A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wrecka...

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A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

I got stopped by a woman cop with "LAPD" on her cap

I said, where's your colleague with "ANCE" on hers?

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

My girlfriend is insisting on a shower cap for me.

Apparently 8 a day is too many.

Trump says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the US—I don't approve.

Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

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My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

It's true, I received a second degree sunburn on my head!

No cap

For past 10 years my wife has been complaining to me about not putting the cap back on the toothpaste...

On our anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.
For a week I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste.
I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.
Finally, last night she turned and looked at me and said:
Why did you stop brushing your te...

What does caps lock and prison have in common?

They both turn "o" into "O".

A struggling businessman named John approaches Yoda seeking financial advice

John asks Yoda “How is it that I am not rich? I work 80 hours a week, I kiss up to my bosses, I avoid my family, I stay away from romantic relationships, I never go out with friends, and yet still, I am not wealthy. Everybody told me that under capitalism, if I worked hard enough, I too could be ric...

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

Did you know you can turn a canoe over and use it as a hat?

Because it's Cap-sized.

A deaf man had a bike helmet that would vibrate if there was a loud noise from behind him to alert him of any vehicle’s presence

I guess you could call it his handy cap

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an american history professor decided that he wanted a large mural painted in his home.

he called in a famous artist and explained to him that he wanted him to paint what he thought general Custers last thoughts were during his last stand. he went on holiday and he returned see a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many native americans in erotic se...

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You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

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Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

---
---
---

PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

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Did you guys hear the one about where a donkey got into a hat store destroying all the hats and the cops had to come and kill it?

It was pretty crazy, dead ass no cap.

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

Am I the only one to realise that,

if we all worked together to accelerate climate change, the melting polar ice caps would put out the bush fires in Australia?

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The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Yankee Doodle: *sticks feather in cap* This is called macaroni

Yankee Doodle's friend: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about you.

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IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

Why do the avengers never lie?

If they did, someone would call Cap.

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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After countless attempts at Moby Dick the ol' cap'n was a nervous wreck and missing a leg...

Did someone at least send him a "Get Whale Soon" card?

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

Once upon a time, there was a humble couple

Once upon a time, there was a humble couple where the woman stayed at home while her husband traveled away for months as a truck driver. They always wanted a child, but they could never have it.

One day, she finally got pregnant. Beautiful! They were joyful although upset that once again the ...

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

A 70 year old man named George goes in for a doctors appointment.

All of his physical tests yield normal result, so the doctor asks George if he is feeling well mentally, which George replies he is. He is then asked if he has a good relationship with his god. George explains that when he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, the light automatical...

Q: Why do we have knee caps?

A: cuz TWO IS ENOUGH!

Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for m Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

So other day I was chatting with this one girl who wasn't that tech savvy per se. The conversion went like this:

Her: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU??

Me: Uhh try pressing the Caps Lock.

Her:OMG AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

Ever wonder why the cap on gallon of milk isn’t square?

Because the opening of the bottle is round.

Q. I have a neck, but no head, and I wear a cap. What am I?

A. A bottle!

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TO THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP

CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEX...

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The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

The polar ice caps just melted and The Netherlands got fully submerged

Now they're called The Marijuana Trench

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Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

What did the pirate say to the captain when the captain said “Aarrgghh where be my buccaneers?”?

“They’re on your buccanhead cap’n!”

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THERE IS A VIRUS GOING AROUND REDDIT W THE LINK "CO-EDS.AVI" THAT MAKES YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS

I DIDNT CLICK ON IT BC I DONT WATCH PORN BUT BE ON THE LOOK OUT..

IF I SCAM SOMEONE WITH CAPS LOCK ON..

IS IT A CAPITAL CRIME?

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

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What do you call a Nazi that always accidentally hits the caps lock key instead of the "a" key?

SS

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

Two men are playing a round of golf.

The third tee is close to a road, and just as one of the players is about to tee off he sees a funeral cortège driving slowly by. He breaks his shot, lays down his club, takes off his cap and bows his head as the procession passes.

