UPJOKE
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Outfit Jokes

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

My wife asked if I minded if she bought a little French maid outfit

I said ‘Please do’.

She came home with a French-made $5000 Chanel dress.

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A wife asks her husband if her outfit makes her butt look fat

The husband asks “Do you promise not to get mad, no matter what I say?”

She says ok

He says “I ate all your chocolate and fucked your mother”

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage outfit...

You can hide, but you can't run.

I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in?

1996.

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

Started dating a girl.

I thought she might be the one.

But after looking through her wardrobe,

and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit,

and a Police woman's uniform,

I finally decided: If she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

I've really got into cosplaying as a bucket recently, but my outfit isn't that good.

It's just a pail imitation.

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

What's a house's favourite outfit?

Address

I'm outfitting my boat for sport fishing.

Ship just got reels.

What did the cat with a new outfit say?

“Check meowt!”

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” complained a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror…

“Nonsense, ma’am,” said the salesclerk trying to reassure her.

“That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied.

“I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

Girls be crying over a dude with one outfit...

You should've known he was never gonna change

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

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Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

I made an outfit from asphalt.

I'm going for the street look.

The nun's old outfit

A nun noticed that the outfit she had worn for twenty years was faded, so she got some plants and chemicals and tried to change the color, but no matter how many times she tried, the color stayed the same.

Old habits dye hard.

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My granpa shared this joke with me many moons ago in an email chain I just found in my inbox, I thought I’d share it with yous.

A new ArmyCaptain
was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you
kno...

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

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Aman comes home from work and his wife greats him at the door wearing a sexy French maid outfit.

He smiles as he is looking her up and down. High heels and fishnet stockings. Then he says “Thanks for cleaning the house today honey.”

I finally managed to get some Cymbals for my one man band outfit

The only trouble is, now the trousers clash

Why do nuns wear the same outfit every day?

It's a habit.



(I made this one up. I doubt I am the first to do it. )

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I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.

Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

Why was the salad wearing a cowboy outfit?

It was trying out the ranch dressing.

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

"I really like the outfits my mechanic wears"

"Any particular reason?"

"Nah, just an overall fan"

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

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Traditional Japanese outfits are so cool! If you haven't tried one on...

Yukata!

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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head an...

What do you call outfits that are made from dead bodies?

Casual T's

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I just asked my wife to put a nurses outfit on

She said why? Are you feeling horny?

I said no, we need bread and milk

My buddy was telling about his new hobby of photographing Salmon in different outfits.

Apparently it's just like shooting fish in apparel.

I tried to buy an outfit for a nudist friend of mine

But at the end of the day, I concluded that NOTHING looked good on her.

Spiderman designed a new outfit that he can wear to formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

Today I tore up my nun outfit after being obsessed with wearing it for a year.

I'm so glad I finally broke that habit

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A little boy gets a cow boy outfit for his birthday...

and goes into the local ice cream shop. He's dressed in his chaps, a vest, a cowboy hat, a kerchief, a black mask and a double set of holster with two plastic guns. He runs through the doorway of the shop and the woman behind the counter recognizes him immediately as the little boy down the street. ...

I've just bought my wife a slinky outfit

I can't wait to see her going down the stairs.

What kind of outfit does a lawyer wear?

A lawsuit

I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

I’m going to be taking my drivers exam in a full stormtrooper outfit...

That way I won’t hit anything.

Does anyone recall the guy in the superhero outfit at the Capitol on January 6th?

He was on the far right.

LPT: An easy way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in a formal outfit.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Tacky on you, that outfit is!

Tacky on who?

[Tachyon!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tachyon)

Who's there?

Knock, knock!

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My girlfriend is off out to buy a dominatrix outfit on Saturday.

Although she prefers to call it a wedding dress.

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That outfit is very becoming on you

Then again, if I was on you, I would be cumming, too.

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I walled into the bedroom to find that my wife had laid out a kinky outfit for me.

She's shit at ironing.

The courier delivered only half of my grizzly outfit today...

So I choked him with my bear hands.

Why was the new lawyer not too fond of his work outfit?

He wasn't comfortable being in a lawsuit yet.

My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

What do you call the Hulk when he wears Captain America's outfit?

The Star Spangled Banner

On a first date, wear a bad outfit so the other person can see your great personality...

...if you have a horrible personality, wear Chanel.

A lion gets bored of eating antelope...

So he decides to have bird for dinner. He dons a hippopotamus outfit and walks towards an eagle inside a group of hippos. As he gets closer, the bird spots him and flies away.

Undaunted, the lion puts on a zebra costume the next day, and walks towards the bird among a group of zebras. Once ag...

What did they say about the Swordsman’s outfit at the Met Gala?

That is was very Avant En Garde.

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I was challenged to my first fight the other day. I picked out an outfit, showed up and got my ass kicked.

It turned out not to be my strong suit.

