[Long and semi not safe] The butler and the wife

There was a butler named James who worked for an old decrepit Billionaire that had a smoking hot 25 year old wife. James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn’t being satisfied by ole crusty.

He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offende...

What happened to the semi colon who broke the law?

He got given two consecutive sentences

OMG did you hear about the semi carrying fruit thru San Antonio today breaking down on the interstate?

It caused a real jam!

Why don’t people like semi trucks on the highway?

They’re anti-semitic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Funny and long (semi-dirty)

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is t...

I am one of the few Redditors that bathes on a semi-regular basis.

Which is another way of saying I'm not a mod.

A man goes into a car wash with a semi truck and comes out in a pickup truck

Everyone was confused what happened and they all asked the man what he thought had happened to his truck. He simply shrugged and said, “What can I say, it shrunk in the wash.”

BREAKING NEWS: Young man crashed into the back of a semi and died on the way to see a movie his friends recommended to him.

He didn’t see the trailer.

Did you hear about the semi-pro boxer who was an amateur pilot?

He's been deciding on a career and we're still waiting on his fight or flight response.

Did you hear about all the smartphones that got stolen from a semi stalled on the interstate?

It was Huawei robbery.

How did the semi-literate blonde drown?

After years of seeing the billboards and flyers, she decided it was time to do her part to help shave the whales.

How do you get mice out of the church? (semi-OC!)

A priest, minister, and Soviet are discussing the subject of vermin.

Priest: "I have tried everything to keep the mice out of the church. I've tried traps, poison, cursing them to Hell, everything!"

Minister: "I baptized them and made them members of the church. Now I only see them o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who led the Jews through a semi permeable membrane?

Osmoses

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's fuel tank as a joke...

That truck is now know as Optimus Prime.

England playing in the semis tonight,

I haven’t been this nervous about a semi since my uncle walking into the shower room

A co-worker found out I'm 'semi-retired.' "What's that like?" he asked.

"It's like being semi-erect. It ain't too hard, but you still can't do what you want."

Original content, as far as I know. I actually said this at work today. We laughed and laughed. Then I cried a little.

A man dies and goes to Rock N' Roll Heaven..( semi-long)

Upon arrival he is immersed immediately in all the sights and sounds of everything from classic rock to modern anything you would want to listen to, experience and see in person LIVE that you may of missed during your life on Earth.

He looks over and sees Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Randy Rhodes,...

Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

and
.

....

Alahu Akbar

A man, who was on his way to work, was at a stop light when a car full of Muslims pulled up next to him. They started shouting at him saying "Alahu Akbar" and "Death to America". The man is a bit freaked out. When the light turned green the man waited so as to put some distance between himself and t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Nuns go to confession. (Semi-nsfw)

The first nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been not been going to church every Sunday"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's and God will forgive you."
The second nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been performing my duties with charity work since I b...

A man went on a semi-guided hunting trip in the remote wilderness.

Before setting off on the first day the guide instructed him to shoot three times into the air if he should get lost. Sure enough, the man the man became lost and did as instructed. Nobody came. This continued over the course of the next four days. Finally, on the fifth day a search party located th...

Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

They both had a great time.

I bought tickets to the world cup semi-finals and forgot I'm getting married that day

So is anyone here willing to get married that day?

what do you call a semi cool vegetable

rad-ish

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Armed robbers have recently stolen a semi trailer full of Viagra

The police had said to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals

The Pill... (Semi-NSFW)

It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant.

Semi clean jokes that aren't pervy and don't include death?

I hope I'm okay to post a request - I'm in a hospital with my mother-in-law who continues to have small strokes as a result of her cancer. She can understand what we are saying but can only say yes and no. Most important she can laugh when she hears a good joke. This is where you can help. I need so...

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

A blond is driving down a California highway and sees a semi pulled over on the side of the road broken down. She asks the driver "do you need a ride." The semi driver says "no I'll fix the truck but I have 2 chimps that need to get to the San Diego zoo, I'll give you $100 if you take them there."

