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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

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A saw two men wearing matching outfits. So I asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.

Why do nuns wear the same outfit every day?

It's a habit.



(I made this one up. I doubt I am the first to do it. )

"I built a new life support suit that allows me to not have to be entirely confined to a helmet and full body outfit."

\~ Darth Innovader

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

I went on a date last night and I knew the girl was a little kinky but then she showed me the furry outfit she wanted me to wear...

It gave me paws.

If Batman wears kevlar armor and a bulletproof cape, why does Robin have to wear a bright-colored spandex outfit?

For the same reason: Batman doesn't like getting shot.

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I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.

Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

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Your outfit's pretty gay

I bet it came out of the closet this morning.

I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in?

1996.

What did they say about the Swordsman’s outfit at the Met Gala?

That is was very Avant En Garde.

Why was the new lawyer not too fond of his work outfit?

He wasn't comfortable being in a lawsuit yet.

I’m going to be taking my drivers exam in a full stormtrooper outfit...

That way I won’t hit anything.

I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

„Mom, I‘m almost 18 now. Ashley and Nicole always wear the hottest outfits in school and their parents don‘t mind. So please, please can I wear the short black skirt and the cute white top tomorrow?“

„For the last time Robert, no!!!“

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

An 11 year old boy is walking down the hall of his house at night and hears screaming from his parent's bedroom. He opens the door and sees his dad standing there with a wig on in assless chaps with his mom on the bed in cheerleading outfit...

"Daddy!? What is going on?!" the kid spurts out, ...

My part-time waitress girlfriend wants to buy nothing but designer outfits...

.. I told her to "act her wage".

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My girlfriend is off out to buy a dominatrix outfit on Saturday.

Although she prefers to call it a wedding dress.

Why should you wear your nicest outfit if you're going to be attacked by birds?

Because you'll want to be impeccable.

What's the most common outfit in WWII?

Casual-tees

I've just bought my wife a slinky outfit

I can't wait to see her going down the stairs.

Fred Astaire took his outfit to the dry cleaners.

"What happened to get it in such a mess?" The dry cleaner asked.

"Well" replied Fred, "Was in the kitchen when I tripped up and knocked a bowl full of rice pudding all over myself"

"Now I've got....... pudding on my top hat.... pudding on my white tie........pudding on my tails"

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.

To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”

And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
...

Did you hear about the guy who made an outfit out of super glue?

It was hard to pull off.

Today my wife couldn't decide what to wear. She put on countless outfits just to tear them off in frustration. She made me sit though the whole process while i was like:

Dormammu, I've come to bargain!

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A little boy gets a cow boy outfit for his birthday...

and goes into the local ice cream shop. He's dressed in his chaps, a vest, a cowboy hat, a kerchief, a black mask and a double set of holster with two plastic guns. He runs through the doorway of the shop and the woman behind the counter recognizes him immediately as the little boy down the street. ...

Last week i just robbed my first bank in my new Frog outfit.

I Kermited a major offense

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I went to a fancy dress party recently where they announced each persons outfit as they arrived....

I was waiting in the queue to go inside and I could hear the host on the microphone up ahead.

"We have Steve here as Batman, and now we have Andrew as Police man, ohhh now it's Louise as a cave woman..."

I got up to the door and it was my turn to go inside. The host looked me up and do...

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as...

What do you call the Hulk when he wears Captain America's outfit?

The Star Spangled Banner

The courier delivered only half of my grizzly outfit today...

So I choked him with my bear hands.

If you're wearing a cowboy outfit...

Does that mean you're ranch dressing?

Why did the nun swear when she got her new outfit?

It was a bad habit.

That outfit is very becoming on you

Then again, if I was on you, I would be cumming, too.

A guy inherits a fortune...

A guy inherits a fortune and goes on a massive spending spree: Ferraris, yachts, private jets, the works.

He upgrades his wardrobe and goes to the most exclusive shops for bespoke outfits. When it comes time to get shoes, he wants something a little different.

The salesman shows him a ...

Tacky on you, that outfit is!

Tacky on who?

[Tachyon!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tachyon)

Who's there?

Knock, knock!

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"That's a sexy little outfit you're wearing," I said. "I bet you want my cock in you."

"Dave," my wife said, "do you know I can hear you on the baby monitor?"

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory.

A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The America...

Every time you get dressed, remember:

If you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

My dim witted friend thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the one’.

