In retrospect, I know when I went wrong.

It just felt right. Now I have to deal with what is left.

So in retrospect...

in 2015 not a single person got right answer to “where do you see yourself 5 years from now?”

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

The medium is the massage...

Last year, I wrote a book on penguins. In retrospect, paper would have been much easier.

I once had a date with a girl.

In retrospect, it wasn't enough food for two people.

I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer

I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign

"Vote for me, I won't abandon you in 2 months"

What do you call a can of beans in retrospect

Heinz-sight

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

TLC launching new spin-off Josh Duggar retrospective series....

"15 and Mounting".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

Whenever I embark on a DIY project, I always read the instructions carefully...

And retrospectively.

***2020 CANCELLED***

After careful consideration, we have decided that it is no longer in the best interests of everyone involved to proceed with 2020.

While we recognize that a lot of hard work has gone into preparing for 2020, if we're honest it has just turned into a bit of a sh*tshow and we feel it best just ...

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest

In retrospect, this was pretty obvious considering that Mt. Everest can't fly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.



In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

I broke up with my girlfriend after she told me she was a communist.

In retrospect, I should have seen all the red flags

I told my wife she was painting her eyebrows too high.

In retrospect I probably didn't need to criticize her while she was on chemo.

I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn’t find it

True story:

Years ago I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn’t find it. I asked the hardware store employee if they had any. She’d never heard of maroon before.

“You’re making that up,” she said.

I replied, “Yeah, it’s a pigment of my machinations.”

In retrospe...

Genie: You have three wishes

Me: I wish for the ability to know how to use my wishes wisely

Genie: Granted

Me: In retrospect that wasn't a brilliant idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body…

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have put the lube next to the glue…

You look awesome! Did you lose weight?

Did you just call me fat and ugly retrospectively?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

I decided to kiss her once...

In retrospect, I realize a complete stranger *wouldn't* care that I did so at the request of Burl Ives.

Well, next time I'll know. Just gotta kiss because *I* want to.

A priest, a Baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar

A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.

They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.

So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet...

This year, every one of my kids agreed that they wanted a cat for Christmas

In retrospect, I should have just gone with the Turkey, like I do every year.

NSFW During a Linguistics lecture today, the teacher demonstrated how nouns can be turned into verbs;

for example "a brush is used to brush some one". My teacher gazed around the class, asking us for another example.

In retrospect, I don't think she liked the word "fist".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Small Skulled Boss (nsfw)

So, I'd been working at my company for a while (I won't say which one, but you probably have used their product today). Yesterday, the CEO of the company came into our department and had a sit down with me. When I first met him, the first thing I noticed was the size of his head. It was the size ...

I remember when, for weeks at a time, Mom would wake us every morning with the smell of freshly baked cookies

at 3AM. And in retrospect, those cookies smelled a lot like meth.

I was feeling confused, and I needed answers. I needed to just ask the things that have been bothering me to someone.

In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have used the Ouija board.

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