A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.

To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51

I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.

What do you call a Mini fortune teller that broke out of prison?

A small medium at large!

A comedian takes her friend to a joke-tellers' convention...

The comedian shows her friend the sign-up list for performers, then they grab their seats. The first performer walks out onto the stage, and says:

"16!"

He gets a few chuckles.

"5679!"

The crowd starts to laugh

"227!"

The crowd is in uproar, practically dryi...

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Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her

“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.

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A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks the fortune teller what his future would look like if he became an artist.

To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large bong, takes a hit, then looks into his crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."

So the businessman asks him about his second choice,...

The robber waved a gun and warned the bank teller: "Fill up this bag with cash or else you're geography!"

"You mean history?" "Don't change the subject!"

I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snow storms ..

It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snow globe .

During an armed robbery at a bank, one teller hissed and whispered to the next teller.

"Here are the 100 bucks I owe you."

Why can't fortune tellers have children

They have glass balls

What did the fortune-teller say to the lightbulb?

"I see al bright future."

A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.

Guy: How will my future be?

FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.

Guy: So what happens aft...

Teller: Sir, you want a box for your groceries?

My dad: No, I am very much against violence, I´ll just pay for it.

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

Psychics, clairvoyants and fortune tellers are easy to buy clothes for...

Because they're all mediums

I was at the bank one day and there was an old lady having trouble with the teller. She asked if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her.

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.

Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth,...

BREAKING: Robber steals $1m from local bank, French kisses teller, flees.

He made out like a bandit, sources say.

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Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

The teller is a little taken aback by the customer's language, but does her best to be professional.

"Sir, I'm more than happy to help with that, but I'm going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business."

"Whoa, Lady, take it easy," the man says, "I just ...

Why did the medieval bank teller get fired?

He gave them no quarter

A man goes to a fortune teller's house for advice.

He knocks on the door.

"Who's there?"

He walks away, disappointed.

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

My next door neighbors are fortune tellers. They told me to turn down my television.

I told them I would find a “happy medium.”

Why was the Irish bank teller happy?

Because his capital's Dublin.

(hope this isn't a repost)

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I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.

She cancelled it, due to unforseen circumstances.

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

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I've never been a great joke teller....

I always seem to punch up the fuck line.

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”

Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”

Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
<...

A fortune teller has told me it’s my destiny to die at a coconut shy

What an awful fete that will be

I went to a fortune teller today. She said she had a headache...

So I offered her some aspirin, medium strength.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

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Why don't fortune tellers use contraceptives?

They have crystal balls and can see it coming.

have you heard of the fortune teller that went bankrubet?

She didn't see that comming

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

A fortune teller told me I'd come into big money one day.

I'm now married to my over weight wife called penny.

How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

Not sure; still waiting for one to notice it's worn out.

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I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.



"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"



Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulously.



"Y...

Sign above bank teller’s station: “To err is human,

to forgive is not bank policy.”

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please."

She looked at me, confused, and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

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An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to get his palm read.

He asks her, "so, what's my fortune?"

The fortune teller says to him, " I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news is that soon, you will meet a beautiful young girl who will find great interest in you, and she is going to steal your heart."

"That's great! What's the ba...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

A frog goes into a bank

“What can I help you with?” asks the Teller.

“I’d like to apply for a loan” says the frog.

“Oh” says the Teller “you need to speak with our Loan Officer, Miss Whack”.

The Teller leads the frog to Miss Whacks office and, informs her that the frog wants to apply for a loan. “What ...

What song do fortune tellers hate?

Que Será, Será

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shakin...

Bank tellers are always super nice to me,

Everytime I go in they say I have an outstanding balance

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

A man walks into a bank and asks to open a checking account

Bank teller: Do you want a savings account too?

Man: No.

Bank teller: Ok, just checking.

If there were lists of the best dad joke tellers...

...would they be called the Pop Charts?

A man goes to see a fortune teller.

She begins "your name is Steve", "wrong".
"Your favourite colour is green", "wrong".
"You have a dead uncle who passed away 2 years ago", "wrong".
"Your wife's name is Carol", "wrong".
"You have 2 children named John and Christian", "wrong".
"You are a painte...", "wrong".
Getting ...

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.

The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said. They go to found out what his future holds.

The fortune teller says, "Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot."

The old man says, "What did she say?"

The old woman says, "NEXT WEEK! YOU ...

Stop blaming politicians

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

An Anti-vaxxer Went to a Fortune Teller

She said to her “I want to see where my child is in 10 years.” The fortune teller then looked in her magic ball for a good while. She searched and searched but after some time she looked at the mother and said “What child?”

So I went to the bank to deposit money and the teller asked for my ID.

I said

"Wait, people wanted to put money in my bank account and you stopped them?!"

The FBI agent asked the bank teller after multiple robberies by the same guy

“Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"

Where do bad dad joke tellers get sent?

To the punitentiary.

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says.

"That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man.

"That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

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My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”

the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

The local fortune teller in my town closed her business.

I guess she didn’t see a future in it.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked ...

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

I punched a fortune teller for smiling at me...

I always like to strike a happy medium.

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank. and lines up at the first available teller.

Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in i...

A frog walks into a bank...

So, one day a frog walked into a bank. He hopped on over to a teller and quickly eyed her name tag: Patricia Waak.

Frog: Good morning, Miss Waak. Such a lovely day outside, isn't it?

*teller just stares at him, because, well, he's a FROG.*

Teller: Uh, yes. Yes it is. How can I h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convict...

Why did the bank teller change careers?

...lost too much interest...

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

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A bank teller is confronted by an ugly man..

The man says: “Will you have sex with me for 500$? I throw it on the ground and fuck you until you pick it all up.” He then shows her five 100$ bills.

The woman responds: “I’ll have to think about it, come in tomorrow and I’ll tell you my decision.”

The man leaves and the woman heads h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do dyslexics make bad joke tellers?

They always punch up the fuckline

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

My take on a classic.

Donald Trump visited a fortune teller one day. He walked in past all the mystic objects and sat down. The Teller read his palm, flipped her tarot cards, and stared into her crystal ball with a pensive look on her face. "What, what are you staring at?" The Donald asked with sweat on his brow.
<...

What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?

A non-prophet organization

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Sally's first job

Little Sally is excited that a new house is going to be built on the vacant lot next-door.

Soon she gets to see the ground dug up, a foundation laid down, and the arrival of the carpenters. They're a little rough around the edges but after a short while, Sally is over there talking with the c...

A man goes to a fortune teller

The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "

Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "

The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "

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