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Why do ducks have feathers on their rear ends?

To cover their butt quacks!

I rear ended a Dwarf at the traffic lights on the way to work this morning!

He jumped out of his car and stormed up to my window motioning for me to roll it down. He said, "I'm not Happy!"
I said, "Then which one are you?"

A Protestant is stoped at a stoplight when a Catholic rear ends him.

So the Protestant, as anyone would do, calls the police. When the police car arrives, out comes a big Irish police officer. The officer looks at the two cars, walks over to the Catholic, and says, “So how fast was he going when he backed into you?”

Why do the french have windows at the rear end of their tanks during WW2?

So they can see the battlefield

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While driving home one night a man rear ends another car

When he gets out of the car he realizes the other driver is a priest. The priest looks over the damages and pops his trunk.
"Well my trunk still opens, so lets thank God neither of us was hurt. Would you like to join me in a prayer?"
The man nods and the priest takes out some communal wine and...

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

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A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...

And rubs the poop on his chapped lips

His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”

The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”

“Honey, do these pants make my rear end look big?”

“No, your rear end makes the pants look big.”

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My wife hates the study of cults that worship the rear end.

But personally, I love butt sects.

A guy isn't paying attention and rear ends someone at the traffic lights...

...He gets out of his car to inspect the damage and a dwarf gets out of the other car. He says "I'm not happy, you know"!

The guy says "No? Well which one are you then"?

I rear ended a car this morning...

... the start of a really bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf. He glared up at me and said, “I am NOT happy!”

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you, then?"

And that’s how the fight started..

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Today I was telling my friend Richard a joke about him and his rear end

Butt he doesn't like dick puns.
 
I'll see myself out....

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I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea...

"Butt wait, there's more!"

A guy goes to the doctor with a pain in his rear end

The doctor has a look and says, "This is could be serious, you seem to have a lettuce leaf stuck in there. I can remove it easily enough, but it may just be the tip of the iceberg."

A Mother and Father are driving down a street with their son in the back seat, when they are suddenly rear ended.

The dad turns to the son "Son, how old are you?" "10" shouts the son. To which the dad replies "Well it looks like the first accident I've had in 10 years"

Why is the rear end of a boat so tough?

It's made of stern stuff.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

What do you call a bee's rear end?

A Bee-Hind

TIFU by rear ending a car over the holiday weekend

In most states, it's against the law to text and drive and sure enough I was trying to do one of those quick replies to a text I just received by holding the phone down and out of sight.

As fate would have it, the car in front of me stopped short and given I was looking down for that brief ...

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Did you hear about the restaurant that got closed down because they were serving just the rear ends of animals?

Just-ass was served

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

I was driving one day and I rear ended a car.

We pulled into a nearby parking lot and out of the car I had hit stepped a little person, a dwarf if you will. He said "I'm not happy",so I asked "Then which one are you?"

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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[NSFW] A business man was robbed in Las Vegas on his way to the airport

After he had checked out of the hotel late at night, 2 muggers have robbed his purse, mo and notebook, leaving him behind with his luggage.

He had hours left to get to the airport, and he was lucky that his ticket was at the side compartment of his luggage. He walked up to the street to the ...

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

Got into a car accident today

I was driving along and ended up rear ending someone. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?’

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me…"

God commented, "Well, what a big deal – inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was appare...

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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The far...

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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

A Circle of Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing tha...

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My nan's cat died last week, and I wanted to do something a bit special for her to remember him by.

So I called up a local taxidermist.
"How much to have my nan's cat stuffed and on a wooden plinth, pouncing on a terrified mouse?" I asked.
"About £1,500," came the reply.
"FFFFifteen **hundred** quid?! That's a bit steep, how about curled up like he's sleeping peacefully?"
"Abou...

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Suppositories

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm From behind the bathroom door.
She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?' Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker...

Three women were sitting in a hot tub

one older lady and two slightly younger - when suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The first younger woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few min...

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I recently went on a hunting trip in africa

And while i was there i shot and killed a lion, i decided to take it back to england with me so i could have it preserved but it was damaged in transit and only the rear end could be taxidermied, the rest had to be diaposed of,

It was a cat ass trophy

An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, “I bet you I can guess your age.”

The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

“Pull down your pants,” she says.

