UPJOKE
topheadgearceilingberetcresthoodcoverheaddresslimithathelmetjacketskullcapcrownkepi

Cap Jokes

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

A german tourist took a cap in Cairo

The cab driver ran a red light.
- “Hey you crazy? “ The German screamed.
= “Don’t worry Habibi. I’m a professional“
Replied the cab driver

Second light he also ran.

- “You gonna kill us man! “ The German screamed in fear .
= “Don’t worry Habibi. I’m a professional“...

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

People often arguing about which Avenger is the best. Cap, Iron man, Thor...mine is Antman.

I can't help but cheer for an Ant-y hero.

I forgot to check if my ketchup bottle’s cap was tightened…spilled everywhere.

Ah well, Heinz sight is 20/20.

How much does Putin want oil prices to be capped?

Well his closest advisors say he needs this like he needs a hole in the head....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a b...

Why did the penguin get evicted from his house on the ice caps?

His property had been liquidated!

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

Timbuktu (NSFW)

Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said "sorry, there's only room for one of you." The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer.

"I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the bes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

Trump says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the US—I don't approve.

Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

My girlfriend is insisting on a shower cap for me.

Apparently 8 a day is too many.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

The Car Accident..

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from G...

Blackbeard is in the bath and he finds 10 new moles on his back.

Being a health concious pirate, he books an appointment with his dermatologist to get them checked out. The dermatologist takes a look and says "Well, cap'n, i've done a thorough examination and i'm pretty sure they're benign"



Blackbeard replies "Arrrrrr, can ye check again? I'm sure ...

Yugo Humor

Guy walks into a parts store and says, "I'd like a new gas cap for my Yugo". Guy at the counter says, "OK, that sounds like a fair trade".

>Q: How do you make a Yugo go from 0 to 60 in five seconds?
>
>A: Push it off a cliff.
>
>Q: Why do Yugos have rear-win...

Baseball

A Braves fan walks into an Atlanta bar and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Braves fan. “Except for Mr. Yankees!”

The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”

Infuriated, the Braves fan orders another round of drinks for ev...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best submarine

Last Saturday, a British, a Russian and an American admiral met in Pearl Harbour, and standing on the water front, they were bragging about their ships.

British admiral: "I say chaps, we have a jolly good new submarine, which can go around Ireland under water without surfacing once. It's bloo...

You can't go around saying that the polar ice caps are causing sea levels to rise.

That's glacial profiling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave and Mike are golfing

While the men are playing, a funeral procession begins to pass.
Dave continues to play while Mike stop and removes his cap.
“What is wrong with you, don’t you have any respect?” says Dave to Mike.
Mike then says, “We’ll I suppose I should probably show a little, I was married to her for 35 ...

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

One 23rd of December, Santa's doorbell rings.

He opens the door and there is a little man there in a blue uniform with a peaked cap. "Evening!" he says, "...or whatever time it is up here. Hopkins, Civil Aviation Authority. It's time for your checkride".

Santa begs his pardon politely and Hopkins digs through the satchel he is carrying a...

Bronko Nagurski story

After retiring from the NFL, Bronko lived out the rest of his 82-year life on the shores of Rainy Lake on the Canadian border. He preferred not to "toot his own horn" and refused most interviews. Other than farming, Bronko ran a service station in International Falls with his sons. He became famous ...

Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.

I got stopped by a woman cop with "LAPD" on her cap

I said, where's your colleague with "ANCE" on hers?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

I went into the Auto Parts store

I said:

"I want a new gas cap for my AMC Gremlin."

The owner said:

"Sounds like a fair trade."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I captain.

A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wrecka...

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Cap gets pranked at breakfast

In the *Sword Art Online* universe, there was someone who got out of the real-world military as a captain, but someone heard them wrong and thought that they said "chaplain." So, naturally, they got the nickname "Cap" and, naturally, people started asking if random stuff was a sin or not. Cap went a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn “o” into an “O”.

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

Q. I have a neck, but no head, and I wear a cap. What am I?

A. A bottle!

Ever wonder why the cap on gallon of milk isn’t square?

Because the opening of the bottle is round.

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pussy Willows

Two old friends hadn’t seen each other in years, because they lived so far away from each other. So they decided to meet in the middle, and take a weekend getaway golf trip.

They hit up a course tucked high up in the rockies, in a valley surrounded by white capped mountains. It was truly som...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Swim Race

A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head.