But after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman uniform, he finally decided.....if she can't hold down a job she's not for him..

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Why did NASA cancel the all-female spacewalk?

None of them would go outside the rocket wearing the same outfit.

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Afghan Lament

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit at a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there and the nervous Sergeant replied, "Sir, as you know, there a...

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

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A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woma...

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners

and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

The theme for this year’s Met Gala was Camp

The outfits were in-tents.

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"Have you ever broken up with someone over a single character flaw?"

My ex-girlfriend and I were a perfect match.

Like Batman and Robin.

Only we didn’t solve crimes and the tight, latex outfits we owned were used in the bedroom and not on the streets.

I truly thought she was the one.

But she had one character flaw that proved too great to ...

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A whale walks into a bar...

The bartender immediately stops the whale as he enters. Holding both hands up, the bartender begins shouting,

"Woah, woah there, whale! What are you doing here?! This is a bar! This is no place for whales!"

The bartender notices this upright whale is wearing a top hat and carrying a S...

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Choosing a Bride . . .

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among the three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and wanted to see what they would do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; bu...

Little Johnny is trick or treating

and he’s dressed like a pirate! His outfit is top to bottom swashbuckling fun, and he’s incredibly proud of all the fine details included.

He goes to the first house, knocks on the door and when the door opens he yells “twick o tweat!”
The woman at the door fawns over him, she coos “oh...

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No Sex Tonight !

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just...

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3 female friends sit down for coffee...

One of them starts talking about her recent sex-scapades with her husband:

"Well girls, last night when Andy came back from work he looked really tired, so I told him to go have a cold shower and I'd take care of him. When he goes to the bathroom, I wore my sexiest lingerie and laid down on t...

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Donald Trump has a problem.

Donald Trump has a problem.

He's had a long life of being a rich playboy, womanizer, having lots of sex. Recently, however, no matter what he does, he can't have an orgasm. He's tried sexy outfits for Melania, Viagra, porn, porn *stars,* Japanese massage parlors, fleshlights, pills from the...

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[Anecdote] Sometimes friends bring light to even the darkest situations

This happened back when I was in university back in 2012. During those days in my hometown there was an insurgent outfit that was on the verge of extinction but would occasionally surface to issue (empty) threats of violence through the media, particularly before National Holidays since they were a ...

A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons.

He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know, what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY was no object.

His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in differe...

Unfaithful Husband

A wife was beginning to suspect that her husband had become unfaithful, coming home at odd hours of the night with the excuse that he was out playing cards with friends.


One night the couple had plans for a masquerade party, but as the husband was getting ready the wife mentioned that she...

My wife told me to be more spontaneous and funny...

But she was all screaming and tears, when I banged on the kitchen window dressed in a clown outfit!

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A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and BDSM-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast....

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm.

The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arri...

An Oil Baron wanted to do something for his three sons

A farmer from Oklahoma struck oil on his gigantic farm and thus became an oil baron. After amassing a Hugh fortune he decided he wanted to do something special for each of his sons.

He asked his oldest son, what he would like. The oldest son thought for a bit and said “ Im interested in airpl...

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan. . .

An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan, which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch,...

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Leprechauns do exist

A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. Low and behold, after a few seconds into relieving himself a very short man walks in and begins peeing in the urinal next to him. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's...

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It’s their 50th anniversary and Mary walks into the bedroom wearing a seethrough nightie.

“John “, my darling”, she says seductively. “Do you remember on our wedding night I wore this exact same outfit?”

John says “yes, I remember”

“And do you remember what you said when I first came out of the bathroom and you saw me wearing this?”

“Yes I told you I was going to fuc...

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Kinky Sex

A man was sitting at a singles bar when he was approached by a woman.

"Excuse me, but is this seat taken?" She asked him, motioning to the empty seat next to him.

"No, It isn't." He said. The woman sat down.

"Well, now that I'm sitting here, would you mind buying me a drink?"...

The reason women don't play football

The reason women don't play football is that eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

I went to a bar last night...

The free peanuts mentioned how great my outfit looked.The broken jukebox told me i had a terrible hair cut.I asked the bartender what their deal was.
'Well,the nuts are complimentary and the music player is out of order'

Weight loss

A guy learns about a new workout method - rapid weight reduction guaranteed. He calls the company, they make an appointment for the standard package .