She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”

“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”

“You told me yesterday.”

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Little Johnny's penis starts to itch while his mom registers him for summer camp...

...so he scratches the itch. The counselor and his mother both see this, and his mom chastises him.

"It's not appropriate to do that to yourself in public or private, honey. I don't wanna see you ever scratching yourself in public again."

"Okay mom." Johnny says.

Later, Little ...

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Here's a joke from Bulgaria, translated for your convenience.

One a motorway near the coast in Varna a musclebound mafioso (refered to as mutra in Bulgaria) is driving with his subordinates in his brand new Mercedes S63 AMG. When he nears a traffic signal, he gets rear ended. Pissed off, he gets out to have a look. Turns out that an elderly gentleman in a rust...

Three people in the Amazon forest get caught by a tribe...

They were being held by the tribesmen outside the village. The head tribesman who speaks English tells them, "You have trespassed into our territory. As we are a considerate folk, you have the option to choose either Jhingalala for a minute or Death. You can give me your choice when you are summoned...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

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Jimmy goes to see a dominatrix...

Jimmy goes to see a dominatrix that all his buddies keep recommending.

He nervously tells her, "All my friends said I should ask you for a 'Classic Vlasic Ass-Lick'. But they wouldn't tell me anything else. What is it exactly?"

She explains, "Well, first I'm going to strip you naked a...

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An Irishman comes home piss drunk

He climbs into bed next to his wife who is deep asleep, and closes his eyes. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a barn filled with animals and that he had become a chicken.
He starts freaking out and the hen next to him tells him to relax, that he's died in his sleep, and that he has been r...

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Bubba and his three brothers Billy, Buck and Bob were driving their brand new truck one morning.

Suddenly they were rear ended by an old man. Furious, they pulled over and were about to beat the shit out of him.

Man - "Hold on, this is unfair. There are four of you and I'm just a weak old man."

Bubba - "You're right. Billy and Bob, you two fight on his side to make it even."
...

A man is driving his car down the road...

A man is driving his car down the road. He recently got a shelf installed above the back seat of his car to hold extra things for him, as he doesn't often clean his car and needs space to put things. To put the shelf in, though, he had to take out the headrest from his seat to make room. Among the t...

Yesterday I got into an accident with a prius...

Yesterday I was on the highway and rear ended a prius.
We both pulled over and a dwarf gets out of the prius.
He walks up to my car and says "Hey mister, I'm not happy!"
I say "then which one are you?"

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The ladder to success

A man drunkly stumbles out of a bar and on the way to his car, encounters a ladder reaching up to the clouds. There is a voice coming from high up in the clouds, “climb the ladder to success”. The man looks up and starts climbing. After reaching a low floating cloud, he sees a woman, she has wart...

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Marines' Early Morning Drill

A drill instructor had just been assigned a bunch of new recruits that he had to help train and introduce into the Marine Corps.

On the first morning after moving into the barracks, the DI woke everyone up at 0430, and ordered them to take a cold shower to break them in. Then, after 8 minutes...

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We're doing married golfer jokes now?

One day a man and his wife are golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, doglegs right around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it wi...

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem..."

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem in a... well in a sensitive area. Can you take a look?"

The Doc says, "Okay, go ahead and drop your pants."

The patient does so, and turns around to where the doctor can see a bit of lettuce sticking out of his rear end.

...

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When a drunk man enters the house, he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing so that he doesn't wake his wife.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 A.M., at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he f...

Two campers are hiking in the woods . . .

One is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other one says. He runs ten miles to the nearest town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.




"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a lit...

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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irish man are walking through the jungle...

Where they are captured by a group of hungry cannibals.
The cannibals set these men a task of shoving 10 whole pieces of fruit up their arse, and if they can achieve it, without making any noise they will be allowed on their way.
The men run off into the jungle to collect their fruit.

T...

The Lion's Birthday

Here's a joke my dad told me once. The story is set in the jungle. It's the lion's birthday today, and everyone is rushing to get the king a birthday present. The lion demands food. Everybody lines up.

The lion roars,

"If you get me something that hurts my teeth, I'll shove it up your...

Three surgeons are discussing

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The 1st surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."
The 2nd surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order".

The 3rd surgeon shuts them...

Henry ford meets god

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and sa...

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