The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into...

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

Yankee Doodle: *sticks feather in cap* This is called macaroni

Yankee Doodle's friend: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about you.

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely. ''Thank you, your lordship."

He conti...

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

Just got a petrol cap for my Skoda...

...seemed like a good trade.

My friend just came back from war missing his legs below the knee cap. Without even speaking a word I knew how the battle had gone.

He was Defeeted.

Q: Why do we have knee caps?

A: cuz TWO IS ENOUGH!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

Why don't witches wear a flat cap?

There's no point to it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THERE IS A VIRUS GOING AROUND REDDIT W THE LINK "CO-EDS.AVI" THAT MAKES YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS

I DIDNT CLICK ON IT BC I DONT WATCH PORN BUT BE ON THE LOOK OUT..

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads?

Q. What do penguins wear on their heads?

A. Ice caps.

I'm making a hat out of my dad's old boat.

I didn't think it was possible, but he assured me it was cap sized.

I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle.

So I fixed it with scotch tape.

TIL if you flip over a canoe, you can wear it.

It's "cap"-sized

When Mario collects coins with his cap in Super Mario Odissey,...

you for sure know he is very _cappytalistic._

WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case

What do you call a leg wearing a hat?

A knee cap!

What did Cap tell Iron Man when he asked to bring War Machine?

Rhodes? Where we're going, we don't need Rhodes.

Donald Trump announced that he wants to put a cap on immigrants in the near future.

That seems unfair. They should be allowed to wear whatever they want.

IF I SCAM SOMEONE WITH CAPS LOCK ON..

IS IT A CAPITAL CRIME?

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.

“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”

“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”

What do you call an Hispanic that's reached their level cap?

A Maxican.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

All his life, Pedro had wanted to be a pirate. And when he got the opportunity to interview for a position on a pirate ship, he was overjoyed...

Arriving at the quay, Pedro and the other pirate hopefuls stood around and waited for the captain to call them one by one on board for their interviews.

The captain emerged, but much to Pedro's surprise, instead of conducting individual interviews one-on-one on board the ship, the captain bid...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going home from the pub

Joseph and Diarmid are drinking in a pub having a fine old time when the proprietor calls for last round.

Joseph looks up and says. "Well, I'll be havin a last Guiness and then I'll sneak home."

"Sneak home?" Asks Diarmid. "What are you on about?"

"Well, you know how it go...

My father told me that his password is "MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin"

Because he was told his password should contain at least 8 characters and one capital.

Subway pianist with weird looking kid in a dunce cap

AKA his metro-gnome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

Today it's National Take Off Your Cap Day

Hats off to whoever founded it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi that always accidentally hits the caps lock key instead of the "a" key?

SS

What do Caps Lock and prison have in common?

A minor touch and you get capital punishment.

What do you call someone from Zimbabwe holding a bottle cap in their hand?

A trillionaire.

Three men entered a swimming race for people with disabilities. One of the three men had no arms, one had no legs, and the third was just a head with no body.

The three men got onto the starting blocks. The whistle blew, and they all jumped into the water. The armless man and the legless man started to swim to the other end of the pool, but the head with no body sank to the bottom.

It was a very close race, but the armless man won. But when he and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

People that type in all caps are...

Capitalists.

In fallout, why are caps used as currency?

Because america is a CAPitalist country.

Help Requested

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" Th...

The only sad thing about the Caps winning the cup is that we have to retire one of the best jokes in the NHL.

Have you ever been to a bar and ordered an Ovechkin?

If the bartender doesn't know what it is just tell him it's a White Russian with No Cup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

Captain America loses his voice...

Captain America loses his voice due to a scheme concocted by Doctor Doom.

He tries everything. Dr Strange can't help because he doesn't detect any magic causing the problem. Reed Richards can't help, because the problem isn't explainable with science. After a barrage of failed attempts, even ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The blonde and the 710 knob

A blonde walks into an auto shop to ask a question.

Blonde: “I have a knob under the hood of my car that says 710 on it. It only turns one way and when I turn it, nothing happens. Can you tell me what it does?”

Confused, the mechanic says “show me.”

She takes him out to her car...

Hey @realDonaldTrump, try pressing the caps lock key...

@realDonaldTrump: O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!

Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps

They're losing their cool!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

I tried being a hairdresser but I was terrible at it

So I opened a Cap store outside too

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.