‘Wow’ says his friend, ‘That was very respectful.’

...

Just got a petrol cap for my Skoda...

...seemed like a good trade.

A fifth grade class from Chicago goes on a field trip

A fifth grade class from Chicago goes on a field trip to a farm. One of the chaperones asks the farmer "Why doesn't that cow have horns?"

The farmer takes off his cap, scratches his head and replies

"Well ma'am, there are lots of reasons why an animal doesn't have horns, some breeds,...

Internet Discussion

user kiki357: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU? I’M NEW HERE!

user ukili: Try pressing CapsLock.

user kiki357: AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

A jewish grandmother

A jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.

Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.

"It's been more than 70 years since ...

Donald Trump announced that he wants to put a cap on immigrants in the near future.

That seems unfair. They should be allowed to wear whatever they want.

Two pirates are talking.

Pirate 1: "Ya know, Cap'n be a real stickler fer proper grammar!"

Pirate 2: "What make ye say that?"

Pirate 1: "Every time I says 'The seas be rough,' he says, 'ARE!'"

What do Caps Lock and prison have in common?

A minor touch and you get capital punishment.

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This is a joke from Norway that I've heard, as a Finn I absolutely love it.

A long time ago, there was a man named Toivonen, he had turned 18 and had to face a test about his manhood.

He got 3 challenges:
1. He must drink a bottle of hard booze in one sitting without cringing, flinching, or without a reaction in any way
2. He must shake hands with a live b...

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.

“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”

“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”

Why don't witches wear a flat cap?

There's no point to it

I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle.

So I fixed it with scotch tape.

What do you call an Hispanic that's reached their level cap?

A Maxican.

What did Cap tell Iron Man when he asked to bring War Machine?

Rhodes? Where we're going, we don't need Rhodes.

The only sad thing about the Caps winning the cup is that we have to retire one of the best jokes in the NHL.

Have you ever been to a bar and ordered an Ovechkin?

If the bartender doesn't know what it is just tell him it's a White Russian with No Cup.

3 MEN enter a bar in the USSR and start to joke about Stalin.

One said: Why did Stalin only write in lowercase

His friend responds : Because he was afraid of capitalism.


The whole bar died laughing.

When Mario collects coins with his cap in Super Mario Odissey,...

you for sure know he is very _cappytalistic._

In fallout, why are caps used as currency?

Because america is a CAPitalist country.

Being from the UK, I see the US election is a bit like baseball.

Lots of adults inexplicably wearing caps and I have no idea who is winning or what the rules are!

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A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store...

-I want 20 black bras size 85 D.

The Jew:

-Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one.

-It does not matter,

said the Chinese,

-I'll pay.

He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again.

-I want 30 bl...

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

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Anal Deodorant

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?"

The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that".

"Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from her...

People that type in all caps are...

Capitalists.

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An Irishman and an American are talking at a music festival.

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is overpriced and tastes like piss.

American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.

*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un ca...

Hey @realDonaldTrump, try pressing the caps lock key...

@realDonaldTrump: O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!

Me: What's the wifi password?

My friend: blow me first.

Me: Alright.

Later, me: So... what's the wifi password?

My friend: blowmefirst, no caps no spaces.

Today it's National Take Off Your Cap Day

Hats off to whoever founded it.

Once this whole "global warming thing" melts the ice caps

We're gonna have a canoe world order.

Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps

They're losing their cool!

WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!

// THE POLICE

How can you tell Cap'n Crunch is terrible?

He hasn't been promoted since 1963...

What do you call someone from Zimbabwe holding a bottle cap in their hand?

A trillionaire.

A girlfriend wanted to clue in her boyfriend that she's in the mood~~

Knowing that he's a fan of quizzes and riddles, she proposes this set of questions:

1. What unit of verse has a short syllable followed by a long one?
2. What's the comfiest place to watch TV?
3. What do you call a monarch of old?
4. Of what is the *Shofar* made?
5. What does the...

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