Replaced Jokes - 59 Hilarious Replaced Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe replacement theory is correct.

Even neo-nazi's are being replaced by black people.

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

I replaced my friend's chapstick with a tube of glue.

So far, he hasn't said anything about it.

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

My coworker, Kelvin, recently retired from the weather station and was replaced by a new guy named Celsius

He's the new temp.

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

NSFW - The position of 69 will now be replaced by 96.

With the economy as it is, the cost of eating out has gone up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Food has replaced sex in my life.

I can't even get into my own pants.

Tablets were replaced by scrolls.

Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on our tablets.

Not everything can be replaced...

Bob sees his mate Mike lying, battered and bruised, next to the road sobbing.

He runs over.. "Mike, are you okay?"

"Look at my car!" Mike says through the tears, pointing to the wreck wrapped around a nearby tree.

"Don't cry," Bob says, "you can always get another car."

"...

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man undergoes a new procedure and has penis replaced

With an elephant trunk. He hasn't told his girlfriend because he wants to surprise her on their wedding night. He is having dinner at the future in-laws house and they are having steak and baked potato. They pass the plate of potatoes to him and out of nowhere something darts out from between his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The submarine sandwich shop by my work had moved to a new location and was replaced with an adult sex shop.

I didn't realize it until one day I walked in and asked for a 12-inch salami on an Italian.

I once amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made from a breath mint.

I gave him a Tic Tac toe.

So Marvel and Ikea decided to do a crossover series. Marvel replaced the "Suit up" catchphrase with...

..."Avengers Assemble".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone replaced all of the buttons in the elevator in my apartment building...

It was wrong on so many levels...

I took my mannequin to the shop to have some parts replaced...

They charged me an arm and a leg!

After months of putting it off, I finally replaced the mirror in the bathroom.

I just couldn't see myself using the other one.

I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise...

He shouted "what the Hellman!"

I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the ceiling!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend had a leg removed and got it replaced with a dildo prosthetic.

She calls it her "pegleg".

If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven’t looked back since.

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.

I have no words to say how angry I am.

Staying busy with quarantine and just replaced my leaking water heater.

It's a tankless job, but somebody has to do it.

Someone took my spine and replaced it with theirs.

I want to get my own back.

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

Lately I've been feeling a little invisible and have decided that to get noticed, I will have my legs removed and replaced with a horse's body...

...That way, wherever I go, I will be the centaur of attention.

My work replaced our regular toilet paper with single ply. Everybody hates it...

...Its really tearable.

.

.

part credit to Amb_33 (thanks).

Replacing German Language with English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has ac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I replaced an emergency stop button at work today.

It was a pressing issue.

Florence+The Machine replaced one of their members with a former Portuguese footballer.

They are now called Florence+The Maniche.

I replaced the handles on a chest of drawers with crucifixes.

Now it's a cross dresser.

Replaced my girlfriend with a supercharger

At least I enjoy hearing it whine

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

A psychic goes into an opticians to get his contact lenses replaced.

Upon learning his customers profession, the optician asks what next year has in hold for him.

The psychic replies "Alas, I cannot tell you"

The optician, who has had a terrible year up to this point, begs him for just a basic reading, even offering free contact lenses for a year.
...

I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.

There’s a lovely key change at the end.

My friend said that he replaced the Oxygen with Uranium in a water molecule.

I was like, "HUH?"

A Tailor Had His Eyes Replaced With Yarn Balls...

...So now he has fiber optics.

What do you call when a ladder is replaced with stairs?

Climb-it change.

They finally replaced the old clock

It's about time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue.

The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.
When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

So I replaced all of the incense in the Friar's chamber with Marijuana

He's a High priest now

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

I went to a smoke shop only to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Oscar Pistorious wanted to get his bathroom door replaced

But his wife was dead against it

Little known fact, in the 70s, Jim Morrison was originally the head of Microsoft. But after a few years, he was fired and replaced by Bill Gates.

Apparently, he made better Doors than Windows.

My company replaced me with a robot that performs all my functions.

Then my wife bought one

Have you heard that they replaced the wishing well with a scientist?

Instead of granting wishes, he wishes for grants.

It looks like Sean "Spicy" Spicer has been replaced with Anthony "Scary" Scaramucci

I wonder who the next replacement will be "Sporty", "Baby", "Ginger" or "Posh"

What happened to the door after the carpenter told him he was being replaced?

It got angry and became unhinged.

Frank the Human Cannonball retired yesterday and has yet to be replaced...

The circus owner said, "It's hard to find another man of that caliber."

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.