UPJOKE
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Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

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A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?

She said sorry, we only have mediums

Putin consulted with a fortune teller

The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian holiday.

Putin asks: "Which one?”

To which the fortune teller responded, “Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian holiday!”

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.

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A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang!  The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

Putin goes to the fortune-teller.

"I see the future!" says the fortune-teller. "You will die on a national holiday in Ukraine!"

"Which one?" the Russian leader asks in shock.

"It doesn't matter when you die, that day will be a national holiday in Ukraine!"

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A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

A man asks a fortune teller what Heaven is like.

The fortune teller gazes into her crystal ball and says "Hmmm, I see good news and bad news. The good news is that Heaven has many golf courses and they are all incredibly beautiful".

"Great!" says the man. "What's the bad news?"

"You have an 8:30 tee time tomorrow morning".

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So a Russian soldiers goes to a fortune-teller in a captured city...

The fortune teller asks him what he'd like to know about. He thinks for a moment, and says:

—Can you tell me, on which day will Putin die?
—Of course! *shuffles cards* I can see it... *lays cards on the table* I can see it quite clearly... Putin will die on a major Ukrainian holiday. ...

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What happened to the bank teller that masterbaited in the vault?

He came into a lot of money

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A frog hops into a bank and goes up to a teller.

He notices the tellers name is Patricia Whack. So he decides to ask her
"HI Ms. Whack. My name is Kermit and i would like a $50,000 loan for a vacation".

The teller is taken aback and asks "who are you and why would we give you a loan?"

The frog says "Dont worry my father is Mick Ja...

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Hitler went to a fortune teller.

He asked the fortuneteller on which day he will die. The fortuneteller said “you will die on a Jewish holiday.” Hitler said “how can you be sure of that??”. She said “any day on which you die, will be a Jewish holiday.”

Some folks like fortune-tellers who warn of dangers. Some like to find fortune-tellers who keep emotions out of the readings. What do I want?

I prefer a happy medium.

Jennifer and the Fortune teller.

During a recent outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered the grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a viole...

Why are geckos natural-born story tellers?

Dropping a tail is in their nature.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

Trump comes to the fortune teller

Trump comes to the fortune teller and asks how she sees his future.
She looks into the crystal ball and says:
You are travelling down the Constitution Ave. On both sides are cheering and happy crowds with flags and flowers...Go on, tell me more! Jumps Trump.
Everyone is happy, people are ...

My fortune teller told me that there is a man dating my girlfriend and that he is coming to kill me.

I was devastated to hear that she was cheating on me so I killed myself.

Fortune teller knows it all

A fortune teller to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”


The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”


The fortune teller, “That’s what you think.”

a man wants to see a fortune teller

A man wants to see a fortune teller, but then he doubts her special powers, so he turns away and goes home.

Later that evening he got a text message:

"What a shame"

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

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Man goes to a fortune teller

Fortune teller read his palm, look into a crystal ball, consult cards and then says:

"I'm sorry, but however I'm looking, all I get is, that you will be responsible for death of millions and millions of people."

Distraught man then thinks he can't live with that knowledge, so he decide...

Two fortune tellers meet each other.

One of them says:

"Hello! Your day was fine. How about mine?"

I was in the store and the teller had a shirt with figure eight knots printed on it…

I told her, “That’s a very knotty shirt you have on”.

I don’t know what was more classic, the look on her face or my son when he screamed, “Dad!” As I just pointed at the shirt.

"Comrade Stalin! A fortune-teller has come to visit you!"

"Execute him. If he were a real fortune-teller, he wouldn't have come."

What happened when the Bank teller went crazy?

All I got was non cents.

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The Little Girl & The Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construct...

I could be a great fortune teller.

But something tells me I have no future in it.

My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51

I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.

Logic of a Boy:

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?

Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too… and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What...

An old woman walks into a bank and asks the teller to check her balance.

So he pushed her over

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

I asked a fortune teller the name of my future wife.

I have no idea what kind of name is "Yorhand". Sounds Swedish though.

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I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the bitch stabbed my hand.

A fortune teller told me that someone is going to post this again tomorrow

So I proved her wrong and posted it today lol sorry man I ruined your joke

The police are looking for a fortune teller with dwarfism.

The small medium is at large.

Why can't fortune tellers have children

They have glass balls

Treadmill joke.

So, I wake up early, drink some energy drinks and ride my treadmill to stay healthy. I'm feeling very confident with my workout and put in more time, running harder and for longer. Eventually I want to continue my success onto the rowing machine and so I start to wrap up, looking to the little scree...

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A frog goes to a fortune teller

A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks him to tell about his future.

Teller: You will encounter a very beautiful girl in your life and you will lose your heart to her.

Frog: (Being excited) Where will I meet her ?

Teller: In a biology class.

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A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks the fortune teller what his future would look like if he became an artist.

To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large bong, takes a hit, then looks into his crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."

So the businessman asks him about his second choice,...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank man...

A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.

Guy: How will my future be?

FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.

