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Roadside Jokes

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

A big bus stops at a roadside eatery.

The passengers flood inside the eatery and as they take their respective seats the driver calls the manager aside and explains, "Look sir, we're from the mental asylum down the road. I'm taking the inmates for a ride. When they're done eating they will insist on paying with bottle caps like they do ...

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

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A policeman is at the roadside, looking at passing cars.

Suddenly he sees one approaching. Without warning, he whistles, signals for it to stop,then pulls out his gun and fires a shot in the air.

At once, the car stops. The policeman approaches it. Inside, a snow-pale driver is sitting.

\- What... officer... what did I do? I could swear I've...

Seven construction men are all workings​ at the roadside...

That's the joke...

I passed by a roadside stand that said "lobster tails: $2"

So I stopped, paid my $2 and the man said,

"Once upon a time, there was a lobster..."

A roadside cafe sells ham sandwiches and handjobs

The sign reads “Ham Sandwiches: $3, Handjobs: $10”.

An elderly woman is standing behind the counter. A customer walks up and says, “Are you the one that gives the handjobs?”

“Yes I am!” she replies.

“Well, wash your goddamn hands, I want a ham sandwich!”

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside,

one asks the other: Shall we cross?

His friend replies: No way, look what happened to that zebra.

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Roadside cheeky-ness

A woman was stuck in a ditch and called a tow truck for help.

The truck arrives and the driver sticks his head out the window and says “Ma’am you are the third freshly fucked lady I’ve pulled out of a ditch today.“

“I am CERTAINLY not “freshly fucked!““ the woman replies indignantly.<...

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

I called OnStar for roadside assistance yesterday

I told the lady I was stranded on the side of the road.

She said, "At least you have a shoulder to cry on."

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

Three motorcycle riders walk into roadside restaurant...

A middle aged man sits inside and eats his dinner.

The first rider went to the man and burned out his cigarette on his plate.

The second rider spitted into his milk.

Finally, the third rider dropped his lunch on the floor and stepped on it.


Without saying a word, the ...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where...

A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by

A chicken walks up and says, "don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Bought some corn from a roadside pirate.

It was a buccaneer.

I remember in America seeing this old hobo sitting at the roadside singing...

He was playing Give a Little Bit. I said that’s Supertramp. He said thank you very much sir.

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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep on the roadside...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep on the roadside when two young women walk past. One of them sees him and says to her friend:

"I wonder if it's true that Scots don't wear anything under their kilts?"

Since the other is curious, too, they go to the Scotsmen and, after making sure he wouldn'...

Some couple was getting a little frisky behind the wheel of an Altima on a slick street, lost control and went slightly off the road, hit a tree with the front end and needed to call an ambulance and roadside assistance.

A classic case of Head, Shoulder, Nissan Tows, Ice, ERs, Mouth and Nose.

Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.

Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".



....I'll see myself out now.

A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.

Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering. The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator. He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator's mouth. Snap! The...

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3 men visit Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. The men are greeted by god who explains to them that heaven is very large and they will need cars to get around. The car they are given is based on each mans faithfulness to his wife while living. The first man was married 25 years and cheated on his wife 30 times, he is ...

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to
retur...

What I learned from small crosses placed along the roadside with flowers.

Christians are horrible drivers.

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Two women are sitting at a roadside cafe when a muscle car roars by.

"Looks like someone's compensating for something," the first woman says.

"What do you mean?" her friend asks.

"Well, you know what they say," she replies. "A guy with a big car is making up for his other... shortcomings."

The second woman looks puzzled, and says, "You mean sex? ...

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I broke down on the freeway and roadside rescue came and helped me out.. "What's wrong with it? i asked" "Shit in the gas tank" he said..

"How often do i have to do that?" i said..

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

A duck was standing by the roadside waiting for a break in traffic so it could cross.

It watched the vehicles zooming past, seemingly uncaring of its plight. Just when the mayhem started to lull a chicken walked up and said "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it"

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

Today I saw two dogs make hot streamy love on the roadside.