If Batman wears kevlar armor and a bulletproof cape, why does Robin have to wear a bright-colored spandex outfit?

For the same reason: Batman doesn't like getting shot.

I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine...

It was a post dramatic dress

Did you hear about the guy who made an outfit out of super glue?

It was hard to pull off.

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One day in the jungle...

Jane and Tarzan are getting to know each other and she's trying to teach him the different things about her culture. Finally she gets around to talking about sex and asks Tarzan what he does for sex. He shakes his head and says, "Tarzan no do sex." Jane asked what he does about it when he gets overw...

Last week i just robbed my first bank in my new Frog outfit.

I Kermited a major offense

Why did the nun swear when she got her new outfit?

It was a bad habit.

Why should you wear your nicest outfit if you're going to be attacked by birds?

Because you'll want to be impeccable.

There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.

Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"

He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."

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It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can take off all your clothes, and then give you a whole new outfit?

I've seen it change people.

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Professor Stephen Hawking rolled into a fancy dress shop..

"Good morning." He said to the shopkeeper, in his famous robotic voice. "It's my science department's annual Dr Who fancy dress party tonight. Would you have a Tom Baker outfit for rental?"

"I'm sorry Mr Hawking." He replied. "I just rented the last one out yesterday."

"Oh dear." artif...

I was hosting a gathering for my blonde girlfriend's birthday. I told her it was casual and when everyone arrived she appeared with her outfit around her ankles.

Everyone gasped.

"Blame my boyfriend," she explained, "He said dress down!"

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full dominatrix bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

I went on a date last night and I knew the girl was a little kinky but then she showed me the furry outfit she wanted me to wear...

It gave me paws.

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Kinky sex

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. ...

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

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"That's a sexy little outfit you're wearing," I said. "I bet you want my cock in you."

"Dave," my wife said, "do you know I can hear you on the baby monitor?"

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

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A man's choice

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of ÂŁ5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys severa...

I was wearing my most kawaii outfit the other day and this guy, who was no where near as kawaii as me, started saying how I should dress up in kawaii stuff. I was like, mate. I'm more kawaii than you...

You're preaching to the kawaii-er.

We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.

To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”

And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Back in college

Back in college...

I'll never forget back when I was in college. There was this guy.. he had a long Scandinavian name, none of us could pronounce it, so we just called him Oe. Anyway, Oe and I were in fencing class together, we thought it would be an easy A.

Now Oe, he was a big guy, ...

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

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My favorite joke of all time.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to a lady who'd obviously been there for a bit. After a while they start talking and the conversation eventually turns to relationships. He says, "I'm actually here tonight because my girlfriend just left me - she thought I was too kinky in bed." Her eyes light u...

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up.

A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and has his way with him.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pr...

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

A man walks into a bar with his weak suit on...

The bartender says: "Odd choice on the outfit!"

The man replies: "Yeah, it's not my strong suit."

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A freshman college woman is midway through the semester...

...and at her current rate of academic performance she's going to fail one of her classes. So after class she approaches the professor, a mid 40s man, and says "professor, I'll do anything to pass this class." The professor replies "My office hours are on the syllabus, you're free to come by and tal...

„Mom, I‘m almost 18 now. Ashley and Nicole always wear the hottest outfits in school and their parents don‘t mind. So please, please can I wear the short black skirt and the cute white top tomorrow?“

„For the last time Robert, no!!!“

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

Why did NASA cancel the all-female spacewalk?

None of them would go outside the rocket wearing the same outfit.

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

Today my wife couldn't decide what to wear. She put on countless outfits just to tear them off in frustration. She made me sit though the whole process while i was like:

Dormammu, I've come to bargain!

A young boy finally works up the courage to ask a girl to prom...

She says yes, to his surprise and he starts to prepare to make the night as memorable as he can for the both of them.

First, he decides he needs to rent a tuxedo. He finds a local shop that does rentals, since he doesn't want to buy one. The line at the clothing store is almost out the door....

A small company hosts a costume party

A small startup company announces they will be holding an employee costume party to celebrate the end of their first fiscal year in business.

The theme of the party is “Past and Present” to celebrate the work that has been done while also looking forward to the years to come. To further expa...

Two momma kangaroos were talking.

ROO # 1 : "Oh, you look so good in that outfit."

ROO # 2 : "Thanks! It even has a pocket!"

I'm happy being single but...

sometimes I'll be walking down the street and see a happy couple coming towards me, holding hands and wearing matching outfits. And I just can't help but think to myself, *Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to hate them with?*

-Tom Allen

The reason women don't play football

The reason women don't play football is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

A blonde in a shop .

A blonde entered a shop and had a look around . She pointed towards a television and told the salesman she wanted it . The salesman said : sadly I dont sell stuff to blondes . So the blonde walked away angrily. But she still wanted the TV so she dyed her hair red and entered the same shop . Once a...

A short conversation between a husband and wife:

Wife: "I think this outfit makes me look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

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