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Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her

“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.

A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller

Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!

Teller: Don’t you mean History?

Robber: Don’t change the subject!

BREAKING: Robber steals $1m from local bank, French kisses teller, flees.

He made out like a bandit, sources say.

What is an unusual fortune teller called?

Medium Rare

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.

Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth,...

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

Why did the medieval bank teller get fired?

He gave them no quarter

I was at the bank one day and there was an old lady having trouble with the teller. She asked if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her.

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Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

The teller is a little taken aback by the customer's language, but does her best to be professional.

"Sir, I'm more than happy to help with that, but I'm going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business."

"Whoa, Lady, take it easy," the man says, "I just ...

A fortune teller has told me it’s my destiny to die at a coconut shy

What an awful fete that will be

My next door neighbors are fortune tellers. They told me to turn down my television.

I told them I would find a “happy medium.”

What do you call a 4'11" fortune teller that has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

Why was the Irish bank teller happy?

Because his capital's Dublin.

(hope this isn't a repost)

A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”

Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”

Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

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Why don't fortune tellers use contraceptives?

They have crystal balls and can see it coming.

How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

Not sure; still waiting for one to notice it's worn out.

Sign above bank teller’s station: “To err is human,

to forgive is not bank policy.”

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I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.

She cancelled it, due to unforseen circumstances.

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
<...

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please."

She looked at me, confused, and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

I went to a fortune teller today. She said she had a headache...

So I offered her some aspirin, medium strength.

A fortune teller told me I'd come into big money one day.

I'm now married to my over weight wife called penny.

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I've never been a great joke teller....

I always seem to punch up the fuck line.

a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”

the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

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A frog goes to a fortune teller.

She says,” You will meet a beautiful girl next week who will want to know intimate things about you.”
“That’s great!” Says the frog,” Where do I meet her? The swamp? The pond?”
The fortune teller gazes into her ball,” Her biology class.”

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to get his palm read.

He asks her, "so, what's my fortune?"

The fortune teller says to him, " I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news is that soon, you will meet a beautiful young girl who will find great interest in you, and she is going to steal your heart."

"That's great! What's the ba...

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.



"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"



Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulously.



"Y...

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shakin...

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller!

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems...

Bank tellers are always super nice to me,

Everytime I go in they say I have an outstanding balance

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

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I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

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An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

If there were lists of the best dad joke tellers...

...would they be called the Pop Charts?

A Frog walks into a bank

And introduces himself to the teller, Patricia Whack. He says “Hello Mrs Whack, my name is Kermit Jagger, I am the son of Mick Jagger who is a friend of the manager at this bank. On behalf of my father, I would like to make a $1 million loan.”

Patricia says “For a loan that large we’ll need s...

An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.

The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said. They go to found out what his future holds.

The fortune teller says, "Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot."

The old man says, "What did she say?"

The old woman says, "NEXT WEEK! YOU ...

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week.

She's seen your account balance.

An Anti-vaxxer Went to a Fortune Teller

She said to her “I want to see where my child is in 10 years.” The fortune teller then looked in her magic ball for a good while. She searched and searched but after some time she looked at the mother and said “What child?”

A man goes to see a fortune teller.

She begins "your name is Steve", "wrong".
"Your favourite colour is green", "wrong".
"You have a dead uncle who passed away 2 years ago", "wrong".
"Your wife's name is Carol", "wrong".
"You have 2 children named John and Christian", "wrong".
"You are a painte...", "wrong".
Getting ...

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

The FBI agent asked the bank teller after multiple robberies by the same guy

“Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"

Where do bad dad joke tellers get sent?

To the punitentiary.

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked ...

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

So I went to the bank to deposit money and the teller asked for my ID.

I said

"Wait, people wanted to put money in my bank account and you stopped them?!"

Bank Robber : Wherr is the safe?

Teller :

Bank Robber : WTF. Where is the safe?

Teller :

Penn : He always does this.

The local fortune teller in my town closed her business.

I guess she didn’t see a future in it.

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says.

"That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man.

"That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

I punched a fortune teller for smiling at me...

I always like to strike a happy medium.

The bank robber

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealingthe robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looke...

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An Japanese man goes to exchange some cash

A Japanese man goes to the bank to exchange some Japanese money to US dollars. He receives $300 for 1000 Japanese yen. The next week he goes back and exchanges 1000 Japanese yen but received $275 in return. He asked the teller “why did I get $300 last week and $275 this week?”

The teller repl...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convict...

Why did the bank teller change careers?

...lost too much interest...

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

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A bank teller is confronted by an ugly man..

The man says: “Will you have sex with me for 500$? I throw it on the ground and fuck you until you pick it all up.” He then shows her five 100$ bills.

The woman responds: “I’ll have to think about it, come in tomorrow and I’ll tell you my decision.”

The man leaves and the woman heads h...

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank. and lines up at the first available teller.

Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in i...

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A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..

He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90.

Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?"

The teller replied "Fluctuations"

"Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man

What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?

A non-prophet organization

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

A man goes to a fortune teller

The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "

Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "

The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "

A man goes to meet a fortune teller

As he sits down she starts: "So I see, you're a father of two kids..."

"Ha, that's a bad guess", the man replies, "I'm father of three."

The fortune teller smiles: "yes, that's what YOU believe."

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Why do dyslexics make bad joke tellers?

They always punch up the fuckline

What did the dyslexic fortune teller say to Tupac?

You’re caput!

A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her

Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.

Why are dragons such good story tellers?

Because they have long tails

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A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank and said to the teller, “I wanna open a fucking checking account.”

“Certainly, sir,” answered the teller, “but there’s no need to use that kind of language.”
“Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account,” growled the would-be customer.

“I’ll be glad to be of service, sir,” said the teller, flushing slightly, “but I would appre...

Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.

While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerv...

I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...

I guess it's just dusty knee

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Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said

"You'll never have any more children." ...Then the fucking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.

"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

There was this ancient story teller...

One of his stories was about a Kingdom that was having a lot of crime so the King said, "Whoever comes up with a solution that works will be greatly rewarded."

Many tried but their solutions did not work until this Old Man said he had the solution.

He asked to tear down all the jails...

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