UPJOKE
behindassbacksidebottombumbunscanfundamenthindquarterskeisterposteriorpratrearrumpseat

Rear End Jokes

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man
upvote downvote report

What do you get when a dinosaur kicks you in the rear end?

A mega-sore ass
upvote downvote report

I was having a problem with my rear end so I went to see the doctor...

... The doc said, "well let's have a look". I dropped may pants and the doctor gave a thorough look and then said, "well, nothing is obviously wrong, what seems to be the problem?".

I said, "I can't stop showing it to people".
upvote downvote report

I rear ended an Audi the other day

Now it's an Innie
upvote downvote report

My rear end was sore from sitting on the bar stools at my local pub.

So, I've been taking stool softener, but those stools still seem just as hard to me.
upvote downvote report

My favorite clean joke - the Old Man and the Ferrari

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at ...
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The navy trains dolphins

An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”

“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have that ...

An older woman is doing the dishes, when her husband walks up behind her and slaps her rear end.

“If you could firm this up, you wouldn’t need a girdle!” He says.

She turns around and grabs is crotch

“If you could firm this up, I wouldn’t need your brother!”
upvote downvote report

“Honey, do these pants make my rear end look big?”

“No, your rear end makes the pants look big.”
upvote downvote report

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.
upvote downvote report

I rear ended a car this morning...

... the start of a really bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf. He glared up at me and said, “I am NOT happy!”

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you, then?"

And that’s how the fight started..
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...

And rubs the poop on his chapped lips

His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”

The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do ducks have feathers on their rear ends?

To cover their butt quacks!

Rear ended a little person while driving home. He hops out, walks back and screams...

"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!".....I asked him, "Which one are you then?" That's when the fight started.
upvote downvote report

What has two rear ends and likes to kill?

An assassin.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was driving down I-35 last Tuesday, not really paying attention, and I failed to notice that traffic had stopped. I slammed the brakes, but it was too late and I rear ended the vehicle in front of me.

A young woman stepped out of the car , scowled at me , and yelled "Well, ram me in the ass as hard as you can, why don't you?"

Later, I told the judge that this was the precise moment that the miscommunication began.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While driving home one night a man rear ends another car

When he gets out of the car he realizes the other driver is a priest. The priest looks over the damages and pops his trunk.
"Well my trunk still opens, so lets thank God neither of us was hurt. Would you like to join me in a prayer?"
The man nods and the priest takes out some communal wine and...

What do you call a bee's rear end?

A Bee-Hind
upvote downvote report

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea...

"Butt wait, there's more!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

Why is the rear end of a boat so tough?

It's made of stern stuff.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife hates the study of cults that worship the rear end.

But personally, I love butt sects.

A guy goes to the doctor with a pain in his rear end

The doctor has a look and says, "This is could be serious, you seem to have a lettuce leaf stuck in there. I can remove it easily enough, but it may just be the tip of the iceberg."
upvote downvote report

A guy isn't paying attention and rear ends someone at the traffic lights...

...He gets out of his car to inspect the damage and a dwarf gets out of the other car. He says "I'm not happy, you know"!

The guy says "No? Well which one are you then"?
upvote downvote report

A Mother and Father are driving down a street with their son in the back seat, when they are suddenly rear ended.

The dad turns to the son "Son, how old are you?" "10" shouts the son. To which the dad replies "Well it looks like the first accident I've had in 10 years"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the restaurant that got closed down because they were serving just the rear ends of animals?

Just-ass was served

A man climbed a mountain in search of the legendary Monk of the Moon, said to be the wisest man to ever live...

The man explored the mountainside until he found the monk's cave. "Oh, great Monk of the Moon, what is the meaning of life?"

The monk turned around and lowered his pants. A voice came from his rear end. "One day, your life will end. What you do with that knowledge determines your life's mea...
upvote downvote report

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"...

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me.....
upvote downvote report

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

A Circle of Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing tha...
upvote downvote report

Three women were sitting in a hot tub

one older lady and two slightly younger - when suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The first younger woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few min...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a joke from Bulgaria, translated for your convenience.

One a motorway near the coast in Varna a musclebound mafioso (refered to as mutra in Bulgaria) is driving with his subordinates in his brand new Mercedes S63 AMG. When he nears a traffic signal, he gets rear ended. Pissed off, he gets out to have a look. Turns out that an elderly gentleman in a rust...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?'

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba and his three brothers Billy, Buck and Bob were driving their brand new truck one morning.

