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Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car."

An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says “looks like you’ve blown a seal” the Eskimo replies

“So what you f**k sheep”

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

Fair warning...

Daughter to Father:

"Dad there is something my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags, and a fantastic bumper."

Father's response:

"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with ...

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda.

I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

A man opens the bonnet of his VW Beetle. His jaw drops - "Oh my god, someone stole my engine!"

Then he goes round the back and opens the trunk. "Phew, thankfully I have a spare."

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(NSFW) A pair of nuns are driving through the aussie outback.

A pair of nuns are driving through the night in the outback, in an old beat up Holden ute going from one town to another.
When all of a sudden...
A Vampire lands on the bonnet spreading his Cape while squatting and emitts a loud hiss!
One nun turns to the other,
"Quick Mary! show him yo...

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Male Porn star.

How can you tell a male porn star at a petrol station.?

He pulls the nozzle out just before the tank is full and sprays the last bit over the windscreen and bonnet.

3 Nuns

Three nuns are driving home after an evening church service when suddenly a demon-like creature appears on the bonnet of their car.
The nuns are shocked and are unsure what to do!
"Quickly" says the Nun driving "Lean out the windows and say a bible verse"
So the other Nun winds down her wi...

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

Myrtle and the Beetle

Myrtle is driving her Volkswagon Beetle down the road and sees another little old lady, also with a Beetle, pulled over with the hazards on. Myrtle pulls over and asks, "Is everything ok?"

The other lady replies, "My darn Beetle has broken down. I popped the bonnet and it looks like the whole...

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"I got her!''

A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"

The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."

He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street...

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

Chemistry joke.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each ...

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Two nuns are driving down a country lane late one night.

Suddenly, a vampire lands on the bonnet of the car, hissing and scratching at the windscreen!
“Ooh, Sister Mary - quickly, show him your cross”! Says a panicking Sister Bernadette!
Sister Mary quickly winds the window and leans out, “Get off the fucking bonnet, you prick”! She shouts!

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Two nuns are driving along in Transylvania,

all of a sudden Dracula runs out into the road & jumps on the bonnet of their car.
The first nun says ‘ Well what are we going to do?’
The second replies ‘ Get out & show him ya cross’
The first nun jumps out & screams ‘ Get off my fucking car you toothy prick!’

I went to a topless Amish bar last night.

No bonnets.

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Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

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A man is travelling through some English country lanes . . .

. . . when his car breaks down next to a field.
He gets out and lifts up the bonnet. Steam gushes into his face. 'Jesus, where do i start?' He says.

'Check the radiator' a voice says.

The man looks around, all he can see are 2 horses standing in a field. He checks the radiator, all ...

n Eskimo was out for a drive

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies...

A man breaks down on a country road in Ireland and hears a voice.

He opens opens his bonnet/hood and looks at the engine. He knows nothing about cars and has no hope of fixing it, then he hears a voice "Check the alternator"....Where the hell did that voice come from, he looks round and leaning over a gate is a huge white horse looking at him "Check the alternator...

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

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Two Nuns are driving through Transylvania.

Suddenly Satan himself jumps out in front of the car, gets on the bonnet and starts waving his genitals and twirling his tail, screaming obscenities.

One nun says to the other nun. "Sister, it's Satan, what shall we do?" The second nun says "Have faith in Jesus The Redeemer, show him your cr...

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire...

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire, so I pulled up on the side of the road and got out to change it. While I was changing it, a stranger came over and opened my bonnet.

I asked "What are you doing?!"

"Well, if you're having the tires, I'm having the engine"

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Two nuns are driving to midnight mass

Two nuns are driving to midnight mass when they stopped at a red light. A vampire jumped onto the bonnet, fangs bared, eyes glowing red, lusting for the blood of the two nuns. The mother superior who was sat in the passenger seat tells the initiate nun who is driving to step on the gas. Forward ...

Drunk...

A drunk lurches out of a pub at lunchtime.

After getting his alcohol-induced double vision together, he notices a car parked by the kerb with its bonnet up and a man leaning against the car with his arms folded and looking very grumpy.

He staggers over and manages to slur, "What's the...

An old man found a box in his attic.

Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what...

LPT: If you crash into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen..

simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.

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