Tried to get video of Chuck Norris kicking a cap off a bottle.

But the cap fled in terror before it happened.

Donald Trump did the bottle cap challenge.

The cap removed itself from office.

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for m Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

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The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

A lady walks into a park, and finds a man lying on a bench, with nothing but a cap over his crotch

The lady says "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your cap". The man replies " If you were any sort of a hot lady, the cap would've lifted itself"

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

What did the cap say to the tie while leaving?

You hang while I go on ahead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TO THE ADMIN OF THIS GROUP

CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL OVER WHO YOU LET IN. THERE IS A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN. SHE SENDS NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING A SAMSUNG GALAXY S8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEX...

Q: Why do we have knee caps?

A: cuz TWO IS ENOUGH!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIO...

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A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store...

-I want 20 black bras size 85 D.

The Jew:

-Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one.

-It does not matter,

said the Chinese,

-I'll pay.

He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again.

-I want 30 bl...

Ever wonder why the cap on gallon of milk isn’t square?

Because the opening of the bottle is round.

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What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn “o” into an “O”.

Q. I have a neck, but no head, and I wear a cap. What am I?

A. A bottle!

Do you know why my Dad hangs a hat from his rear view mirror?

To prove he has a handicap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi that always accidentally hits the caps lock key instead of the "a" key?

SS

Donald Trump announced that he wants to put a cap on immigrants in the near future.

That seems unfair. They should be allowed to wear whatever they want.

IF I SCAM SOMEONE WITH CAPS LOCK ON..

IS IT A CAPITAL CRIME?

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.

“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”

“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”

Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

What’s the difference between caps lock and prison?

Nothing they both transform your o in O

What do you call an Hispanic that's reached their level cap?

A Maxican.

Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills

What did Cap tell Iron Man when he asked to bring War Machine?

Rhodes? Where we're going, we don't need Rhodes.

I had a detention for only using uppercase letters today

Stupid capital punishment

I've just gotten a part-time job helping a one-armed man type capital letters...

It's shift work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman were about to "get it on"

He starts to take his shoes and socks off when she cries out,

"Oh shit,what happened to your feet?"

He replies,"Oh that.I had tolio."

"You mean polio don't you?"

"No.It just infected my toes."

Thinking nothing of it he begins taking off his pants.

"Oh my,Wha...

I just bought this new deodorant, the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom"

I can hardly walk but when I fart it smells amazing

I got a new job helping a one armed typist write in capitals

It's only shift work, though.

A captain, newly assigned to his ship, meets with his crew at the tavern before they sail.

The crew receives him well, and encourages him to join them in drinking and shenanigans. He declines the former, but joins in on the latter. The crew tells dirty jokes, but what really gets them roaring is joking about the tavern owner, Rex.

"You sure you don't mind the teasing? As the captai...

When Mario collects coins with his cap in Super Mario Odissey,...

you for sure know he is very _cappytalistic._

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THERE IS A VIRUS GOING AROUND REDDIT W THE LINK "CO-EDS.AVI" THAT MAKES YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS

I DIDNT CLICK ON IT BC I DONT WATCH PORN BUT BE ON THE LOOK OUT..

In fallout, why are caps used as currency?

Because america is a CAPitalist country.

Just got a petrol cap for my Skoda...

...seemed like a good trade.

What do Caps Lock and prison have in common?

A minor touch and you get capital punishment.

Why don't witches wear a flat cap?

There's no point to it

I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle.

So I fixed it with scotch tape.

Hey @realDonaldTrump, try pressing the caps lock key...

@realDonaldTrump: O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!

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(LONG) There was once an old mobster who liked to gamble

And this made man’s heyday was primarily during Prohibition, the days when a man of means could relax with drink and a hand of poker or rummy. Fortunes in ill-gotten gains were won and lost in such places, so it was a surprise to many that the old crook who haunted the craps table had never lost a s...

Once this whole "global warming thing" melts the ice caps

We're gonna have a canoe world order.

A man sits down alone at a restaurant.

As soon as he sits down he sees a very attractive woman sitting across from him in the next booth. “Surely she is waiting for someone.” thought the man. “There is no way someone that attractive could be eating alone.”

Well the meal goes on and no one shows up to sit with the attractive woman....

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A doctor and his wife are having a heated argument over breakfast.

The fight escalates, both say things they’d soon regret, and he caps it off with “...and sex with you ain’t so great anyway!” before storming off to work.

During his lunch time, he feels horrible, and decides to call his wife to apologize. After 10 rings, she finally answers.

“What too...

Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps

They're losing their cool!

People that type in all caps are...

Capitalists.

How can you tell Cap'n Crunch is terrible?

He hasn't been promoted since 1963...

A captain's first mate climbed to the top deck of the ship

He saw the ship's wheel dangling from the captain's crotch. He called out, "Ahoy cap'n what be that on yer crotch?"
"I don't rightly know laddie, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Elderly conception

An elderly couple go to the doctors office. They explain they would like to convince a child. The doctor explains how difficult it will be but the couple is persistent. He agrees to help and hands the old man a jar and tells him to fill it and bring it back.
The following day the couple return t...

What do you call someone from Zimbabwe holding a bottle cap in their hand?

A trillionaire.

Today it's National Take Off Your Cap Day

Hats off to whoever founded it.

3 CIA Agents are Asked to Take on an Important Mission

Three CIA agents are asked to take on an important mission. They need to know that these spies will do whatever they say. So they capture each spies significant other, tie them up and prepare three guns, loaded with blanks.

They bring the first spy in, give him a gun a tell him his wife is in...

Why don't Korean captains wear hats?

Because they don't know what to do with cap sizes.

A doctor and a lawyer get into a car crash...

Both cars are badly damaged, but amazingly, neither of them are hurt. As the lawyer crawls out of her BMW, she sees that the other car is a Porsche. She says, "I see you're an affluent man, probably a doctor. I'm a lawyer... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are u...

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Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

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The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

10 year old told me this one at the cap I work at: "Why DIDN'T the chicken cross the road?"

"Well he tried, but the new Google car doesn't have any feelings, and well... You know..."

Edit: camp I work at

I know its not the fubniest thing ever but i thought it was pretty creative for a kid his age. The other counselor thought otherwise tho. Didn't stop me from giving him permi...

The Avengers and Deadpool....

For once, the Avengers and the Deadpool decide to team up and destroy a H.Y.D.R.A. base.

While trying to infiltrate the base they encounter a room, which leads them to a vault containing some files. Deadpool says he is the strongest, so he shall break all walls. Thor days his lightning can de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde on a plane

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN ...

(non-spoiler) Why could't Team Avengers sign Steve Rogers?

They didn't have enough cap space.

Little Johnny

One rainy day little Johnny was inside playing with his toys. He heard a loud crashing and he turned round to see what it was. It was a man with a big bushy beard, a baseball cap and a ripped suit on.
“Who are you?” Asked little Johnny
“I’m you” replied the man “you from the future”
“Oh my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times...

Did you know you can fit any boat over your head like a hat, if you just flip it over?

That's how you make it cap-sized...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

crappy pun

me: you know how sometimes caps lock locks you out of a website ,because you forgot to turn it off when typing the password
human society: ye...

Police: Why are you so drunk?

Man : Due to the situation
Police : What situation?
Man : The cap of the bottle was lost

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

Two old Irishmen

are sitting on their porch watching the people walk by. One nudges the other and points to the Rabbi going into the brothel up the street. “Such a tragedy to see a religious leader leading such a sinful life!” he exclaims.

After a while they watch the Protestant pastor also going into the s...

Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night

The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying “thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate”. The other man grateful...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tall man walks into a bar, with a tiny man standing on his shoulder.

... and orders a beer. As soon as he sits down at the counter the tiny man hops off his shoulder and starts walking around. It is just a bit taller than a pint of beer, and dressed in a sports jersey. It walks over to the guy right to him, chugs his beer in one go, bumps his fist into the guys shoul...

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

Pirate Goes Up To His Captain As They're About To Raid A Ship

The pirate says, "The cannons be ready, Cap'n!"

The Captain says, "*Are.*"

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

A man meets a nice woman online...

They quickly hit it off, so he asks her out to dinner.

They date is going well, so the man invites the woman back to his place for a night cap.

Things are escalating quickly, so the man stops and looks the woman in the eyes.

"Listen, I need to be up front with you. Before we go...

"Fetch me my red shirt..."

One fine afternoon, a merchant captain was guiding his crew across the Spanish Main when the sailor from the crow's nest called down in a panicked voice.



"Cap'n!!!" he cried, "Ship approaching from the starboard side! An' she's flying pirate colors!!!"




Calmly, the ...

A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge.

The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do ...

An Australian sergeant seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

An Australian sergeant got seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

When he arrived, most of the men were away sweeping a neighbouring region.

But a Security Patrol still guarding the base was out close by when it came under unexpected and intense attack.

All rem...

Why couldn't the computer take its hat off?

It had CAPS lock on.

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