Suddenly they were rear ended by an old man. Furious, they pulled over and were about to beat the shit out of him.

Man - "Hold on, this is unfair. There are four of you and I'm just a weak old man."

Bubba - "You're right. Billy and Bob, you two fight on his side to make it even."
...

Two Hillbillies are sitting outside the local store gossiping...

The first one says, "Welp, yesterdee muh wife got rear ended on the highway by one of them beer trucks."

The second says, "Shoot. They git 'er good?"

First one says, "Yup. Smashed in 'er backside real good."

The second one says, "What company was it?"

First one says, "Oh ...
upvote downvote report

Two guys were talking about an attractive female coworker

Bob: Why do you like her?

John: She likes guys who drive Audis

Bob: Do you have an Audi?

John: No. But she obviously likes having somebody right up her rear end
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes his cat to the vet....

Man: Doc, my cat has some 'stuff' coming out of 'back there' (waves hand over cat's rear end).

Vet: You mean the purulent discharge from your cat's vulva?

Man: Doc, I don't know those words. You gotta put it to me non-fancy terms, gimme the plain English.

Vet: What we have here...

Yesterday I got into an accident with a prius...

Yesterday I was on the highway and rear ended a prius.
We both pulled over and a dwarf gets out of the prius.
He walks up to my car and says "Hey mister, I'm not happy!"
I say "then which one are you?"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Last Safari

Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Brit and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters they can have one last wish.

"What's your last request?" he asks the American.

"I'd like a steak," he rep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man rides a train

A man is riding on a train, he needs to use the restroom but the Men’s is occupied so he sneaks into the Woman’s. While he is doing his business he notices three buttons on the wall, W, F and ATR. His curiosity gets the best of him and he decides to push the W button. A gentle warm stream of water s...

An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, “I bet you I can guess your age.”

The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

“Pull down your pants,” she says.

She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”

“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”

“You told me yesterday.”
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not happy

A man is driving his car when he's suddenly distracted. He doesn't notice the car in front of him stopping and rear ends it. The door opens and to his surprise a dwarf jumps out and approaches the car to assess the damage. The dwarf starts shaking his head saying: "I'm not happy. You bet your ass I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sitting at a bar told the bartender, “my grandmother had a great ass.”

The bartender was shocked. “Jesus, man, you gotta be fucking sick to talk about your grandmother that way.” The man got mad, “Jesus Christ, come on! I’m not talking about her rear end, she had a donkey, it lived forever, and worked hard for her.” The bartender apologized. Later on the man said, a l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently went on a hunting trip in africa

And while i was there i shot and killed a lion, i decided to take it back to england with me so i could have it preserved but it was damaged in transit and only the rear end could be taxidermied, the rest had to be diaposed of,

It was a cat ass trophy

The Lion's Birthday

Here's a joke my dad told me once. The story is set in the jungle. It's the lion's birthday today, and everyone is rushing to get the king a birthday present. The lion demands food. Everybody lines up.

The lion roars,

"If you get me something that hurts my teeth, I'll shove it up your...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 nuns die and go to heavens gate

3 nuns died and went to Heavens Gate. St. Peter comes out and says "before you can enter the gates of heaven you must answer me this one question".
"What part of your body last touch a man's genitals?"

The first nun steps up and says, "Well, I used to work in an orphanage with babies and ...

Two campers are hiking in the woods . . .

One is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other one says. He runs ten miles to the nearest town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.




"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a lit...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman comes home piss drunk

He climbs into bed next to his wife who is deep asleep, and closes his eyes. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a barn filled with animals and that he had become a chicken.
He starts freaking out and the hen next to him tells him to relax, that he's died in his sleep, and that he has been r...

Three people in the Amazon forest get caught by a tribe...

They were being held by the tribesmen outside the village. The head tribesman who speaks English tells them, "You have trespassed into our territory. As we are a considerate folk, you have the option to choose either Jhingalala for a minute or Death. You can give me your choice when you are summoned...
upvote downvote report

Fluffy's In Heat

Little Sally asks her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block. He tells her no, because Fluffy was in heat.

Little Sally asks, "What does in heat mean?"

Without any explanation, her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it. He told h...
upvote downvote report

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem..."

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem in a... well in a sensitive area. Can you take a look?"

The Doc says, "Okay, go ahead and drop your pants."

The patient does so, and turns around to where the doctor can see a bit of lettuce sticking out of his rear end.

...
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information