It's really hurtful to see your ex moving on so quickly.

I have an EpiPen

A man lying on the roadside gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

A man is driving at night in the rain.

And then the car suddenly stop working. The man starts to get nervous, and then he sees something getting out of the woods in the roadside.

Then he hears a knock in the window. There is a dog, a german shepherd.

"Open the hood", says the dog. The man freezes and do nothing.

"Ope...

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Sex is like Kebab. When it's good, it's really good...

...and when I'm drunk I'm willing to pay for it in a roadside turkish buffet.

Two Ukrainian spies have infiltrated into Moscow and have set up for their plot to kill Vladimir Putin.

They are laying in wait for Putin's private car to pass by, having planted a roadside bomb.

One says to the other, "He is supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. Is everything ready?".


"Yes."

An hour later, no car has passed by.


"Are you sure you got the time right?"...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

What do you call "hamburger helper" for road kill?

"Roadside Assistance"

Lobster Tails

A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"

The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.

"Ar...

It does not matter how many times you fall down, what matters is how many times you get back up

Unfortunately the officer did not appreciate my grit during the roadside sobriety test.

Alligator Shoes. (Long)

A Blonde woman walked into a small Louisiana shoe store, and looked around at all of the footwear on display. After a few moments, a salesman walked over to her, and politely asked “Can I help you, ma’am?”

“Yes,” the blonde woman replied, “I’m interested in these alligator leather shoes.” Sh...

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A truck full of chickens

A man drives with his truck through a long desert-like area.
His truck carries a load of living chickens and his only companion is his speaking parrot.

On day there is a beautiful young woman on the roadside trying to hitchhike.

He stops and asks what happend and why she is out here...

Sunday school

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Charles was a little boy...

Charles was a little boy, all alone in the big city, with no roof over head, and no money at all.

Seeing him begging at the roadside, a merchant took pity on him. So he treated Charles to a nice lunch in a nearby inn, and paid for him to take a bath at the bathhouse.

It was afternoon, ...

Determination

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

I got it for my wife.

A man is heading home from work one day and stops to buy his wife a bottle of wine, as it was their wedding anniversary. As he's heading home from the store, he sees an old native American man walking on the roadside carrying a gas can.

He stops and offers a ride, which the old man gladly ac...

My car broke down in the middle of nowhere.

Luckily I found a loot box on the roadside!

Old Biker

Gruff old biker walks into a roadside dive.
Sign behind the bar says Beer $2.50
Cheeseburger $4.00
Hand-job $12.00
Biker motions for the lady working the counter to come over.
(Biker) "You the one giving hand-jobs?"
(Lady behind bar) "I sure am."
(Biker) "Well wash your hands, I...

Watermelons

A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell. At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left and he isn't looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning. He comes up wi...

Did you know that Princess Diana was on her cell phone when she died?

She was also on the dashboard, the windscreen, the roadside...

One of my all-time favourites

A deer sees a crying bunny, sitting by the road.
When asked what is wrong, the bunny said "The bear asked me if I fuzz, I said that I don't and he used me sa his toilet paper".

Some days later, the deer sees the same bunny at the roadside, laughing histerically.

"Glad to see yo...

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George and the Dragon

A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and...

Super fast Nano

A tata nano breaks down on a roadside. A BMW 750Li stops to help the driver.

"I will tow you to the next service station, but if I drive too fast please flash your lights."

They start up slowly but only a km or so down the line a Porsche speeds pas 150km/hour.

The BMW driver tot...

Police responded to a call outside the Playboy mansion.

Mr. Hefner called the police to remove a group of monks selling daisies out of an illegal roadside stand in front of the Playboy mansion. A police spokesperson released a statement "we responded promptly to Mr. Hefner's call because as everybody knows, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

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A tourist is driving through the Australian outback

He turns a corner to see a guy having sex with a sheep on the roadside

Disgusted and shocked he sees a pub up the road and calls in.

As he enters he sees a one legged Australian masturbating against the bar.

"Dear God" he says to the barman.."This country is disgusting"
...

