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A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the wi...

How do fortune tellers greet each other?

You’re good, how am I?

Bank tellers are always super nice to me,

Everytime I go in they say I have an outstanding balance

I used to be a teller at a bank

Until a customer asked me to check their balance, so I pushed them over.

A frog goes to a fortune teller to get his palm read.

He asks her, "so, what's my fortune?"

The fortune teller says to him, " I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news is that soon, you will meet a beautiful young girl who will find great interest in you, and she is going to steal your heart."

"That's great! What's the ba...

What song do fortune tellers hate?

Que Será, Será

If there were lists of the best dad joke tellers...

...would they be called the Pop Charts?

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week.

She's seen your account balance.

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.



"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"



Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulously.



"Y...

A man goes to see a fortune teller.

She begins "your name is Steve", "wrong".
"Your favourite colour is green", "wrong".
"You have a dead uncle who passed away 2 years ago", "wrong".
"Your wife's name is Carol", "wrong".
"You have 2 children named John and Christian", "wrong".
"You are a painte...", "wrong".
Getting ...

I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

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I've never been a great joke teller....

I always seem to punch up the fuck line.

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

An Anti-vaxxer Went to a Fortune Teller

She said to her “I want to see where my child is in 10 years.” The fortune teller then looked in her magic ball for a good while. She searched and searched but after some time she looked at the mother and said “What child?”

Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her....

"On what day will I die?" The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?" Demanded Hitler.

"Any day" she replied "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

The FBI agent asked the bank teller after multiple robberies by the same guy

“Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"

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I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked ...

Where do bad dad joke tellers get sent?

To the punitentiary.

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

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An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know. They haven't admitted that it's worn out yet.

A man tries to rob a bank

Man: "Where is the money!"

Teller:

Man: "Where is the money!"

Teller:

Penn: "He always does this."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank man...

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

I punched a fortune teller for smiling at me...

I always like to strike a happy medium.

An old lady went to a bank...

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The tell...

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says.

"That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man.

"That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

The local fortune teller in my town closed her business.

I guess she didn’t see a future in it.

So I went to the bank to deposit money and the teller asked for my ID.

I said

"Wait, people wanted to put money in my bank account and you stopped them?!"

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convict...

A man goes to a fortune teller...

and asks if she can tell him whether there are golf courses in heaven. She peers into her crystal ball for a moment and then says, "I have good news and bad news. There are golf courses in heaven and they are beautiful beyond compare. The bad news is you'll be teeing off tomorrow at 8 A.M."

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

Why did the bank teller change careers?

...lost too much interest...

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

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A bank teller is confronted by an ugly man..

The man says: “Will you have sex with me for 500$? I throw it on the ground and fuck you until you pick it all up.” He then shows her five 100$ bills.

The woman responds: “I’ll have to think about it, come in tomorrow and I’ll tell you my decision.”

The man leaves and the woman heads h...

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?

A non-prophet organization

A man goes to a fortune teller

The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "

Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "

The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "

A man goes to meet a fortune teller

As he sits down she starts: "So I see, you're a father of two kids..."

"Ha, that's a bad guess", the man replies, "I'm father of three."

The fortune teller smiles: "yes, that's what YOU believe."

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

What did the dyslexic fortune teller say to Tupac?

You’re caput!

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I kn...

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her

Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.

Why are dragons such good story tellers?

Because they have long tails

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Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said

"You'll never have any more children." ...Then the fucking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...

I guess it's just dusty knee

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A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.

He yells "This is a fuck-up!"

Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?"

The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.

There was this ancient story teller...

One of his stories was about a Kingdom that was having a lot of crime so the King said, "Whoever comes up with a solution that works will be greatly rewarded."

Many tried but their solutions did not work until this Old Man said he had the solution.

He asked to tear down all the jails...

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A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank and said to the teller, “I wanna open a fucking checking account.”

“Certainly, sir,” answered the teller, “but there’s no need to use that kind of language.”
“Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account,” growled the would-be customer.

“I’ll be glad to be of service, sir,” said the teller, flushing slightly, “but I would appre...

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Why do dyslexics make bad joke tellers?

They always punch up the fuckline

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.

"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

Why are atoms bad story tellers?

Even though they are great at making things up, they always ending up Bohring me to death

A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.

“Hey, I have a joke for you,” she says.

The boy shrugs. “Ok.”

The fortune teller smiles.

“Cancer,” she says.

“Cancer?” the boy asks. He frowns. “If that’s your joke, I don’t get it.”

“Don’t worry,” the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, “You will when...

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How do you know if a fortune-teller is shit?

You knock on her door and she shouts "Who is it?".

Joke tellers, I need your help! Writing a salutatorian speech, and I want it to be kind of funny.

I'm not entirely humorous, but I do only have a limited amount of time to do this in. I need some jokes about graduation that will get the crowd laughing somewhat. Nothing too dirty, etc., but humor is necessary. Sorry if this isn't the right place for this, thank you!

What size clothes do fortune tellers wear?

Medium.

Misfortune Teller

Three men are traveling the world and happen upon a fortune teller. Once they enter, the fortune teller tells them each to take a seat. Before than can ask her any questions, she tells them that they will each learn how they will die. Intrigued, they decide to stay.

The fortune teller leaves ...

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A chaste wife went to a pet store...

... to buy her husband a pet for their anniversary. All of the pedigree animals were too expensive and she began to pout, visibly. One of the store's tellers asked what was wrong and she explained her circumstances.

“Well... we have a specially trained frog for $24.99”, he said.

She ex...

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How old am I

One day a 55 year old woman decides to get plastic surgery. Everything goes great and she looks amazing. So one day she goes to the bank and asks the teller "How old do you think I am?"
The bank teller says " I don't know, about 32?"
The woman laughs and say "Nope I'm 55"
Feeling really goo...

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A man walks up to a teller in a bank...

"Can I help you, sir?"

"Yeah, I want to open a fucking checking account."

"Sir, you don’t need to use that kind of language."

"I just wanna open a fucking checking account!"

"Sir, please stop that, or I will get my manager."

"Why don't you just help me open a fucki...

An electrician goes to a fortune teller.

When he arrives, the fortune teller says
"Look into this crystal ball and you will see how you die". When the electrician looks into the ball, he couldn't believe what he saw. He was shocked.

What did the teller say to a business owner who drops all of his checks

At least they didn't bounce!

2 fortune tellers are talking about the weather.

The first one says it's going to be a hot winter. The second one replies "Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2093."

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I had to attend a seminar for psychics and fortune-tellers.

Unfortunately, it has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Did you hear about the fortune teller that cheated at cards?

I guess that's how the tarotists win.

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Fortune teller told me that I will be fucked by a beautiful lady today, and damn he was right

a pretty mail lady just handed me over an audit letter from IRS.

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In line at the bank the old asian lady in front of me got in an argument with the teller. . .

"last week I bring 200 dolla, you give me 100 yen. This week I bring 200 dolla you only give me 80 yen! Why?"
The teller said "fluctuations"
"yeah, well fuck you white people too!"

Why did the communist grab the fortune teller?

He wanted to seize the means of prediction.

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