

Why did Red Riding Hood stop running from the Big Bad Wolf?

She was tired of being chaste.

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Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is no longer a child, She grew up nicely and is now looking to find love.

She wen't on a date with Mr. Brown. The date went well and they are now in Mr. Brown's house.

Mr Brown started removing his clothes. He also put away his wallet.

"Mr Brown! What big...

What’s the only positive about living in the hood?

HIV

What do they call acorns in the hood?

TREEZ NUTS!

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Little red riding hood

Little red was walking through the forest on the way to her grandmother's house. She came across a lumber jack who said
"little red little red. There's a wolf waiting for you at the end of this path"
Little red replied
"don't worry, as she pulls a revolver from her basket , I can handle it"...

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: **"HALT!"**

**"*****I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"***

Peasant: *"I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"*...

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

A woman has 5 kids in the hood and names them all tyrone. How does she tell their names apart?

The last names.

What do you call Legolas, Robin Hood, and Katniss Everdeen when they’re leaving?

Dep-archers

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Little red ridding hood was walking through the forrest...

So little red ridding hood was walking through the forrest on the way to grandma's house. She see's some nice flowers and goes to pick them. There she see's the wolf's feet.

"oh my Mr. wolf, what big feet you have"

Wolf just grumbles something and walks away.

Little red just k...

I had an injection to prevent me from becoming Robin Hood.

Yeah, it was the MenInTightus Jab.

Running culture has gotten weird

Back in my day we wore running shoes and shorts and just tried our best, but I showed up to a 3K and all the people were in hoods and robes and they were all super unpleasant.

What does a Muslim say in the hood?

"Who do I have to blow to get some virgins around here?"

What's Robin Hood's least favourite font?

The Serif of Nottingham

Did you know I store paintings under the hood?

It makes my Van Gogh

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Little Red Riding Hood is traveling to her grandmother's house...

... as she went skipping through the woods, she saw a big bad wolf hiding behind a tree, she yelled, "hey big bad wolf, I see you there!". The wolf ran away.

A little while later, she was skipping across the bridge crossing the river, and she saw a big bad wolf hiding under the bridge, she ye...

A bus breaks down and the driver pops the hood to investigate

A blonde passenger who is a certified mechanic comes out with her toolbox, eager to help and show off her training and also give blondes a good reputation for a change. She leans behind the bus driver and sees a loose bolt, so, helpful, she asks: "Fancy a screw driver?"

Why do people from the hood want used cop cars?

To see what it’s like to sit up front.

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Red Riding Hood from Chernobyl with 3 boobs walks through the forest...

Wolf is checking her out from the bushes and thinks about raping her.
Wolf jumps out of the bush, tackles her and starts to undress her.

He sees three boobs and says: "Oh my God, you have three boobs!"
She replies to him: "If you don't like it, you can suck my dick!"

"Wanna play Robin Hood?"

"I Sherwood!"

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Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest.

She sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears erect and its mouth stretched in a big grimace.

She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"

The wolf keeps grimacing.

She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"

The wolf grimaces even wider, baring his teeth.

...

What does a Buddhist from the hood say after his friends ask him to leave?

Namaste.

What do you call a hood guy that just got promoted?

Maneger

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping

happily down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!” says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time, he is crouched behind a ...

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What do you call a cat gang leader in the hood?

The mein coon

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Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the woods, and the Big Bad Wolf leaps from the bushes...

He growls, "Take off your top, and let me suck your tits!"
She replies, "Nice try" and she takes off her skirt.
"The book says that you have to eat me."

What is the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?

Says one man to another. The second replies, “it’s maid Marian, isn’t it?”. The first man scoffs and replies “absolutely not, her name is Trudy Glenn.”
At this point the second man is beyond confused and questions the statement “I disagree, I can’t say I’ve ever heard of her.”
The first man sa...

Red Riding Hood & Wolf

Little Red was walking down the woods, when all of a sudden she saw a "big bad" wolf, staring at her from behind the bushes! His eyes all big and bloody red!
She said: " Oh my! What big eyes y...?!"
- "Beat it kid! I'm taking a dump!!"

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Little red riding hood is walking through the forest when she hears a rustle in the bushes.

"Who's there?" She calls. A huge, savage looking wolf jumps up, looks at her and runs off.

So little red riding hood continues ambling through the forest when she hears another rustle in the bushes.
Once again she calls "who's there?" And once again the terrifying beast jumps up and runs ...

Robin Hood went to see a doctor...

...he was diagnosed with Menintightis.

Little Red Riding Hood is hopping along merrily in the woods...

... when she sees the big bad wolf crouching behind a bush. She says "My, Mr Wolf, what big ears you have!"

The big bad wolf gets up and runs away.

A few minutes later, it's the big, bad wolf again, crouched behind a different bush. "My, Mr wolf, what big eyes you have!"

The ...

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Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood.

Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood and starts trying to climb onto the roof. The nun driving the car says to the other nun "Lean out the window, and show him your cross!", so the nun rolls the window down, leans out the window and screams "...

