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Lifeboat Jokes

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

What happened when five fat French men got in the lifeboat?

Cinq.

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

A Group of Survivors Were on a Lifeboat.

When suddenly a boy fell in.

Everyone watched the boy struggled to float to the surface, when suddenly an old man jumps in.

He grabbed the boy and brought him back to the lifeboat. The others were praising the old man, when he turned around and said, 'Who pushed me in?'

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

American presidents are on a sinking ship!

Ford says: What do we do?

Bush says: Man the lifeboats!

Reagan says: What lifeboats?

Carter says: Women and children first!

Nixon says: Screw the women!

Clinton says: You think we have time?

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

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A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth.


This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the stand...

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A man and a woman meet in a New York bar. She learns that he is a deck hand on a commercial ship.

“That must be wonderful,” she says. “You get to see the world. I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I have never been able to afford the ticket.”

“How about I smuggle you aboard my ship. I will hide you, and every day I will bring you food and drink in exchange for sex. When we ge...

A twofer

A priest and a lawyer are on a ferry boat along with a bunch of kids who are on a field trip. The ferry boat hits a rock and starts to sink. The priest and the lawyer lower a lifeboat. The lawyer jumps in, and yells, "Get in! Hurry up!"

The priest says, "What about the kids?"

The lawye...

Please, take me instead! I scream, grabbing at the two men who took my child

“Sorry sir, children only” they said, as they continue loading up the last lifeboat on the ship.

I found the meaning of life.

It’s on page 937 in the dictionary between the words lie and lifeboat.

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A plane made an emergency landing on water

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.

The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - “You tell the Americans this is an ADV...

What did the captain of the Titanic say to the guy lowering a half empty lifeboat?

Too soon.

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Two frat guys are stranded in the middle of the ocean

Brad and Chad have been stuck in a lifeboat for weeks. They're out of water and supplies, and they're sure they're doomed.

They notice a sealed bottle bobbing toward their boat and scoop it out of the water. They open it up, and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me!" the genie s...

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

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A large procession of cruise ships heads out to sea.

A massive storm suddenly appeared soon after the boats departed. A ship's hull began to display large cracks, and water flooded the interior. Most of the passengers made it to the deck in time, and climbed frantically aboard the lifeboats as another cruise ship started to capsize, its panicked passe...

One wish

Two Irishmen go on a cruise. Halfway through their vacation the ship wrecks, and the two Irishmen escape on a lifeboat. They floated about for a couple days, hoping to be rescued. On the third day one of the men notices a bottle floating near the lifeboat.
"Wouldn't it be cool if there were a ge...

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A nun, a priest, and a rabbi.....

are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat…

Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?”

Rabbi: “Fuck the children.”

Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”

The Flood

It rains heavily for several days and flood waters start to rise. People are being evacuated as the water covers the ground completely.

The village priest is forced onto the roof of his house to escape drowning. He is sitting calmly and patiently in his soaking wet clothes when a lifeboat com...

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

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Two Irishmen are on a cruise when the ship encounters trouble.

The ship breaks in two and sinks rapidly and the two Irishmen are the only survivors, having secured a small lifeboat. They are adrift at sea with no land in sight. Suddenly they see something floating on the waves. It's a small, ancient lamp, and when they retrieve it and dry it off a genie suddenl...

There once was a man named Myas...

One day Myas and his two friends planned a trip to sail across the vast ocean. They rented a ship and when the date came, they set sail. Everything was going accordingly until the third night when a storm happened upon them. Waves buffeted the hull. Gusts of wind enveloped the sails. As the ship roc...

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A man and his wife are on a cruise

The ship capsizes but the man manages to get onto a lifeboat in time. However he notices that his wife is missing. Distraught he shouts.
-A 100$ to the man that can save my wife!
Upon hearing this several men jump into the water to rescue the wife. After some time a man comes up draging a woma...

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Mathematical joke

The cruise ship is 600 ft long, 150 ft wide, and 140 ft high, but only 110 ft above water.
It has 18 decks, and can accommodate 5860 passengers, holds a crew of 1800 personnel.
There are 18 lifeboats, each can take 150 passengers in case of emergency, also 20 inflatable rafts with maximum capa...

A magician is working on a Cruise Ship...

With him, he has a parrot to spice up his routine. Sadly, the parrot has the habit of ruining his show.

Whenever the magician makes something disappear, the parrot announces: "Saw it! You palmed it and hid it up your sleeve!"

When he does a card trick, the parrot says: "Saw it! Every ...

Two wires at sea

Two wires were on an ocean cruise when the ship sprung a leak and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat and head to safety.

The other was stranded.

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A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest

are on a lifeboat. It hits an ice burg and starts to sink. As everybody is panicking to escape, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "We have to save the children." The lawyer replies, "fuck the children!" The priest says, "do you think we have time?"

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A blonde, brunette and a redhead...

...have a breaststroke race across the English Channel. The brunette comes in first, the redhead comes in second, and the blonde never finishes.
In the lifeboat, the blonde says, "I don't want to be a tattletale, but the other two used their arms."

The Great Showman

While doing his rounds on a cruise ship out at sea, a porter on a cruise ship comes across a homeless man sleeping in a lifeboat. He wakes the man up and asks him why he's there.

"I'm homeless, obviously, just looking for somewhere to lay my head," the homeless man replies.

"Give me on...

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The suicidal girl and the sailor

I've tried to translate this joke from norwegian... Hopefully it is understandable :-)


A young beautiful girl was so depressed with her life, that she would take her own life by jumping from a bridge out in the ocean.
She went to a tall bridge and was just about to jump out, when a yo...

Once upon a time, Spanish galleon was sent to rescue some farmers and their cows in a settlement...

...they arrived on schedule and picked up the farmers and their cows, which took up half of the cargo hold. As the journey continued, they miked the cows, eventually filling up the remainder of the hold with various dairy products.

Finally, they reached their destination, but before they wer...

An illusionist was employed to entertain the guests of a cruise ship.

He had a handful of good tricks he performed quite well and because there was a new audience every other week or so, he didn't have to worry about coming up with new ones. The trouble came when the Captain's talking parrot, after watching the same show time and time again, started to figure the tric...

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Bavarian cream pie (from comedians in cars getting coffee)

A soldier in World War II is in Germany at the end of the war and eats a piece of bavarian cream pie at a cafe. It's the best thing he's ever tasted.

He goes on about his life. Gets married, has a family, raises children, retires. His wife dies. He gets diagnosed with cancer. He has a few m...

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A pirate walks into a bar... [Long]

A pirate walks into a bar. He has two peg legs, two hooks for hands, and is wearing two eyepatches. As he sits at the bar, one of the patrons turns to him and says, "Excuse me, I can't help but notice you have two peg legs. How did that happen?"


The pirate responds, "Yarrr, matey. I...

Lord is my Savior

Father Jones was barely alive, clinging to the remaining wooden flanks of the sinking ship he was on. Rescue boats were busy rescuing other survivors in the ocean as soon as possible, but Father Jones wouldn't want any of that for himself. Being an ardent believer, he insisted *''Lord is my savior!'...

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