How do fortune tellers greet each other?

You’re good, how am I?

You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week.

She's seen your account balance.

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.

​

"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"

​

Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulo...

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

A man goes to see a fortune teller.

She begins "your name is Steve", "wrong".
"Your favourite colour is green", "wrong".
"You have a dead uncle who passed away 2 years ago", "wrong".
"Your wife's name is Carol", "wrong".
"You have 2 children named John and Christian", "wrong".
"You are a painte...", "wrong".
Getting ...

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

On my first day as a bank teller, a woman told me to check her balance..

So I pushed her

A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked ...

The FBI agent asked the bank teller after multiple robberies by the same guy

“Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"

Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her....

"On what day will I die?" The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?" Demanded Hitler.

"Any day" she replied "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday."

Where do bad dad joke tellers get sent?

To the punitentiary.

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I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

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An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

A man tries to rob a bank

Man: "Where is the money!"

Teller:

Man: "Where is the money!"

Teller:

Penn: "He always does this."

The local fortune teller in my town closed her business.

I guess she didn’t see a future in it.

Did you hear about the colour-blind fortune teller?

He could only see the fuchsia

How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know. They haven't admitted that it's worn out yet.

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This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:

Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T: "Sir, you leave me no choic...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank man...

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says.

"That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man.

"That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

An old lady went to a bank...

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The tell...

I punched a fortune teller for smiling at me...

I always like to strike a happy medium.

So I went to the bank to deposit money and the teller asked for my ID.

I said

"Wait, people wanted to put money in my bank account and you stopped them?!"

Why did the bank teller change careers?

...lost too much interest...

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convict...

The Notorious B.I.G. once hosted a house party featuring a giant fortune teller

It was a large medium at Small's.

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you a...

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A bank teller is confronted by an ugly man..

The man says: “Will you have sex with me for 500$? I throw it on the ground and fuck you until you pick it all up.” He then shows her five 100$ bills.

The woman responds: “I’ll have to think about it, come in tomorrow and I’ll tell you my decision.”

The man leaves and the woman heads h...

What do you call a fat fortune teller?

A four chin teller

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

A man goes to a fortune teller

The fortune teller: " I foresee 8 years of bad luck "

Guy: " Ouuuf! and after that? things get better? "

The fortune teller: " No, you just get used to it "

What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?

A non-prophet organization

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank. and lines up at the first available teller.

Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in i...

A man goes to meet a fortune teller

As he sits down she starts: "So I see, you're a father of two kids..."

"Ha, that's a bad guess", the man replies, "I'm father of three."

The fortune teller smiles: "yes, that's what YOU believe."

What did the dyslexic fortune teller say to Tupac?

You’re caput!

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I kn...

Why are dragons such good story tellers?

Because they have long tails

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Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said

"You'll never have any more children." ...Then the fucking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

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Why do dyslexics make bad joke tellers?

They always punch up the fuckline

I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...

I guess it's just dusty knee

Ever since I was young, I wanted to be a fortune teller

But now I don't really see it in my future

A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her

Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.

There was this ancient story teller...

One of his stories was about a Kingdom that was having a lot of crime so the King said, "Whoever comes up with a solution that works will be greatly rewarded."

Many tried but their solutions did not work until this Old Man said he had the solution.

He asked to tear down all the jails...

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A rather scruffy-looking man came into a bank and said to the teller, “I wanna open a fucking checking account.”

“Certainly, sir,” answered the teller, “but there’s no need to use that kind of language.”
“Couldja move it along lady? I just wanna open a fucking checking account,” growled the would-be customer.

“I’ll be glad to be of service, sir,” said the teller, flushing slightly, “but I would appre...

Why are atoms bad story tellers?

Even though they are great at making things up, they always ending up Bohring me to death

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.

He yells "This is a fuck-up!"

Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?"

The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.

A fortune teller walks up to a boy on the street.

“Hey, I have a joke for you,” she says.

The boy shrugs. “Ok.”

The fortune teller smiles.

“Cancer,” she says.

“Cancer?” the boy asks. He frowns. “If that’s your joke, I don’t get it.”

“Don’t worry,” the fortune teller says, and starts to walk away, “You will when...

Misfortune Teller

Three men are traveling the world and happen upon a fortune teller. Once they enter, the fortune teller tells them each to take a seat. Before than can ask her any questions, she tells them that they will each learn how they will die. Intrigued, they decide to stay.

The fortune teller leaves ...

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.

"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

Joke tellers, I need your help! Writing a salutatorian speech, and I want it to be kind of funny.

I'm not entirely humorous, but I do only have a limited amount of time to do this in. I need some jokes about graduation that will get the crowd laughing somewhat. Nothing too dirty, etc., but humor is necessary. Sorry if this isn't the right place for this, thank you!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you know if a fortune-teller is shit?

You knock on her door and she shouts "Who is it?".

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A man walks up to a teller in a bank...

"Can I help you, sir?"

"Yeah, I want to open a fucking checking account."

"Sir, you don’t need to use that kind of language."

"I just wanna open a fucking checking account!"

"Sir, please stop that, or I will get my manager."

"Why don't you just help me open a fucki...

What size clothes do fortune tellers wear?

Medium.

2 fortune tellers are talking about the weather.

The first one says it's going to be a hot winter. The second one replies "Yes, reminds me of the summer of 2093."

An electrician goes to a fortune teller.

When he arrives, the fortune teller says
"Look into this crystal ball and you will see how you die". When the electrician looks into the ball, he couldn't believe what he saw. He was shocked.

What did the teller say to a business owner who drops all of his checks

At least they didn't bounce!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In line at the bank the old asian lady in front of me got in an argument with the teller. . .

"last week I bring 200 dolla, you give me 100 yen. This week I bring 200 dolla you only give me 80 yen! Why?"
The teller said "fluctuations"
"yeah, well fuck you white people too!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How old am I

One day a 55 year old woman decides to get plastic surgery. Everything goes great and she looks amazing. So one day she goes to the bank and asks the teller "How old do you think I am?"
The bank teller says " I don't know, about 32?"
The woman laughs and say "Nope I'm 55"
Feeling really goo...

Did you hear about the fortune teller that cheated at cards?

I guess that's how the tarotists win.

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A chaste wife went to a pet store...

... to buy her husband a pet for their anniversary. All of the pedigree animals were too expensive and she began to pout, visibly. One of the store's tellers asked what was wrong and she explained her circumstances.

“Well... we have a specially trained frog for $24.99”, he said.

She ex...

Why did the communist grab the fortune teller?

He wanted to seize the means of prediction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had to attend a seminar for psychics and fortune-tellers.

Unfortunately, it has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.

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Fortune teller told me that I will be fucked by a beautiful lady today, and damn he was right

a pretty mail lady just handed me over an audit letter from IRS.

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I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in.

I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in. She comes to the counter with a small stack of ten-thousand yen notes. "Hi, can I help you?" I said. "Yeah, How much American dorrah I can get for hundred thousand Japanese yen?" she asks. Looking up the information on the ever-cha...

Why did the phosphorus atom go to the fortune teller?

To find out his phos-fate!

BREAKING: A Tiny Fortune Teller Has Robbed a Bank And Is Now On The Loose!

The headline reads: Small Medium At Large!

I noticed a bank teller having trouble counting coins

so i bumped into his desk and knocked some cents into him.