At the given time it knocks on his door. He opens and there is this really nice girl in a tight running outfit - she winks at him and says- ...

What is proof that Santa is a man?

No woman would ever wear the same outfit every year.

A man excitedly goes to a Catholic convention upon hearing that the Pope is in town and will be there.

In addition to being a devout Christian, he's always been a huge fan of the Pope and dreamed of meeting him and couldn't pass up the opportunity.

He spent days and hours prior trying to find his best outfit and suit, trying many different getups trying to find the most appropriate and respect...

Two Priests decided to go to Greece on vacation

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach...

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A Sydney pub owner notices a woman walk into his pub...

It's a working class bar that's a bit run down, and the woman is not only gorgeous, she's far too well dressed to be in a place like his.
She walks up to the bar and he asks her: what'll it be? She replies: 10 schooners of Reschs, please.
He thinks it a bit of an odd request, 10 serves of 37...

Why is women’s soccer so rare?

It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

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Women's English vs. Men's English

**Women's English**

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not u...

My stepson

A couple of years ago I was in a relationship with a girl with a son. She had had this kid with a previous partner. Now this partner was a really abusive guy, he used to beat her up, both emotionally and physically. He sent her to hospital on a couple of occasions, and on the most brutal of his rage...

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A woman walks into the doctor's office

She asks the doctor, "How much do you charge for a breast job?" The doctor replies, "The procedure starts at $5,000, depending on the size." She says "I can't afford that much money, are there any other options?" The doctor leans back and says "Well, yes, for $200 we can insert a balloon into each b...

Raisin' Bread

A young blonde woman working in a bakery wakes up late for work one day and throws on last nights clothes before rushing out to work.

On the way to work she really started to regret her outfit, her skirt was too short and her underwear really left nothing to the imagination.

Reaching ...

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My favorite joke of all time.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to a lady who'd obviously been there for a bit. After a while they start talking and the conversation eventually turns to relationships. He says, "I'm actually here tonight because my girlfriend just left me - she thought I was too kinky in bed." Her eyes light u...

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[NSFW] A man is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.

The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to th...

Little boy Barrack

Little boy Barrack decides to go trick or treating with his friends. They each decide to dress like animals. One dresses like a shark, second like a deer, third like a cat and so forth. His friends get surprised when little boy barrack turns up with only underwear on and a woman on his back. Neverth...

When I die I want everyone..

..... come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back and not say a word, so everyone will think I lived a cool double life.

A bunch of Hollywood celebrities formed two baseball teams...

...to raise money for a charity.

The day of the match arrived and everyone was ready. The celebrities were dressed in their outfits, some practising their throws and catches, others practising their swing. Russell Crowe was selected to umpire.

The match started, and the two teams, "The...

A blonde walks into an electronics store...

and asks the manager, "How much is this TV?"

The manager says to her, "We don't sell to blondes". Furious, the blonde storms back to her home, where she threw on a black wig. She then goes back to the same store and asks the same manager, "How much is this TV?"

Once again, the manager ...

Donald Trump's family bought him a Gandalf the Grey costume for his birthday.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the sort of Grand Wizard outfit he had in mind...

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Tom dies and wakes up in a strange place.

He looks around and sees beautiful surroundings, as if he's at a 5 star resort.

A man in a red outfit walks up to him and says, "Hey buddy, welcome to Hell! I'm the Devil!"

Tom looks around, confused. "Um...I didn't think this was going to be what hell looks like?"

The Devil say...

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Shower Sex in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower. The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time...

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A lion is bent over drinking from a stream.

A chimp runs up behind the lion and fucks him up the ass and then runs off. The lion takes off after him. The chimp comes to a safari camp where he puts on a safari outfit, a pith helmet, sits down, grabs a copy of a newspaper which he holds in front of his face pretending to read. The lion runs int...

A man went on a hunting trip

The hunter was sneaking through the woods, looking for any movement that would give away the position of an animal. Tired and looking for just one last kill, he scanned the forest.

"Look at me, I own the Hoover Dam and I can't even find one last animal." He thought.

Then, suddenly, a d...

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A riddle about a rich man who can't decide which of his three girlfriends he should finally marry.

So, he gives each of them $100,000 and tells them to spend it all in a week, on whatever they want.

The first girlfriend spends it all on herself, but includes some sexy outfits and lingerie she knows the rich guy will like.

The second girlfriend spends half the money on herself (inclu...

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