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Vault Jokes

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

I ordered a vault and a speaker from Amazon..

They arrived safe and sound

Did you hear about the pole vault champion of North Korea?

He’s now the pole vault champion of South Korea.

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If you masturbate in a vault

You’re practicing safe sex

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

What does a redditor say when he detonates a bank vault?

Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold.

A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, holding a gun he orders the receptionist to open the vault.

“But sir, this is just a sperm bank” replied the receptionist.

“I don’t care,” the man screamed, “open the vault.”

The receptionist opens the vault and inside are dozens of sperm samples. The man says “ Now take one of those sperm samples and drink it” the man demands.

“ But sir...

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What happened to the bank teller that masterbated in the vault?

He came into a lot of money

How do you unlock the vault with the kfc secret recipe

With a kentuc-key

I decided to buy a vault to keep my money in.

Better safe than sorry.

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Germany, Russia and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition...

The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they ge...

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Dick and Jane are breaking into a bank vault

In the midst of emptying what they can from the vault, Dick says, "You know, I feel like telling you... I'm gay."

Jane says, "Well, I’m so glad you felt you could tell me. But... why now?"

Dick replies, "I feel like this is a safe space."

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...

... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)

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Why did the bank robber die having sex with the vault?

They didn’t know the safe word.

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Monks

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A young monk arrives at the monastery.He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript so the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question thi...

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A little know tale of the Legendary duo of King Akbar and his witty Minister Birbal.

So, King Akbar's daughter had reached the marriageable age. As was the custom at the time a competition was held to choose the right groom for her. The task was to pole vault over a 10 feet wall topped with barbed wire.

All eligible princes' were invited to the event, but no one was successfu...

What do you call a vault with a lock and bodyguards protecting it?

Safe.

Two cowboys are riding the range on a bitterly cold day when one of them vaults out of the saddle and picks up a piece of a frozen cow pat.

He rubs it on his mouth for a moment and then throws it away. As he remounts, his pard gives him an odd look, so he grunts "Chapped lips".

"I see," says his pard. "That helps 'em heal, does it?"

"Nope," says the first cowboy, "but it sure stops me lickin' them."

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

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[NSFW] When a woman buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. But….

When a man orders a 240 vault Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blow up latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream with option of a moaner or panter in a 7.1 sound system, hes called a pervert

What's the safest sport?

Pole vault.

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

Two robbers are robbing a bank

When they open the first vault, they find a cup of milk.


One of them says: "Weird, why would you put a cup of milk in a vault?"


When they open the second vault, they find another cup of milk.


And so on, untill they have opened all the vaults.


Robber 1: "Ma...

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

How did the duck rob the bank?

It quacked the code to the vault.

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This is a robbery!

A man storms into a bank with a ski mask over his head and a shotgun.

"This is a robbery" the man shouts. "Open the vault!!"

The receptionist stands still looking at the robber questionably.

"We don't have any money here sir" the receptionist replies. "This is a sperm bank..."...

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So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

Two newspaper bosses are sent into a huge bank vault and find it stacked to the ceiling with piles of 24-karat bars. They can keep them for good, but only if they are able to diffuse a bomb first...

Editor 1: Thanks for the gold.

Editor 2: This blew up.

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Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service, for a homeless man who had no family or friends...

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery, in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the bagpiper was not fami...

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A guy runs into the sperm bank with a mask and a gun...

"Hands up, lady!" he yells.

The woman behind the counter puts up her hands. "Sir! This isn't a real bank! It's a sperm bank!"

"Never mind that! Just open the vault! Now!"

So she does.

"Get in there! Grab one of them vials!" he says, waving the gun at her.

"But the...

And now for something completely different

A young female nurse is working the front desk at a sperm bank. A man wearing a ski mask barges in through the front door and holds a gun to her head. He tells her "Open the vault!"

"But sir, this is a sperm bank..."

"Just do it!" The woman complies and opens the vault containing hundr...