"Sure" says the lady. He helps her get them strapped in and she was on her way. A few hours later the semi driver got into San Diego and sees this woman walking down the street with the chimps. He pulls over and hollers "What the hell? I gave you $100 to take these chimps to the San Diego zoo." Look...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do penises and semi colons have in common?

I often put them in the wrong places.

A guy walks into a candy store and tells a semi-funny joke...

everybody Snickers.

What do you call a semi-professional proctologist?

Someone doing a half-assed job.

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

[True Story]: I was following a semi-truck full of coffins...

I tried to get as close as possible to read the bumper sticker on the back. When I could finally see the writing, it read "Drive safely. Yours may be on this load."

I was chatting to this extraordinarily attractive girl the other day...

"What do you do for a living?"' I asked her.

"Real estate, you know, selling houses, apartments etc, What do you have?" she replied.

"At the moment', I replied, "I just happen to have a semi".

What do you call an Italian's semi-formal shirt?

Marco's polo

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.

They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down ...

What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty?

Pessimist Prime

Three Nuns

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling".
One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. H...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

The Jewish Lawyer and the Rabbi

<Long-ish>

A Jewish lawyer, distraught and in a semi-panic, ran to his Rabbi pleading, "Rabbi! Rabbi! You must help me!"

The Rabbi, quite concerned, inquired, "What is it? What is wrong? How may I help?"

"It's my son. He just called me. He told me he and his family are con...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between England and Viagra?

Viagra can get you past a semi

THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, b...

What do you get when you mix a Republic and a Truck

A Semi-Democracy

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Not, not "Argh." Too obvious.

Not the "C" either. Everyone has heard that one.

"Without a P he's irate hahahahaha!" Blah blah blah. Nope.

Give up?

A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mom had colon cancer

now she has a semi-colon.

&#x200B;

She gets mad when I tell this joke but I shouldn't be surprised, she doesn't take a lot of shit.

I told my wife, “Did you know that our next door neighbor had half his intestines removed?”

Her: Really? Is he in a coma?

Me: No. A semi colon.

Really stupid, long joke about fuzzy fish. I think?

Someone recently told me one of those jokes that has way too many details and ends in an anticlimactic thud. I wanted to return the favor but all I can semi-remember about this joke is that it was told from the prospective of a fisherman who caught a fuzzy fish. Every time he retold his story the fi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the ja...

Why couldn’t Tim cross the road

He didn’t see the semi truck

There was a group of troubled teenagers bored in a small town.

There was a group of troubled teenagers who were bored in a small town. They egged their neighbor's house, TPed the one down the road, and just generally caused mischief but they were running out of original ideas to keep it fresh.

One of them decided to go down to the expressway overpass and...

Are you a big rig salesman?

Cause you gave me a semi.

Iraqi General

One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.
"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"
The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Duck Farmer

A duck farmer had three boys. The family was real poor, so he sent the boys to town, each with their own duck to sell. As the boys came to the edge of town, the eldest said “I want to stop at this whore house and see if I can sell my duck.” He wanders on in and upon seeing one of the ladies politely...

The saleslady at the truck store was kind of attractive.

I started out looking at a pickup but I ended up with a semi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

F*cking Audi four wheel drive!

It was a snowy wednesday evening. Snow had fallen for a couple of days, and the roads were treacherous.

A man walks into a bar, and while passing through the door he loudly clears his throat and spits in the corner, followed by a mumbled "Fucking Audi four wheel drive!".

He sits down, ...

Kalahsnikov is making an electric and a hybrid car.

It'll come in two transmissions: automatic and semi-automatic

Why was the Englishman's wife unhappy?

Cause he could only get a semi

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guys car breaks down in front of a Monestarey

This is hands down my favorite joke of all time but it's long so hold on to something.


A guys car breaks down, but fortunately it breaks down right in front of a Monestarey. He trudges through the snow to knock on the door and one of the monks answers.
Monk: "Hello my child, how may ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So This Hitchhiker is walking down the Highway.....

He has long dark hair, a big parka, a giant backpack, and a hat on. As each car approaches he sticks out his thumb. Eventually a semi truck pulls over and says, “do you need a lift?” The hitchhiker says, “yes thank you” and gets in the truck. They drive a mile down the road in complete silence. Even...