Robin Hood is lining up his final shot of the tournament

He turns to the official and asks "If I can fire this arrow into my first will it count as a double bullseye?"

The official replies, "yep, Sherwood"

What did all the boys from the hood call the Pillsbury Dough boy after he got super baked?

Cracker.

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Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest.

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest, on her way to Grandmother's house.
She skips down the path for a while, and as she turns down a bend she sees the Big Bad Wolf sitting by a tree.

"What big ears you have, Mr. Wolf!" Little Red Riding Hood exclaims.
The wolf gets up a...

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the hood.

“Leave it with me,” says the mechanic. “Come back in 20 minutes.”
So, off goes the penguin. It’s a pretty hot day and he’s a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an
ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren’t very good at eating ice creams—
the lack of opposable thu...

Red Ridin' Hood's Grandma

One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking to her grandmother's house. She knocks on the door, but all she hears is screams. So she throws open the door and sees the Big Bad Wolf and her grandmother in the bed. She exclaims, "Grandma, are you alright? I thought the Big Bad Wolf was eating you!" The ...

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I took a shit on the hood of a car one time

It was my civic doodie

A drunk man got on Mercedes-Benz model taxi

He asks the driver:"Why is the hood ornament on mercs like that"
Driver jokingly answered:"so its easier to aim when running over pedestrians.
See that old lady crossing the road over there?"
The driver starts to acclerate towards her and on the last moment avoids her.
"what was that so...

What do people in the hood enjoy eating?

Spaghetto

What starts with N, has two Gs in the middle, and has no business wearing a pointy white hood?

Your noggin

what is worse than locking your keys in your car parked at planned parent hood?

going inside to borrow a coat hanger

What's the most confusing holiday in the hood?

Father's day.

Robin Hood

The teacher asked "Who can tell me the name of Robin Hood's love?". Little Billy raised his hand and said "It's Trudy Glen miss". The teacher says "No that's not right Billy, the correct answer is Maid Marian." Billy says: "That's not true miss. In the song it says.. Robin Hood Robin Hood Riding Tru...

Why do KKK members refused to get circumcised?

Because they need hoods on both heads

A man asked Robin Hood, "would you rob from the rich to give to the poor?"

To which he replied, "I Sher-would."

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So little red riding hood is skipping through the forest

A birds comes out of nowhere and says
"Little Red riding hood! The big bad wolf is around the corner and he says he's gonna lift up your shirt and play with your titties!"
Little Red riding hood pulls out a gun, points it the ground and says "I'm not worried." Then she keeps walking.
A squ...

We all grew up in the hood

Childhood

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Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut thro...

It is 1am when a drunk man at the bar decided to call it a night.

He leaves the bar completely drunk, tries to take two steps and collapses miserably on the floor.

He says to himself: "Well, my poor old man, you’ve had a bit too much .... let's to crawl to the exit to breathe some fresh air, it'll be better afterwards”.

​

He crawl...

A woman’s VW Beetle breaks down

She stops at the side of the road and doesn’t know what to do.

She has no phone signal, and doesn’t see any cars. She feels stranded.

20 minutes later she sees a car in a distance! ...but it doesn’t stop.

Neither does the next one. She’s distraught.

Then after much wait...

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Dick's Sporting Goods came out against circumcision this past weekend

Changing their official slogan to Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Edit* grammar

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Two nuns are driving down a dark road country road..

All of a sudden a vampire jumps out from the trees and lands directly on the hood of the car, baring it's teeth at them.

"Quick! Show him your cross" exclaims one of the sisters.

The other nun leans out the window and screams, "Get off the fucking car you spooky bitch!"

A guy is driving a Mercedes with a blonde girl in a front seat.

She looked around the car, amazed, and then she saw the Mercedes logo, prominent on the front of the car's hood.

- Hey, what's that? - she asked.

- That? - he replied, chuckling - That's an aiming reticle. I use it to be able to hit pedestrians more reliably.

The girl fell silen...

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly

collections from all the private businesses that they were ' protecting ' . Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deafperson for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn ' t be able tocommunicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collect...

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

A man escapes from the Soviet Union

He visits his relative who has been living in West Germany and did quite well for himself. The relative takes him on a tour of town in his brand new Mercedes. The Soviet man, not having seen a Mercedes in his life, asks him about the three pointed star hood ornament.

The relative decides to p...

A blonde buys a new convertible ...

*(I'm translating this from a foreign language so please bear with me, hopefully it's unique on* r/Jokes*)*

​

...then she takes it for a spin on the interstate. Then comes a near miss with a truck. The lorry driver catches up to her, overtakes her and proceeds to force her t...

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

If your parents kept an old jacket or sweater from when you were a kid.

Would that make it your child hood?

Penguin in the Desert

A penguin is driving his car through the desert when steam starts pouring out from under the hood. Luckily, he sees a gas station up ahead. The penguin pulls into the station and while the mechanic checks out his car in the garage, the penguin goes into the mini-market for an iced cream. As he walks...

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

Wife is missing

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

What do you call a black guy who steals from his neighbors?

Robbin' Hood.

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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...