Guy: So what happens aft...

American meets reputable Chinese fortune teller

"You must be the 'wise man' I was told about. I've been seeking you and your mysticism."

"I am he. After speaking to the locals in order to find my location, you should know by now that I am never wrong."

"Of course! Where are my manners?.. Hello Never Wrong, you should know by now tha...

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An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

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I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

A man decided to visit a fortune teller...

After looking into his hand and into the crystal ball, the fortune teller says in a dramatic tone:

“You sir, will be responsible for the death of millions”

Shocked and taken aback, the man goes back to his home. Along the way, he passes near a river and sees a small boy drowning helple...

I was at the bank one day and there was an old lady having trouble with the teller. She asked if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her.

I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snow storms ..

It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snow globe .

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.



"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"



Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulously.



"Y...

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you a...

During an armed robbery at a bank, one teller hissed and whispered to the next teller.

"Here are the 100 bucks I owe you."

My Irish stepfather was a master story teller. He told the Wembley joke differently than what I've seen online.

Excuse me, is this Wembley?
No it's Thursday.
So am I let's have one.

He paid particular attention to the beat changes in this story. At the end of each line (the beat) he would change voices. Each line was a different voice/character. He told the story as if it was a fast paced con...

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I've never been a great joke teller....

I always seem to punch up the fuck line.

Patient..

Patient: ‘Doctor, I think I need glasses.’ Teller: ‘You certainly do! This is a bank.’

“Show me where the money is!”, yelled the bank robber.

Teller: “...........”.

Robber: *waving his gun* “Tell me where the money is or I’ll shoot!”

Teller: “...........”.

Penn: “He always does this”.

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”

Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”

Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

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Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

The teller is a little taken aback by the customer's language, but does her best to be professional.

"Sir, I'm more than happy to help with that, but I'm going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business."

"Whoa, Lady, take it easy," the man says, "I just ...

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I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.

She cancelled it, due to unforseen circumstances.

A comedian takes her friend to a joke-tellers' convention...

The comedian shows her friend the sign-up list for performers, then they grab their seats. The first performer walks out onto the stage, and says:

"16!"

He gets a few chuckles.

"5679!"

The crowd starts to laugh

"227!"

The crowd is in uproar, practically dryi...

How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know. They haven't admitted that it's worn out yet.

A man goes to a fortune teller to see his future.

The fortune teller says: "Oh, I see that on Friday, your wife will die."
"I already know that," replies the man, "what I need to know is whether I will be arrested..."

A man enters (not a bar) a bank...

... in Switzerland. "Shhh" he whispers, "I want to open an account with one million Dollars!"

"No need to whisper" says the teller, "poverty is no reason for shame in Switzerland".

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

A man goes to a fortune teller's house for advice.

He knocks on the door.

"Who's there?"

He walks away, disappointed.

Why was the Irish bank teller happy?

Because his capital's Dublin.

(hope this isn't a repost)

Teller: Sir, you want a box for your groceries?

My dad: No, I am very much against violence, I´ll just pay for it.

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I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation
He then looked around the bank and noticed ...

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

I went to a fortune teller today. She said she had a headache...

So I offered her some aspirin, medium strength.

A fortune teller told me I'd come into big money one day.

I'm now married to my over weight wife called penny.

I recently began selling faulty jetpacks to fortune tellers.

Prophets are flying through the roof.

BREAKING: Robber steals $1m from local bank, French kisses teller, flees.

He made out like a bandit, sources say.

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Why do dyslexics make bad joke tellers?

They always punch up the fuckline

Why did the medieval bank teller get fired?

He gave them no quarter

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A frog walks into a bank...

And is greeted by Patricia Wack, the bank teller. He hops onto the counter, and asks to open a line of credit with their bank, requesting 150 thousand dollars.

Taken aback, Ms. Wack says "Well....uh...do you have collateral?" and very slowly and calmly, the frog pulls out a small porcelain p...

My next door neighbors are fortune tellers. They told me to turn down my television.

I told them I would find a “happy medium.”

Sign above bank teller’s station: “To err is human,

to forgive is not bank policy.”

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please."

She looked at me, confused, and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

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Why don't fortune tellers use contraceptives?

They have crystal balls and can see it coming.

A man walks into a bank

He goes straight to the teller and says "tell me something...". The teller says "yes, what would you like to know". The man replies "I don't know, you're the teller"

What song do fortune tellers hate?

Que Será, Será

A woman goes to a fortune teller

A woman goes to a fortune teller to have her fortune read. The old fortune teller looks through her crystal ball and then gasps with horror. She says "By the next full moon your husband shall be dead!"

The woman looking disappointed says "I already know that part. Tell me if I'll get convict...

Why did the bank teller change careers?

...lost too much interest...

I went to a fortune teller and asked if her if there were any problems specific to the job.

Fortune teller: Yes, PTSD.

Me: That’s common across a lot of professions.

Fortune teller: No, pre traumatic stress disorder.

I went to a fortune teller for a haircut.

I got crystal bald.

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