Checkpoint Jokes

Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.

"Eh, what are ya, protestant or catholic?"

Man: "I'm jewish!"

Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard)

"Jewish catholic or jewish protestant?"

The policeman stops them: "You do realise you are breaking the law" he tells the driver.

Driver: "how so?"

Policeman: "what car are you driving?"

Driver: "An Audi Quattro, its very nice"

Policeman: "And there are currently 5 people in this car, correct?"

Driver: "... read more

Soldiers inform her that she can't cross the bridge because it was destroyed. "Destroyed how? I can plainly see it and there is nothing wrong with it." "No, no, ma'am" explains the soldier. "According to the exercise scenario this bridge was destroyed yesterday and we can't let anybody cross." "But ... read more

The TSA guy looked at my driver's license, looked at me, and looked at his my driver's license again. He started to turn to get his supervisor. I said "if you want, I'll put my glasses on, I have them with me." He looked bewildered, but he cleared me through all by himself.

Now I understa... read more

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a few bottles of Budweiser

Bubba, said "Slow down, Earl, a Police checkpoint is ahead!!

There was quite a few vehicles in front of them so Earl said, "Don't worry, Bubba, "We'll just pull over and finish drinking these beers, peel o... read more

The first man walks up to god, who is reading the summary of his deeds before deciding which vehicle he is to use to drive to heavens gates with.

"I see you were quite unfaithful with your wife, cheating on her a total of three times." The man looks down in shame. "You are to drive up to heav... read more

A man gets to a border checkpoint, and is stopped. The officer asks him some standard questions, looks at his ID, and then requests to take a quick look in his car.

The officer is extremely confused when he finds sawdust in the trunk, and thinks he must be hiding something in the sawdust. He... read more

Little did they know about my ego and superego.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.



One week later, Jim stops the same driver. O... read more

Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies in disbelieve. "Look ... read more

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

“What did you... read more

When they ran into a family of skunks. They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk. The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to t... read more

I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as balls, there was a damn bus on my lawn and I don't know what the hell is goin... read more

"Congratulations!" The cop says, handing him the check "You're the one millionth driver to pass by our checkpoint. What are you going to do with your winnings?"
"Probably get my license" The man says
"Don't listen him to him! he's drunk!" Says the wife
"Heh?" Says the man's mother who... read more

A lawyer was travelling on the road in his fancy car when an armadillo crossed the road in front of him.





He stops and takes the armadillo to his backseat.





Far aside, the lawyer is stopped in a sobriety checkpoint.





The policeman ask... read more

Two priests are riding together when they come upon a police checkpoint.

The officer walks to the window, and says "Sorry to bother you fellas, we're looking for a couple of child molesters."

They whisper to each other for a moment, and the driver says, "Alright, we'll do it."

(not my original content, and I cannot remember the whole thing very well, so I may have taken some liberties)

One day, Pope was scheduled to visit a village in nearby Italy, but since it had been a longtime since he had driven a car himself, he decided that he wants to do the driving on this... read more

Just one mile out from crossing state lines, the piece of string sees a checkpoint up ahead.

Frantic and worried that he will be recognized, the bit of string hatches an idea for a disguise.

He starts by rolling around on the ground, to the point he becomes dirty and tattered.
Ne... read more

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cr... read more

The first one says, "I miss my eldest son Ahmed. He was martyred in Iraq last year."
"Oh I know," says the second women, "I miss little Hamza. He drove a car-bomb into a Syrian checkpoint six months ago."
The third woman nodded, "Me too. My Omar was a suicide bomber in Gaza, so sad."
The fi... read more

(Just for the record, this joke I believe is from Arabic and is supposed to portray a certain nation, but I've modified it a little)

He tells his advisers to set up a roadblock in the entrance of the capital to see if anyone speaks up. Nobody does.

After a while, he orders his advisers... read more

As they approach the border checkpoint the wife panics..."what do I do with these?!" she exclaims while frantically fumbling the skunks
"Quick now Mary Ann, hide them under your skirt!" said the red-neck husband in between his beer chug.
"Now, now whattabout the gadaym stink?!" says Mary Ann..... read more