US presidents are on a sinking ship

Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

A christian hears that there is a flood coming to his town. (long)

A fireman knocks on his door and says, "You need to come with me, there's a flood coming."

The christian says, "No, no, I'm a faithful christian, God will save me."

The fireman leaves and the flood waters come in. Eventually the flood waters get so high that he has to move to the first...

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

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A pirate walks into a bar... [Long]

A pirate walks into a bar. He has two peg legs, two hooks for hands, and is wearing two eyepatches. As he sits at the bar, one of the patrons turns to him and says, "Excuse me, I can't help but notice you have two peg legs. How did that happen?"


The pirate responds, "Yarrr, matey. I...

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Emergency Landing

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.


The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - You tell the Americans this is an ...

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

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There was a man named Ivan, born and raised in the Soviet Union.

From the moment he was born, he lived in oppression and poverty. His rations were meager, his work in the coal mines hard. But one day, he gets a ray of hope, solace from his hardships, when, as he’s driving his Lada from his home to the local coal mine, he sees a sign.

“Swimming Lessons: Imp...

Stowaway story

A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Euro...

The Flood

It rains heavily for several days and flood waters start to rise. People are being evacuated as the water covers the ground completely.

The village priest is forced onto the roof of his house to escape drowning. He is sitting calmly and patiently in his soaking wet clothes when a lifeboat com...

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Mathematical joke

The cruise ship is 600 ft long, 150 ft wide, and 140 ft high, but only 110 ft above water.
It has 18 decks, and can accommodate 5860 passengers, holds a crew of 1800 personnel.
There are 18 lifeboats, each can take 150 passengers in case of emergency, also 20 inflatable rafts with maximum capa...

There once was a man named Myas...

One day Myas and his two friends planned a trip to sail across the vast ocean. They rented a ship and when the date came, they set sail. Everything was going accordingly until the third night when a storm happened upon them. Waves buffeted the hull. Gusts of wind enveloped the sails. As the ship roc...

What did the captain of the Titanic say to the guy lowering a half empty lifeboat?

Too soon.

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A man and his wife are on a cruise

The ship capsizes but the man manages to get onto a lifeboat in time. However he notices that his wife is missing. Distraught he shouts.
-A 100$ to the man that can save my wife!
Upon hearing this several men jump into the water to rescue the wife. After some time a man comes up draging a woma...

A Rabbi, A Priest, and an Imam...

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were on a ship. Suddenly, the ship hit a reef just under the water and started sinking. The rabbi said to the priest and imam, "We must save the children.!"

The imam had already run to the lifeboats, yelling "Screw the children!," to which the priest replied, "D...

The Captain's Parrot

There once was a captain of a large cruise ship that had a very intelligent parrot. To keep the parrot busy while the captain was working, he left him in the ballroom where the magician performed his act. The parrot would watch the magician at work, and over time, the parrot learned the secrets of...

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A blonde, brunette and a redhead...

...have a breaststroke race across the English Channel. The brunette comes in first, the redhead comes in second, and the blonde never finishes.
In the lifeboat, the blonde says, "I don't want to be a tattletale, but the other two used their arms."

Shipwrecked Mime

A traveling theater company boards a ship to the Pacific. The ship sinks and three men find themselves in a lifeboat: Francois the mime, Leo the juggler, and Thomas the producer.

Leo and Francois have always been best friends, but Francois has lost a lot of blood in the wreck and doesn't have...

Two wires at sea

Two wires were on an ocean cruise when the ship sprung a leak and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat and head to safety.

The other was stranded.

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A priest and a lawyer are on a sinking ship

The priest yells, "women and children to the lifeboats first!". Then the lawyer, anxious to survive, says, "Fuck the children!" The priest replies, "do we have enough time?"

An illusionist was employed to entertain the guests of a cruise ship.

He had a handful of good tricks he performed quite well and because there was a new audience every other week or so, he didn't have to worry about coming up with new ones. The trouble came when the Captain's talking parrot, after watching the same show time and time again, started to figure the tric...

A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

What happened when five fat French men got in the lifeboat?

Cinq.

Lord is my Savior

Father Jones was barely alive, clinging to the remaining wooden flanks of the sinking ship he was on. Rescue boats were busy rescuing other survivors in the ocean as soon as possible, but Father Jones wouldn't want any of that for himself. Being an ardent believer, he insisted *''Lord is my savior!'...

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

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A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest

are on a lifeboat. It hits an ice burg and starts to sink. As everybody is panicking to escape, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "We have to save the children." The lawyer replies, "fuck the children!" The priest says, "do you think we have time?"

One wish

Two Irishmen go on a cruise. Halfway through their vacation the ship wrecks, and the two Irishmen escape on a lifeboat. They floated about for a couple days, hoping to be rescued. On the third day one of the men notices a bottle floating near the lifeboat.
"Wouldn't it be cool if there were a ge...

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The suicidal girl and the sailor

I've tried to translate this joke from norwegian... Hopefully it is understandable :-)


A young beautiful girl was so depressed with her life, that she would take her own life by jumping from a bridge out in the ocean.
She went to a tall bridge and was just about to jump out, when a yo...

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