The grade three teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence and little johnny put's up his hand...

"Yes Johnny?"

"Well miss, my dad actually used that word on the weekend. We were driving out in the countryside when we got stuck behind a pumpkin truck full of pumpkins. When my dad tried to pass him he sped up, so when we got to a roadside diner we stopped for lunch.

"Later on, we fo...

A man is out driving his Lada when it brakes down on the autobahn

Soon afterwards a porsche pulls up behind the Lada, "do you want a tow?" The porsche driver offers.
"Yes please" exclaims the Lada driver "I will put on my indicators if I think you are going too fast"
The porsche driver agrees and sets off towing the Lada,
After about half an hour a Lambor...

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

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Abomination!

A recently ordained Irish priest was traveling to his new parish. As he drove down the lane, he saw a man in a ditch screwing a sheep. The young priest shuddered, offering a prayer, and crossed himself.

A few miles down the road he saw another man in the fields also boffing a sheep. Appalled ...

Zoology: On the feeding behaviour of birds.

I read an article a few years ago about the Massachusetts highway department getting an increased number of complaints about dead crows by the highways.

The state consulted behavioural experts, and performed autopsies of some of the dead birds and determined that they were scavenging by the r...

Oooo, that smell (LONG)

A load of chickens in their pickup bed, Sven and Tina are enjoying a quiet ride to the market when Sven accidentally runs over a skunk.

"Oh Sven, you've gotta stop," Tina says. "That was a momma skunk, and her babies are crying by the roadside."

Sven mumbles under his breath, but smile...

You know you're Taliban if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think...

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Damn Tourists...

A guy's driving down in the Florida Keys. He see a little roadside stand and pulls over because he's feeling hungry. He gets out and sees a sign: "CONCH SALAD $5. GROUPER SANDWICH $10. HAND JOB $15. There's an attractive girl in a skimpy bikini standing behind the wooden counter, smiling seductively...

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A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

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So an old British gentlemen visits Ireland and remembers the good old days when he was posted there..

* He orders tea from a roadside cafe and sees a young irish guy sticking his finger in the cup while he brings him the tea.
* He takes the tea and while sipping it talks to the boy.. when will you bloody learn some manners , this is not how you hold a cup of tea.
* Young boy: Sorry sir, i hurt...

A penguin is driving along one day...

...when all of a sudden his car breaks down. He calls roadside assistance who on first inspection tell him it might be a while. So the penguin wanders off to get himself an ice-cream. Slowly walking back to the car, the penguin is absolutely loving his ice-cream, so much so that he doesn't notice he...

Motorist help. (Long)

A man is standing on a Texas roadside with his broken VW Beetle.

A man in a Lamborghini pulls over and offers to help him. The Beetle owner agrees, and the guy from the Lambo tells him to flash his high beams if they are going too fast.

So they go. At some point, the Lambo+Beetle comb...

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New-age alcohol test

A driver gets stopped by a cop.

Cop: "I'm gonna have to give you an alcohol test, but I forgot to bring the piss testers, so we'll just try something different."

Driver: "Fine by me."

Cop: "Imagine you're driving at night and you're seeing one headlight coming your way. What is ...

The Alligator Trick

A family from (a redneck town of your choice) was traveling to Florida on vacation. They saw a store on the roadside that advertised Alligator Shows. They stopped and waited for the next show. The Alligator trainer started the show by tapping the Alligator on the head with a stick and the Alligator ...

Another penguin joke

This was my grandpa's favorite joke, I had to share it here.

A penguin was driving down a desert freeway during a very hot summer. The penguin didn't mind the heat outside, because it had fantastic air conditioning in its car.

...until its car broke down. Luckily, there was a pay...

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The Magic Penis

A salesman was preparing to go on a long trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The clerk said, 'Well, I
don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many
weeks, except... the Magic ...

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar in his squad car on the weekends to get an easy catch on the drunk drivers. This particular night on his early patrols he passes a large group of regulars walking into the bar. He makes a mental note to come back and wait. A few hours later the officer pull...

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