A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

A man opens the bonnet

of his VW Beetle. His jaw drops - "Oh my god, someone stole my engine!"

Then he goes round the back and opens the trunk. "Phew, thankfully I have a spare."

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda.

I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

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Two nuns are driving down the road when a demon jumps on to the bonnet.

One nun says to the other ''show him your cross'', so the other one winds down the window and shouts ''get the fuck off my car asshole!''

Myrtle and the Beetle

Myrtle is driving her Volkswagon Beetle down the road and sees another little old lady, also with a Beetle, pulled over with the hazards on. Myrtle pulls over and asks, "Is everything ok?"

The other lady replies, "My darn Beetle has broken down. I popped the bonnet and it looks like the whole...

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"I got her!''

A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"

The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."

He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street...

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Two nuns in Transylvania are driving home one night

As they’re driving back Dracula suddenly swoops down from the trees.
When he lands on the car one nun shouts to the other “show him your cross!”
The other nun says “okay!”
She then leans out the window and shouts “get off my bonnet you cunt!”

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Two nuns are driving down a country lane late one night.

Suddenly, a vampire lands on the bonnet of the car, hissing and scratching at the windscreen!
“Ooh, Sister Mary - quickly, show him your cross”! Says a panicking Sister Bernadette!
Sister Mary quickly winds the window and leans out, “Get off the fucking bonnet, you prick”! She shouts!

I went to a topless Amish bar last night.

No bonnets.

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

Chemistry joke.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each ...

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Two nuns are driving along in Transylvania,

all of a sudden Dracula runs out into the road & jumps on the bonnet of their car.
The first nun says ‘ Well what are we going to do?’
The second replies ‘ Get out & show him ya cross’
The first nun jumps out & screams ‘ Get off my fucking car you toothy prick!’

Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."

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Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

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A man is travelling through some English country lanes . . .

. . . when his car breaks down next to a field.
He gets out and lifts up the bonnet. Steam gushes into his face. 'Jesus, where do i start?' He says.

'Check the radiator' a voice says.

The man looks around, all he can see are 2 horses standing in a field. He checks the radiator, all ...

A man breaks down on a country road in Ireland and hears a voice.

He opens opens his bonnet/hood and looks at the engine. He knows nothing about cars and has no hope of fixing it, then he hears a voice "Check the alternator"....Where the hell did that voice come from, he looks round and leaning over a gate is a huge white horse looking at him "Check the alternator...

A snail goes in to a car dealership

and asks the dealer as he's buying a lovely red speed demon..

"Before you deliver it to my house can you put a big 'S' on each door, one on the bonnet and one on the boot.

The dealer agrees but asks why.

"Well" the sail replys "when I drive down the road I want every one to say....

n Eskimo was out for a drive

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies...

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire...

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire, so I pulled up on the side of the road and got out to change it. While I was changing it, a stranger came over and opened my bonnet.

I asked "What are you doing?!"

"Well, if you're having the tires, I'm having the engine"

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Two Nuns are driving through Transylvania.

Suddenly Satan himself jumps out in front of the car, gets on the bonnet and starts waving his genitals and twirling his tail, screaming obscenities.

One nun says to the other nun. "Sister, it's Satan, what shall we do?" The second nun says "Have faith in Jesus The Redeemer, show him your cr...

An old man found a box in his attic.

Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what...

Drunk...

A drunk lurches out of a pub at lunchtime.

After getting his alcohol-induced double vision together, he notices a car parked by the kerb with its bonnet up and a man leaning against the car with his arms folded and looking very grumpy.

He staggers over and manages to slur, "What's the...

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An Eskimo is holidaying in New Zealand..

His car breaks down. A Kiwi stops to help, opens the bonnet, and says "Bro, you've blown a seal" To which the Eskimo responds "so what mate, you fuck sheep!"

LPT: If you crash into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen..

simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.

A physicist, an engineer and an IT guy are driving along in a car...

Suddenly, the engine makes a spurting noise, turns itself off, and the car comes to a halt.

The physicist says "No need to worry, my friends. We are on a descent, and the degree of incline means I can get out and push the car with enough force to get us back in motion".

The engineer an...

A penguin is driving along one day...

...when all of a sudden his car breaks down. He calls roadside assistance who on first inspection tell him it might be a while. So the penguin wanders off to get himself an ice-cream. Slowly walking back to the car, the penguin is absolutely loving his ice-cream, so much so that he doesn't notice he...

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