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Where would you keep a golden dildo?

Pole Vault

A burglar entered into a religious woman's house

Once a wealthy old religious woman caught a burglar ransacking her things. She had lived her whole life as a celibate, almost like a nun.

”Listen lady, keep quiet if you don’t want to be hurt. Just tell me where your jewels are.”
She said, ”I don’t keep them here. They are in the bank in ...

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse...

"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner.

"Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner.

"Why so cheap then?"

"Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he ge...

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doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

A banker and a theif walk into a bar

The banker says to the thief, you're doing it all wrong...
there isn't any money in what you do. The thief smug, say's
wanna bet? I have a job this weekend and I'll show you
just how much money I can make.

The banker, laughs and says you're on. The thief figuring
he was just going...

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

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A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes...

A gang decided to rob a bank...

...they opened every vault and found only cups of yogurt. So they ate it all…

Next day, in CNN news:

"BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!”

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

Overheard from a 14 year old: Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high Mexicans can pole vault

The rich alligator collector and his beautiful daughter

Once there was a rich man who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool behind his mansion. He also had a beautiful single daughter.

So, one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give ...

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

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Did you hear about the Viagra user who slipped in the bathroom?

He pole vaulted out the window

What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics?

Hurdles, high jump and pole vault.

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Let's talk about safe sex!

Do you think they'd close the door on the bank vault while we do it?

This man is a genius

There’s a man on a search for a A very specific magic lamp this particular magic lamp grants the person who finds it three wishes like all other magic lamps but it will also grant the persons significant other the same wish times two. After years of searching he finally finds it. Genie appears and t...

Don't throw your toothpicks in the urinals...

The crabs have learned to pole vault.

Where do Popes keep their knights between Crusades?

in the Deus Vault

What famous American filmmaker lived in a safe?

Vault Disney

3 girls are on a deserted island. A blond, A redhead and a brunette...

They walk along the beach and find a lamp, they rub and a genie pops out and says you each get 1 wish

The Brunette says "I just wanna be home" and she's instantly teleported home

The Redhead takes some time and thinks about it and replys "I want to go home to a mansion and a large vaul...

A man crashed landed his plane in the middle of the desert

and after trudging on for days he was nearly finished, but stumbled upon a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp a genie popped out and said, "Master you have three wishes, but I'm a special genie. For everything you wish for your mother in law will get double."

The man thought a moment but rep...

There once was a young engineer...

There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there ev...

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Then there was the Olympic Sprinter that tested positive for Viagra....

He tripped during the 100m Dash and won gold in the pole vault.

[NSFW]Four robbers break into a bank at midnight.

As they open the vault, there are only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.

"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.

The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Ro...

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette was dragged, kicking and screaming, to the wall and blindfolded. In desperation, she screamed "TORNADO!". The soldiers, caught by surprise, dropped their guns and covered their heads. The brunette tore off her blindfold and bolted to freedom out of the encampment.

By and by, the ...

A giraffe walks into a Californian bar....

And says to the bartender "I'll have a bourbon and coke and 27 straws please, all joined together to make one large straw" the bartender, while perturbed, fulfills the giraffes order. Painstakingly joining all straws together.

The next day the giraffe comes back and orders the same. T...

Bills

Two thieves break into a bank after a lot of difficulty. Hearing police sirens, they each grab a sack from the vault and run for their lives.

8 months later, after the commotion about the robbery dies down, the thieves meet up casually to talk at a bar about the robbery:

Thief 1: Hey...

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

The President of the U.S. receives a call from the Treasury Department.

-Madam President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second...

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Preacher

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher headed out early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half- hour late, he saw the back...

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Escargot

As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".

The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of ...

50 zlotys

Wlodek, a rural farmer, has decided that might be safer not keeping his money under the mattress. So he takes his horse and cart and goes off to the nearest town to talk to the bank.
"Right," says Wlodek, "I want to make sure my 50 zlotys are safe. Like, what happens if someone robs you and takes...

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