Sunday, March 4, 2017:

World Chess Championship. The hotel hosts a gala event with food and drink in the hotel lobby. The semi finalists are mingling. The final two are bragging about their respective stratagems for the final match. The desk clerk asks them to hang around. Because we all love to hear.... Two Chess nuts, b...

Did you know Hitler was very opposed to tractor-trailers?

Turns out he was a huge anti-semi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Brothers

Once upon a time there were three brothers who wanted to win the prize at the state fair for the largest pig. They tried everything to get the pig larger, but he kept shitting the food right out.


One day, one of the brothers got the idea to stick a cork in its ass to hold the food in. Sur...

It was my turn to drive in the car pool to work today.

After I picked up Steve we had to drive through a tunnel. There was a semi truck coming down the wrong lane and I had to swerve to miss him. When I got to work my wrist was hurting really bad. It must have been from that car pool tunnel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Use 'Timbuktu' in a sentence

A poetry contest had come down to two semi-finalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck. They were given a word, then allowed a minute to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He ste...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

England manager Gareth Southgate is like really cheap Viagra...

He looks like he's going to do really well, looks the real deal, but won't get you anywhere past a semi.

What do you call a stripper with a 9mm up her ass?

A split sentence, because she’s putting a semi in the colon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control...

An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him bac...

What do you call the path of a truck turning 180 degrees?

A semi-circle.

When the doctor told me having a Colostomy would improve my grammar, I didn't believe him.

But it was true; I now use a semi-colon on a regular basis.

A guy’s driving down the highway one day...

...when he sees a hitchhiker ahead. There’s hardly any traffic on the highway, and he figures that the poor guy will never get a ride, so he decides to help him out. After about 5 miles, the hitchhiker pulls a gun, and tells the driver that he won’t get hurt as long as he follows orders and doesn’t ...

Two members of Welsh rock band The Automatic have quit.

The remaining two now call themselves The Semi-automatic.

Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just ...

What do you call an amateur sports team made up entirely of poets?

semi-prose

What do a truck driver and a slightly aroused man have in common?

They both have a semi.

Sam, Harry and Stuttering Joe

Sam, who wanted to impress his friends, bought a new Scooter motorcyle. Deciding he wanted to show off his new toy he drove to meet his friends Harry and Joe. Upon arriving at their usual hangout spot he was greeted by laughter by his two friends who thought a scooter was goofy looking and incapable...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two mates were reminiscing about the party they'd been at the week before..

"Great party that, last week, wasn't it?"
"Wow, yes, great food, great booze, great girls...and a posh house to boot."
"Posh house?? it was a suburban semi?"
"Never....they had a gold-plated toilet?"
"What?, I can't remember that, you must have been drunk."
"No, honestly, I remem...

A few years ago, in the Boston area,

A large number of crows were found dead on the sides of the road. Ornithologists, were afraid of a new strain of Avian Flu, so they collected a few bodies to perform autopsies on. They ended up finding paint chips on every single one of the birds, so they analyzed them, and found that they were fro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck.

A man and his son live alone on a failed farm, the man turns to hi son and says, "Son, I need to take this duck into town and sell it for the highest amount you can."

The son nods and quickly takes the duck into town. As he is walking through the streets a young woman spots him and calls him ...

I was walking home late at night along a dark street. There was a young woman walking a few steps in front of me.

She crossed over to the other side of the road; I crossed over too.

She quickened her pace a little; I quickened my pace too.

She broke into a run; I broke into a run too.

She panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-leather; I panicked and began to scream and run hell-for-...

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time ...

Last night

I was driving home from work when a BMW pulled up next to me at a stoplight. The driver, a dark skinned man with a thick bushy beard, started screaming and flipping me off. He yelled something like "I love snack bars." I couldn't quite understand him over his passengers yelling "death to America" a...

Gonzales Nails

The Gonzales company was trying to market their new carpenters nails, and they were thinking about what kind of commercial they should run. One of them says "let's start with an image of Jesus on the cross, and the camera can zoom in on the nails, and our logo then comes up at the bottom!". The oth...